ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 10

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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 10

 

FOCUS, HEAL, FIGHT AND WRITE

So I thought that I had done well getting through the abuse nightmares, but obviously not.  Another exceptionally scary part of ME/ Fibro are the severe mood swings.  You have absolutely NO control over your emotions whatsoever.  For instance, yesterday I actually managed to get out and get myself dressed, all be it very slowly!  I sat by the most breath taking view of the river Parrett, looking out to contented cows munching on their delicious banquet of emerald green velvet, birdsong creating the most tantalising orchestra and countryside views that were simply stunning. I listened to the odd aquatic plop of a jumping Chub in the ever flowing river, feeling serene.

Anyone would have felt at peace and completely at one

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

with nature in this place.  It is hard to understand from someone who doesn’t suffer from this condition, but even though part of me was adoring just sitting still taking in the environment, there was a dark melodic song miserably wailing somewhere within, alerting me to the fact that sadness and anxiety were happily swimming through my consciousness just like the fish in the river.  You don’t feel depressed, you don’t have any reason to feel sad but your brain just decides that is what it is going to do for the day.

DOCTOR VISIT

So going back to January 2015, I was experiencing the most volatile mood swings I could have ever imagined.  The anxiety attacks were frightening and constant and to add to it I had a seriously ugly red blotched rash covering my hands and arms.  They looked like sores, they were disgusting.  So in the end I decided to make an appointment with my GP as the receptionist said the GP was too busy to come out to me and was it an emergency.  My friend was supposed to take me but she was kept at work.  I couldn’t afford a taxi so I decided rather stupidly to drive the two miles to the surgery in Brixham.  I wished that I hadn’t even bothered.

I walked into the room and straight away I burst into tears.  I couldn’t stop myself from wailing out every fear and worry.  I explained about the debt people hounding me every day, the anxiety attacks, the fact that I thought I should be put in a psych ward as I couldn’t cope with the mood swings and about my non existent life coping with the pain and exhaustion.

This was the following conversation.  As an ex police officer, I was so enraged I made original notes straight after!! lol

Dr sighs: Well I can give you some cream for the rash, but I have to say, you need to get a grip.

me: What do you mean?

Dr: Well it’s not as if you are disabled or anything, it’s not as if you have a broken limb

me: It’s not as if I’m disabled! (I repeat sarcastically)

Dr: Well no you managed to drive here, you are dressed and can carry that bag.

Me: I have my pyjama top on and a pair of jogging bottoms with no underwear, the bag is empty to carry my prescription and I had no choice but to drive.  It took me two hours to get out of my bed to the car and I will now no doubt be in bed for days because of the effort it took to get here!

Dr: Well that’s just it, straight away you are putting yourself in a negative thought pattern by saying you will end up in bed

Me: (raising my voice) Well that’s because it’s fact, I have been going through this for three years!

Dr: Why didn’t you get a taxi if you are so ill?

Me: Because I couldn’t afford it. Have you been listening?  Banks and debt collectors are calling and sending threatening letters every day.  Sometimes I can’t even buy food as I am paying all the debt off!

Dr: Well why don’t you go back to work?

Me: Why don’t I go back to work, are you serious?

Dr: As I said it’s not as if you are disabled

Me: Of course I am! I can’t look after myself I lay in bed month after month laying in my own urine, eating shit and rotting away like a ninety year old! (Shouting at this point)

Dr: I am not arguing with you Nichola, don’t use that language with me

Me (crying my eyes out) I can’t believe this, I can’t believe my Dr is saying this to me

Dr: Well as I said I am not arguing with you, you need to start getting dressed every day and forcing yourself to get out

Me: Just give me my cream

I then tried my best to march out of the door, but wasn’t very effective at a snail pace hobble!

