ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11

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ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11


So at this point in my life 14 March 2015, there was a lot rattling through my brain.  I think a massive epiphany arrived of all places in B and Q!  More of that later!

My angel boot camp had now shot me back to when I was 7 years old in my dream state.  I was attacked sexually by a stranger in some damp dingy toilets.  The man, or monster, which ever way you want to refer to him was showing his son what you do with little girls.  I often think of that poor boy, he no doubt grew up to be a monster like his dad.


I will never forget the look of anguished pain on my dad’s face when I told them what had happened.  We were just about to eat Sunday dinner and I had been down the park with my friend. It is amazing how your chemical senses can link to a memory back in time.  I remember the smell of the roast and my dad about to cut into a Yorkshire pudding like it was yesterday.  (By the way, my mum’s Yorkshire puddings are THE BEST, FACT! lol).  This man had groomed us in the park and followed us to the toilets.  As an innocent child you would never suspect a man with his son playing happily in a park to be a dangerous stranger with evil intent.

My dad shot up from the table and got straight into the car and headed for the park.  Obviously the man wasn’t there.  I felt guilty, dirty and also mortified that the love of my life, my dad was so upset.  I thought at the time he was upset by me.  A child victim is a very difficult subject to comprehend and cope with.  I pray that this never happens to you as a parent, but if it does, here’s a few tips.

I remember people whispering in other rooms about the attack.  Being so young they didn’t even think to realise that I was fully aware of their muted conversations.  It made me feel even more vulnerable and alienated.  More and more people knew my secret, I felt like I had an invisible name tag adorned around my neck, ‘VICTIM’.  So don’t have conversations within ear shot of your child.  It heightens our awareness of embarassment and feeling like soiled goods.

The police in the 70’s were awful.  There was no appropriate victim protocol back then. The first police to arrive, a man and a woman decided to interview me whilst I was sitting on my stairs at home.  They were asking me all sorts of questions in front of my mum and dad. I wasn’t even aware that they were coming to see me. Firstly I did not want to talk to a man, even if he was a police officer.  As far as I was concerned he was a stranger and I felt instantly intimidated.  To then ask a 7 year old to describe graphic details with no warning in front of your mum and dad was frightening and abhorrent, obviously I closed up.

Nowadays there are sympathy suites for victims and the care is second to none.  You are now allocated a family liaison officer who is the facilitator between the victim, victims family and the investigation.  That was my main job as a detective and I loved it.  I am sure that this day, when the officers were questioning me on my stairs was the day when I vowed I would become a police officer and would never allow a victim to feel how I was feeling at that time, embarassed, ashamed, guilty, dirty and mortified.  ALWAYS ask your loved one what they want and explain everything which is about to take place.  Children are far better prepared by being in the loop than just being shoved into a situation where they have no idea what is happening. You are not protecting them, you are placing them in a dark scary place of uncertainty.  If there is anything you are not happy with, concerning the questioning of your child, or the investigation, voice your concerns, don’t let it unfold to your child’s detriment.

My policing days, so proud

My policing days, so proud

Even though it is exceptionally hard, don’t show negative feelings in front of your child.  They will immediately perceive this as they have caused the upset, not the perpetrator.

Obviously counselling should be encouraged but not forced until your child is ready.  I was never afforded this option back then but I dealt with it later on.  Well I thought I had dealt with it until it came tumbling back into my dreams back in 2015.  They were so real, the dreams, the smells, the atmosphere, the man.  It was tangible,  it was hard to go through this.  The dreams lasted for about a week and then disappeared. The man who attacked me was never caught. I still have tiny issues being in damp or dirty toilets and cannot bear to stand where someone else has dripped, like a swimming pool changing room or by a pool, but that’s as much trauma as I have now! Not too bad!

However, I still questioned at the time if it was me having some sort of breakdown or the angel realms were healing my scarred soul.  I soon got the answer.


Jay came and insisted that I got out of bed.  He still didn’t really understand my condition, thinking it was mind over matter.  However I had been isolating for so long, that I thought it would be good to get out and have some fresh air.  I told him about my current cluster of dreams and he suggested we take the angel cards with us, perhaps I could get some answers.  He had made some food for a picnic.  I felt quite excited even though I was totally exhausted and every movement was like a burning hot sword slicing through my body.

