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My next obstacles in my life that were making me stress every day were the work commitments that I felt too weak to cancel, I was too scared to face the back lash. I was so worried about upsetting people. With this condition your ability to cope with the most smallest problems is non existent. I can only describe it as a blank spot. As soon as anything gets too much you get an adrenaline rush and you just want to fly not fight and your mind goes completely numb, like a flatline. Bearing in mind I used to be a strong minded police officer who could cope with any dramatic situation, this particular part of the illness was as if an alien had deposited itself in my brain and had sucked dry my coping mechanism. I couldn’t even cope with answering the phone or opening a letter.
I had a weekend retreat booked and evenings of mediumship in Grays and Dartford. They were both sold out, I couldn’t let the audience down or the centres. How the hell was I going to carry this out when I couldn’t even last a day without sleeping? I couldn’t think straight and was in massive pain despite the Morphine, Tramadol, Codeine and god knows what other opiates the doctors were shoving down my throat. I was drinking cans of red bull to keep me up, countless cans. My new alien brain had also changed my tastes, I could no longer stand tea and craved sweet things and coffee BIG TIME.
I started to get nightmares all of the time, of standing in front of audiences and them booing me. It was horror every time I went to sleep. Stress then causes other symptoms so I ended up with urinary problems, gynae problems, incontinence, skull shattering headaches, severe depression and extreme pain that made you want to die just to end the suffering.
I was desperate to hold on to my magical dream of the book, but in the darkest times, it was a distant unrealistic dream.
I ended up in hospital which was brutal as I attended alone and felt so desolate and unloved.
I saw family members kissing their loved ones and visiting and it just made me feel worse.
When I look back at this time I could kick myself rather sharply in the derrière as all I had to do was cancel all of the work. But I didn’t have the strength or self love that I have now.
I suffer NOTHING from anyone anymore and speak my truth. It is their problem how they react to my truth. Everyone take a lesson from that. Own your illness, own your boundaries and refuse to be amongst negative people or people that make you feel devalued. It’s like an insipid cancer, it will eat away at your already frail state! Get rid of negative people and situations!
The retreat was in June of that year 2014 and as each day passed I prayed for a miracle, it was like a count down to the guillotine. I was so scared, I was going to let down all these beautiful people who had paid to come and learn from me. The hospital visit and operation had solved a few problems so at least that was sorted.
Every time I tried to reach Julianus I heard silence and found my brain would not allow the focus I needed to reach that loving alpha brain wave state.
Then something miraculous happened.
About a week before the dreaded date of the retreat, I woke up and actually felt a little energy. My pain was still there in every joint and limb but it was manageable. Our pain equation I’m sure is so extreme to other healthy people. Our ‘good’ pain day is most probably for healthy people a worry that would send them scurrying to the doctors.
So I started to get up and about, I even managed short walks with my babies. It was amazing.
As I was walking along Berry head in Devon one day, Julianus came through sure and clear .
‘This is your last chance to reach humans, use it wisely’
They had given me strength to get through the work, I just knew it, but I felt the warning I was not to abuse it. But did I listen? No I didn’t, I made yet another one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
The retreat was at the Seekers Trust in Kent. I was left there alone with no help which really, really angered me. I was supposed to have people helping me, but I was left to cope 24/7 with all of my students. But then the next miracle came, a lot of the students suffered with the same condition as me and were so understanding. It was magical, they were beautiful people who helped me out tremendously and we all muddled together. To say it was a stunning experience is an understatement!
So after a successful retreat, the shows were next.
Dartford, The Light on The Hill spiritualist centre with Trevor and Pat was my most favourite place to work, I adored it and the audience were always fantastic. Again I was amazed at the fact I had strength and energy to work, but stupidly I took it for granted.
There was a queue running down the road in Dartford that night, despite it being sold out, people turned up on the off chance of getting in, they were shoving people in like sardines in a small can. I was gobsmacked, I had done hardly any work but here they were, all of these beautiful souls supporting my work. The demonstration went wonderfully, I honestly thought I was back as the pure energy of the spirit people soared through my being, but it was a false prophecy. The lion part of my soul was roaring.
