Author Archives: Nicky

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Become the light that you have always been!

PRISM LIVING – SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT AND EMPOWERMENT COURSE

Hi all,

I am pleased to announce that my online course is now LIVE!

All you have to do is visit the SHOP page on my website at nickyalan.co.uk add the course to your cart and pay through Paypal.  Once payment has been received you will receive session one of the course. or click the link below
BOOK USING THE LINK BELOW AND FOLLOW THE PROMPTS

You will then be sent each session every seven days.

I truly hope that you benefit as I did using the tools and working yourself to a happier and more content way of life.

Remember I am here if you have any questions or problems.

Good luck!  Go for it!

Namaste

Nicky xxx


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Become the light that you have always been!

NEWS JUST IN! ONLINE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT COURSE WITH NICKY ALAN!

Become the light that you have always been!

Become the light that you have always been!

***COMING SOON! ONLINE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT & EMPOWERMENT COURSE WITH NICKY ALAN – PRISM LIVING***

Do you feel underwhelmed with life? Do you get bouts of depression and a feeling of total uselessness? Are you surrounded by people that bring you down or drain you? Do you hate your job or where your life is going? Always trying to diet or go to the gym but never quite manage after week one? Are you drained of energy? Are you sick of being in a rut? Do you have bad sleep patterns and can’t shut your stressed brain off? Do you find you just get one bad thing happen after the other? Do you want to try and establish a spiritual relationship with your loved ones in spirit? Are you interested in The angel realms and how they can help you? Feel you have psychic ability but don’t know what to do with it?

Well then this is the course for you!

You will receive a seven week online course in every aspect of how to improve your life spiritually on a daily basis and how to gain that all important feeling that you are not alone no matter what life brings and the tools to enable it! You will be sent weekly sessions filled with exercises and advice on how to get the best out of life and the Universal energy!

 

To prebook please email me at nicky.alan@btinternet.com. When the course commences, a payment method will be available on the merchandise page at www.nickyalan.co.uk

BOOK USING THE LINK BELOW AND FOLLOW THE PROMPTS

Seven week course costs £45. I will be available to answer any questions via email throughout the course. If I can’t get to you physically I can reach out with technology!
Look forward to working with you! 😀
Nicky xx

MANDATORY DISCLAIMER
You have paid to take part in a workshop which is in the nature of an experimental educational programme; no claims are made and results cannot be guaranteed. You may experience things which you may not have experienced before. If any of you feel you may be vulnerable you should not partake in the course and seek medical advice or counselling.
The participant certifies that he/she is not aware of any medical or psychiatric condition which might affect his/her interpretation of the workshop and that he/she is voluntarily seeking these services for him herself and assumes full responsibility for the outcome.


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Manifest the love that is there....

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 13

THE MAGIC OF MEDICINE

Hello all. I find that my blogs are a  bit more few and far between at the moment, it’s due to my unpredictable condition.  I truly hope that you are enjoying them, as always I value your feedback.

If you know anyone that could benefit from reading them as a Chronic Illness sufferer or who may be interested on how the celestial realms guide us and help us please feel free to pass my experiences on xx

NAN’S VISIT

I saw the silver threads of light darting like sprites across my landing before I even thought I was going to see a manifestation. I was so weak and exhausted that I didn’t sense the usual feelings that one experiences prior to a manifestation.  Usually the hairs on the back of my neck go up, I get goosebumps, the temperature can either go up or down dramatically.  I usually smell who the person is as well.   My nan has her own smell its a bit like old fashioned perfume mixed with an old clothes smell that hasn’t been in the fresh air for a while.  My dad will be beer or cigarettes.  They are not the best smells but they will pick something that you will notice that you don’t ordinarily smell.

Usually when my dad also manifests some electrical phenomena that will bring my attention to his presence.  In the past he has rung the doorbell again and again, even changing the tune on the chime.  He has set off the microwave with the letters AFM which are his initials, he has turned the television off and on and turned all the lights on in the house after I have switched them all off.  With my dad’s dad I always see a dark grey suit, my mum’s dad I just feel him standing tall at the doorway.  All of your spirit loved ones will manifest the same way each time so that you can understand and identify them.  They will choose their way to manifest though.  So look out for similar feelings or senses when you believe they may be with you.  If you feel something odd in the ether or sense someone with you the easiest thing to do is close your mind and your eyes, the first person to be shown in your mind is usually the person who is there, you just have to trust it!

As I am writing this my sleeping dogs, Teddy and Mia have just jumped up and are barking like mad.  There is only birdsong, nothing else to rouse them, so perhaps I have drawn some of my lot here by talking about them!  I have already told you of the power of music, so always listen out for their favourite music.  They will try everything and anything to maintain a relationship with you.  The fact they have had a funeral is totally irrelevant.

Manifest the love that is there....

Manifest the love that is there….

So after the firework display of silver in my landing I then saw my nan who was unmistakable with her striking white hair and large figure.  She was walking away from me but then stop and turned.  I laid there breathless.  She looked transparent with a silver glow around her.  She said three words…..

Go on Facebook‘” she then turned around and walked past the door and that was that.  Now to say that I felt a little deflated was an understatement! Of all the things she could have said,  she said this!  Also you may be thinking how does she know about Facebook?  All of your loved ones no matter how long ago they have passed, walk with you, sit with, you share your life experiences, so they know exactly what things you do and all of the latest mod cons we use.

GERMANY

I remember doing a reading once in Germany , it went a bit like this

Me “Your dad is saying that you met on the internet, on a dating site. He really likes your husband.”

Her “That can’t be my dad he wouldn’t have a clue about the internet or Match!”

Me “Has everything I told you so far made sense?  His name being Peter*, that he was a carpenter, passed in a fire, all the rest of the stuff I have said is right?”

Her “Yes”

Me “Good, then you know that this is your dad.  You must also know that they watch us whenever they want.  They know what is happening, who we are seeing, what TV programmes we watch.  They learn of the new technology as they see us use it. You did meet your husband on a dating site didn’t you?”

“Yes”

“Then know that your dad has seen this and the evidence that I have told you tells you that he is still alive and with you.”

They learn what we do, when we do it and how. Another common one is the sitter will say it is not their loved one communicating as they are mentioning something that took place after they passed, like someone being born or getting married.  Of course they know this has happened as they are still with us!

FACEBOOK

So I knew that my nan would not make all the effort to come down to me if it wasn’t for a good reason so I immediately went on to Facebook.  The first thing I saw was the news feed and this lady crying with pure joy.  She had been in bed with ME/ Fibromyalgia for ten years.  She had taken a drug that her friend had recommended and within five days she was down the park with her granddaughter.  The video then scanned round the park and back on this woman who was playing with her granddaughter.  Usually I would think this was a scam or some rubbish to make money, but as my nan had told me at that exact time to go on Facebook and the first thing I saw relates to my condition, I started to google this wonder drug.

LDN TRY IT BEFORE ANYTHING

LDN TRY IT BEFORE ANYTHING

LOW DOSE NALTREXONE

LDN RESEARCH

WIKI LDN

Now I am going to scoot a couple of weeks on from this faithful night on the 27th July.  Luckily if you remember I had found the perfect GP.  I immediately made an appointment with him and asked for this drug.  He was totally proactive and agreed to prescribe it.  He was already treating patients for MS with it.  I was exceptionally lucky because most GP’s have never heard of it or won’t prescribe it.  Unfortunately it is a post code lottery.  Why don’t we know about this drug?  One guess. MONEY.  Because the Professor that manufactured it didn’t want it as a profit drug it has not gone through the FDA, unlike the higher dose which is used to treat diseases such as HIV and AIDS. No profit, pharmaceutical companies aren’t interested.

It is an opiate based drug and on researching it for weeks I found that most people had a hundred per cent recovery rate.  It treats Cancer, Hashimotos, Arthritis, Lymes disease, Chronic pain, Alzheimers, Parkinsons etc.  Any neuro, central nervous sytem, auto immune disease can be treated.  I have put a few links above so that you can have a look for yourself.

LIFE CHANGE

I was so nervous as I so wanted it to work.  What I can say is after taking it for five days I was able to get up and sit in the lounge.  I slowly came off of all of my heavy pain killers.  The morphine, tramadol, cocodamol and gabapentin went in the bin.  I had no side effects and there is no weaning off, you can stop it whenever you want to.  Unfortunately it only improved my condition slightly unlike thousands of others but I was grateful to be out of my bed permanently for three years.   It DEFINITELY improved my standard of life.   At least I was off the cocktail of hard drugs as I still am now.  In fact I started to write my book, EARTH WALKERS even more regularly and felt a little more hopeful on a daily basis.  I can not say it will work for you but I can say if you don’t give it a go, you are very unwise.

If you are one of the unlucky ones who has an ignorant doctor who steers away from ‘off the label’ treatments, then you can order this to your door privately.  This puts it into context how cheap it is.  It is £9 privately to buy.  The charge for prescription and delivery makes it £18 pr month, worth every penny.

Do your research and try this drug!

Here’s a link for the chemist who will help you if you need to get it privately.  You will have to prove that you have been diagnosed with your condition.  You will have a session on the telephone with one of the Doctors from Clinic 158 and then, the rest as they say is history, it arrives through your letter box and you start getting an improved state of life.

DICKSON CHEMIST GLASGOW

You have to find the sweet spot of mg’s that works for you though.  It takes a bit of time going up and down the dosages but you will eventually learn your individual dose requirement.  I stay permanently on 2.6 mg but the highest you can go is 4.5 mgs.

Give it a go, what have you got to lose?

So with my magical nan helping me in the most amazing way, my diet improved and not living so much in a dark hell what was next?

