The Boot Camp of my Mind

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The Boot Camp of my Mind

HEALING STARTS FROM WITHIN

Have you ever woken up and thought, why the hell did I dream of that for?  Well I did , it was a random dream that was so intense that I woke up tearful.  I had dreamt that I was still with a certain ex who pretty much broke my heart.  I put it down to a random dream, but the next night it happened again.

This then lead to three weeks of dreaming about all my exes that had done wrong, been awful or had really hurt me.

By week one I realised that it was another spiritual boot camp.  I was healing my broken heart of bad relationships.  There were quite a few I can tell you!

The dreams felt so real it was like I was reliving them.  Every thought feeling and behaviour was revisited during dream state.

I needed to form a plan

I needed to form a plan

The first thing I did was dive into my spiritual knowledge itinerary.  What could I use or do to help me understand, heal from and end my apparent heart break?

ANGELS

Firstly I called upon Archangel Raphael as he is the Archangel of Healing.  I then called upon Archangel Azrael.  Now Archangel Azrael is usually the Archangel of death.  Not the grim reaper!  He helps souls part from their body and acclimatise to their new form.  He also assists people who are suffering the loss of that loved one.  However, he also assists with grieving and moving on from situations that brought us harm.  So I decided to call upon him.

After I had done the invocation, I decided to pull a few angel cards and to my amazement the first two cards were Azrael and Raphael.  The next two were, ‘time to heal from past hurt‘ and ‘importance in knowing your self worth and value

Wow they had heard my plea already!

I then had an Amethyst crystal resting on my heart chakra when I was laying down which was pretty much most of the day.

Amethyst amongst other benefits help you to grieve situations or people.

Now I didn’t think that I was grieving these losers from my past but obviously my guides and angels knew differently!

TOUGH TIMES

Admittedly it was tough.  A lot of the time I woke up crying or still feeling the love I had for these men.  I couldn’t understand how this was helping me, reliving each let down.

However, I diligently wrote out my feelings in my soul journal and started to see a pattern between the lines.

Incredibly and I have to add this now. I have at this very second received a message about my ex who stole thousands from me after my accident?! Talk about synchronicity! Wow! Karma works, I swear.

Anyway back to my journal.

ARE YOU WITH THE WRONG MAN OR WOMAN?

Writing in journals heals the soul

Writing in journals heals the soul

When I started to read over my experiences and what had happened in the relationships in black and white, it hit me like a bolt of lightening.  I have had such low self esteem that I had attracted predators time and time again.  Like attracts like, so what I thought of myself and believed about myself was unhealthy and so I naturally attracted the same ilk of men.

You are who you attract

You are who you attract

I realised that this had to change.

I needed to value myself, put me first and love everything about me unconditionally.

MY LIST

The first thing I did was make a TO DO list in my soul journal.

Students of my PRISM LIVING course will know all about this!  My Soul Journals are my most precious possession.  I cannot recommend enough keeping a diary of your innermost thoughts and feelings.  The words in black and white provide so much clarity and power!

My first TO DO was self care.  I could not cope with daily living so I decided to surrender and reach out.  I asked for a carer and help and I soon got it.

I got a cleaner in as i was not able to.  So instead of crying over a mess in the house this was now resolved.

I got a dog walker for my babies to release the guilt of not being able to take them out.

I decided to say three things every morning that I liked about myself.

I decided that I would not have ANYONE enter my house who I didn’t really want there.

I decided to improve my diet and try to manage my comfort eating.

I repeatedly placed a blessing on the names of the people who had abused me, hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me.  I sent them pink roses and asked for me to be let go emotionally from their energy that was obviously still connected to me. I did this with past friends as well.

I arranged for a counsellor to attend my home.

After doing this for just two weeks I felt incredibly different. To receive help in my daily care, to help me get through my pain emotionally and to love myself was life changing.

I started to get regular contact from friends I had let fade because of my illness.  These were my true die hard friends.

I find now that I am surrounded by the most caring, kindhearted genuine friends who have no ulterior motive.