Sheldon, Devon

Shaldon, Devon

At Shaldon I took in the fresh briny air, listened with contentment to the screaming gulls and listened to the relentless ebb and flow of the magnificent emerald blue sea. The sea to me is like my life force, I am obsessed with it. I was glad I had made the effort.  I had hobbled into a cafe where we had a delicious hot chocolate, the dogs were in their element running around the sandy beach, I felt almost human.  Healthy people take for granted what they are able to do every day, we however, suffering with chronic illness, see the most smallest things as a magnificent treat.

I then started to get drop dead tired so Jay drove me to Labrador Bay where we ate the picnic in the car.Labrador Bay

It was simply stunning.  He then said, ‘Right let’s see what the angels have to say!‘ I put my roll down, took a deep breath, closed me eyes asking for answers in my mind, and selected the cards:


ARCHANGEL GABRIEL  Gabriel is deeply concerned about children’s welfare and their healing.  Gabriel helps earthly messengers such as teach­ers and writers. This Arch­angel acts like a Heavenly agent and manager who motivates you to polish your skills. Gabriel then opens the door of opportunity for you to work in your chosen career, and gives you a loving push through it if you hesitate.

Wow, he was over seeing my childhood healing! Yet again, the writing had come up.

You are experiencing temporary set backs.  Do not compare yourself to others and also be aware of their motives.

Good the setbacks were temporary.  A reminder to keep myself safe from harmful humans and to not be resenting everyone else’s healthy lives.  I had been doing a lot of that recently.

ARCHANGEL RAGUEL   Justice, better finances and paying off of all debts

OMG! He was still with me and was reminding me my debt would be sorted! Could the justice be about my road accident and all of the loss?

New Career.  You must make yourself ready as your path is about to change.  Do not doubt your abilities in this new arena of your life

WOW! You just couldn’t write it.  How amazing were those messages.  I felt a new surge of hope snake through me.  But writing? Really, as a career? We would see.  Angel cards are so helpful and I always find are totally relevant to your needs.

How to use angel cards

I ask a question or sometimes just ask for a little guidance. You can do them daily or when you really need direction. I close my eyes, still my mind, then pick up to four cards, however many I feel to take at the time.  You either feel drawn to what card you want to take or sometimes they fall out of the pack when you are shuffling.  They ALWAYS explain my predicament or take me forward.  Sometimes they tell you what you don’t want to hear, but follow their advice!  I have many favourite packs.  I think the best thing to do is look at various packs and see which ones you are instantly attracted to if you want to start using them.  To be honest you can never go wrong with Doreen Virtue.

Doreen Virtue angel cards

Here’s a link to help you get going.  These are my current ones that I use.  They are angel essence mixed with the divinity of tarot.  Have a go, you really will get results.

B and Q

After our lunch I felt a little euphoric.  So on the way home I decided to stop in at B and Q to get some plants for my new garden.  It was a stupid move as I had already used all of my spoons for that day. This is what I mean by spoons!

Spoons for the day!

Spoons for the day!

As I hobbled into the store, I stopped right by the entrance and realised I just couldn’t move another inch.  I felt dizzy and unbalanced and just wanted to lay down.  Every muscle was screaming, it felt like my whole body was spewing lactic acid.  I started to feel an anxiety attack come on and just wanted to be home and in bed laying horizontal.  Unless you have this condition you have no idea how delicious it is to lay down, it’s like a wave of relief seeping through every nerve and fibre.

Sitting up is using a spoon, talking, listening, absolutely ANYTHING apart from laying down quietly is a spoon.  So on some days a talk with your friend or cleaning your teeth is the option, one or the other, not both.

Anyway back to B and Q,  I was obviously an impressive shade of green and white as Jay asked if I was alright.  I couldn’t reply.

One of the staff then came over and before I knew it I was shoved in a wheelchair.  I was horrified.  I was not disabled.  I was just ill for a while.  I could get up, I wasn’t going to be one of those people that  the public looked at  with a pitying glance as you were wheeled along.  I then had a battle right then and there in Torquay’s  B and Q.  I was crying and struggling to accept the predicament I was in.

A wheelchair user, disabled, no independence, useless, needy battled with comfortable, able to go to the shops, no more extra pain.  It was like my mind did not want to accept the inevitable.

But as Jay pushed me along, my muscles screaming their thanks, I realised that I had to surrender.  Yes, I was being pushed around, but I could look at the plants and see more than I had ever seen in months. I just felt like if I accepted that I couldn’t walk anywhere or get help, then it would be my reality forever.  I didn’t want to be disabled.  I wanted to be well and mobile and strong again.

But deep down, I knew that it was time to accept and embrace my current status.  The GP was wrong, I WAS disabled.  I needed a wheelchair for the time being.  I had to grow up and accept my situation, no use fighting anymore.

