FOCUS, HEAL, FIGHT AND WRITE
So I thought that I had done well getting through the abuse nightmares, but obviously not. Another exceptionally scary part of ME/ Fibro are the severe mood swings. You have absolutely NO control over your emotions whatsoever. For instance, yesterday I actually managed to get out and get myself dressed, all be it very slowly! I sat by the most breath taking view of the river Parrett, looking out to contented cows munching on their delicious banquet of emerald green velvet, birdsong creating the most tantalising orchestra and countryside views that were simply stunning. I listened to the odd aquatic plop of a jumping Chub in the ever flowing river, feeling serene.
Anyone would have felt at peace and completely at one
with nature in this place. It is hard to understand from someone who doesn’t suffer from this condition, but even though part of me was adoring just sitting still taking in the environment, there was a dark melodic song miserably wailing somewhere within, alerting me to the fact that sadness and anxiety were happily swimming through my consciousness just like the fish in the river. You don’t feel depressed, you don’t have any reason to feel sad but your brain just decides that is what it is going to do for the day.
So going back to January 2015, I was experiencing the most volatile mood swings I could have ever imagined. The anxiety attacks were frightening and constant and to add to it I had a seriously ugly red blotched rash covering my hands and arms. They looked like sores, they were disgusting. So in the end I decided to make an appointment with my GP as the receptionist said the GP was too busy to come out to me and was it an emergency. My friend was supposed to take me but she was kept at work. I couldn’t afford a taxi so I decided rather stupidly to drive the two miles to the surgery in Brixham. I wished that I hadn’t even bothered.
I walked into the room and straight away I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop myself from wailing out every fear and worry. I explained about the debt people hounding me every day, the anxiety attacks, the fact that I thought I should be put in a psych ward as I couldn’t cope with the mood swings and about my non existent life coping with the pain and exhaustion.
This was the following conversation. As an ex police officer, I was so enraged I made original notes straight after!! lol
Dr sighs: Well I can give you some cream for the rash, but I have to say, you need to get a grip.
me: What do you mean?
Dr: Well it’s not as if you are disabled or anything, it’s not as if you have a broken limb
me: It’s not as if I’m disabled! (I repeat sarcastically)
Dr: Well no you managed to drive here, you are dressed and can carry that bag.
Me: I have my pyjama top on and a pair of jogging bottoms with no underwear, the bag is empty to carry my prescription and I had no choice but to drive. It took me two hours to get out of my bed to the car and I will now no doubt be in bed for days because of the effort it took to get here!
Dr: Well that’s just it, straight away you are putting yourself in a negative thought pattern by saying you will end up in bed
Me: (raising my voice) Well that’s because it’s fact, I have been going through this for three years!
Dr: Why didn’t you get a taxi if you are so ill?
Me: Because I couldn’t afford it. Have you been listening? Banks and debt collectors are calling and sending threatening letters every day. Sometimes I can’t even buy food as I am paying all the debt off!
Dr: Well why don’t you go back to work?
Me: Why don’t I go back to work, are you serious?
Dr: As I said it’s not as if you are disabled
Me: Of course I am! I can’t look after myself I lay in bed month after month laying in my own urine, eating shit and rotting away like a ninety year old! (Shouting at this point)
Dr: I am not arguing with you Nichola, don’t use that language with me
Me (crying my eyes out) I can’t believe this, I can’t believe my Dr is saying this to me
Dr: Well as I said I am not arguing with you, you need to start getting dressed every day and forcing yourself to get out
Me: Just give me my cream
I then tried my best to march out of the door, but wasn’t very effective at a snail pace hobble!
What a wonderful supportive doctor, stupid cow! It is the GP’s like this who make our lives a misery. What is it about this condition that there is such a lack of knowledge and understanding with some GP’s? I was hurt, exceptionally upset and my brain started to tell me that I was making it all up and a hypochondriac. If my GP wasn’t backing me up then who would? I stood crying as I got my cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist asked if I was ok, I just said, ‘I’m upset because my GP is disgusting!‘ Haha, what a thing to say.
