It’s OK not to be OK

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It’s OK not to be OK

Hi everyone,

HEAVEN CALLING

I was just working on my book Heaven Calling and thought I would share exactly how I am feeling at the moment.

The book highlights  ways through my knowledge as a Major Investigations Detective and of course as a psychic medium how to cope with loss, overcome grief and embrace spiritual reunion.

Very simple words with a very simple description but to actually feel what that means represents a huge ball of trauma and heart break that no one can ever understand apart from when you personally go through it.

My driving force in this life has always been to bring comfort to the bereaved and proof of their loved one’s survival.  That has been the main work I have worked towards for 26 years.  But to now have the chance to help you through the initial loss to being ready and positive enough to embark on a spiritual relationship with your loved one is a gift beyond anything I can imagine.

YOUR STORIES

I have been reading so many stories that you have all kindly sent in about your experiences with losing loved ones whether they are friends, family or pets.  Thank you for this by the way as I am sure the writing may have either invoked true sadness or I hope, happiness on remembering their life.

I have cried so many times over the last few days!  The stories are breath taking, one for how brave you have been for enduring the pain and sadness, but also how amazingly your loved ones have manipulated situations and events to let you know that they are there.

Some of the young children and baby stories are so fantastic that I am literally champing at the bit to get this book submitted.

It is going to be one of my most proudest achievements and I cannot wait to tell those who have been involved that their loved ones have been immortalised.  It will be a dream come true.

GRIEF

Nothing can possibly totally heal the rift that you experience during loss.  Of course it doesn’t have to be someone passing on.  It can be an estrangement, loss of health, divorce, coping with terminal illness and anything where you have been faced with the harsh reality that nothing is ever going to be the same again.  But it really is OK not to be OK.

Baby steps and honouring the grieving process is always monitored and gently pushed along by your loved ones and the angel realms.  You may feel so alone, but just by talking out or thinking out a conversation with your loved one or to an angel really does help, trust me.  Just try it.

Take five minutes in a quiet or relaxing space.  Take a few deep breaths and think about nothing but the breaths that you are taking.  When your mind empties start to think of your loved one or the problem that ails you.  Get everything out in those thoughts that is bringing you pain.

After you have highlighted what you need help with thank the source for taking on your pain and ask them to help you.  Archangel Michael would be a fab one for this as he helps us move in with strength and focus and helps us to cut the binds of our grief.

Remember if you are asking the angels, they will need your permission to get involved as they cannot interfere with free will.

SIGNS

In the next couple of days after you have sent you SOS out, you will surely get a sign.

The common ones are fluffy white feathers in unusual places, butterflies, dragonflies, birds acting unnaturally or even a favourite song on the radio from your loved one.  They will pick the right sign to show you that they have heard your plea.

This is only a little tip, but by regularly doing this, you are intentionally connecting to the Universe and asking for help. The more that you do it, the higher your vibration rises which makes it easier for ethereal and celestial energy to blend with you and help.

I know that you hate the world, are angry with your situation and find it hard to keep going, but trust me, when you have a strong, silent invisible force standing right behind you, supporting you and nurturing you back to some normality, grieving and the fight to recover is a whole lot easier.

There are so many tips, exercises and inspiring stories in my book, but I just wanted to reach out and say that you may be suffering, but you are not alone.

MOMMA NATURE

I would also ask that during your day at some point when you have a quiet minute please send a heart in your minds eye to a. your loved one who you miss and b. another heart to all those that are suffering with these dreadful weather disasters at the moment.  Mother Nature isn’t happy with us and the way we treat the Earth, so these disasters will continue at an alarming level, I’m afraid.

Just a little thought from masses of people with the same message will reach the souls that are in distress on the Earth and the ones that have tragically been taken home.

We can do nothing but spread the love x

I would also love at this time to lay tribute to a magnificent icon of spiritual living and human learning, Louise Hay.

She has recently transitioned and gone back home leaving a legacy of truly inspiring writing and Hay House, the ultimate publishing machine that distributes to the world every thing we could possibly wish to learn and be inspired by.

I can honestly say that without You Can Heal Your Life, (my bible for spiritual living!) by Louise Hay, I would never have moved forward as quickly in recovering from my grief and tragedy.

May the angels embrace your beautiful soul Louise, God Bless xx

 

Until next time,

Much love

Nicky xx

 


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THE CHILL LOUNGE Short story paranormal fiction

Hi all,

Just to let you know that my first three short stories are now out for you to download!