If there is anyone who comes into my life with the wrong energy, their true colours are exposed so quickly it is quite remarkable.  My psychic intuition rings out stronger than it ever has  as soon as their energy changes to darker motives.

I am now free from the binds that tied me to past hurt.

Write out who has hurt you.  Make changes to move away from that energy.  Analyse your current relationships and see if you are in a mutually beneficial relationship with unconditional love.

If not

CHANGE IT!

I was such a people pleaser.  I was so desperate to be loved.  I would agree to things that I really didn’t want to do.  I allowed people that drained me and just used me for my esoteric knowledge to stay in my life.  I felt too weak and unsure of myself to say NO.  That ended by the conclusion of this particular boot camp.

Healing from hurt is never easy.  Nothing that is right is ever easy.  But believe me when you make the changes and start listening to your inner child, you become empowered.  The beauty of self belief and self love is truly remarkable.  It changes you as a person.  I will never let anyone ever take me for granted again.  Do the same!  Change your life!

It certainly worked for me.

After this period of self realisation, the dreams stopped of my exes and I felt a profound sense of freedom and inner strength.

I started to look forward to 2017  with such zest as I knew this would be the end of my dark night of the soul  (Please google this) and my resurrection. I couldn’t thank the angels and the Spirit World enough.  They were dragging through my every mistake and reason for failing in life.

I still get tearful now with so much gratitude as I look at my life now.  I am of course still chronically ill but it doesn’t matter.  I am surrounded by love, support and respect.  I adore my home and my fur babies, I am sugar and gluten free and on a bad day like this when I can’t get out of bed, rather than enshroud myself with self pity and sadness I have the wonderful opportunity to write and share my knowledge and experience with you beautiful people.  What could be better?

But whilst this seems like my fairy tale ending, I still had to get there!  There were still many battles ahead of me!

PHOENIX

But at that time in my life, with no permanent home and feeling so alone in the world with no career, I envisioned nothing but the Phoenix as soon as I started to slip into emotional darkness.  Like a phoenix from the flames, I knew that I was going to be reborn.  I had faith stronger than ever that my life was going to be amazing.

I am the Phoenix

I am the Phoenix

I was still bed bound most of the time, still in pain 24/7 but my mind kept me focused.  Yes I had horrendous days and still had obstacles to face in the next coming years, but, I KNEW I was going to be OK.  I just had to be patient and honour my healing journey.  That was the difference.

Until next time

Nicky xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11

SENDING OUT AN S.O.S

So at this point in my life 14 March 2015, there was a lot rattling through my brain.  I think a massive epiphany arrived of all places in B and Q!  More of that later!

My angel boot camp had now shot me back to when I was 7 years old in my dream state.  I was attacked sexually by a stranger in some damp dingy toilets.  The man, or monster, which ever way you want to refer to him was showing his son what you do with little girls.  I often think of that poor boy, he no doubt grew up to be a monster like his dad.

TELLING DAD

I will never forget the look of anguished pain on my dad’s face when I told them what had happened.  We were just about to eat Sunday dinner and I had been down the park with my friend. It is amazing how your chemical senses can link to a memory back in time.  I remember the smell of the roast and my dad about to cut into a Yorkshire pudding like it was yesterday.  (By the way, my mum’s Yorkshire puddings are THE BEST, FACT! lol).  This man had groomed us in the park and followed us to the toilets.  As an innocent child you would never suspect a man with his son playing happily in a park to be a dangerous stranger with evil intent.

My dad shot up from the table and got straight into the car and headed for the park.  Obviously the man wasn’t there.  I felt guilty, dirty and also mortified that the love of my life, my dad was so upset.  I thought at the time he was upset by me.  A child victim is a very difficult subject to comprehend and cope with.  I pray that this never happens to you as a parent, but if it does, here’s a few tips.

I remember people whispering in other rooms about the attack.  Being so young they didn’t even think to realise that I was fully aware of their muted conversations.  It made me feel even more vulnerable and alienated.  More and more people knew my secret, I felt like I had an invisible name tag adorned around my neck, ‘VICTIM’.  So don’t have conversations within ear shot of your child.  It heightens our awareness of embarassment and feeling like soiled goods.