What a wonderful supportive doctor, stupid cow!  It is the GP’s like this who make our lives a misery.  What is it about this condition that there is such a lack of knowledge and understanding with some GP’s?  I was hurt, exceptionally upset and my brain started to tell me that I was making it all up and a hypochondriac. If my GP wasn’t backing me up then who would? I stood crying as I got my cream at the pharmacy.  The pharmacist asked if I was ok, I just said, ‘I’m upset because my GP is disgusting!‘  Haha, what a thing to say.

So ladies and gents, my advice here is OWN IT!  Do not allow your GP to judge you or dismiss your illness due to their ignorance, whatever your illness is.  Complain about them if you are not happy.  ME and Fibro are the most misunderstood and disregarded conditions in this country.  I am so amazed by the lack of support and understanding. Speak out, we need to be heard!  Now, I would have given her what for, but I was so emotionally and mentally weak back then.  I just limped out of the surgery feeling even worse than I had before I went in.  I let her words haunt me, so the following day I forced myself to walk around the cemetery, obviously this lead to more pain and exhaustion, so promptly stopped after day two!

Own it!

Own it!

The cream did absolutely nothing to remove the blotches, I assumed they were another part of the illness, so just allowed them to spread and stopped using the cream.  I started using Lavendar and wheatgerm oil instead, smelled nice, but did nothing at all, at least it stopped the soreness!  The rash disappeared about six months after as if it have never been there, but left some nasty scars. Weird one!

SPIRALLING DOWN

From that day I was on a roller coaster of emotion, it was torturous.  One minute I was smiling listening to the birds, the next I was raging and wanted to kill the stupid cow who had smashed into me and caused all of this.  I spoke to no one.  Who wanted to hear my rantings?

But something weird happened, that jolted me into making efforts to snap out of the spiralling.

It was in the early hours of 23 Jan 2015.  I was looking after my friends dog Zeus (bless you Zeus, hope you are enjoying the rainbow bridge x) He was a very placid dog and very quiet.  But he woke me up by suddenly growling and barking.

I looked at the clock and it was 3.33.  I couldn’t understand what he was barking at, he stood at my bedroom door barking at an invisible space on the landing.  I was terrified as I thought there may be a burglar.  Then there was the most almighty crash.  It sounded like my front door had been kicked in.  My two little dogs then woke up and started barking as well.  It was complete chaos.  I grabbed the phone and started to dial 999 as I was convinced I was getting broken into.  Visions of being faced with an intruder started to flash through my mind.  My whole body started shaking as I looked around for a weapon. My ears were straining to hear where the intruders were in the house.

DREAM OR CELESTIAL?

But then as if I had dreamt it, Zeus sat down and stopped barking.  My two babies, stopped aswell and laid down promptly going back to sleep.  My heart was pounding, it was like there was a huge drum banging through my ears.  I was breathing frantically and still straining to hear for sound.  Zeus, then literally fell asleep, snoring his head off!

I listened for a little longer, finger hovering over the last 9 on my phone.  But there was nothing, complete silence.

Don't go down there!

Don’t go down there!

Now, you know when you watch a scary film and the victim walks into the darkness and you wait for the high violin stringed music to signal their impending death?  Yeah well that was me.  You would ordinarily scream, ‘Don’t go down there!’ But I put the phone in my pocket and shaking like a nutter, holding a back scratcher (Come on!  I could find no other weapon!) I furtively walked onto the landing stepping over the snoring Rotweiler, that should have been alert and guarding my back!  I stood on that landing for an eternity, sweat was running down my back as I was in my mind waiting for the violin music! Haha.  My back started to scream out in pain, so it was either return to my bed or hobble down the stairs.  I bravely or stupidly chose the latter.  I walked around the dark house and found nothing to explain the huge smash.  Everything was in order.  Nothing was out of place.  As I sat on the settee looking out to the cemetery it hit me like a thunderbolt.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

It was the 23 January, exactly THREE years to the day that I had had my road accident. I then remembered the time this incident had started 3.33.  I then tingled from head to toe.  I had been given a sign.  They were still with me, I was convinced.  They were making their presence known.  They were bringing to my attention that I wasn’t going through this hell alone.  I WASN’T ALONE!