My next healing boot camp, my exes!

*The name has been changed to respect the privacy of the client

 

 


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Time to set sail away from this space

Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

SURRENDER IS THE KEY, DENIAL IS YOUR PRISON

The visit of that lovely spirit lady raised my vibration in a big way.  It gave me impetus to start looking at my life and make some pivotal decisions.  I needed to start facing reality and realise that this was my new life.  It was nothing like my old life but I started thinking that I needed to reach out for help.  I needed to find ways to help myself and set goals that were reasonable and manageable with my condition.  I was starting to pull away the threads of denial.  I was disabled, in need of serious support and I needed to own the reality of being a sufferer of a chronic condition that was not going to go away any time soon.

Time to set sail away from this space

Time to set sail away from this space

The first thing that I did was change my GP.  It was one of the best decisions ever.  My new doctor was very empathic and completely understanding of ME and fibro sufferers.  He was open to any treatments and exceptionally supportive.  He even allowed me to phone him whenever I wished as he knew I couldn’t get to the surgery easily.  The next thing I did was call the local community care team who were brilliant.  They provided me with equipment that assisted bathing and every day things that I couldn’t manage.  My carer would regularly visit and help me with absolutely anything I needed, even if it was just a therapeutic chat.  These two phone calls took a long time to do, as I found coping with change and reaching out into the world very difficult but was so pleased with myself when I did.  I also got a cleaner as I couldn’t risk using my energy up cleaning. I arranged a massage therapist to visit my home when I was up to it to soothe my agonised muscles. I arranged a dog walker.  It was an absolute joy to watch Teddy and Mia sit at the gate waiting for the dog walker to arrive.  It was like they had a sixth sense.  They knew the days he was coming along with three other fur babies and would sit patiently listening out for his car.

BABY STEPS LEAD TO GIANT CHANGE

I felt strengthened by these tiny little steps.  I would always recommend tiny goals to set yourself that are MANAGEABLE, even if just one gets ticked off in a week, it’s a step in the right direction.

Out on their walks

Out on their walks

Walkies!

Walkies!

The next thing I set myself to do was reach out and find forums that had members coping with chronic illness.  It was one of the best things I did.  On Facebook I met a beautiful group, The Barmy girls who were from all over the world.  We don’t sit wailing and moaning, we cheer each other up and support each other.  So during my lonely nights there was always someone to talk to.  There are many support forums on Facebook for chronic illness sufferers, I cannot recommend them enough.  You also get fabulous advice and suggestions from hollistic remedies to updates on new drugs that are out.  I love those girls so much and what also helps is that they totally understand everything I am going through.  The most heart breaking thing is people not understanding your condition and making judgement.  I then started to reach out and tell me friends that I needed help.  Very slowly my ‘coping’ armour was taken off piece by piece.  When I couldn’t feed myself or cope, rather than starve or just eat biscuits I went and stayed at my friends’ Leigh Ann and Lynn’s house.  I allowed myself to be weak and frail, I allowed them to bring me cups of tea and lunch.  It felt alien but God I felt so much better admitting to people I had a debilitating condition that I couldn’t manage alone.  I changed my eating habits and did every diet that was recommended, but to be honest I felt no benefits from any of them but I still take the following health supplements:

Coenzyme Q10, Ubiquinol (Highest strength you can get), Vitamin D, Busy B’s, Cod Liver Oil, Glucasamine Sulphate (Has to be with Chondroitin), Magnesium (an absolute must!) and K2 which helps distribute the magnesium into your body.

ESSENTIAL OILS ARE ESSENTIAL!

I also find Epsom salt baths fantastic.  Put about four scoops in and to help your body even more, drop five to nine drops of essential oils into the last scoop.  I always use Lavender oil for pain relief and anti inflammatory as well as Bergamot which is a natural antidepressant.  In fact I burn essential oils all day and every day.  I studied the ones that particularly help my symptoms and they also make the house smell lush!

My friend also found this for me.  It is a very soothing oil mixture to rub on the most painful parts of your body.

DILUTE THE FOLLOWING INTO 30 ml OF OIL (ALMOND/VEGETABLE/CARRIER OIL)

5 DROPS THYME

10 DROPS ROSEMARY

5 DROPS CYPRESS

10 DROPS EUCALYPTUS

10 DROPS PEPPERMINT

Here’s a link to get you started on your path to the magic of essential oils   oils https://draxe.com/essential-oils-guide/

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

I also do juicing when I am feeling up to it for breakfast in my Nutribullet (another tip from my Facebook friends, thanks Paula!).  The most important things to add to your fruit/veg juice is nutmeg, cinnamon, turmeric, ginger.  These  all  have anti inflammatory and pain relief qualities.  I had indigestion and tummy problems for three years until one of my friends on my forum recommended fresh ginger.  My discomfort was gone within hours.  I also don’t drink alcohol and drink water like it is coming out of my ears.  I also have a thirst for Earl Grey tea.  I later found it was made from Bergamot, an anti depressant, so my body was telling me what it wanted.  The good thing about this new brain/ body is that you become so in sync with your body that your intuition tells you what you need.  I have never listened to my body and mind so much in all of my life.  It does cry out for sugar a lot, so even though it is bad I answer it’s call.  If there’s something it doesn’t want it’s normal rejected straight away!  I like things now that I never did before my illness like chocolate, coffee, green tea, ginger, but on the flip side things I adored do not agree with me anymore i.e wine, southern fried chicken, normal tea, strong spices.

THE EPIPHANY

Amazingly through this process I came to a striking revelation.  All of the advice I had doled out to thousands of people as a police officer and medium, I was now doing it for myself.  I had never thought to love and care for myself before.  I had never meditated every day or stopped and appreciated living in the moment.  I had never spoken to or lived such a spiritual existence.  The thorny vines of this illness curse were actually starting to bloom small flowers of positivity.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It has crashed for a reason, it is up to you to find out what it needs.  But remember we are all different and some things work better than others. Depression hits like a steam train with no warning.  All GP’s will prescribe you with some form of anti depressant.  They have found that apparently it helps with the nerve pain.  It will usually be something like prozac, fluoxetine or duloxetine.  I was not happy being prescribed with these drugs but I had no choice.  Be open to anything that will help you.

A HAPPY MIND MAKES A HAPPY BUNNY

But, there is one thing that will be the biggest battle of your life.  Your mindset.  I still struggle now but have improved a hundred fold in the last couple of years.  You have to find ways to keep you happy on the bed ridden days.  This can be music, comedy on the TV,  jigsaw puzzles, home crafts, adult colouring, meditation. You have to keep your mind busy because it will slowly descend into blackness if you do not find ways to keep yourself afloat mentally on the very bad days.

Why do you think I write this blog? lol 🙂

Curl up with a good book

Curl up with a good book

Obviously if your eyes and brain fog can cope, a good book is a must.  I go through hundreds of books, it’s a great way to escape.  But the most important thing is educating your loved ones.  The biggest problem I see from other sufferers is the lack of understanding by friends and family and them permanently trying to justify this invisible illness to them.  They are in more denial than you are.  If your husband/mum/mate is subtly referring to you as lazy, forcing you to get up and do things or insisting you get a grip, you need to start putting your foot down. They will NEVER understand how it feels.  They will never fully appreciate that every single second of every single day you are in pain somewhere or everywhere with no let up.  They can’t possibly understand that as soon as you stand, gravity pulls you down into a heavy, claustrophobic exhaustive suit that will not disappear and cannot be removed.  Tell them your feelings.  Tell them you need help.  Tell them to read up on what you are suffering with.  If they refuse to acknowledge your predicament, you have to make some serious decisions.  You CANNOT be surrounded by judgemental people who make you feel useless.  I am so lucky that my friends are understanding.  The ones who weren’t have diminished which is fine by me.  I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

DON’T SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY

Unbelievably a lot of my friends in the last few years have been diagnosed with the same condition!  It is a very common pandemic that the health organisation and society have to wake up to.  The most incredible thing was, my friend Jay got diagnosed with ME. So we now hold each other up on the bad days. Us meeting was meant to be.  My old friend Nicky also was diagnosed along with FIVE others.  We have very interesting conversations normally starting with, “What’s wrong with you today!”

Be kind to yourself.  Admit you have a serious chronic condition and ADAPT.  You have to grieve your old life and find ways to survive in the new one that has befallen you.  There is no cure for this illness.  Don’t chase the next ‘miracle treatment’.  Cope with what you have, gain control and make yourself as comfortable as possible.

It is no mean feat but together we can continually fight this relentless beast.

Reach out, ask for help and love yourself.  On the bad days keep your mind busy and if you need to sleep all day, DO IT! On the good days don’t overdo it or you will find yourself in bed for days or weeks after.  We all do it though, it’s called booming and busting.

YOUR RIGHTS

I was no longer going out, buying clothes or spending money on normal life things so every penny I had went on helping me.  If you find as I did that you cannot work, you are entitled to benefits.  You can apply for PIP which is a living allowance for disabled people.  I also got a blue badge for my car and owned the fact that even though my title was ‘disabled’ I was still the same person but just needed a little help. Don’t suffer in silence like I did for three long years.

All of these achievements took ages to deal with and arrange.  But I felt so much stronger in myself and felt I had established some sort of control of my life.

However, I was still on Morphine, Gabapentin, Cocodamol, Ibuprofen, Duloxetine and Paracetamol.  I was eating them like smarties, but pain was still a constant companion.