I remember looking at a fuschia and thinking,  ‘Ok, if that’s what my body needs for now, so be it.’

The plant of acceptance...

The plant of acceptance…

That special day fuelled by my angel cards lead me to get help and finally admit I needed to send out an SOS.  I had to stop ‘going it alone’.  Believe me it was a hell of a fight to accept this.  When you are a survivor, strong in will and totally independent, to accept help and the fact that it was vital to your daily routine was one of the most difficult things I ever had to come to terms with.

This final revelation lead to so many miraculous changes,  that I will never forget that special day and was so glad my body disintegrated in B an Q!

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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 9


I woke up and I was breathing like I had just ran a marathon.  I was soaked in sweat and felt like I had just been dragged from a time warp, a time in the past that I had never wanted to return to, ever.

During my teens after my dad had passed my mum unfortunately married, what I can only describe as nothing short of an animal.  Every day was like walking on egg shells hoping to appease him to prevent his frenzied violent attacks.  Fear roamed the corridors of our home like a malevolent shadow, waiting for any excuse to manifest itself.  I had along with other traumas, thought that I had dealt with this time in my life with therapy, but obviously not, as I was being taken back to that time every time I fell asleep.

The nightmares were so real that I thought I was dissolving into some sort of breakdown.  I was back as a teenager, angry, frustrated and  in the fear and terror of his vitriolic words, sneers and violence.  I just couldn’t work out why this was happening.  It was 1 Jan 2015 and I could see nothing but a black year ahead.  I just couldn’t shake out of it.  I was feeling like a victim again with the nightmares bringing all of my worried thoughts and innermost fears to the surface.  Why was I being made to suffer? The state I was in made me even more prone to not answering the phone.  It would buzz silently by my side but I refused to connect to the outside world, not even my closest friends had access, including Jay.  I couldn’t cope with talking, having any conversation or projecting my misery onto anyone else. I was isolating and I knew it.


My Totem Ladybird

My Totem Ladybird

As I went to grab my glass of water I was just about to take a sip and nearly swallowed a ladybird.  I carefully took it out of the inner rim of the glass and placed it onto the windowsill.  I then went back to sleep as the insomnia was horrific so most days I slept all day.

I woke up about 9pm fed my poor babies and was wide awake.  I had had yet another nightmare but chose to put it to the back of my mind as I literally ‘lost’ myself in Lost, a mysterious show where people are marooned on a very strange island.  I could hear a flickering sound and after a while realised that it was coming from under my lampshade.  It was the lady bird again.  Fearing she may burn on the light bulb, I caught her and took her downstairs to the lounge.



I then decided to walk through the cemetery so the dogs could get a run.  Looking back on it, anyone from the road would have thought they had seen a ghost! I was in a white hooded dressing gown and carrying a torch!  I found a weird sense of solace sitting there in the silence under the starlit sky and the moon.  With no superficial light it felt ethereal.  I used to have many conversations with the angels there, in the black velvet of night.  But I never seemed to get an answer.  I felt an irony in that place, I felt like a ghost drifting through time and space with no specific goal or reason. It was so peaceful. I could understand why I had been given this space.


My starlit sanctuary



When I walked back into the house, I of course went straight back to bed.  I saw something in the corner of my eye and saw that the ladybird was sitting on my pillow.  It just didn’t click, but remember the bumble bee?  So I huffed, lifted her up again and put her on the windowsill behind the net curtain.  I must have drifted off as at exactly 2.22 am I woke up and what was sitting on my hand?  The ladybird. I checked to see if this was a second ladybird, but there was nothing behind the net curtain, I recognised the markings anyway. It then finally hit me that this was a totem.  I googled it:

A ladybird heralds a time of luck.  Higher goals and new heights are possible.  Worries begin to dissipate.  New happiness will come about.  Don’t go too fast or try too hard to fulfil your dreams.  Let things flow at a natural pace.  In due course wishes come true.  Leave your worries behind you.  Do not be scared to live your own truth.  Protect your truth and know that it is yours to honour.

So it was about accepting my situation and allowing the processes to flow and resting throughout.  It was also telling me that I had to accept me and my new truth. It was to be difficult as I had always been driven to be the best at everything I did, as being good at doing nothing was the hugest obstacle I had to overcome.  It then hit me, was I being healed from my abuse trauma? Was there still a recess somewhere in my soul that tenaciously protected the memories and experiences of that trauma and they were finally being exorcised for good?  Was this part of the boot camp?  So many questions, but I just didn’t have the answers.