They are adult fiction with delicious paranormal twists.

They are all inspired from my own experiences, paranormal investigations, meditations, dreams and readings that I have carried out.

As you know I am unable to get out there in public so I do hope you download and enjoy these stories.

Some are inspirational with fundamental messages for all of us, some are purely educational and others just to put a chill down your spine!

THE GHOST HUNT is about Amber and Emma who go on a paranormal investigation at Angel House and get more than they bargained for


THE LOST THE LONELY AND THE BRAVE is a  story about a journalist investigating a police officer that commits suicide, with a huge twist.

THE WAITING ROOM is a beautiful depiction of the bond between mother and daughter during adversity.  This is particularly special to me as a spirit lady gave me the inspiration for this story during a reading with her daughter.

I am writing the next two and when they are finished and edited will be added to THE CHILL LOUNGE COLLECTION for your enjoyment.

So put your feet up with a cuppa and have five minutes out reading my little adventures covering all that is spooky and paranormal!

THE CHILL LOUNGE COLLECTION

Each download costs 75p and are all listed on my merchandise / shop page on the website.

All I have to give at the moment is my writing, so I hope that you enjoy each story and take on board the inspiration within each one.

I am still endeavouring to get EARTH WALKERS out there and will be submitting my non fiction book HEAVEN CALLING shortly.

I thank you for your never ending support and hope that you can support me in this new way of working through my writing,

Lots of Love

 

Nicky xxxxxx

www.nickyalan.co.uk


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THE POWER OF ANIMAL TOTEMS

Hi all,

CHANGE OF PACE

As you most probably saw on Facebook, I have decided to put my soul diaries in book format  as so many of you have emailed and messaged me with this idea.  So I have taken it on board and then realised if I carried on blogging about it there would be spoilers to the book! Lol.

So I had a little meditation on the subject and I was told to just address spiritual matter that would assist you in your daily lives.

I would also love to answer any questions you may have through the comments section on this page.  But remember you have to subscribe first!

So ask away! I am all yours!

Here to help!

Here to help!

BABY TOAD

I was wondering what to start this new blog on and within a few seconds I noticed something in the corner of my eye.  Right by my bedroom door was this little fellow.  He sat there for about 40 minutes.  When I asked, “Are you an animal totem?” He hopped off!

My lil animal totem

My lil animal totem

So I took it as a yes!  He was also sitting next to a feather, all be it not a white fluffy one that angels bring, but still a cute little feather!

Now the strangest thing is, before I noticed him, I was not only thinking on my blog I was having a bit of a crisis.

For those of you that know me and have been reading my blog I am suffering chronic illness .  The only way for me to focus on goals and still help human kind at the moment is through my writing.

I can get upset sometimes that I can not currently tour and visit people in person so writing to me is so very important. Plus I can do it in my pj’s!

BRAIN EXPLOSION!

I have been getting the expected ‘no’s from agents for my paranormal fiction book EARTH WALKERS and was feeling a little jaded and my self confidence took a little tumble down self esteem lane! I have only queried it 15 times so I really need to be patient!  But, I am the sort of person that then jumps about looking for another solution.  So I have decided to write non fiction books aswell using my vast esoteric knowledge.

So…… when I am thinking, should I carry on with fiction? Should I concentrate more on non fiction?  Do people care what I write about? Am I wasting my time? Shall I just stay in bed and forget the whole thing?  My guides must have thought, “Oh God she is having yet  another brain explosion, best send her a sign!”  (Feel so sorry for them, I wonder if they have Valium up there?)

Yep, hair pulling time!

Yep, hair pulling time!

 

So they then send a  baby toad!  Don’t ask me how they do it!  You may as well ask me one on rocket science!  I  have witnessed over the years so many times weird behaviour and oddly timed creatures in my path right at the magic time that I need them.

So after my little crisis and watching my warty little visitor I google ‘Toad animal totem’

Wow here was the answer:

If a toad totem has recently entered your life, consider the following points:

Are you going through an important transition in your life? Toad spirit symbolizes transitional phases of one’s life because of their own unique growing phases: the egg, the tadpole, and finally, the toad. Maybe you’re going through a big life change, in spirit or in reality, and frog totem has entered your life to remind you that change is a natural and positive part of life.

