ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 8
Category : MY STORY
THE LION AND THE MOUSE
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So where were we?
MY NEW HOME
Yes, I had just moved into my cottage in Kingswear Cemetery. It is a solitary cottage completely surrounded by forestry and of course graves! I had no neighbours, nothing but nature. I was so relived that after 8 months I finally had my own space and a place to call home. I had never rented a house in my life so was feeling a little vulnerable but grateful. Jay had stayed for a couple of days so that I settled in. I was then alone. I woke up and went downstairs and looked at all the moving boxes around me feeling a little intimated with the mammoth task ahead. A lot of my stuff had been in storage and was full of mould. It was what I had clawed together before I had said goodbye to my house in Essex that I adored.
THE CRASH 7 NOV 2014
I stood looking out to the cemetery, it then hit me. It felt like my life force where the last morsels of sand running out in an hour glass had dropped their last grain. I then literally felt every single bit of energy seep from my body. I started to shake and get heart palpitations, feeling dizzy I stumbled to the settee fighting for breath clutching my chest. I laid down panicking, no this wasn’t happening, I had been free to get around all summer, this just couldn’t be happening. The snarling beast of ME sauntered towards me it’s gnarled fingers reaching out to claim it’s prize. I was now about to pay for all of my activity throughout the summer. The pain started to snake through my body until each breath felt like I was breathing in shards of glass. As tears stung my eyes I fell into a dreamless sleep, the only option, submission.
I woke up and it was dark.
I could hardly move and guiltily looked at two pairs of staring eyes. My dogs needed feeding, so I staggered to the kitchen every limb shaking from the effort and fed them. I had a glass of water then went straight to my bed and woke up again the following afternoon.
The sheets were drenched. Another symptom, excessive sweating, I was far too weak to change the sheets so I just chucked a towel over the soaked stinking mess.
My body was trembling so violently that I was terrified. It took a little while to realise that I had no bladder control so I stuffed a towel around my bottom aswell.
I could hear a low growling moan, it took a few minutes to realise it was coming from me.
I realised that I had unleashed my lion over the last few months and had brought myself into the worst ME crash ever.
I thought that I had been through the worst.
How wrong was I.
THE LION AND THE MOUSE
This would be an opportune time to explain the LION and the MOUSE.
I was doing a trance demonstration once and as ever the exuberant Julianus came to the fore. He was asked a question about what is the human soul and how is it different from our spirit.
This was his answer.
‘The spirit Is our essence. It reflects the colours and light that we perpetually carry and beam out. We exist in the ever moving ebb and flow of the universe. It is our identifying light amongst all the others that live within every living thing.
Your soul is your story, consciousness and core of intelligence.
When you incarnate onto the earth you need to cope with it’s heavy resonance and that of other humans.
It is like when Nichola dives. She needs equipment to manage the different atmosphere. The lower part of your soul that covers the heart chakra to the base chakra is the necessary equipment to help mange your material life. It reflects the same energy vibration of Earth life. The higher part of the soul is your light connection to us and the universe. From your heart to your crown chakra.
For human purposes the higher part of the soul we shall call the ‘mouse.’ The tiny voice that feeds us all we need from the universe to live a spiritually connected life as a human.
The lower part we shall call the ‘lion.’ It roars with ego and human emotion and threatens the mouse’s tiny voice if you let it. The trick is to allow both mouse and lion to live in harmony. Once the lion roars too loudly for too long, the mouse is frightened, voiceless and becomes lost in the human experience.
How very simple! So my lion roared all through summer, I MUST WORK, I MUST RECORD A CD, I MUST BOOK A NEW COURSE, I MUST BOOK SHOWS. My poor little mouse was trying to shriek above the roars to warn me of my frailty but I refused to shut the lion up.
You always know when you have gone wrong as nothing flows. Let this be my wisdom to you, if you keep trying something and it repeatedly fails and nothing flows from it, CHANGE DIRECTION. When it is right, it will flow with everything dropped in front of you with no effort at all.
My CD hardly sold as I wasn’t able to get out there and promote it. I was mortified, my friend Mark had arranged the production and recording facilities and it had failed. It was the first ever failure in my career, I was so embarassed, the Universe was not allowing it to flow AT ALL. I felt no one was interested in my work anymore, I was nothing, an old urban legend of a once good medium. I should never had abused my energy to get it done. The lion wanted to get it out there to help people, keep me in the loop as a medium and of course the funds were to help me survive as I was hardly working. The mouse was obviously trying to tell me to rest, take time out and heal. I remembered Julianus’ words when I was on Berry head, ‘last chance, don’t abuse it.’
Jay phoned to ask how I was, he was one of the very few I would pick the phone up to. I cried, I moaned, I screamed. He just listened but then he said something was niggling him, he was preoccupied all the time with the fact I had heard nothing from the solicitor who was representing me for the accident. Materially I was hanging in there for a payout. Without that I was truly in dire straits.
Jay kept on insisting that I phoned up to check what was going on. In the end just to shut him up, I emailed.
THE SHAME OF THE COURT SYSTEM
Long story short, the solicitor had done absolutely nothing with my case. It had sat in a pile as it was deemed a ‘complex case’ and obviously he didn’t want to deal with it. In three months time I would lose the chance to make a claim on the accident. I tried to complain through the ombudsman but they, all as most corporations do, close ranks.
When it dawned on me that I might not get any compensation at all, that’s when the anxiety attacks really kicked in. I would lay their wild eyed gasping for breath thinking I was having a heart attack. Thinking back on this time I feel quite nauseous remembering it. I was in my worst hell. I hung on to the fact that I could use the money for care, a cleaner, private treatment and potentially my own home again. The desolation hit me every minute. I felt doomed to the core.