I managed the Grays dem as well and felt so well that I arranged to record my second guided meditation CD in London, MEETING YOUR GUIDES with the help of my ever supporting friend Mark. I thought it would be a great way of helping people as well as some much needed funds.
I then in my new found energy booked a course to teach developing mediums back in Devon and a show there as well. I was feeling great, feeling invincible and able to take the reins from where I had left them, whack the rumps and gallop onwards.
I was staying with my oldest friend Jo in Essex and we were having such fun, I was on a cloud of oblivion.
I then met Jay. We had everything in common. He was handsome, funny, kind and very spiritual and after my work we spent a wonderful summer exploring Devon and Cornwall. Thoughts of bed bound misery and pain were like a fleeting cloud in a gale force wind. Don’t get me wrong I was still in pain and slept when I could but NOTHING like I was before.
Jay and I became close friends but not in a romantic way so I kept asking why he was in my life as I had friends already.
I was still homeless. Still staying at friends homes, I had my mobile home repossessed in Devon as the caravan site managers were monsters and wouldn’t help me at all. But even though it hurt deeply, I seemed to cope with it.
MY FIRST HOME
In Devon I used to pass this old cottage on the grounds of Kingswear cemetery. I adored it and used to joke saying it was my house.
Well one night my nan came into the bedroom from spirit and said ‘Go on that house thing’ I then saw a vision of Rightmove. As I was still suffering with insomnia and restless leg syndrome I thought ‘why not, it will fill the hours’. The first picture was the cottage at the Cemetery to rent, I couldn’t believe it.
Don’t ask me why I asked to view it as I didn’t have a penny to my name and couldn’t get a deposit together, but I went along with it as almost a fantasy. I was staying with my friend Janet back in Devon then. I fell in love with this old crumbling cottage but had no money and no hope of renting it.
Then I thought of Jay. Without even blinking he agreed to lend me the money for the deposit and the first five months rent! I had only known him a little while, anyone else I wouldn’t even have contemplated asking.
He said to me as I was moving in out of the blue, ‘Your dad sent me here. To give you a home and help you‘ as if he was talking about the weather!
I froze and thought about it. It hit me like a lightening bolt, ‘My God, he’s an Earth angel, he has been sent to help me!’
In fact without his input over the next couple of months I would still be homeless and in despair.
Earth angels are humans that have such a high resonance in their energy that they can bring messages from the Divine without realising it. They are also sent to people to help guide them and walk with them on their path. Most of them don’t have a clue that they are one. They can be in our lives for five minutes, five weeks or for our whole lifetime. A great example of this is addressed in the book ‘The Celestine Prophecies‘.
Before we incarnate we create a blue print of our life map that we want to experience on Earth. When we need certain souls to come back into our lives, we mark them on our ‘map’ and they appear. You will, normally, if they are to walk your path feel an inexplicable draw to them, whether they are male or female. They usually are part of your soul cluster which I will explain in another post.
ANGELS WITH GLORIA HUNNIFORD
When I was asked to do ANGELS with Gloria Hunniford for Sky, I was in two minds. I could be made to look an idiot or it could help reach people.
I was in Sainsburys at the veg aisle and this old lady shuffled up to me and said, ‘You are so good at what you do, so go and do it!’
I stood there transfixed. She then walked away as if she had never said a word to me. That night in the bath a feather fell onto my shoulder I watched it fall from the ceiling! I knew it was the right thing to do, so I agreed.
Typical example of a brief Earth angel ‘shove’ message as I call them.
Look out for them, they are everywhere. They may be in your life already.
So, earth angel in tow in the form of Jay, I looked forward to my new home.
This was November 7th 2014, again I failed to see the significance of this spiritual date.
Little did I know that my life was going to shatter into little pieces yet again and the next phase of boot camp was to take me to my limits, beyond anything I could imagine.