CHANGING FROM A WORKING PSYCHIC MEDIUM TO A WORKING PSYCHIC WRITER HAS DAUNTED ME SO MUCH SO THIS IS SPOT ON.  I AM ALSO BEING SHOWN MUCH DEEPER PHILOSOPHY AND UNIVERSAL UNDERSTANDING.

Are you bogged down or bored with your day to day activities? If you’ve gotten too comfortable in your day to day life, frog spirit may be here to remind you to clear out your “muddy waters” and rejuvenate your spirit by doing things that bring you passion

TOTALLY TRUE I AM BED BOUND MOST DAYS WHICH CAN SOMETIMES LEAD TO NEGATIVITY IF I LET IT. WRITING DOES REJUVENATE ME ALONG WITH THE PRISM COURSES AND MEDITATION I DO.  SO THIS IS OBVIOUSLY SAYING KEEP ON GOING!

Are you having trouble committing yourself to one single goal?  HAHA! A BIG FAT GLOOPY RESOUNDING  YES!

Frogs and toads alike enjoy leaping from place to place, and if you feel particularly drawn to one of these amphibians, you may tend to be a totem person that leaps from one thing to another as well. You might need to take some time to decide what your goals are and assess if you are taking the proper steps to get there.

QUESTION ANSWERED.  SIT BACK, TAKE STOCK AND DO ONE THING AT A TIME!

See? That’s how it works.  You have most probably worked out that I am not an airy fairy psychic.  I am grounded, I am an open minded sceptic and do question everything.  So I don’t think every time I see an animal in my garden it is a totem.    But when you whisper to a toad when it has sat there for 40 minutes “Are you an animal totem?” and within seconds it hops off, that’s pretty weirdy!

I have had it happen so many times with dragonflies, robins, birds, butterflies and deer to name but a few.  Robins and butterflies are by far the most common though.  They are very popular with your loved ones for sending a message to you to say that they are OK.  This will also occur at special times, i.e anniversaries, relevant dates or if you have asked for a sign.

PROPHECY

I even had a prophetic totem visitation.  My ex brother in law came through and told me at his funeral he would send the butterfly indoors as a sign from him.

At the wake I was sitting in the lounge and a butterfly came in through the conservatory and landed on my shoulder and sat there!

ACTING UNNATURALLY?

So if you are looking at a creature that is acting weird or turns up at a certain time every day or is perhaps a loved ones favourite pet that keeps rocking up in your garden (Not the actual one of course!), take note!

You may also be dreaming of the same animal regularly or seeing one in a meditation.  However they wish to be brought to you take note of this old ancient Native American Phenomena and google that animal!

We are continually being brought signs and synchronicity from our loved ones, guides, guardian angels and Archangels, but we choose to ignore them, doubt them or plain old poo poo them!

Poor loves! It must be like playing Give us a Clue or Catchphrase under an invisibility cloak!

Hello? Can you see me?

Hello? Can you see me?

I get so many emails and messages from people that need help and can’t seem to see a way forward.  If we just stop, open our hearts, eyes and ears and live in the present with a bit more calm then we will begin to notice and pick up on the fact that we are being guided more than we realise.

So look out for the animals!

Look forward to any questions you have, have a good week xxxxx


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The Boot Camp of my Mind

HEALING STARTS FROM WITHIN

Have you ever woken up and thought, why the hell did I dream of that for?  Well I did , it was a random dream that was so intense that I woke up tearful.  I had dreamt that I was still with a certain ex who pretty much broke my heart.  I put it down to a random dream, but the next night it happened again.

This then lead to three weeks of dreaming about all my exes that had done wrong, been awful or had really hurt me.

By week one I realised that it was another spiritual boot camp.  I was healing my broken heart of bad relationships.  There were quite a few I can tell you!

The dreams felt so real it was like I was reliving them.  Every thought feeling and behaviour was revisited during dream state.

I needed to form a plan

I needed to form a plan

The first thing I did was dive into my spiritual knowledge itinerary.  What could I use or do to help me understand, heal from and end my apparent heart break?

ANGELS

Firstly I called upon Archangel Raphael as he is the Archangel of Healing.  I then called upon Archangel Azrael.  Now Archangel Azrael is usually the Archangel of death.  Not the grim reaper!  He helps souls part from their body and acclimatise to their new form.  He also assists people who are suffering the loss of that loved one.  However, he also assists with grieving and moving on from situations that brought us harm.  So I decided to call upon him.