A MESSAGE FROM HEAVEN

My clever Nan

My clever Nan

It took a visitation from my nan one night on the 27th July, to change my life considerably.  I will never forget the night that I saw the spirit of  her bustle across my landing, turn around and radically change my day to day life by saying three little  words……


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ME myself and I. My Soul diaries 12

Category : MY BLOG , Uncategorized

IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE THEN LET THE MUSIC PLAY ON

I sat looking out into the Kingswear valley.  The sun was shining and I smiled at the Beauty of Mother Nature and all of her velvety green gifts that were swaying in a gentle sea breeze bathed by a stunning sun.  I was too exhausted to sit in the sun, but quite content to look out onto the beautiful landscape.  It seemed cruel that I lived in such a wonderful place but couldn’t go out and appreciate it.  I decided to pull an angel card.

Beautiful Kingswear

Beautiful Kingswear

Nothing can stop you now! You have the persistence and ingenuity to see things through.

Yep I may have the ingenuity but I certainly didn’t have a fit enough body!  I said out loud, “Dad if you can hear me please help me, I’m sorry to moan, but I am struggling again.”

Literally within a couple of seconds my iphone turned on and randomly out of 3,000 odd songs my dad’s song came on, ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water.’  It was the song he adored.  The last Christmas that he was alive he asked everyone for the Art and Garfunkel album.  Bit of a mistake as he ended up with loads of them on Christmas day!  It then was followed by ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow‘ which was My last dog Meena’s song.  her synchronicity after her passing were rainbows.  I saw one every single day for exactly a month after she passed.  My medium friend predicted I would see these rainbows before Meena have even moved on.

THE MAGIC OF MUSIC

Music is a massively important way to get a sign from your loved ones.  It’s so easy for them to inspire your thoughts,  like going into a certain shop where their favourite song is playing or to suddenly turn the radio on and hear their song,  as they know its currently playing on that station.  Sometimes it’s their favourite song or one played at their funeral.  I also put my phone on shuffle and listen to the songs that are played.  I  can sometimes get messages from the title of each song as it plays.  It’s very clever and a very common way for our loved ones to let us know that they are with us.  I’m sure as a lot of you read this, you will totally understand what I am talking about and have witnessed the phenomena.

INTIMATE EVENING

As I am writing this, I remember doing an intimate evening, where I would go to a group round someones home and do a mini evening of mediumship.  I used to love these evenings, bit like a tupperware party but spirit people being the stars!  I was asking this very strong spirit man to give us a sign as I knew he was capable of moving things and blending with electric fields.

Everyone sat still as I asked him to make himself known.  Within seconds the stereo turned itself on and ‘My Way‘ played out mixed with the shocked screams of my audience who were now running for the door.  I couldn’t stop laughing and neither could they after they got over the shock of the phenomena! Turns out, this was his funeral song.

 

So listen out my lovelies, music is an

The legend Frank Sinatra

The legend Frank Sinatra

easy conduit for them to blend with.  Their vibration can easily blend with electronic devices to change a song for your benefit.  Always say thank you after you hear the song so they know that you have got their message.  I always find it a brilliant bit of evidence in a reading if I can get their favourite song or what was played at their funerals or even their wedding.  Music does feed the soul, so use it to your advantage.  I always picture Bridget Jones on the opening scenes as she is crying and listening to ‘All by myself‘.  When we are miserable don’t you find we put on music to make us more miserable?  Lol, I certainly do!  So of course it has the opposite effect, it can raise our mood and vibration.  I always have music on in the background.  When I am writing or sitting quietly or in the bath I listen to  new age music my current favourites being Kevin

Love your music

Love your music

Kendle The Medicine of Sound and The Best of Snataum Kaur.  They feed my soul and mind and give me inspiration.  If I want to  cheer myself up, I blast out the eighties!  Give it a go, music can help us in so many ways.

 

 

YAY TO THE SPIRIT LADY!

The following day, the sun was coaxing me out of my shaded bedroom, so I gauged my energy and decided that I could go out.  As I walked into the garden, the gardeners were arriving to maintain the cemetery grounds.  I went to say hello and to my amazement as I was talking to the men a spirit lady started to manifest right next to one of the men.  I was so excited as I thought I had been switched off!  She was an older woman, very curvy shape with very light grey hair.  She was dressed in a beige suit and was so happy that I could see her.  She made me feel that she adored her home and her family, but was weighed down with bad mobility at the end of her life and was walking with a lot of difficulty.  She kept moving her finger through the air in an effort to show me a letter.  I was trying to talk to the men and concentrate on her at the same time.  I couldn’t see if it was a J or T, as her finger swooped at the bottom.

She kept telling me that it was her girl she wanted to reach, and frantically was signalling the letter.  I made a decision it was a J.  I then babbled out all of this information and they just looked at me blankly, like I was a nutter.  I felt so embarrassed as I had totally lost my confidence.  Jack*, the man I knew this was for, kept saying no when I asked him if he was sure he didn’t recognise the lady.  I gave up and hobbled back indoors feeling mortified.  I thought they had brought me back into the world of spirit communication, but obviously not.  I was so upset.

BROKEN COMPUTER

The following day, I was requested by my solicitor to send some important documentation that was very urgent.  I tried to turn on my computer but it just wasn’t having it.  I was still pretty grumpy from what had happened the day before and this wasn’t helping my day go any better.  After trying everything I realised that I had to get it to a shop asap.  I tried calling my friends but they were all at work.  I needed to get this blinking computer fixed!

Blinking computers!

Blinking computers!

I shoved more morphine down my throat, put a jumper over my pyjamas and hobbled out to the car.  I shouldn’t have done this but needs must!  Thankfully the shop was just minutes away.  I hadn’t been out for months, so the feeling of slowly driving along independent of anyone felt exhilarating.

 

The computer need a new battery.  I was passing Lupton House on the way home and something told me to turn in for a coffee.  I was exhausted and in excruciating pain, but something made me drive there.  Everyone was surprised and delighted to see me and I felt it would do me good to be out of the house for half an hour.  I was propped up with loads of cushions had a mocha in my hand and felt so happy to feel ordinary for a little while.  A lady, Michelle* came up to me to say hello.  She knew me from working as a medium from Lupton House.  She looked exceptionally pale and frail.  She had said that this was the first time that she had been out for three months as her mum had passed.  My pulse heightened and the memory of the spirit lady from the day before became flooding back.  the conversation went like this:

“Michelle, I know this sounds odd and totally random, but your husband isn’t called

Jack by any chance is he?”

“Oh my God, yes why?”

“Does he work as a gardener and cover Kingswear cemetery?”

“How do you know that?”

I then started to beam, literally explode with laughter, realisation and a humble gratitude of the heaven’s.

“Your mum, was she quite a curvy lady with light grey hair?”

“Yes”

“Did she have massive problems with her mobility and found it really hard to walk before she passed?”

“Yes it really upset her as she was always so active.”

“Ok, listen, I spoke to your bloody husband yesterday and he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.  Your mum was standing there by his side!”

“What?”  Michelle’s eyes started to well up, a look of wonderment etched across her face.

“It was your mum darling, she kept saying it was important to get a message to her girl and she kept spelling the letter J out, it was so important to let her know that she is ok.”

The girl next to her then started to cry, her name was Joanne*, Michelle’s daughter, the lady’s granddaughter.

“Jo was the only one who missed her passing, she didn’t make it on time, she has never got over that.”

I could feel the familiar waves of adrenaline washing through my body.  I was so overwhelmed and so thankful that I had got this right and was now delivering this poignant message to the right person.

“Well that’s why she was so frantic to get to her, a lot of spirit people have the choice who is present when they pass, she obviously didn’t want Jo to see her as she went.  The other thing is, she made it very clear that I had to mention what she was wearing.  It was a really nice tailored beige suit.”

“Oh My God!  That was the suit she wore to my wedding.  We buried her in it!”

Oh my goodness I was so relieved.

I spoke to them a little more and Michelle through tears of joy and relief said that this had been life changing what I had told her.  She now knew that her mum was ok and that she could move on in her life.  She also assured me she was going to have a go at her husband for being so thick!

I felt on cloud nine.  It was the first spirit contact that I had had in months and months.  The feeling of being able to bring peace to another human being is SECOND TO NONE.  It is and always will be my vocation in life, whether I write about it or one day be able to demonstrate it again on stage.  Sod the sceptics.  I got trolled the other day on twitter the stupid man said that I was disgusting despicable and a fraud and that I and all mediums prey on innocent and vulnerable people.

OH REALLY?

This was a magical time for me and that family.  There had been so much closure and healing.  I went home in tears of gratitude.  I also later discovered that there was nothing wrong with my computer or the old battery.  The spirit lady Irene* obviously was frustrated that Jack hadn’t understood that it was her and so hatched another plan!  She owes me for the battery I didn’t need to buy!  How magnificent is that and how miraculous?

I went to bed that night and couldn’t stop smiling.  I had forgotten one of the fundamental learning curves as a medium.  never listen to the recipients ‘no’s’ if it feels right!  How clever Irene was,  how wonderful that she had directed me to her daughter. I felt that I had been welcomed back into the fold. x

With spirit people drawing near and me feeling more at peace, I looked forward to what else was going to come my way…

*The names of the people described have been changed to respect their privacy.


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The plant of acceptance...

ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11

SENDING OUT AN S.O.S

So at this point in my life 14 March 2015, there was a lot rattling through my brain.  I think a massive epiphany arrived of all places in B and Q!  More of that later!

My angel boot camp had now shot me back to when I was 7 years old in my dream state.  I was attacked sexually by a stranger in some damp dingy toilets.  The man, or monster, which ever way you want to refer to him was showing his son what you do with little girls.  I often think of that poor boy, he no doubt grew up to be a monster like his dad.