The police in the 70’s were awful.  There was no appropriate victim protocol back then. The first police to arrive, a man and a woman decided to interview me whilst I was sitting on my stairs at home.  They were asking me all sorts of questions in front of my mum and dad. I wasn’t even aware that they were coming to see me. Firstly I did not want to talk to a man, even if he was a police officer.  As far as I was concerned he was a stranger and I felt instantly intimidated.  To then ask a 7 year old to describe graphic details with no warning in front of your mum and dad was frightening and abhorrent, obviously I closed up.

Nowadays there are sympathy suites for victims and the care is second to none.  You are now allocated a family liaison officer who is the facilitator between the victim, victims family and the investigation.  That was my main job as a detective and I loved it.  I am sure that this day, when the officers were questioning me on my stairs was the day when I vowed I would become a police officer and would never allow a victim to feel how I was feeling at that time, embarassed, ashamed, guilty, dirty and mortified.  ALWAYS ask your loved one what they want and explain everything which is about to take place.  Children are far better prepared by being in the loop than just being shoved into a situation where they have no idea what is happening. You are not protecting them, you are placing them in a dark scary place of uncertainty.  If there is anything you are not happy with, concerning the questioning of your child, or the investigation, voice your concerns, don’t let it unfold to your child’s detriment.

My policing days, so proud

My policing days, so proud

Even though it is exceptionally hard, don’t show negative feelings in front of your child.  They will immediately perceive this as they have caused the upset, not the perpetrator.

Obviously counselling should be encouraged but not forced until your child is ready.  I was never afforded this option back then but I dealt with it later on.  Well I thought I had dealt with it until it came tumbling back into my dreams back in 2015.  They were so real, the dreams, the smells, the atmosphere, the man.  It was tangible,  it was hard to go through this.  The dreams lasted for about a week and then disappeared. The man who attacked me was never caught. I still have tiny issues being in damp or dirty toilets and cannot bear to stand where someone else has dripped, like a swimming pool changing room or by a pool, but that’s as much trauma as I have now! Not too bad!

However, I still questioned at the time if it was me having some sort of breakdown or the angel realms were healing my scarred soul.  I soon got the answer.

SHALDON

Jay came and insisted that I got out of bed.  He still didn’t really understand my condition, thinking it was mind over matter.  However I had been isolating for so long, that I thought it would be good to get out and have some fresh air.  I told him about my current cluster of dreams and he suggested we take the angel cards with us, perhaps I could get some answers.  He had made some food for a picnic.  I felt quite excited even though I was totally exhausted and every movement was like a burning hot sword slicing through my body.

Sheldon, Devon

Shaldon, Devon

At Shaldon I took in the fresh briny air, listened with contentment to the screaming gulls and listened to the relentless ebb and flow of the magnificent emerald blue sea. The sea to me is like my life force, I am obsessed with it. I was glad I had made the effort.  I had hobbled into a cafe where we had a delicious hot chocolate, the dogs were in their element running around the sandy beach, I felt almost human.  Healthy people take for granted what they are able to do every day, we however, suffering with chronic illness, see the most smallest things as a magnificent treat.

I then started to get drop dead tired so Jay drove me to Labrador Bay where we ate the picnic in the car.Labrador Bay

It was simply stunning.  He then said, ‘Right let’s see what the angels have to say!‘ I put my roll down, took a deep breath, closed me eyes asking for answers in my mind, and selected the cards:

THE POWER OF ANGEL MESSAGES

ARCHANGEL GABRIEL  Gabriel is deeply concerned about children’s welfare and their healing.  Gabriel helps earthly messengers such as teach­ers and writers. This Arch­angel acts like a Heavenly agent and manager who motivates you to polish your skills. Gabriel then opens the door of opportunity for you to work in your chosen career, and gives you a loving push through it if you hesitate.

Wow, he was over seeing my childhood healing! Yet again, the writing had come up.

You are experiencing temporary set backs.  Do not compare yourself to others and also be aware of their motives.

