WRITING BOOKS WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS, WHAT WAS I THINKING, NOTHING MUCH!
‘So what was the inspiration behind your book?’ I sat chewing my pen and had no clue how to answer that question. I was filling out a questionnaire for a writing consultant and can honestly say that I had no inspiration to write for a living whatsoever. Weird right? Most people would most probably have a writing passion from birth or a previous life, lol, but not me!
Don’t get me wrong, I had always loved creative writing and had regular articles in many mainstream UK magazines, but to even think of writing blogs and books was beyond my remit. You see, I never had a choice, it was thrust upon me in the most weirdest magical way.
THE WONDER OF DREAMS
In February 2014, I woke up after the most magnificent dream. I was left in complete euphoria. I was desperately trying to resist my reality as I became more awake. I wanted to sink back into the wondrous pool of fantasy I was mercilessly being dragged from. The dream was full of angels, miracles, world struggles, heaven and heroes. ‘It was just a dream!’ You say. No, I haven’t mentioned yet about the fact that I’m a bit different from most people. Since birth, I have been aware of spirit people, angels and other beings. I was born into many generations of healers, mediums and psychics before me. I was taking on a very important legacy that saw me leaving my career as a police detective and travelling globally to teach, demonstrate and investigate the magnificence of the afterlife. My life was busy but amazing. I was relentless in helping humankind to understand how to cope with the pain of physical loss and understand the eternal journey of the soul. I worked hard, played hard and loved my life. But oh how the brakes got firmly slammed on that existence!
On the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford
I had luckily worked my way up to becoming a well respected international medium and the world I saw, was literally my oyster. But in January 2012, a few seconds changed my life forever. Those few seconds lead me two years later to be single, no career, no social life, homeless, debt laden, bed bound and in the darkest place of my life. I had been T boned in a road accident by a young girl, that curiously left me in agonising pain on impact and bed bound experiencing the most debilitating exhaustion. After a year of countless hospital appointments, doctors, specialists and physios, I was diagnosed with trauma related ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia. I was happy with the diagnosis as I now knew what to fight, but as the months spread into years I realised there was no cure and I was just chasing the next ‘miracle cure’, after the next. Eating impossible diets and drinking every elixir I could get my hands on was my focus in life. The biggest fight was to grieve my previous life and accept my new one. I still have days now when I inadvertently find myself on that familiar battle ground.
So inspiration to write books and blogs? None existent. I was just laying in a dark pool of misery just managing to get through each day through the numerous symptoms of my particular chronic illness. Full body pain in every joint, nerve and fibre, blurred vision, excrutiating pain with no let up, dizziness, sore throats, brain fog, depression, exhaustion beyond anything I could imagine to name but a few. The list of symptoms is endless and like a relentless machine crawls it’s way through your whole being in any way it wants despite any efforts to stop it.
So as I laid in the misery of my reality crying out to the angels or anyone that would listen, then at the eleventh hour, the dream arrived. I knew the dream I had just had, being lucid and strong, was a direct message from the angel realms as a loud voice boomed, ‘You shall write what you have dreamt.’ I got up straight after the dream and literally started writing like a woman possessed. The first six chapters were laid out before me without hardly taking a breath. I had no brain fog as I wrote and just literally typed out my dream, recalling all of the events with such a startling reality, it would give me goosebumps with every word. In fact my head is tingling now and I’m goosing up as I write! 🙂 It also felt as if a silent voice was telling me what to write next, it was and still is an intriguing phenomena. EARTH WALKERS the first book of a trilogy was finished in a matter of months. It was a beautiful way to relay my spiritual knowledge and expertise, fantasy fiction, laced with subliminal spiritual education.
But it hasn’t all been plain sailing. Sometimes you have not got the strength or the thought process to write. My hands and fingers can be so swollen and so painful that I couldn’t write even if I tried. The delicious part was without a doubt though, being able to become absorbed in the writing. It was like I could escape the confines of my caged body and sail through the realms of fantasy. I started to see my writing as a kind of ‘fix’. I started to feel excited that I could take myself away from my reality and bath in the delicious depths of fiction and fantasy. It also hit me that I could still help people through my words rather than through theatres, television and workshops. It was a win win situation.
I told someone recently about what I am telling you and they said, ‘My God this is amazing, why are you not telling anyone about all of this, your story? I could just listen to you forever.’ So a few weeks ago I started my first ever regular blog, ‘ME myself and I. My Soul Diaries.’ Writing the blogs has definitely been cathartic, I have relived the worst time of my life and through faith and miracles can look back and see how far I have come. I can also reach and hopefully inspire chronic illness sufferers as well as lace my life chronicles with spiritual understanding and the true magic that the celestial realms can bring.
COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS
My next stage is to start the frightening step of sending my book out to agents. But if it originally came from a psychic dream, surely it will flow and get out to where it needs to go? All I know is, is that chronic illness can rob you of everything, but not your mind and soul. If your mind is positive, your day can be bright irrespective of whether you are in bed or able to hobble around. However, if you choose to be in the darkness, then you will lay in a morbid pit of misery, despair and loneliness. IT’S YOUR CHOICE!
If you suffer from chronic illness, reach out, ask for help and love yourself, putting everything second to your physical and mental well being. If you are surrounded by negative people, extricate them from your life. Nothing can exacerbate your condition more than stress and a negative environment and people. I have also found chronic illness forums on facebook invaluable and have made some very special friends who totally understand me as they are going through it themselves. The biggest problem was educating my friends and family about this invisible illness. If I had a pound for every:
‘But you look well are you better now?’
‘If you just force yourself up and push through it’
‘You should exercise to get moving again’
‘It doesn’t help you sleeping all the time’ (With a subliminal look of accusing you of being lazy)
I would be living in a mansion with a therapy unit, hydrotherapy pool, private therapist, chef and carer! The beauty of my five year journey has been that I have had a chance to heal and reflect on my relationship with me. I now love myself in a healthy way and refuse to be put in stressful situations, as I know that when I am exposed to difficult situations, my ‘new brain’ loses the ability to cope. So I write when I’m able and rest when I should and take every day as it comes. Be kind to yourself and do not let others judge how you feel or how you should be. Stop any of that nonsense in its tracks.
Love is key, to learn to love yourself and to be surrounded by it is vital. My grieving process is full circle and I now find myself in the stage of acceptance. But cant lie, I do have wobbly days, I am only human after all! As I write this my lungs are hurting with each breath, my ribs feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand hot needles, my lips are full of cold sores, my feet are on fire and are swollen, my fingers and wrists are aching, BUT I get to share my story with you beautiful people and my office is my bed, writing in my PJ’s next to my two little dogs! Lucky me!
I do hope that one day there may be a cure or this crippling ailment will leave me, but for the time being I shall stop chasing miracle cures, be the best person that I can be, continue to write and take each day as it comes…
I wish you strength, love, happiness and peace and hope that my little input has inspired you,
Lots of Love
Nicky Alan xxx