TELLING DAD

I will never forget the look of anguished pain on my dad’s face when I told them what had happened.  We were just about to eat Sunday dinner and I had been down the park with my friend. It is amazing how your chemical senses can link to a memory back in time.  I remember the smell of the roast and my dad about to cut into a Yorkshire pudding like it was yesterday.  (By the way, my mum’s Yorkshire puddings are THE BEST, FACT! lol).  This man had groomed us in the park and followed us to the toilets.  As an innocent child you would never suspect a man with his son playing happily in a park to be a dangerous stranger with evil intent.

My dad shot up from the table and got straight into the car and headed for the park.  Obviously the man wasn’t there.  I felt guilty, dirty and also mortified that the love of my life, my dad was so upset.  I thought at the time he was upset by me.  A child victim is a very difficult subject to comprehend and cope with.  I pray that this never happens to you as a parent, but if it does, here’s a few tips.

I remember people whispering in other rooms about the attack.  Being so young they didn’t even think to realise that I was fully aware of their muted conversations.  It made me feel even more vulnerable and alienated.  More and more people knew my secret, I felt like I had an invisible name tag adorned around my neck, ‘VICTIM’.  So don’t have conversations within ear shot of your child.  It heightens our awareness of embarassment and feeling like soiled goods.

The police in the 70’s were awful.  There was no appropriate victim protocol back then. The first police to arrive, a man and a woman decided to interview me whilst I was sitting on my stairs at home.  They were asking me all sorts of questions in front of my mum and dad. I wasn’t even aware that they were coming to see me. Firstly I did not want to talk to a man, even if he was a police officer.  As far as I was concerned he was a stranger and I felt instantly intimidated.  To then ask a 7 year old to describe graphic details with no warning in front of your mum and dad was frightening and abhorrent, obviously I closed up.

Nowadays there are sympathy suites for victims and the care is second to none.  You are now allocated a family liaison officer who is the facilitator between the victim, victims family and the investigation.  That was my main job as a detective and I loved it.  I am sure that this day, when the officers were questioning me on my stairs was the day when I vowed I would become a police officer and would never allow a victim to feel how I was feeling at that time, embarassed, ashamed, guilty, dirty and mortified.  ALWAYS ask your loved one what they want and explain everything which is about to take place.  Children are far better prepared by being in the loop than just being shoved into a situation where they have no idea what is happening. You are not protecting them, you are placing them in a dark scary place of uncertainty.  If there is anything you are not happy with, concerning the questioning of your child, or the investigation, voice your concerns, don’t let it unfold to your child’s detriment.

My policing days, so proud

My policing days, so proud

Even though it is exceptionally hard, don’t show negative feelings in front of your child.  They will immediately perceive this as they have caused the upset, not the perpetrator.

Obviously counselling should be encouraged but not forced until your child is ready.  I was never afforded this option back then but I dealt with it later on.  Well I thought I had dealt with it until it came tumbling back into my dreams back in 2015.  They were so real, the dreams, the smells, the atmosphere, the man.  It was tangible,  it was hard to go through this.  The dreams lasted for about a week and then disappeared. The man who attacked me was never caught. I still have tiny issues being in damp or dirty toilets and cannot bear to stand where someone else has dripped, like a swimming pool changing room or by a pool, but that’s as much trauma as I have now! Not too bad!

However, I still questioned at the time if it was me having some sort of breakdown or the angel realms were healing my scarred soul.  I soon got the answer.

SHALDON

Jay came and insisted that I got out of bed.  He still didn’t really understand my condition, thinking it was mind over matter.  However I had been isolating for so long, that I thought it would be good to get out and have some fresh air.  I told him about my current cluster of dreams and he suggested we take the angel cards with us, perhaps I could get some answers.  He had made some food for a picnic.  I felt quite excited even though I was totally exhausted and every movement was like a burning hot sword slicing through my body.

Sheldon, Devon

Shaldon, Devon

At Shaldon I took in the fresh briny air, listened with contentment to the screaming gulls and listened to the relentless ebb and flow of the magnificent emerald blue sea. The sea to me is like my life force, I am obsessed with it. I was glad I had made the effort.  I had hobbled into a cafe where we had a delicious hot chocolate, the dogs were in their element running around the sandy beach, I felt almost human.  Healthy people take for granted what they are able to do every day, we however, suffering with chronic illness, see the most smallest things as a magnificent treat.

I then started to get drop dead tired so Jay drove me to Labrador Bay where we ate the picnic in the car.Labrador Bay

It was simply stunning.  He then said, ‘Right let’s see what the angels have to say!‘ I put my roll down, took a deep breath, closed me eyes asking for answers in my mind, and selected the cards:

THE POWER OF ANGEL MESSAGES

ARCHANGEL GABRIEL  Gabriel is deeply concerned about children’s welfare and their healing.  Gabriel helps earthly messengers such as teach­ers and writers. This Arch­angel acts like a Heavenly agent and manager who motivates you to polish your skills. Gabriel then opens the door of opportunity for you to work in your chosen career, and gives you a loving push through it if you hesitate.

Wow, he was over seeing my childhood healing! Yet again, the writing had come up.

You are experiencing temporary set backs.  Do not compare yourself to others and also be aware of their motives.

Good the setbacks were temporary.  A reminder to keep myself safe from harmful humans and to not be resenting everyone else’s healthy lives.  I had been doing a lot of that recently.

ARCHANGEL RAGUEL   Justice, better finances and paying off of all debts

OMG! He was still with me and was reminding me my debt would be sorted! Could the justice be about my road accident and all of the loss?

New Career.  You must make yourself ready as your path is about to change.  Do not doubt your abilities in this new arena of your life

WOW! You just couldn’t write it.  How amazing were those messages.  I felt a new surge of hope snake through me.  But writing? Really, as a career? We would see.  Angel cards are so helpful and I always find are totally relevant to your needs.

How to use angel cards

I ask a question or sometimes just ask for a little guidance. You can do them daily or when you really need direction. I close my eyes, still my mind, then pick up to four cards, however many I feel to take at the time.  You either feel drawn to what card you want to take or sometimes they fall out of the pack when you are shuffling.  They ALWAYS explain my predicament or take me forward.  Sometimes they tell you what you don’t want to hear, but follow their advice!  I have many favourite packs.  I think the best thing to do is look at various packs and see which ones you are instantly attracted to if you want to start using them.  To be honest you can never go wrong with Doreen Virtue.

Doreen Virtue angel cards

Here’s a link to help you get going.  These are my current ones that I use.  They are angel essence mixed with the divinity of tarot.  Have a go, you really will get results.

B and Q

After our lunch I felt a little euphoric.  So on the way home I decided to stop in at B and Q to get some plants for my new garden.  It was a stupid move as I had already used all of my spoons for that day. This is what I mean by spoons!

Spoons for the day!

Spoons for the day!

As I hobbled into the store, I stopped right by the entrance and realised I just couldn’t move another inch.  I felt dizzy and unbalanced and just wanted to lay down.  Every muscle was screaming, it felt like my whole body was spewing lactic acid.  I started to feel an anxiety attack come on and just wanted to be home and in bed laying horizontal.  Unless you have this condition you have no idea how delicious it is to lay down, it’s like a wave of relief seeping through every nerve and fibre.

Sitting up is using a spoon, talking, listening, absolutely ANYTHING apart from laying down quietly is a spoon.  So on some days a talk with your friend or cleaning your teeth is the option, one or the other, not both.

Anyway back to B and Q,  I was obviously an impressive shade of green and white as Jay asked if I was alright.  I couldn’t reply.

One of the staff then came over and before I knew it I was shoved in a wheelchair.  I was horrified.  I was not disabled.  I was just ill for a while.  I could get up, I wasn’t going to be one of those people that  the public looked at  with a pitying glance as you were wheeled along.  I then had a battle right then and there in Torquay’s  B and Q.  I was crying and struggling to accept the predicament I was in.

A wheelchair user, disabled, no independence, useless, needy battled with comfortable, able to go to the shops, no more extra pain.  It was like my mind did not want to accept the inevitable.

But as Jay pushed me along, my muscles screaming their thanks, I realised that I had to surrender.  Yes, I was being pushed around, but I could look at the plants and see more than I had ever seen in months. I just felt like if I accepted that I couldn’t walk anywhere or get help, then it would be my reality forever.  I didn’t want to be disabled.  I wanted to be well and mobile and strong again.

But deep down, I knew that it was time to accept and embrace my current status.  The GP was wrong, I WAS disabled.  I needed a wheelchair for the time being.  I had to grow up and accept my situation, no use fighting anymore.

I remember looking at a fuschia and thinking,  ‘Ok, if that’s what my body needs for now, so be it.’

The plant of acceptance...

The plant of acceptance…

That special day fuelled by my angel cards lead me to get help and finally admit I needed to send out an SOS.  I had to stop ‘going it alone’.  Believe me it was a hell of a fight to accept this.  When you are a survivor, strong in will and totally independent, to accept help and the fact that it was vital to your daily routine was one of the most difficult things I ever had to come to terms with.

This final revelation lead to so many miraculous changes,  that I will never forget that special day and was so glad my body disintegrated in B an Q!


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sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 10

 

FOCUS, HEAL, FIGHT AND WRITE

So I thought that I had done well getting through the abuse nightmares, but obviously not.  Another exceptionally scary part of ME/ Fibro are the severe mood swings.  You have absolutely NO control over your emotions whatsoever.  For instance, yesterday I actually managed to get out and get myself dressed, all be it very slowly!  I sat by the most breath taking view of the river Parrett, looking out to contented cows munching on their delicious banquet of emerald green velvet, birdsong creating the most tantalising orchestra and countryside views that were simply stunning. I listened to the odd aquatic plop of a jumping Chub in the ever flowing river, feeling serene.