After I had done the invocation, I decided to pull a few angel cards and to my amazement the first two cards were Azrael and Raphael.  The next two were, ‘time to heal from past hurt‘ and ‘importance in knowing your self worth and value

Wow they had heard my plea already!

I then had an Amethyst crystal resting on my heart chakra when I was laying down which was pretty much most of the day.

Amethyst amongst other benefits help you to grieve situations or people.

Now I didn’t think that I was grieving these losers from my past but obviously my guides and angels knew differently!

TOUGH TIMES

Admittedly it was tough.  A lot of the time I woke up crying or still feeling the love I had for these men.  I couldn’t understand how this was helping me, reliving each let down.

However, I diligently wrote out my feelings in my soul journal and started to see a pattern between the lines.

Incredibly and I have to add this now. I have at this very second received a message about my ex who stole thousands from me after my accident?! Talk about synchronicity! Wow! Karma works, I swear.

Anyway back to my journal.

ARE YOU WITH THE WRONG MAN OR WOMAN?

Writing in journals heals the soul

Writing in journals heals the soul

When I started to read over my experiences and what had happened in the relationships in black and white, it hit me like a bolt of lightening.  I have had such low self esteem that I had attracted predators time and time again.  Like attracts like, so what I thought of myself and believed about myself was unhealthy and so I naturally attracted the same ilk of men.

You are who you attract

You are who you attract

I realised that this had to change.

I needed to value myself, put me first and love everything about me unconditionally.

MY LIST

The first thing I did was make a TO DO list in my soul journal.

Students of my PRISM LIVING course will know all about this!  My Soul Journals are my most precious possession.  I cannot recommend enough keeping a diary of your innermost thoughts and feelings.  The words in black and white provide so much clarity and power!

My first TO DO was self care.  I could not cope with daily living so I decided to surrender and reach out.  I asked for a carer and help and I soon got it.

I got a cleaner in as i was not able to.  So instead of crying over a mess in the house this was now resolved.

I got a dog walker for my babies to release the guilt of not being able to take them out.

I decided to say three things every morning that I liked about myself.

I decided that I would not have ANYONE enter my house who I didn’t really want there.

I decided to improve my diet and try to manage my comfort eating.

I repeatedly placed a blessing on the names of the people who had abused me, hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me.  I sent them pink roses and asked for me to be let go emotionally from their energy that was obviously still connected to me. I did this with past friends as well.

I arranged for a counsellor to attend my home.

After doing this for just two weeks I felt incredibly different. To receive help in my daily care, to help me get through my pain emotionally and to love myself was life changing.

I started to get regular contact from friends I had let fade because of my illness.  These were my true die hard friends.

I find now that I am surrounded by the most caring, kindhearted genuine friends who have no ulterior motive.

If there is anyone who comes into my life with the wrong energy, their true colours are exposed so quickly it is quite remarkable.  My psychic intuition rings out stronger than it ever has  as soon as their energy changes to darker motives.

I am now free from the binds that tied me to past hurt.

Write out who has hurt you.  Make changes to move away from that energy.  Analyse your current relationships and see if you are in a mutually beneficial relationship with unconditional love.

If not

CHANGE IT!

I was such a people pleaser.  I was so desperate to be loved.  I would agree to things that I really didn’t want to do.  I allowed people that drained me and just used me for my esoteric knowledge to stay in my life.  I felt too weak and unsure of myself to say NO.  That ended by the conclusion of this particular boot camp.

Healing from hurt is never easy.  Nothing that is right is ever easy.  But believe me when you make the changes and start listening to your inner child, you become empowered.  The beauty of self belief and self love is truly remarkable.  It changes you as a person.  I will never let anyone ever take me for granted again.  Do the same!  Change your life!

It certainly worked for me.

After this period of self realisation, the dreams stopped of my exes and I felt a profound sense of freedom and inner strength.

I started to look forward to 2017  with such zest as I knew this would be the end of my dark night of the soul  (Please google this) and my resurrection. I couldn’t thank the angels and the Spirit World enough.  They were dragging through my every mistake and reason for failing in life.

I still get tearful now with so much gratitude as I look at my life now.  I am of course still chronically ill but it doesn’t matter.  I am surrounded by love, support and respect.  I adore my home and my fur babies, I am sugar and gluten free and on a bad day like this when I can’t get out of bed, rather than enshroud myself with self pity and sadness I have the wonderful opportunity to write and share my knowledge and experience with you beautiful people.  What could be better?