I smiled as I looked out onto all of the silvery graves animated by the clouds flurrying before the moon.  It looked as if the shadows were dancing, celebrating, living.

I need to carry on fighting‘  I said out loud.

‘I need to dance and celebrate in my mind even if I can’t do it physically

A new resolve started to snake through me.  This bitch wasn’t going to beat me.

I then laughed as I put a vision in my mind of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!’ Yes get away from me, you filthy condition.  I heaved a huge sigh, said thank you to the angels, but they must have felt my niggling doubt that the smash and the time of the incident was a coincidence, because, like the alien, they kept on coming.

 

ANGELS

Every night from that night on, call it coincidence or not I was woken at 3.33.  I, as an open minded sceptic just assumed it was a natural occurrence, my brain registering that time every night to wake up.  Up above must have heard my mutinous thoughts!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won't load the proper way up? Weirdy!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won’t load the proper way up? Weirdy!

On Fri 13 Feb, I woke up to go to the toilet.  As I was in the bathroom, I heard voices and thought, ‘What now?’ I went upstairs and the television had turned itself on.  The remote was on the distant bed side cabinet. So I hadn’t leaned on it by accident or anything. I noted the time as 3.36 so I must have woken again at 3.33.  Amazingly the channel number was 369 and had stayed displayed on the screen in the top left hand corner, which ordinarily it doesn’t.  It was the Vintage Channel which I don’t really watch and certainly was not watching the previous evening.

369, Angel numbers.  I then heard a voice say Raguel.

My wing man

My wing man

Now I had never heard of this name before, so of course, I googled it:

To my absolute delight, it was a name of an Archangel.  I smiled as I read what he was responsible for.

Archangel Raguel working on the light blue ray is the Archangel of justice, harmony, peace, miracles and love.  He brings end to injustice, people and relationships from the past.

So was he here to balance the karma? Was that why I had had the dreams about my past abuse?  Was he here to heal me of my past hurts and friends who had turned their backs on me?  Was I going to get compensation for my life altering injury? Would I ever get a home again? Would the debt be dealt with? I looked around my bedroom, everything I had in there was pale blue and teal, colours I never usually was attracted to.  I had surrounded myself with his colour without even realising it.  I spoke out loud, ‘Archangel Raphael, I give you permission to enter my life and my soul and help me to heal from the injustice and hurt that has been brought upon me, I thank you for coming to me.’  That’s all you need to say really, when you invoke an angel.

MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD. OVER.

I then excitedly googled 369:

Angel number 369 is a message from your angels to continue forth upon your life purpose and soul mission, safe in the knowledge that your material wants and needs will be met as needed.  Your lightworking duties to serve and help humanity are important and you are being encouraged to put extra focus on your spiritual path and purpose.  Devote yourself to your soul mission without delay.

Your positive affirmations about your spiritual path and purpose have been heard and you are being responded to by the angels and those in higher realms.  Listen to your intuition and take action as guided.

Give any fears of monetary issues to the angels and get on with pursuing your purpose.  The angels, archangels and ascended masters fully support you and will ensure that your material wants and needs are met as you carry on your lightwork.

Research, study, schooling, education and learning will enhance and help your life purpose, personal growth and development at this time.  The angels will guide and help your need to learn and grow.

I then remembered with shocking clarity the angel necklace that I had found in a packing box the day before.

It was blue satin, with a light blue angel pendant on it.  I never remembered buying it or receiving it as a gift and as I touched it around my neck, I realised that it was the colour of Archangel Raguel. I then had a clear abrupt vision of my book.  The front cover was a picture of the Earth and human shadows in front of the Earth that depicted the Earth Walkers.

My destiny was to write and learn a new trade, I realised that now.  Write the direct word channeled from The Omnipresence and the angel realms.  My goal was clear.