Good the setbacks were temporary.  A reminder to keep myself safe from harmful humans and to not be resenting everyone else’s healthy lives.  I had been doing a lot of that recently.

ARCHANGEL RAGUEL   Justice, better finances and paying off of all debts

OMG! He was still with me and was reminding me my debt would be sorted! Could the justice be about my road accident and all of the loss?

New Career.  You must make yourself ready as your path is about to change.  Do not doubt your abilities in this new arena of your life

WOW! You just couldn’t write it.  How amazing were those messages.  I felt a new surge of hope snake through me.  But writing? Really, as a career? We would see.  Angel cards are so helpful and I always find are totally relevant to your needs.

How to use angel cards

I ask a question or sometimes just ask for a little guidance. You can do them daily or when you really need direction. I close my eyes, still my mind, then pick up to four cards, however many I feel to take at the time.  You either feel drawn to what card you want to take or sometimes they fall out of the pack when you are shuffling.  They ALWAYS explain my predicament or take me forward.  Sometimes they tell you what you don’t want to hear, but follow their advice!  I have many favourite packs.  I think the best thing to do is look at various packs and see which ones you are instantly attracted to if you want to start using them.  To be honest you can never go wrong with Doreen Virtue.

Doreen Virtue angel cards

Here’s a link to help you get going.  These are my current ones that I use.  They are angel essence mixed with the divinity of tarot.  Have a go, you really will get results.

B and Q

After our lunch I felt a little euphoric.  So on the way home I decided to stop in at B and Q to get some plants for my new garden.  It was a stupid move as I had already used all of my spoons for that day. This is what I mean by spoons!

Spoons for the day!

Spoons for the day!

As I hobbled into the store, I stopped right by the entrance and realised I just couldn’t move another inch.  I felt dizzy and unbalanced and just wanted to lay down.  Every muscle was screaming, it felt like my whole body was spewing lactic acid.  I started to feel an anxiety attack come on and just wanted to be home and in bed laying horizontal.  Unless you have this condition you have no idea how delicious it is to lay down, it’s like a wave of relief seeping through every nerve and fibre.

Sitting up is using a spoon, talking, listening, absolutely ANYTHING apart from laying down quietly is a spoon.  So on some days a talk with your friend or cleaning your teeth is the option, one or the other, not both.

Anyway back to B and Q,  I was obviously an impressive shade of green and white as Jay asked if I was alright.  I couldn’t reply.

One of the staff then came over and before I knew it I was shoved in a wheelchair.  I was horrified.  I was not disabled.  I was just ill for a while.  I could get up, I wasn’t going to be one of those people that  the public looked at  with a pitying glance as you were wheeled along.  I then had a battle right then and there in Torquay’s  B and Q.  I was crying and struggling to accept the predicament I was in.

A wheelchair user, disabled, no independence, useless, needy battled with comfortable, able to go to the shops, no more extra pain.  It was like my mind did not want to accept the inevitable.

But as Jay pushed me along, my muscles screaming their thanks, I realised that I had to surrender.  Yes, I was being pushed around, but I could look at the plants and see more than I had ever seen in months. I just felt like if I accepted that I couldn’t walk anywhere or get help, then it would be my reality forever.  I didn’t want to be disabled.  I wanted to be well and mobile and strong again.

But deep down, I knew that it was time to accept and embrace my current status.  The GP was wrong, I WAS disabled.  I needed a wheelchair for the time being.  I had to grow up and accept my situation, no use fighting anymore.

I remember looking at a fuschia and thinking,  ‘Ok, if that’s what my body needs for now, so be it.’

The plant of acceptance...

The plant of acceptance…

That special day fuelled by my angel cards lead me to get help and finally admit I needed to send out an SOS.  I had to stop ‘going it alone’.  Believe me it was a hell of a fight to accept this.  When you are a survivor, strong in will and totally independent, to accept help and the fact that it was vital to your daily routine was one of the most difficult things I ever had to come to terms with.

This final revelation lead to so many miraculous changes,  that I will never forget that special day and was so glad my body disintegrated in B an Q!


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