But whilst this seems like my fairy tale ending, I still had to get there!  There were still many battles ahead of me!

PHOENIX

But at that time in my life, with no permanent home and feeling so alone in the world with no career, I envisioned nothing but the Phoenix as soon as I started to slip into emotional darkness.  Like a phoenix from the flames, I knew that I was going to be reborn.  I had faith stronger than ever that my life was going to be amazing.

I am the Phoenix

I am the Phoenix

I was still bed bound most of the time, still in pain 24/7 but my mind kept me focused.  Yes I had horrendous days and still had obstacles to face in the next coming years, but, I KNEW I was going to be OK.  I just had to be patient and honour my healing journey.  That was the difference.

Until next time

Nicky xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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NEWS JUST IN! ONLINE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT COURSE WITH NICKY ALAN!

Become the light that you have always been!

Become the light that you have always been!

***COMING SOON! ONLINE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT & EMPOWERMENT COURSE WITH NICKY ALAN – PRISM LIVING***

Do you feel underwhelmed with life? Do you get bouts of depression and a feeling of total uselessness? Are you surrounded by people that bring you down or drain you? Do you hate your job or where your life is going? Always trying to diet or go to the gym but never quite manage after week one? Are you drained of energy? Are you sick of being in a rut? Do you have bad sleep patterns and can’t shut your stressed brain off? Do you find you just get one bad thing happen after the other? Do you want to try and establish a spiritual relationship with your loved ones in spirit? Are you interested in The angel realms and how they can help you? Feel you have psychic ability but don’t know what to do with it?

Well then this is the course for you!

You will receive a seven week online course in every aspect of how to improve your life spiritually on a daily basis and how to gain that all important feeling that you are not alone no matter what life brings and the tools to enable it! You will be sent weekly sessions filled with exercises and advice on how to get the best out of life and the Universal energy!

 

To prebook please email me at nicky.alan@btinternet.com. When the course commences, a payment method will be available on the merchandise page at www.nickyalan.co.uk

BOOK USING THE LINK BELOW AND FOLLOW THE PROMPTS

Seven week course costs £45. I will be available to answer any questions via email throughout the course. If I can’t get to you physically I can reach out with technology!
Look forward to working with you! 😀
Nicky xx

MANDATORY DISCLAIMER
You have paid to take part in a workshop which is in the nature of an experimental educational programme; no claims are made and results cannot be guaranteed. You may experience things which you may not have experienced before. If any of you feel you may be vulnerable you should not partake in the course and seek medical advice or counselling.
The participant certifies that he/she is not aware of any medical or psychiatric condition which might affect his/her interpretation of the workshop and that he/she is voluntarily seeking these services for him herself and assumes full responsibility for the outcome.


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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 10

 

FOCUS, HEAL, FIGHT AND WRITE

So I thought that I had done well getting through the abuse nightmares, but obviously not.  Another exceptionally scary part of ME/ Fibro are the severe mood swings.  You have absolutely NO control over your emotions whatsoever.  For instance, yesterday I actually managed to get out and get myself dressed, all be it very slowly!  I sat by the most breath taking view of the river Parrett, looking out to contented cows munching on their delicious banquet of emerald green velvet, birdsong creating the most tantalising orchestra and countryside views that were simply stunning. I listened to the odd aquatic plop of a jumping Chub in the ever flowing river, feeling serene.

Anyone would have felt at peace and completely at one

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

with nature in this place.  It is hard to understand from someone who doesn’t suffer from this condition, but even though part of me was adoring just sitting still taking in the environment, there was a dark melodic song miserably wailing somewhere within, alerting me to the fact that sadness and anxiety were happily swimming through my consciousness just like the fish in the river.  You don’t feel depressed, you don’t have any reason to feel sad but your brain just decides that is what it is going to do for the day.

DOCTOR VISIT

So going back to January 2015, I was experiencing the most volatile mood swings I could have ever imagined.  The anxiety attacks were frightening and constant and to add to it I had a seriously ugly red blotched rash covering my hands and arms.  They looked like sores, they were disgusting.  So in the end I decided to make an appointment with my GP as the receptionist said the GP was too busy to come out to me and was it an emergency.  My friend was supposed to take me but she was kept at work.  I couldn’t afford a taxi so I decided rather stupidly to drive the two miles to the surgery in Brixham.  I wished that I hadn’t even bothered.