After that magical night, a shift had taken place.  I let the phone ring on and on as I recognised the debt collectors numbers, smiling knowing that when the time was right, I would take them on and the banks with strength.  I just knew that it would be dealt with when it needed to be. It no longer haunted me. Justice would be done, I would be helped out materially, so all I had to do was focus, heal, fight and write.  I knew without any reservation that I was definitely being carried in the love and safety of the angel realms.

That night I slept like a baby.  They had finally reached me and had stopped the fear that had been eating away at my insides daily.  They were patient, but insistent and finally after all of their efforts, I was getting the message.

I felt truly blessed x

 

 


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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 8

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

Hi everyone,

It’s great to see that people are commenting on the blogs themselves. I would love a community to build up here so we can help each other and discuss my blogs.  So please don’t be shy, add your thoughts!

So where were we?

MY NEW HOME

Yes, I had just moved into my cottage in Kingswear Cemetery. It is a solitary cottage completely surrounded by forestry and of course graves! I had no neighbours, nothing but nature.  I was so relived that after 8 months I finally had my own space and a place to call home.  I had never rented a house in my life so was feeling a little vulnerable but grateful. Jay had stayed for a couple of days so that I settled in.  I was then alone. I woke up and went downstairs and looked at all the moving boxes around me feeling a little intimated  with the mammoth task ahead. A lot of my stuff had been in storage and was full of mould. It was what I had clawed together before I had said goodbye to my house in Essex that I adored.

THE CRASH 7 NOV 2014

I stood looking out to the cemetery, it then hit me. It felt like my life force where the last morsels of sand running out in an hour glass had dropped their last grain.  I then literally felt every single bit of energy seep from my body. I started to shake and get heart palpitations, feeling dizzy I stumbled to the settee fighting for breath clutching my chest. I laid down panicking, no this wasn’t happening, I had been free to get around all summer, this just couldn’t be happening. The snarling beast of ME sauntered towards me it’s gnarled fingers reaching out to claim it’s prize. I was now about to pay for all of my activity throughout the summer.  The pain started to snake through my body until each breath felt like I was breathing in shards of glass. As tears stung my eyes I fell into a dreamless sleep, the only option, submission.

I woke up and it was dark.

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

I could hardly move and guiltily looked at two pairs of staring eyes. My dogs needed feeding, so I staggered to the kitchen every limb shaking from the effort and fed them. I had a glass of water then went straight to my bed and woke up again the following afternoon.

The sheets were drenched. Another symptom, excessive sweating, I was far too weak to change the sheets so I just chucked a towel over the soaked stinking mess.

My body was trembling so violently that I was terrified.   It took a little while to realise that I had no bladder control so I stuffed a towel around my bottom aswell.

I could hear a low growling moan, it took a few minutes to realise it was coming from me.

I realised that I had unleashed my lion over the last few months and had brought myself into the worst ME crash ever.

I thought that I had been through the worst.

How wrong was I.

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

This would be an opportune time to explain the LION and the MOUSE.

I was doing a trance demonstration once and as ever the exuberant Julianus came to the fore.  He was asked a question about what is the human soul and how is it different from our spirit.

This was his answer.

‘The spirit Is our essence. It reflects the colours and light that we perpetually carry and beam out. We exist in the ever moving ebb and flow of the universe. It is our identifying light amongst all the others that live within every living thing.

Your soul is your story, consciousness and core of intelligence.

When you incarnate onto the earth you need to cope with it’s heavy resonance and that of other humans.

It is like when Nichola dives. She needs equipment to manage the different atmosphere. The lower part of your soul that covers the heart chakra to the base chakra is the necessary equipment to help mange your material life. It reflects the same energy vibration of Earth life.  The higher part of the soul is your light connection to us and the universe. From your heart to your crown chakra.

For human purposes the higher part of the soul we shall call the ‘mouse.’  The tiny voice that feeds us all we need from the universe to live a spiritually connected life as a human.

The lower part we shall call the ‘lion.’ It roars with ego and human emotion and threatens the mouse’s tiny voice if you let it. The trick is to allow both mouse and lion to live in harmony. Once the lion roars too loudly for too long, the mouse is frightened, voiceless and becomes lost in the human experience.