Now just changing the subject a little, I have names that hold a particular energy.
David is a massively important name and men with this name have always represented help to me, it is also the code name my dad uses when he visits me from the spirit world as it was his best friends name.
Mark is another one. Mark’s in my life are always there supporting in the background and want nothing in return.
So the next day when I saw the name Mark at a local solicitors firm I called him.
I don’t know how he understood my story as I was hysterically crying and reeling out my predicament about my solicitor failing me. I asked if he could help.
I will never forget his words,
‘Nicky ordinarily I never take on a case from another solicitor, but after hearing your story and how you have been so desperately let down, I’m taking this on, but I can’t promise you anything’
I felt so relieved. Mark applied for an extension and registered the accident with the court, he was amazing, but this is what really angers me. The law and the courts recognise ME and Fibromyalgia as a ‘malingerers’ disease. Not real. They also will not accept that road accidents can create this condition. So every knock and bang in my medical history was put down to this condition going to happen anyway. The fact I was bed bound and in agony directly after the impact was not relevant at all.
Mark had only a few months to get all of the evidence together which wasn’t long enough. I was going to lose out big time. It also wasn’t relevant that I had lost my career, my two homes and my whole life. You can’t claim for that. So these people that sue in America for being upset over a news report seemed more important than my accident that wasn’t my fault, my illness and my non existent life. It made me want to puke.
Oh how the Lion roared. I felt hard done by, an enormous sense of injustice and a vitriolic anger that lived within me for the foreseeable future. I also went back to self hate, as I had obviously deserved all of this misery.
The lion despite everything, still made me grip determinedly to my career, I wasn’t going to lose it, so I stupidly decided I would do a show on the 17 December at Lupton.
THE FINALE OF MY CAREER
The show had the lowest energy I have ever worked with in my life. I struggled with every link in the first half, the spirit people were walking all over me, jumping in and out whenever they pleased, jumbling all of the messages up and confusing me. I was too weak to control them. When the first half ended the relief was tangible. I went into the back room during half time and as I made my way to the settee my legs gave out from under me. I was trembling and felt like I was going to vomit, I couldn’t stop crying and felt so exhausted. I trowelled more makeup on and to my utter shame looking back, I necked three cans of red bull, oral morphine and vodka to try and keep me going for the second half. I am ashamed, but this blog of my soul journey has to be my truth, whether it is pretty or ugly.
It was at that point that I knew I had to surrender. It was over.
‘Enough Nicky, no more’ I said to myself.
I then walked up onto the stage, fake smile plastered onto my face, when all I wanted to do was collapse onto the floor and cry my heart out.
How I got through that night I will never know. My grandad Fred came in the second half to help me. When I got home I realised that there was to be no more public appearances and demonstrations. This was another thing I had to grieve as I cancelled everything and cut my work phone off. As far as I was concerned my career was over and the stupid dream I had had about the Earth Walkers was just that, a far away dream that would never come to any fruition.
BACK TO BLACK
I was back in my dark, claustrophobic pit and this time, I didn’t want to get out of it. I wanted to rot away. I wanted to starve my soul, mind and body until I was no good for this earth and would be taken back home.
Every night I begged God to take me back home as I couldn’t do my Earth experience any more. Suicide was like a morbid fantasy weaving its way through my consciousness at any given moment. But every time I looked at my little babies eyes staring at me I couldn’t imagine abandoning them like life had abandoned me, so I just sat in the fantasy of death hoping that the decision would be made for me.
I was also putting on weight. With no exercise and a diet of biscuits and cake, each gained pound corroborated my abhorrent view of myself. The lion told me I would never be attractive again, nobody would ever want me and that I was to be alone forever. The downward spiral was on full throttle and I had no intention of slamming on the brakes.
One night as usual I was awake, the insomnia was horrific. I slept for days then was awake for weeks with no respite.
I heard a female voice which sounded like singing. Despite me living in a cemetery it was not haunted at all. It was 3.33 in the morning when my phone turned itself on and started playing music, angel meditation music.
Angel number 333. I then heard a low rumbling and knew that something was about to happen.
Julianus then said,
‘We have provided this dwelling as a sanctuary. It will be protective, it will be completely for your healing. It is your castle and we will ward off anything that will bring harm’
I then saw in my minds eye a huge Seraphim growing bigger and bigger and folding her colossal black wings around the house.
Seraphim are one of the oldest, highest forms of the angel hierarchy. They are God’s warriors. ( I had learned this in my dream for Earth Walkers) They were creating a bubble for me to reside in to heal, whilst obviously the soul boot camp exploded to a higher more intense level.
I then saw a shimmering light on my landing and Catherine, my guide of prophecy and Khan stood smiling at me with such a look of humility that I started to cry.
I whispered, ‘Please help me!’
The only reply that I received was, ‘Help yourself and we shall carry you through the journey’
I didn’t want to hear this, I wanted a magical miracle to transport me to a proper life free of ill health. But we never get what we want, we can only achieve our goals through hard work and introspection.
I thought I had had a hard life, but this was just the beginning.
I was to be put though the mill, squeezed through the wrangle until every single thing that held darkness was wrung out of me drip by agonising drip.
The first lesson was dealing with my abuse as a child and teenager. The horrors of my past that had been locked away, were now being reopened and put right in front of my face.
Believe me when I say, they refused to leave until I lived through every single experience they gave me, the only option was to engage with them or allow their misery to haunt me…..