I walked into the room and straight away I burst into tears.  I couldn’t stop myself from wailing out every fear and worry.  I explained about the debt people hounding me every day, the anxiety attacks, the fact that I thought I should be put in a psych ward as I couldn’t cope with the mood swings and about my non existent life coping with the pain and exhaustion.

This was the following conversation.  As an ex police officer, I was so enraged I made original notes straight after!! lol

Dr sighs: Well I can give you some cream for the rash, but I have to say, you need to get a grip.

me: What do you mean?

Dr: Well it’s not as if you are disabled or anything, it’s not as if you have a broken limb

me: It’s not as if I’m disabled! (I repeat sarcastically)

Dr: Well no you managed to drive here, you are dressed and can carry that bag.

Me: I have my pyjama top on and a pair of jogging bottoms with no underwear, the bag is empty to carry my prescription and I had no choice but to drive.  It took me two hours to get out of my bed to the car and I will now no doubt be in bed for days because of the effort it took to get here!

Dr: Well that’s just it, straight away you are putting yourself in a negative thought pattern by saying you will end up in bed

Me: (raising my voice) Well that’s because it’s fact, I have been going through this for three years!

Dr: Why didn’t you get a taxi if you are so ill?

Me: Because I couldn’t afford it. Have you been listening?  Banks and debt collectors are calling and sending threatening letters every day.  Sometimes I can’t even buy food as I am paying all the debt off!

Dr: Well why don’t you go back to work?

Me: Why don’t I go back to work, are you serious?

Dr: As I said it’s not as if you are disabled

Me: Of course I am! I can’t look after myself I lay in bed month after month laying in my own urine, eating shit and rotting away like a ninety year old! (Shouting at this point)

Dr: I am not arguing with you Nichola, don’t use that language with me

Me (crying my eyes out) I can’t believe this, I can’t believe my Dr is saying this to me

Dr: Well as I said I am not arguing with you, you need to start getting dressed every day and forcing yourself to get out

Me: Just give me my cream

I then tried my best to march out of the door, but wasn’t very effective at a snail pace hobble!

What a wonderful supportive doctor, stupid cow!  It is the GP’s like this who make our lives a misery.  What is it about this condition that there is such a lack of knowledge and understanding with some GP’s?  I was hurt, exceptionally upset and my brain started to tell me that I was making it all up and a hypochondriac. If my GP wasn’t backing me up then who would? I stood crying as I got my cream at the pharmacy.  The pharmacist asked if I was ok, I just said, ‘I’m upset because my GP is disgusting!‘  Haha, what a thing to say.

So ladies and gents, my advice here is OWN IT!  Do not allow your GP to judge you or dismiss your illness due to their ignorance, whatever your illness is.  Complain about them if you are not happy.  ME and Fibro are the most misunderstood and disregarded conditions in this country.  I am so amazed by the lack of support and understanding. Speak out, we need to be heard!  Now, I would have given her what for, but I was so emotionally and mentally weak back then.  I just limped out of the surgery feeling even worse than I had before I went in.  I let her words haunt me, so the following day I forced myself to walk around the cemetery, obviously this lead to more pain and exhaustion, so promptly stopped after day two!

Own it!

Own it!

The cream did absolutely nothing to remove the blotches, I assumed they were another part of the illness, so just allowed them to spread and stopped using the cream.  I started using Lavendar and wheatgerm oil instead, smelled nice, but did nothing at all, at least it stopped the soreness!  The rash disappeared about six months after as if it have never been there, but left some nasty scars. Weird one!

SPIRALLING DOWN

From that day I was on a roller coaster of emotion, it was torturous.  One minute I was smiling listening to the birds, the next I was raging and wanted to kill the stupid cow who had smashed into me and caused all of this.  I spoke to no one.  Who wanted to hear my rantings?

But something weird happened, that jolted me into making efforts to snap out of the spiralling.

It was in the early hours of 23 Jan 2015.  I was looking after my friends dog Zeus (bless you Zeus, hope you are enjoying the rainbow bridge x) He was a very placid dog and very quiet.  But he woke me up by suddenly growling and barking.