So ladies and gents, my advice here is OWN IT! Do not allow your GP to judge you or dismiss your illness due to their ignorance, whatever your illness is. Complain about them if you are not happy. ME and Fibro are the most misunderstood and disregarded conditions in this country. I am so amazed by the lack of support and understanding. Speak out, we need to be heard! Now, I would have given her what for, but I was so emotionally and mentally weak back then. I just limped out of the surgery feeling even worse than I had before I went in. I let her words haunt me, so the following day I forced myself to walk around the cemetery, obviously this lead to more pain and exhaustion, so promptly stopped after day two!
The cream did absolutely nothing to remove the blotches, I assumed they were another part of the illness, so just allowed them to spread and stopped using the cream. I started using Lavendar and wheatgerm oil instead, smelled nice, but did nothing at all, at least it stopped the soreness! The rash disappeared about six months after as if it have never been there, but left some nasty scars. Weird one!
From that day I was on a roller coaster of emotion, it was torturous. One minute I was smiling listening to the birds, the next I was raging and wanted to kill the stupid cow who had smashed into me and caused all of this. I spoke to no one. Who wanted to hear my rantings?
But something weird happened, that jolted me into making efforts to snap out of the spiralling.
It was in the early hours of 23 Jan 2015. I was looking after my friends dog Zeus (bless you Zeus, hope you are enjoying the rainbow bridge x) He was a very placid dog and very quiet. But he woke me up by suddenly growling and barking.
I looked at the clock and it was 3.33. I couldn’t understand what he was barking at, he stood at my bedroom door barking at an invisible space on the landing. I was terrified as I thought there may be a burglar. Then there was the most almighty crash. It sounded like my front door had been kicked in. My two little dogs then woke up and started barking as well. It was complete chaos. I grabbed the phone and started to dial 999 as I was convinced I was getting broken into. Visions of being faced with an intruder started to flash through my mind. My whole body started shaking as I looked around for a weapon. My ears were straining to hear where the intruders were in the house.
DREAM OR CELESTIAL?
But then as if I had dreamt it, Zeus sat down and stopped barking. My two babies, stopped aswell and laid down promptly going back to sleep. My heart was pounding, it was like there was a huge drum banging through my ears. I was breathing frantically and still straining to hear for sound. Zeus, then literally fell asleep, snoring his head off!
I listened for a little longer, finger hovering over the last 9 on my phone. But there was nothing, complete silence.
Now, you know when you watch a scary film and the victim walks into the darkness and you wait for the high violin stringed music to signal their impending death? Yeah well that was me. You would ordinarily scream, ‘Don’t go down there!’ But I put the phone in my pocket and shaking like a nutter, holding a back scratcher (Come on! I could find no other weapon!) I furtively walked onto the landing stepping over the snoring Rotweiler, that should have been alert and guarding my back! I stood on that landing for an eternity, sweat was running down my back as I was in my mind waiting for the violin music! Haha. My back started to scream out in pain, so it was either return to my bed or hobble down the stairs. I bravely or stupidly chose the latter. I walked around the dark house and found nothing to explain the huge smash. Everything was in order. Nothing was out of place. As I sat on the settee looking out to the cemetery it hit me like a thunderbolt.
It was the 23 January, exactly THREE years to the day that I had had my road accident. I then remembered the time this incident had started 3.33. I then tingled from head to toe. I had been given a sign. They were still with me, I was convinced. They were making their presence known. They were bringing to my attention that I wasn’t going through this hell alone. I WASN’T ALONE!
I smiled as I looked out onto all of the silvery graves animated by the clouds flurrying before the moon. It looked as if the shadows were dancing, celebrating, living.
‘I need to carry on fighting‘ I said out loud.
‘I need to dance and celebrate in my mind even if I can’t do it physically‘
A new resolve started to snake through me. This bitch wasn’t going to beat me.