How very simple!  So my lion roared all through summer, I MUST WORK, I MUST RECORD A CD, I MUST BOOK A NEW COURSE, I MUST BOOK SHOWS. My poor little mouse was trying to shriek above the roars to warn me of my frailty but I refused to shut the lion up.

You always know when you have gone wrong as nothing flows. Let this be my wisdom to you, if you keep trying something and it repeatedly fails and nothing flows from it, CHANGE DIRECTION.  When it is right, it will flow with everything dropped in front of you with no effort at all.

My CD hardly sold as I wasn’t able to get out there and promote it.  I was mortified, my friend Mark had arranged the production and recording facilities and it had failed. It was the first ever failure in my career, I was so embarassed,  the Universe was not allowing it to flow AT ALL.  I felt no one was interested in my work anymore, I was nothing, an old urban legend of a once good medium.  I should never had abused my energy to get it done.  The lion wanted to get it out there to help people, keep me in the loop as a medium and of course the funds were to help me survive as I was hardly working. The mouse was obviously trying to tell me to rest, take time out and heal. I remembered Julianus’ words when I was on Berry head, ‘last chance, don’t abuse it.’

Jay phoned to ask how I was, he was one of the very few I would pick the phone up to. I cried, I moaned, I screamed. He just listened but then he said something was niggling him, he was preoccupied all the time with the fact I had heard nothing from the solicitor who was representing me for the accident. Materially I was hanging in there for a payout. Without that I was truly in dire straits.

Jay kept on insisting that I phoned up to check what was going on. In the end just to shut him up, I emailed.

THE SHAME OF THE COURT SYSTEM

Long story short, the solicitor had done absolutely nothing with my case. It had sat in a pile as it was deemed a ‘complex case’ and obviously he didn’t want to deal with it. In three months time I would lose the chance to make a claim on the accident. I tried to complain through the ombudsman but they, all as most corporations do, close ranks.

When it dawned on me that I might not get any compensation at all, that’s when the anxiety attacks really kicked in. I would lay their wild eyed gasping for breath thinking I was having a heart attack. Thinking back on this time I feel quite nauseous remembering it. I was in my worst hell.  I hung on to the fact that I could use the money for care, a cleaner, private treatment and potentially my own home again. The desolation hit me every minute.  I felt doomed to the core.

Now just changing the subject a little, I have names that hold a particular energy.

David is a massively important name and men with this name have always represented help to me, it is also the code name my dad uses when he visits me from the spirit world as it was his best friends name.

Mark is another one. Mark’s in my life  are always there supporting in the background and want nothing in return.

So the next day when I saw the name Mark at a local solicitors firm I called him.

I don’t know how he understood my story as I was hysterically crying and reeling out my predicament about my solicitor failing me. I asked if he could help.

I will never forget his words,

‘Nicky ordinarily I never take on a case from another solicitor, but after hearing your story and how you have been so desperately let down, I’m taking this on, but I can’t promise you anything’

I felt so relieved.  Mark applied for an extension and registered the accident with the court, he was amazing, but this is what really angers me.  The law and the courts recognise ME and Fibromyalgia as a ‘malingerers’ disease. Not real. They also will not accept that road accidents can create this condition. So every knock and bang in my medical history was put down to this condition  going to happen anyway. The fact I was bed bound and in agony directly after the impact was not relevant at all.

Mark had only a few months to get all of the evidence together which wasn’t long enough. I was going to lose out big time. It also wasn’t relevant that I had lost my career, my two homes and my whole life. You can’t claim for that. So these people that sue in America for being upset over a news report seemed more important than my accident that wasn’t my fault, my illness and my non existent life. It made me want to puke.

Oh how the Lion roared. I felt hard done by, an enormous sense of injustice and a vitriolic anger that lived within me for the foreseeable future.  I also went back to self hate, as I had obviously deserved all of this misery.