What I will say is these nightmares paved way to something magnificent and another tool to my itinerary that would prove useful in future years.  I just couldn’t see it at the time.  As for the luck and happiness to come, it was exactly right, but again I was in the black and at that moment in time there was no flicker of light to help me along my dark tunnel of isolation and misery.

I then googled 222:

222 as an angel number is one of the more common sequences shown to those who are awakening to the presence and guidance from the angelic realm.

The Angel Number 222 has a very significant and powerful vibration. It contains the attributes of 2 and 22, the Master Builder Number of inspiration, big ideas and the focus and persistence needed to manifest big dreams into reality.

222 as an Angel Number has to do with manifestation, keeping in balance, and creating blessings on a huge and global scale.

When you repetitively see 222, it’s a message from the angels that you’re on the right track. You’re in the right place at the right time. Stay positive, know that your angels are supporting you, but remember to ask for angelic assistance.

222 offers assurance that things are and will work out for the best when you focus on your desired outcome, stay positive, go with the flow, and continue taking steps in creating your desired result.

The Angel Number 222 is a reminder to keep the faith, to stay focused on what you want rather than what you do not, and to trust that all is well, and everything is working out according to Divine will for the highest and greatest good.

How inspiring!  It was a perfect explanation of my circumstances and my dream of publishing Earth Walkers, and just to back this up when I went back to sleep, I had another very lucid dream, another story that I was to write.  It is called Coffin Crashers and is a romantic adult comedy ficton about two girls who work in a funeral home and gate crash the funerals to find love!  It also enables me to bring in facts about the afterlife and the journey of our soul.  It’s an excellent story.  So perhaps I was being taken onto a new more creative path?  Becoming a writer of fantasy fiction?  Who knew.

The next three weeks brought the most horrific nightmares connected to my past, but miraculously, the dreams started to change.  By the end of this particular part of my spiritual boot camp, healing abuse, including an attack I experienced when I was 7, I found I was taking control of each dream and in the end won over the attacker and my mum’s ex husband.  After a few nights of me being the victor.  The nightmares stopped.

Yes I was indeed being healed finally of this past trauma.  It made me realise that perhaps the shadows in my soul were being erased in order for me to be clear, light and ready for my new spiritual work.


The morning after the last victorious nightmare, I went down to the front door to let the dogs out.  There on the doorstep was a basket full of food.  There was no note, no clue to who had left it there, it was just full of essentials that I needed.  As I put my arm up to steady myself by the front door, the ladybird was sitting on my arm.  I started to cry, I felt so grateful and most of all loved and thought of.  The food parcels, cooked meals and toiletries were left regularly on the doorstep.  I may not be reaching out, but I was being cared for in a most magical way.  I can honestly say, I would not be where I am now without my friends.

Never underestimate the true power of genuine friendship.  These are the beautiful souls who will be there for the highlights and the shadows.  I have found that my close friends are my family, my soul cluster.  Even though I hadn’t learned it yet, they were and are my lifeline.  Please if you suffer from a chronic illness, reach out to your friends, they are just waiting for you to ask, trust me.  There is no weakness in asking for help, if anything it is a refusal of self love and self care.  I still struggle, but I am getting there!


I would also like to add, that if you have been the victim of any abuse or trauma, it may still be held in your soul as a shadow, even though you think you may have dealt with it, it could still be affecting your life now.

Please consider counselling if you are open to this type of therapy.  There are many other holistic ways through hypnosis, NLP, healing, CBT etc.


Archangel Raphael

Archangel Raphael

Ask Archangel Raphael to help heal your way forward.  It doesn’t have to be a specific prayer, just give him permission to come and help you.  He works on a beautiful green ray of light.  Imagine this colour in your head as you ask him to come and help you.

Archangel Michael, the warrior, is also a good Archangel to call upon, on a radiant blue light he can help you move forward with strength and focus and help cut any ties that bind you to the past.

Archangel Michael

Archangel Michael


Generally in the next few days you will get a specific sign from them to say that they had answered your call.  It can be anything to a feather delivered in an unnatural environment, an angel symbol or anything that will hit you as ‘weird’ or a representation of the angel realms!

Don’t allow your past to create your present and your future.  get rid of it once and for all.


My tale of the lady bird was a sad one, I found out she needed to be hibernated.  I placed her in a matchbox and put her in the porch but found her dead in the spring.  I was so upset!  But in her death, it almost felt symbolic, like there was a death of part of me which could surely only lead to resurrection…..


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