Anyone would have felt at peace and completely at one

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

with nature in this place.  It is hard to understand from someone who doesn’t suffer from this condition, but even though part of me was adoring just sitting still taking in the environment, there was a dark melodic song miserably wailing somewhere within, alerting me to the fact that sadness and anxiety were happily swimming through my consciousness just like the fish in the river.  You don’t feel depressed, you don’t have any reason to feel sad but your brain just decides that is what it is going to do for the day.

DOCTOR VISIT

So going back to January 2015, I was experiencing the most volatile mood swings I could have ever imagined.  The anxiety attacks were frightening and constant and to add to it I had a seriously ugly red blotched rash covering my hands and arms.  They looked like sores, they were disgusting.  So in the end I decided to make an appointment with my GP as the receptionist said the GP was too busy to come out to me and was it an emergency.  My friend was supposed to take me but she was kept at work.  I couldn’t afford a taxi so I decided rather stupidly to drive the two miles to the surgery in Brixham.  I wished that I hadn’t even bothered.

I walked into the room and straight away I burst into tears.  I couldn’t stop myself from wailing out every fear and worry.  I explained about the debt people hounding me every day, the anxiety attacks, the fact that I thought I should be put in a psych ward as I couldn’t cope with the mood swings and about my non existent life coping with the pain and exhaustion.

This was the following conversation.  As an ex police officer, I was so enraged I made original notes straight after!! lol

Dr sighs: Well I can give you some cream for the rash, but I have to say, you need to get a grip.

me: What do you mean?

Dr: Well it’s not as if you are disabled or anything, it’s not as if you have a broken limb

me: It’s not as if I’m disabled! (I repeat sarcastically)

Dr: Well no you managed to drive here, you are dressed and can carry that bag.

Me: I have my pyjama top on and a pair of jogging bottoms with no underwear, the bag is empty to carry my prescription and I had no choice but to drive.  It took me two hours to get out of my bed to the car and I will now no doubt be in bed for days because of the effort it took to get here!

Dr: Well that’s just it, straight away you are putting yourself in a negative thought pattern by saying you will end up in bed

Me: (raising my voice) Well that’s because it’s fact, I have been going through this for three years!

Dr: Why didn’t you get a taxi if you are so ill?

Me: Because I couldn’t afford it. Have you been listening?  Banks and debt collectors are calling and sending threatening letters every day.  Sometimes I can’t even buy food as I am paying all the debt off!

Dr: Well why don’t you go back to work?

Me: Why don’t I go back to work, are you serious?

Dr: As I said it’s not as if you are disabled

Me: Of course I am! I can’t look after myself I lay in bed month after month laying in my own urine, eating shit and rotting away like a ninety year old! (Shouting at this point)

Dr: I am not arguing with you Nichola, don’t use that language with me

Me (crying my eyes out) I can’t believe this, I can’t believe my Dr is saying this to me

Dr: Well as I said I am not arguing with you, you need to start getting dressed every day and forcing yourself to get out

Me: Just give me my cream

I then tried my best to march out of the door, but wasn’t very effective at a snail pace hobble!

What a wonderful supportive doctor, stupid cow!  It is the GP’s like this who make our lives a misery.  What is it about this condition that there is such a lack of knowledge and understanding with some GP’s?  I was hurt, exceptionally upset and my brain started to tell me that I was making it all up and a hypochondriac. If my GP wasn’t backing me up then who would? I stood crying as I got my cream at the pharmacy.  The pharmacist asked if I was ok, I just said, ‘I’m upset because my GP is disgusting!‘  Haha, what a thing to say.

So ladies and gents, my advice here is OWN IT!  Do not allow your GP to judge you or dismiss your illness due to their ignorance, whatever your illness is.  Complain about them if you are not happy.  ME and Fibro are the most misunderstood and disregarded conditions in this country.  I am so amazed by the lack of support and understanding. Speak out, we need to be heard!  Now, I would have given her what for, but I was so emotionally and mentally weak back then.  I just limped out of the surgery feeling even worse than I had before I went in.  I let her words haunt me, so the following day I forced myself to walk around the cemetery, obviously this lead to more pain and exhaustion, so promptly stopped after day two!

Own it!

Own it!

The cream did absolutely nothing to remove the blotches, I assumed they were another part of the illness, so just allowed them to spread and stopped using the cream.  I started using Lavendar and wheatgerm oil instead, smelled nice, but did nothing at all, at least it stopped the soreness!  The rash disappeared about six months after as if it have never been there, but left some nasty scars. Weird one!

SPIRALLING DOWN

From that day I was on a roller coaster of emotion, it was torturous.  One minute I was smiling listening to the birds, the next I was raging and wanted to kill the stupid cow who had smashed into me and caused all of this.  I spoke to no one.  Who wanted to hear my rantings?

But something weird happened, that jolted me into making efforts to snap out of the spiralling.

It was in the early hours of 23 Jan 2015.  I was looking after my friends dog Zeus (bless you Zeus, hope you are enjoying the rainbow bridge x) He was a very placid dog and very quiet.  But he woke me up by suddenly growling and barking.

I looked at the clock and it was 3.33.  I couldn’t understand what he was barking at, he stood at my bedroom door barking at an invisible space on the landing.  I was terrified as I thought there may be a burglar.  Then there was the most almighty crash.  It sounded like my front door had been kicked in.  My two little dogs then woke up and started barking as well.  It was complete chaos.  I grabbed the phone and started to dial 999 as I was convinced I was getting broken into.  Visions of being faced with an intruder started to flash through my mind.  My whole body started shaking as I looked around for a weapon. My ears were straining to hear where the intruders were in the house.

DREAM OR CELESTIAL?

But then as if I had dreamt it, Zeus sat down and stopped barking.  My two babies, stopped aswell and laid down promptly going back to sleep.  My heart was pounding, it was like there was a huge drum banging through my ears.  I was breathing frantically and still straining to hear for sound.  Zeus, then literally fell asleep, snoring his head off!

I listened for a little longer, finger hovering over the last 9 on my phone.  But there was nothing, complete silence.

Don't go down there!

Don’t go down there!

Now, you know when you watch a scary film and the victim walks into the darkness and you wait for the high violin stringed music to signal their impending death?  Yeah well that was me.  You would ordinarily scream, ‘Don’t go down there!’ But I put the phone in my pocket and shaking like a nutter, holding a back scratcher (Come on!  I could find no other weapon!) I furtively walked onto the landing stepping over the snoring Rotweiler, that should have been alert and guarding my back!  I stood on that landing for an eternity, sweat was running down my back as I was in my mind waiting for the violin music! Haha.  My back started to scream out in pain, so it was either return to my bed or hobble down the stairs.  I bravely or stupidly chose the latter.  I walked around the dark house and found nothing to explain the huge smash.  Everything was in order.  Nothing was out of place.  As I sat on the settee looking out to the cemetery it hit me like a thunderbolt.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

It was the 23 January, exactly THREE years to the day that I had had my road accident. I then remembered the time this incident had started 3.33.  I then tingled from head to toe.  I had been given a sign.  They were still with me, I was convinced.  They were making their presence known.  They were bringing to my attention that I wasn’t going through this hell alone.  I WASN’T ALONE!

I smiled as I looked out onto all of the silvery graves animated by the clouds flurrying before the moon.  It looked as if the shadows were dancing, celebrating, living.

I need to carry on fighting‘  I said out loud.

‘I need to dance and celebrate in my mind even if I can’t do it physically

A new resolve started to snake through me.  This bitch wasn’t going to beat me.

I then laughed as I put a vision in my mind of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!’ Yes get away from me, you filthy condition.  I heaved a huge sigh, said thank you to the angels, but they must have felt my niggling doubt that the smash and the time of the incident was a coincidence, because, like the alien, they kept on coming.

 

ANGELS

Every night from that night on, call it coincidence or not I was woken at 3.33.  I, as an open minded sceptic just assumed it was a natural occurrence, my brain registering that time every night to wake up.  Up above must have heard my mutinous thoughts!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won't load the proper way up? Weirdy!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won’t load the proper way up? Weirdy!

On Fri 13 Feb, I woke up to go to the toilet.  As I was in the bathroom, I heard voices and thought, ‘What now?’ I went upstairs and the television had turned itself on.  The remote was on the distant bed side cabinet. So I hadn’t leaned on it by accident or anything. I noted the time as 3.36 so I must have woken again at 3.33.  Amazingly the channel number was 369 and had stayed displayed on the screen in the top left hand corner, which ordinarily it doesn’t.  It was the Vintage Channel which I don’t really watch and certainly was not watching the previous evening.

369, Angel numbers.  I then heard a voice say Raguel.

My wing man

My wing man

Now I had never heard of this name before, so of course, I googled it:

To my absolute delight, it was a name of an Archangel.  I smiled as I read what he was responsible for.

Archangel Raguel working on the light blue ray is the Archangel of justice, harmony, peace, miracles and love.  He brings end to injustice, people and relationships from the past.

So was he here to balance the karma? Was that why I had had the dreams about my past abuse?  Was he here to heal me of my past hurts and friends who had turned their backs on me?  Was I going to get compensation for my life altering injury? Would I ever get a home again? Would the debt be dealt with? I looked around my bedroom, everything I had in there was pale blue and teal, colours I never usually was attracted to.  I had surrounded myself with his colour without even realising it.  I spoke out loud, ‘Archangel Raphael, I give you permission to enter my life and my soul and help me to heal from the injustice and hurt that has been brought upon me, I thank you for coming to me.’  That’s all you need to say really, when you invoke an angel.

MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD. OVER.