I then laughed as I put a vision in my mind of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.
‘GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!’ Yes get away from me, you filthy condition. I heaved a huge sigh, said thank you to the angels, but they must have felt my niggling doubt that the smash and the time of the incident was a coincidence, because, like the alien, they kept on coming.
Every night from that night on, call it coincidence or not I was woken at 3.33. I, as an open minded sceptic just assumed it was a natural occurrence, my brain registering that time every night to wake up. Up above must have heard my mutinous thoughts!
On Fri 13 Feb, I woke up to go to the toilet. As I was in the bathroom, I heard voices and thought, ‘What now?’ I went upstairs and the television had turned itself on. The remote was on the distant bed side cabinet. So I hadn’t leaned on it by accident or anything. I noted the time as 3.36 so I must have woken again at 3.33. Amazingly the channel number was 369 and had stayed displayed on the screen in the top left hand corner, which ordinarily it doesn’t. It was the Vintage Channel which I don’t really watch and certainly was not watching the previous evening.
369, Angel numbers. I then heard a voice say Raguel.
Now I had never heard of this name before, so of course, I googled it:
To my absolute delight, it was a name of an Archangel. I smiled as I read what he was responsible for.
Archangel Raguel working on the light blue ray is the Archangel of justice, harmony, peace, miracles and love. He brings end to injustice, people and relationships from the past.
So was he here to balance the karma? Was that why I had had the dreams about my past abuse? Was he here to heal me of my past hurts and friends who had turned their backs on me? Was I going to get compensation for my life altering injury? Would I ever get a home again? Would the debt be dealt with? I looked around my bedroom, everything I had in there was pale blue and teal, colours I never usually was attracted to. I had surrounded myself with his colour without even realising it. I spoke out loud, ‘Archangel Raphael, I give you permission to enter my life and my soul and help me to heal from the injustice and hurt that has been brought upon me, I thank you for coming to me.’ That’s all you need to say really, when you invoke an angel.
MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD. OVER.
I then excitedly googled 369:
Angel number 369 is a message from your angels to continue forth upon your life purpose and soul mission, safe in the knowledge that your material wants and needs will be met as needed. Your lightworking duties to serve and help humanity are important and you are being encouraged to put extra focus on your spiritual path and purpose. Devote yourself to your soul mission without delay.
Your positive affirmations about your spiritual path and purpose have been heard and you are being responded to by the angels and those in higher realms. Listen to your intuition and take action as guided.
Give any fears of monetary issues to the angels and get on with pursuing your purpose. The angels, archangels and ascended masters fully support you and will ensure that your material wants and needs are met as you carry on your lightwork.
Research, study, schooling, education and learning will enhance and help your life purpose, personal growth and development at this time. The angels will guide and help your need to learn and grow.
I then remembered with shocking clarity the angel necklace that I had found in a packing box the day before.
It was blue satin, with a light blue angel pendant on it. I never remembered buying it or receiving it as a gift and as I touched it around my neck, I realised that it was the colour of Archangel Raguel. I then had a clear abrupt vision of my book. The front cover was a picture of the Earth and human shadows in front of the Earth that depicted the Earth Walkers.
My destiny was to write and learn a new trade, I realised that now. Write the direct word channeled from The Omnipresence and the angel realms. My goal was clear.
After that magical night, a shift had taken place. I let the phone ring on and on as I recognised the debt collectors numbers, smiling knowing that when the time was right, I would take them on and the banks with strength. I just knew that it would be dealt with when it needed to be. It no longer haunted me. Justice would be done, I would be helped out materially, so all I had to do was focus, heal, fight and write. I knew without any reservation that I was definitely being carried in the love and safety of the angel realms.
That night I slept like a baby. They had finally reached me and had stopped the fear that had been eating away at my insides daily. They were patient, but insistent and finally after all of their efforts, I was getting the message.
I felt truly blessed x