The lion despite everything, still made me grip determinedly to my career, I wasn’t going to lose it, so I stupidly decided I would do a show on the 17 December at Lupton.

THE FINALE OF MY CAREER

Dragging myself through

Dragging myself through

The show had the lowest energy I have ever worked with in my life. I struggled with every link in the first half, the spirit people were walking all over me, jumping in and out whenever they pleased, jumbling all of the messages up and confusing me.  I was too weak to control them. When the first half ended the relief was tangible.  I went into the back room during half time and as I made my way to the settee my legs gave out from under me. I was trembling and felt like I was going to vomit, I couldn’t stop crying and felt so exhausted. I trowelled more makeup on and to my utter shame looking back, I necked three cans of red bull, oral morphine and vodka to try and keep me going for the second half. I am ashamed, but this blog of my soul journey has to be my truth, whether it is pretty or ugly.

It was at that point that I knew I had to surrender. It was over.

‘Enough Nicky, no more’ I said to myself.

I then walked up onto the stage, fake smile plastered onto my face, when all I wanted to do was collapse onto the floor and cry my heart out.

How I got through that night I will never know.  My grandad Fred came in the second half to help me.  When I got home I realised that there was to be no more public appearances and demonstrations. This was another thing I had to grieve as I cancelled everything and cut my work phone off.  As far as I was concerned my career was over and the stupid dream I had had about the Earth Walkers was just that, a far away dream that would never come to any fruition.

BACK TO BLACK

I was back in my dark, claustrophobic pit and this time, I didn’t want to get out of it. I wanted to rot away.  I wanted to starve my soul, mind and body until I was no good for this earth and would be taken back home.

Every night I begged God to take me back home as  I couldn’t do my Earth experience any more.  Suicide was like a morbid fantasy weaving its way through my consciousness at any given moment. But every time I looked at my little babies eyes staring at me I couldn’t imagine abandoning them like life had abandoned me, so I just sat in the fantasy of death hoping that the decision would be made for me.

I was also putting on weight. With no exercise and a diet of biscuits and cake, each gained pound corroborated my abhorrent view of myself. The lion told me I would never be attractive again, nobody would ever want me and that I was to be alone forever. The downward spiral was on full throttle and I had no intention of slamming on the brakes.

THE SERAPHIM

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarachy

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarchy

One night as usual I was awake, the insomnia was horrific. I slept for days then was awake for weeks with no respite.

I heard a female voice which sounded like singing. Despite me living in a cemetery it was not haunted at all. It was 3.33 in the morning when my phone turned itself on and started playing music, angel meditation music.

Angel number 333. I then heard a low rumbling and knew that something was about to happen.

Julianus then said,

‘We have provided this dwelling as a sanctuary. It will be protective, it will be completely for your healing. It is your castle and we will ward off anything that will bring harm’

I then saw in my minds eye a huge Seraphim growing bigger and bigger and folding her colossal black wings around the house.

Seraphim are one of the oldest, highest forms of the angel hierarchy.  They are God’s warriors. ( I had learned this in my dream for Earth Walkers) They were creating a bubble for me to reside in to heal, whilst obviously the soul boot camp exploded to a higher more intense level.

I then saw a shimmering light on my landing and Catherine, my guide of prophecy and Khan stood smiling at me with such a  look of humility that I started to cry.

I whispered,  ‘Please help me!’

The only reply that I received was, ‘Help yourself and we shall carry you through the journey’

I didn’t want to hear this, I wanted a magical miracle to transport me to a proper life free of ill health. But we never get what we want, we can only achieve our goals through hard work and introspection.

I thought I had had a hard life, but this was just the beginning.

I was to be put though the mill, squeezed through the wrangle until every single thing that held darkness was wrung out of me drip by agonising drip.

The first lesson was dealing with my abuse as a child and teenager.  The horrors of my past that had been locked away, were now being reopened and put right in front of my face.

Believe me when I say, they refused to leave until I lived through every single experience they gave me, the only option was to engage with them or allow their misery to haunt me…..


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