I then excitedly googled 369:

Angel number 369 is a message from your angels to continue forth upon your life purpose and soul mission, safe in the knowledge that your material wants and needs will be met as needed.  Your lightworking duties to serve and help humanity are important and you are being encouraged to put extra focus on your spiritual path and purpose.  Devote yourself to your soul mission without delay.

Your positive affirmations about your spiritual path and purpose have been heard and you are being responded to by the angels and those in higher realms.  Listen to your intuition and take action as guided.

Give any fears of monetary issues to the angels and get on with pursuing your purpose.  The angels, archangels and ascended masters fully support you and will ensure that your material wants and needs are met as you carry on your lightwork.

Research, study, schooling, education and learning will enhance and help your life purpose, personal growth and development at this time.  The angels will guide and help your need to learn and grow.

I then remembered with shocking clarity the angel necklace that I had found in a packing box the day before.

It was blue satin, with a light blue angel pendant on it.  I never remembered buying it or receiving it as a gift and as I touched it around my neck, I realised that it was the colour of Archangel Raguel. I then had a clear abrupt vision of my book.  The front cover was a picture of the Earth and human shadows in front of the Earth that depicted the Earth Walkers.

My destiny was to write and learn a new trade, I realised that now.  Write the direct word channeled from The Omnipresence and the angel realms.  My goal was clear.

After that magical night, a shift had taken place.  I let the phone ring on and on as I recognised the debt collectors numbers, smiling knowing that when the time was right, I would take them on and the banks with strength.  I just knew that it would be dealt with when it needed to be. It no longer haunted me. Justice would be done, I would be helped out materially, so all I had to do was focus, heal, fight and write.  I knew without any reservation that I was definitely being carried in the love and safety of the angel realms.

That night I slept like a baby.  They had finally reached me and had stopped the fear that had been eating away at my insides daily.  They were patient, but insistent and finally after all of their efforts, I was getting the message.

I felt truly blessed x

 

 


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Divine Intervention

Chronic illness, the light and the dark

WRITING BOOKS WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS, WHAT WAS I THINKING, NOTHING MUCH!

‘So what was the inspiration behind your book?’ I sat chewing my pen and had no clue how to answer that question.  I was filling out a questionnaire for a writing consultant and can honestly say that I had no inspiration to write for a living whatsoever.  Weird right?  Most people would most probably have a writing passion from birth or a previous life, lol, but not me!

Don’t get me wrong, I had always loved creative writing and had regular articles in many mainstream UK magazines, but to even think of writing blogs and books was beyond my remit.  You see, I never had a choice, it was thrust upon me in the most weirdest magical way.

THE WONDER OF DREAMS

Divine Intervention

Divine Intervention

In February 2014, I woke up after the most magnificent dream.  I was left in complete euphoria. I was desperately trying to resist my reality as I became more awake. I wanted to sink back into the wondrous pool of fantasy I was mercilessly being dragged from.  The dream was full of angels, miracles, world struggles, heaven and heroes.  ‘It was just a dream!’ You say. No, I haven’t mentioned yet about the fact that I’m a bit different from most people.  Since birth, I have been aware of spirit people, angels and other beings.  I was born into many generations of healers, mediums and psychics before me.  I was taking on a very important legacy that saw me leaving my career as a policeOn the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford detective and travelling globally to teach, demonstrate and investigate the magnificence of the afterlife.  My life was busy but amazing. I was relentless in helping humankind to understand how to cope with the pain of physical loss and understand the eternal journey of the soul.  I worked hard, played hard and loved my life. But oh how the brakes got firmly slammed on that existence!

 

On the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford

ACCIDENT

I had luckily worked my way up to becoming a well respected international medium and the world I saw, was literally my oyster.  But in January 2012, a few seconds changed my life forever. Those few seconds lead me two years later to be single, no career, no social life, homeless, debt laden, bed bound and in the darkest place of my life.  I had been T boned in a road accident by a young girl, that curiously left me in agonising pain on impact and bed bound experiencing the most debilitating exhaustion.  After a year of countless hospital appointments, doctors, specialists and physios, I was diagnosed with trauma related ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia.  I was happy with the diagnosis as I now knew what to fight, but as the months spread into years I realised there was no cure and I was just chasing the next ‘miracle cure’, after the next. Eating impossible diets and drinking every elixir I could get my hands on was my focus in life.  The biggest fight was to grieve my previous life and accept my new one.  I still have days now when I inadvertently find myself on that familiar battle ground.

Me before the accident

Me before the accident

To this.... after the accident

To this…. after the accident

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WRITING CAREER

So inspiration to write books and blogs? None existent.  I was just laying in a dark pool of misery just managing to get through each day through the numerous symptoms of my particular chronic illness.  Full body pain in every joint, nerve and fibre, blurred vision, excrutiating pain with no let up, dizziness, sore throats, brain fog, depression, exhaustion beyond anything I could imagine to name but a few.  The list of symptoms is endless and like a relentless machine crawls it’s way through your whole being in any way it wants despite any efforts to stop it.

The severity of CFS/ME

The severity of CFS/ME

So as I laid in the misery of my reality crying out to the angels or anyone that would listen, then at the eleventh hour, the dream arrived.  I knew the dream I had just had, being lucid and strong,  was a direct message from the angel realms as a loud voice boomed, ‘You shall write what you have dreamt.’   I got up straight after the dream and literally started writing like a woman possessed.  The first six chapters were laid out before me without hardly taking a breath.  I had no brain fog as I wrote and just literally typed out my dream, recalling all of the events with such a startling reality, it would give me goosebumps with every word.  In fact my head is tingling now and I’m goosing up as I write! 🙂  It also felt as if a silent voice was telling me what to write next, it was and still is an intriguing phenomena.  EARTH WALKERS the first book of a trilogy was finished in a matter of months. It was a beautiful way to relay my spiritual knowledge and expertise, fantasy fiction, laced with subliminal spiritual education.

But it hasn’t all been plain sailing.  Sometimes you have not got the strength or the thought process to write.  My hands and fingers can be so swollen and so painful that I couldn’t write even if I tried.  The delicious part was without a doubt though, being able to become absorbed in the writing.  It was like I could escape the confines of my caged body and sail through the realms of fantasy.  I started to see my writing as a kind of ‘fix’.  I started to feel excited that I could take myself away from my reality and bath in the delicious depths of fiction and fantasy.  It also hit me that I could still help people through my words rather than through theatres, television and workshops.  It was a win win situation.

BLOG

I told someone recently about what I am telling you and they said, ‘My God this is amazing, why are you not telling anyone about all of this, your story?  I could just listen to you forever.’  So a few weeks ago I started my first ever regular blog, ‘ME myself and I.  My Soul Diaries.’  Writing the blogs has definitely been cathartic, I have relived the worst time of my life and through faith and miracles can look back and see how far I have come.  I can also reach and hopefully inspire chronic illness sufferers as well as lace my life chronicles with spiritual understanding and the true magic that the celestial realms can bring.

COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

My next stage is to start the frightening step of sending my book out to agents.  But if it originally came from a psychic dream, surely it will flow and get out to where it needs to go?  All I know is, is that chronic illness can rob you of everything, but not your mind and soul.  If your mind is positive, your day can be bright irrespective of whether you are in bed or able to hobble around. However, if you choose to be in the darkness, then you will lay in a morbid pit of misery, despair and loneliness.  IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

If you suffer from chronic illness, reach out, ask for help and love yourself, putting everything second to your physical and mental well being.  If you are surrounded by negative people, extricate them from your life.  Nothing can exacerbate your condition more than stress and a negative environment and people. I have also found chronic illness forums on facebook invaluable and have made some very special friends who totally understand me as they are going through it themselves.  The biggest problem was educating my friends and family about this invisible illness.  If I had a pound for every:

‘But you look well are you better now?’

‘If you just force yourself up and push through it’

‘You should exercise to get moving again’

‘It doesn’t help you sleeping all the time’ (With a subliminal look of accusing you of being lazy)

I would be living in a mansion with a therapy unit, hydrotherapy pool, private therapist, chef and carer!  The beauty of my five year journey has been that I have had a chance to heal and reflect on my relationship with me.  I now love myself in a healthy way and refuse to be put in stressful situations, as I know that when I am exposed to difficult situations, my ‘new brain’ loses the ability to cope.  So I write when I’m able and rest when I should and take every day as it comes.  Be kind to yourself and do not let others judge how you feel or how you should be. Stop any of that nonsense in its tracks.

Love is key, to learn to love yourself and to be surrounded by it is vital.  My grieving process is full circle and I now find myself in the stage of acceptance. But cant lie, I do have wobbly days, I am only human after all! As I write this my lungs are hurting with each breath, my ribs feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand hot needles, my lips are full of cold sores, my feet are on fire and are swollen, my fingers and wrists are aching, BUT I get to share my story with you beautiful people and my office is my bed, writing in my PJ’s next to my two little dogs!  Lucky me!

I do hope that one day there may be a cure or this crippling ailment will leave me, but for the time being I shall stop chasing miracle cures, be the best person that I can be, continue to write and take each day as it comes…

Be Strong, be kind, BE YOU!

Be Strong, be kind, BE YOU!

I wish you strength, love, happiness and peace and hope that my little input has inspired you,

Lots of Love

Nicky Alan xxx


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My Totem Ladybird

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 9

FRIENDSHIP, NIGHTMARES AND THE LADYBIRD

I woke up and I was breathing like I had just ran a marathon.  I was soaked in sweat and felt like I had just been dragged from a time warp, a time in the past that I had never wanted to return to, ever.

During my teens after my dad had passed my mum unfortunately married, what I can only describe as nothing short of an animal.  Every day was like walking on egg shells hoping to appease him to prevent his frenzied violent attacks.  Fear roamed the corridors of our home like a malevolent shadow, waiting for any excuse to manifest itself.  I had along with other traumas, thought that I had dealt with this time in my life with therapy, but obviously not, as I was being taken back to that time every time I fell asleep.

The nightmares were so real that I thought I was dissolving into some sort of breakdown.  I was back as a teenager, angry, frustrated and  in the fear and terror of his vitriolic words, sneers and violence.  I just couldn’t work out why this was happening.  It was 1 Jan 2015 and I could see nothing but a black year ahead.  I just couldn’t shake out of it.  I was feeling like a victim again with the nightmares bringing all of my worried thoughts and innermost fears to the surface.  Why was I being made to suffer? The state I was in made me even more prone to not answering the phone.  It would buzz silently by my side but I refused to connect to the outside world, not even my closest friends had access, including Jay.  I couldn’t cope with talking, having any conversation or projecting my misery onto anyone else. I was isolating and I knew it.

THE LADYBIRD

My Totem Ladybird

My Totem Ladybird

As I went to grab my glass of water I was just about to take a sip and nearly swallowed a ladybird.  I carefully took it out of the inner rim of the glass and placed it onto the windowsill.  I then went back to sleep as the insomnia was horrific so most days I slept all day.

I woke up about 9pm fed my poor babies and was wide awake.  I had had yet another nightmare but chose to put it to the back of my mind as I literally ‘lost’ myself in Lost, a mysterious show where people are marooned on a very strange island.  I could hear a flickering sound and after a while realised that it was coming from under my lampshade.  It was the lady bird again.  Fearing she may burn on the light bulb, I caught her and took her downstairs to the lounge.

 

THE CEMETERY

I then decided to walk through the cemetery so the dogs could get a run.  Looking back on it, anyone from the road would have thought they had seen a ghost! I was in a white hooded dressing gown and carrying a torch!  I found a weird sense of solace sitting there in the silence under the starlit sky and the moon.  With no superficial light it felt ethereal.  I used to have many conversations with the angels there, in the black velvet of night.  But I never seemed to get an answer.  I felt an irony in that place, I felt like a ghost drifting through time and space with no specific goal or reason. It was so peaceful. I could understand why I had been given this space.

easebourne_cemetery_at_night_by_yoshi_1981

My starlit sanctuary

 

DIVINE INTERVENTION

When I walked back into the house, I of course went straight back to bed.  I saw something in the corner of my eye and saw that the ladybird was sitting on my pillow.  It just didn’t click, but remember the bumble bee?  So I huffed, lifted her up again and put her on the windowsill behind the net curtain.  I must have drifted off as at exactly 2.22 am I woke up and what was sitting on my hand?  The ladybird. I checked to see if this was a second ladybird, but there was nothing behind the net curtain, I recognised the markings anyway. It then finally hit me that this was a totem.  I googled it:

A ladybird heralds a time of luck.  Higher goals and new heights are possible.  Worries begin to dissipate.  New happiness will come about.  Don’t go too fast or try too hard to fulfil your dreams.  Let things flow at a natural pace.  In due course wishes come true.  Leave your worries behind you.  Do not be scared to live your own truth.  Protect your truth and know that it is yours to honour.

So it was about accepting my situation and allowing the processes to flow and resting throughout.  It was also telling me that I had to accept me and my new truth. It was to be difficult as I had always been driven to be the best at everything I did, as being good at doing nothing was the hugest obstacle I had to overcome.  It then hit me, was I being healed from my abuse trauma? Was there still a recess somewhere in my soul that tenaciously protected the memories and experiences of that trauma and they were finally being exorcised for good?  Was this part of the boot camp?  So many questions, but I just didn’t have the answers.

What I will say is these nightmares paved way to something magnificent and another tool to my itinerary that would prove useful in future years.  I just couldn’t see it at the time.  As for the luck and happiness to come, it was exactly right, but again I was in the black and at that moment in time there was no flicker of light to help me along my dark tunnel of isolation and misery.

I then googled 222:

222 as an angel number is one of the more common sequences shown to those who are awakening to the presence and guidance from the angelic realm.

The Angel Number 222 has a very significant and powerful vibration. It contains the attributes of 2 and 22, the Master Builder Number of inspiration, big ideas and the focus and persistence needed to manifest big dreams into reality.

222 as an Angel Number has to do with manifestation, keeping in balance, and creating blessings on a huge and global scale.

When you repetitively see 222, it’s a message from the angels that you’re on the right track. You’re in the right place at the right time. Stay positive, know that your angels are supporting you, but remember to ask for angelic assistance.

222 offers assurance that things are and will work out for the best when you focus on your desired outcome, stay positive, go with the flow, and continue taking steps in creating your desired result.

The Angel Number 222 is a reminder to keep the faith, to stay focused on what you want rather than what you do not, and to trust that all is well, and everything is working out according to Divine will for the highest and greatest good.

How inspiring!  It was a perfect explanation of my circumstances and my dream of publishing Earth Walkers, and just to back this up when I went back to sleep, I had another very lucid dream, another story that I was to write.  It is called Coffin Crashers and is a romantic adult comedy ficton about two girls who work in a funeral home and gate crash the funerals to find love!  It also enables me to bring in facts about the afterlife and the journey of our soul.  It’s an excellent story.  So perhaps I was being taken onto a new more creative path?  Becoming a writer of fantasy fiction?  Who knew.

The next three weeks brought the most horrific nightmares connected to my past, but miraculously, the dreams started to change.  By the end of this particular part of my spiritual boot camp, healing abuse, including an attack I experienced when I was 7, I found I was taking control of each dream and in the end won over the attacker and my mum’s ex husband.  After a few nights of me being the victor.  The nightmares stopped.

Yes I was indeed being healed finally of this past trauma.  It made me realise that perhaps the shadows in my soul were being erased in order for me to be clear, light and ready for my new spiritual work.

FRIENDSHIP

The morning after the last victorious nightmare, I went down to the front door to let the dogs out.  There on the doorstep was a basket full of food.  There was no note, no clue to who had left it there, it was just full of essentials that I needed.  As I put my arm up to steady myself by the front door, the ladybird was sitting on my arm.  I started to cry, I felt so grateful and most of all loved and thought of.  The food parcels, cooked meals and toiletries were left regularly on the doorstep.  I may not be reaching out, but I was being cared for in a most magical way.  I can honestly say, I would not be where I am now without my friends.

Never underestimate the true power of genuine friendship.  These are the beautiful souls who will be there for the highlights and the shadows.  I have found that my close friends are my family, my soul cluster.  Even though I hadn’t learned it yet, they were and are my lifeline.  Please if you suffer from a chronic illness, reach out to your friends, they are just waiting for you to ask, trust me.  There is no weakness in asking for help, if anything it is a refusal of self love and self care.  I still struggle, but I am getting there!

SUPPORT

I would also like to add, that if you have been the victim of any abuse or trauma, it may still be held in your soul as a shadow, even though you think you may have dealt with it, it could still be affecting your life now.

Please consider counselling if you are open to this type of therapy.  There are many other holistic ways through hypnosis, NLP, healing, CBT etc.

 

Archangel Raphael

Archangel Raphael

Ask Archangel Raphael to help heal your way forward.  It doesn’t have to be a specific prayer, just give him permission to come and help you.  He works on a beautiful green ray of light.  Imagine this colour in your head as you ask him to come and help you.

Archangel Michael, the warrior, is also a good Archangel to call upon, on a radiant blue light he can help you move forward with strength and focus and help cut any ties that bind you to the past.

Archangel Michael

Archangel Michael

 

Generally in the next few days you will get a specific sign from them to say that they had answered your call.  It can be anything to a feather delivered in an unnatural environment, an angel symbol or anything that will hit you as ‘weird’ or a representation of the angel realms!

Don’t allow your past to create your present and your future.  get rid of it once and for all.

 

My tale of the lady bird was a sad one, I found out she needed to be hibernated.  I placed her in a matchbox and put her in the porch but found her dead in the spring.  I was so upset!  But in her death, it almost felt symbolic, like there was a death of part of me which could surely only lead to resurrection…..


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'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 8

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

Hi everyone,

It’s great to see that people are commenting on the blogs themselves. I would love a community to build up here so we can help each other and discuss my blogs.  So please don’t be shy, add your thoughts!

So where were we?

MY NEW HOME

Yes, I had just moved into my cottage in Kingswear Cemetery. It is a solitary cottage completely surrounded by forestry and of course graves! I had no neighbours, nothing but nature.  I was so relived that after 8 months I finally had my own space and a place to call home.  I had never rented a house in my life so was feeling a little vulnerable but grateful. Jay had stayed for a couple of days so that I settled in.  I was then alone. I woke up and went downstairs and looked at all the moving boxes around me feeling a little intimated  with the mammoth task ahead. A lot of my stuff had been in storage and was full of mould. It was what I had clawed together before I had said goodbye to my house in Essex that I adored.

THE CRASH 7 NOV 2014

I stood looking out to the cemetery, it then hit me. It felt like my life force where the last morsels of sand running out in an hour glass had dropped their last grain.  I then literally felt every single bit of energy seep from my body. I started to shake and get heart palpitations, feeling dizzy I stumbled to the settee fighting for breath clutching my chest. I laid down panicking, no this wasn’t happening, I had been free to get around all summer, this just couldn’t be happening. The snarling beast of ME sauntered towards me it’s gnarled fingers reaching out to claim it’s prize. I was now about to pay for all of my activity throughout the summer.  The pain started to snake through my body until each breath felt like I was breathing in shards of glass. As tears stung my eyes I fell into a dreamless sleep, the only option, submission.

I woke up and it was dark.

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

I could hardly move and guiltily looked at two pairs of staring eyes. My dogs needed feeding, so I staggered to the kitchen every limb shaking from the effort and fed them. I had a glass of water then went straight to my bed and woke up again the following afternoon.

The sheets were drenched. Another symptom, excessive sweating, I was far too weak to change the sheets so I just chucked a towel over the soaked stinking mess.

My body was trembling so violently that I was terrified.   It took a little while to realise that I had no bladder control so I stuffed a towel around my bottom aswell.

I could hear a low growling moan, it took a few minutes to realise it was coming from me.

I realised that I had unleashed my lion over the last few months and had brought myself into the worst ME crash ever.

I thought that I had been through the worst.

How wrong was I.

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

This would be an opportune time to explain the LION and the MOUSE.

I was doing a trance demonstration once and as ever the exuberant Julianus came to the fore.  He was asked a question about what is the human soul and how is it different from our spirit.

This was his answer.

‘The spirit Is our essence. It reflects the colours and light that we perpetually carry and beam out. We exist in the ever moving ebb and flow of the universe. It is our identifying light amongst all the others that live within every living thing.

Your soul is your story, consciousness and core of intelligence.

When you incarnate onto the earth you need to cope with it’s heavy resonance and that of other humans.

It is like when Nichola dives. She needs equipment to manage the different atmosphere. The lower part of your soul that covers the heart chakra to the base chakra is the necessary equipment to help mange your material life. It reflects the same energy vibration of Earth life.  The higher part of the soul is your light connection to us and the universe. From your heart to your crown chakra.

For human purposes the higher part of the soul we shall call the ‘mouse.’  The tiny voice that feeds us all we need from the universe to live a spiritually connected life as a human.

The lower part we shall call the ‘lion.’ It roars with ego and human emotion and threatens the mouse’s tiny voice if you let it. The trick is to allow both mouse and lion to live in harmony. Once the lion roars too loudly for too long, the mouse is frightened, voiceless and becomes lost in the human experience.

How very simple!  So my lion roared all through summer, I MUST WORK, I MUST RECORD A CD, I MUST BOOK A NEW COURSE, I MUST BOOK SHOWS. My poor little mouse was trying to shriek above the roars to warn me of my frailty but I refused to shut the lion up.

You always know when you have gone wrong as nothing flows. Let this be my wisdom to you, if you keep trying something and it repeatedly fails and nothing flows from it, CHANGE DIRECTION.  When it is right, it will flow with everything dropped in front of you with no effort at all.

My CD hardly sold as I wasn’t able to get out there and promote it.  I was mortified, my friend Mark had arranged the production and recording facilities and it had failed. It was the first ever failure in my career, I was so embarassed,  the Universe was not allowing it to flow AT ALL.  I felt no one was interested in my work anymore, I was nothing, an old urban legend of a once good medium.  I should never had abused my energy to get it done.  The lion wanted to get it out there to help people, keep me in the loop as a medium and of course the funds were to help me survive as I was hardly working. The mouse was obviously trying to tell me to rest, take time out and heal. I remembered Julianus’ words when I was on Berry head, ‘last chance, don’t abuse it.’

Jay phoned to ask how I was, he was one of the very few I would pick the phone up to. I cried, I moaned, I screamed. He just listened but then he said something was niggling him, he was preoccupied all the time with the fact I had heard nothing from the solicitor who was representing me for the accident. Materially I was hanging in there for a payout. Without that I was truly in dire straits.

Jay kept on insisting that I phoned up to check what was going on. In the end just to shut him up, I emailed.

THE SHAME OF THE COURT SYSTEM

Long story short, the solicitor had done absolutely nothing with my case. It had sat in a pile as it was deemed a ‘complex case’ and obviously he didn’t want to deal with it. In three months time I would lose the chance to make a claim on the accident. I tried to complain through the ombudsman but they, all as most corporations do, close ranks.

When it dawned on me that I might not get any compensation at all, that’s when the anxiety attacks really kicked in. I would lay their wild eyed gasping for breath thinking I was having a heart attack. Thinking back on this time I feel quite nauseous remembering it. I was in my worst hell.  I hung on to the fact that I could use the money for care, a cleaner, private treatment and potentially my own home again. The desolation hit me every minute.  I felt doomed to the core.

Now just changing the subject a little, I have names that hold a particular energy.

David is a massively important name and men with this name have always represented help to me, it is also the code name my dad uses when he visits me from the spirit world as it was his best friends name.

Mark is another one. Mark’s in my life  are always there supporting in the background and want nothing in return.

So the next day when I saw the name Mark at a local solicitors firm I called him.

I don’t know how he understood my story as I was hysterically crying and reeling out my predicament about my solicitor failing me. I asked if he could help.

I will never forget his words,

‘Nicky ordinarily I never take on a case from another solicitor, but after hearing your story and how you have been so desperately let down, I’m taking this on, but I can’t promise you anything’

I felt so relieved.  Mark applied for an extension and registered the accident with the court, he was amazing, but this is what really angers me.  The law and the courts recognise ME and Fibromyalgia as a ‘malingerers’ disease. Not real. They also will not accept that road accidents can create this condition. So every knock and bang in my medical history was put down to this condition  going to happen anyway. The fact I was bed bound and in agony directly after the impact was not relevant at all.

Mark had only a few months to get all of the evidence together which wasn’t long enough. I was going to lose out big time. It also wasn’t relevant that I had lost my career, my two homes and my whole life. You can’t claim for that. So these people that sue in America for being upset over a news report seemed more important than my accident that wasn’t my fault, my illness and my non existent life. It made me want to puke.

Oh how the Lion roared. I felt hard done by, an enormous sense of injustice and a vitriolic anger that lived within me for the foreseeable future.  I also went back to self hate, as I had obviously deserved all of this misery.

The lion despite everything, still made me grip determinedly to my career, I wasn’t going to lose it, so I stupidly decided I would do a show on the 17 December at Lupton.

THE FINALE OF MY CAREER

Dragging myself through

Dragging myself through

The show had the lowest energy I have ever worked with in my life. I struggled with every link in the first half, the spirit people were walking all over me, jumping in and out whenever they pleased, jumbling all of the messages up and confusing me.  I was too weak to control them. When the first half ended the relief was tangible.  I went into the back room during half time and as I made my way to the settee my legs gave out from under me. I was trembling and felt like I was going to vomit, I couldn’t stop crying and felt so exhausted. I trowelled more makeup on and to my utter shame looking back, I necked three cans of red bull, oral morphine and vodka to try and keep me going for the second half. I am ashamed, but this blog of my soul journey has to be my truth, whether it is pretty or ugly.

It was at that point that I knew I had to surrender. It was over.

‘Enough Nicky, no more’ I said to myself.

I then walked up onto the stage, fake smile plastered onto my face, when all I wanted to do was collapse onto the floor and cry my heart out.

How I got through that night I will never know.  My grandad Fred came in the second half to help me.  When I got home I realised that there was to be no more public appearances and demonstrations. This was another thing I had to grieve as I cancelled everything and cut my work phone off.  As far as I was concerned my career was over and the stupid dream I had had about the Earth Walkers was just that, a far away dream that would never come to any fruition.

BACK TO BLACK

I was back in my dark, claustrophobic pit and this time, I didn’t want to get out of it. I wanted to rot away.  I wanted to starve my soul, mind and body until I was no good for this earth and would be taken back home.

Every night I begged God to take me back home as  I couldn’t do my Earth experience any more.  Suicide was like a morbid fantasy weaving its way through my consciousness at any given moment. But every time I looked at my little babies eyes staring at me I couldn’t imagine abandoning them like life had abandoned me, so I just sat in the fantasy of death hoping that the decision would be made for me.

I was also putting on weight. With no exercise and a diet of biscuits and cake, each gained pound corroborated my abhorrent view of myself. The lion told me I would never be attractive again, nobody would ever want me and that I was to be alone forever. The downward spiral was on full throttle and I had no intention of slamming on the brakes.

THE SERAPHIM

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarachy

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarchy

One night as usual I was awake, the insomnia was horrific. I slept for days then was awake for weeks with no respite.

I heard a female voice which sounded like singing. Despite me living in a cemetery it was not haunted at all. It was 3.33 in the morning when my phone turned itself on and started playing music, angel meditation music.

Angel number 333. I then heard a low rumbling and knew that something was about to happen.

Julianus then said,

‘We have provided this dwelling as a sanctuary. It will be protective, it will be completely for your healing. It is your castle and we will ward off anything that will bring harm’

I then saw in my minds eye a huge Seraphim growing bigger and bigger and folding her colossal black wings around the house.

Seraphim are one of the oldest, highest forms of the angel hierarchy.  They are God’s warriors. ( I had learned this in my dream for Earth Walkers) They were creating a bubble for me to reside in to heal, whilst obviously the soul boot camp exploded to a higher more intense level.

I then saw a shimmering light on my landing and Catherine, my guide of prophecy and Khan stood smiling at me with such a  look of humility that I started to cry.

I whispered,  ‘Please help me!’

The only reply that I received was, ‘Help yourself and we shall carry you through the journey’

I didn’t want to hear this, I wanted a magical miracle to transport me to a proper life free of ill health. But we never get what we want, we can only achieve our goals through hard work and introspection.

I thought I had had a hard life, but this was just the beginning.

I was to be put though the mill, squeezed through the wrangle until every single thing that held darkness was wrung out of me drip by agonising drip.

The first lesson was dealing with my abuse as a child and teenager.  The horrors of my past that had been locked away, were now being reopened and put right in front of my face.

Believe me when I say, they refused to leave until I lived through every single experience they gave me, the only option was to engage with them or allow their misery to haunt me…..


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