I looked at the clock and it was 3.33.  I couldn’t understand what he was barking at, he stood at my bedroom door barking at an invisible space on the landing.  I was terrified as I thought there may be a burglar.  Then there was the most almighty crash.  It sounded like my front door had been kicked in.  My two little dogs then woke up and started barking as well.  It was complete chaos.  I grabbed the phone and started to dial 999 as I was convinced I was getting broken into.  Visions of being faced with an intruder started to flash through my mind.  My whole body started shaking as I looked around for a weapon. My ears were straining to hear where the intruders were in the house.

DREAM OR CELESTIAL?

But then as if I had dreamt it, Zeus sat down and stopped barking.  My two babies, stopped aswell and laid down promptly going back to sleep.  My heart was pounding, it was like there was a huge drum banging through my ears.  I was breathing frantically and still straining to hear for sound.  Zeus, then literally fell asleep, snoring his head off!

I listened for a little longer, finger hovering over the last 9 on my phone.  But there was nothing, complete silence.

Don't go down there!

Don’t go down there!

Now, you know when you watch a scary film and the victim walks into the darkness and you wait for the high violin stringed music to signal their impending death?  Yeah well that was me.  You would ordinarily scream, ‘Don’t go down there!’ But I put the phone in my pocket and shaking like a nutter, holding a back scratcher (Come on!  I could find no other weapon!) I furtively walked onto the landing stepping over the snoring Rotweiler, that should have been alert and guarding my back!  I stood on that landing for an eternity, sweat was running down my back as I was in my mind waiting for the violin music! Haha.  My back started to scream out in pain, so it was either return to my bed or hobble down the stairs.  I bravely or stupidly chose the latter.  I walked around the dark house and found nothing to explain the huge smash.  Everything was in order.  Nothing was out of place.  As I sat on the settee looking out to the cemetery it hit me like a thunderbolt.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

It was the 23 January, exactly THREE years to the day that I had had my road accident. I then remembered the time this incident had started 3.33.  I then tingled from head to toe.  I had been given a sign.  They were still with me, I was convinced.  They were making their presence known.  They were bringing to my attention that I wasn’t going through this hell alone.  I WASN’T ALONE!

I smiled as I looked out onto all of the silvery graves animated by the clouds flurrying before the moon.  It looked as if the shadows were dancing, celebrating, living.

I need to carry on fighting‘  I said out loud.

‘I need to dance and celebrate in my mind even if I can’t do it physically

A new resolve started to snake through me.  This bitch wasn’t going to beat me.

I then laughed as I put a vision in my mind of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!’ Yes get away from me, you filthy condition.  I heaved a huge sigh, said thank you to the angels, but they must have felt my niggling doubt that the smash and the time of the incident was a coincidence, because, like the alien, they kept on coming.

 

ANGELS

Every night from that night on, call it coincidence or not I was woken at 3.33.  I, as an open minded sceptic just assumed it was a natural occurrence, my brain registering that time every night to wake up.  Up above must have heard my mutinous thoughts!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won't load the proper way up? Weirdy!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won’t load the proper way up? Weirdy!

On Fri 13 Feb, I woke up to go to the toilet.  As I was in the bathroom, I heard voices and thought, ‘What now?’ I went upstairs and the television had turned itself on.  The remote was on the distant bed side cabinet. So I hadn’t leaned on it by accident or anything. I noted the time as 3.36 so I must have woken again at 3.33.  Amazingly the channel number was 369 and had stayed displayed on the screen in the top left hand corner, which ordinarily it doesn’t.  It was the Vintage Channel which I don’t really watch and certainly was not watching the previous evening.

369, Angel numbers.  I then heard a voice say Raguel.

My wing man

My wing man

Now I had never heard of this name before, so of course, I googled it:

To my absolute delight, it was a name of an Archangel.  I smiled as I read what he was responsible for.

Archangel Raguel working on the light blue ray is the Archangel of justice, harmony, peace, miracles and love.  He brings end to injustice, people and relationships from the past.

So was he here to balance the karma? Was that why I had had the dreams about my past abuse?  Was he here to heal me of my past hurts and friends who had turned their backs on me?  Was I going to get compensation for my life altering injury? Would I ever get a home again? Would the debt be dealt with? I looked around my bedroom, everything I had in there was pale blue and teal, colours I never usually was attracted to.  I had surrounded myself with his colour without even realising it.  I spoke out loud, ‘Archangel Raphael, I give you permission to enter my life and my soul and help me to heal from the injustice and hurt that has been brought upon me, I thank you for coming to me.’  That’s all you need to say really, when you invoke an angel.

MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD. OVER.

I then excitedly googled 369:

Angel number 369 is a message from your angels to continue forth upon your life purpose and soul mission, safe in the knowledge that your material wants and needs will be met as needed.  Your lightworking duties to serve and help humanity are important and you are being encouraged to put extra focus on your spiritual path and purpose.  Devote yourself to your soul mission without delay.

Your positive affirmations about your spiritual path and purpose have been heard and you are being responded to by the angels and those in higher realms.  Listen to your intuition and take action as guided.

Give any fears of monetary issues to the angels and get on with pursuing your purpose.  The angels, archangels and ascended masters fully support you and will ensure that your material wants and needs are met as you carry on your lightwork.

Research, study, schooling, education and learning will enhance and help your life purpose, personal growth and development at this time.  The angels will guide and help your need to learn and grow.

I then remembered with shocking clarity the angel necklace that I had found in a packing box the day before.

It was blue satin, with a light blue angel pendant on it.  I never remembered buying it or receiving it as a gift and as I touched it around my neck, I realised that it was the colour of Archangel Raguel. I then had a clear abrupt vision of my book.  The front cover was a picture of the Earth and human shadows in front of the Earth that depicted the Earth Walkers.

My destiny was to write and learn a new trade, I realised that now.  Write the direct word channeled from The Omnipresence and the angel realms.  My goal was clear.

After that magical night, a shift had taken place.  I let the phone ring on and on as I recognised the debt collectors numbers, smiling knowing that when the time was right, I would take them on and the banks with strength.  I just knew that it would be dealt with when it needed to be. It no longer haunted me. Justice would be done, I would be helped out materially, so all I had to do was focus, heal, fight and write.  I knew without any reservation that I was definitely being carried in the love and safety of the angel realms.

That night I slept like a baby.  They had finally reached me and had stopped the fear that had been eating away at my insides daily.  They were patient, but insistent and finally after all of their efforts, I was getting the message.

I felt truly blessed x

 

 


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Chronic illness, the light and the dark

WRITING BOOKS WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS, WHAT WAS I THINKING, NOTHING MUCH!

‘So what was the inspiration behind your book?’ I sat chewing my pen and had no clue how to answer that question.  I was filling out a questionnaire for a writing consultant and can honestly say that I had no inspiration to write for a living whatsoever.  Weird right?  Most people would most probably have a writing passion from birth or a previous life, lol, but not me!

Don’t get me wrong, I had always loved creative writing and had regular articles in many mainstream UK magazines, but to even think of writing blogs and books was beyond my remit.  You see, I never had a choice, it was thrust upon me in the most weirdest magical way.

THE WONDER OF DREAMS

Divine Intervention

Divine Intervention

In February 2014, I woke up after the most magnificent dream.  I was left in complete euphoria. I was desperately trying to resist my reality as I became more awake. I wanted to sink back into the wondrous pool of fantasy I was mercilessly being dragged from.  The dream was full of angels, miracles, world struggles, heaven and heroes.  ‘It was just a dream!’ You say. No, I haven’t mentioned yet about the fact that I’m a bit different from most people.  Since birth, I have been aware of spirit people, angels and other beings.  I was born into many generations of healers, mediums and psychics before me.  I was taking on a very important legacy that saw me leaving my career as a policeOn the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford detective and travelling globally to teach, demonstrate and investigate the magnificence of the afterlife.  My life was busy but amazing. I was relentless in helping humankind to understand how to cope with the pain of physical loss and understand the eternal journey of the soul.  I worked hard, played hard and loved my life. But oh how the brakes got firmly slammed on that existence!

 

On the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford

ACCIDENT

I had luckily worked my way up to becoming a well respected international medium and the world I saw, was literally my oyster.  But in January 2012, a few seconds changed my life forever. Those few seconds lead me two years later to be single, no career, no social life, homeless, debt laden, bed bound and in the darkest place of my life.  I had been T boned in a road accident by a young girl, that curiously left me in agonising pain on impact and bed bound experiencing the most debilitating exhaustion.  After a year of countless hospital appointments, doctors, specialists and physios, I was diagnosed with trauma related ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia.  I was happy with the diagnosis as I now knew what to fight, but as the months spread into years I realised there was no cure and I was just chasing the next ‘miracle cure’, after the next. Eating impossible diets and drinking every elixir I could get my hands on was my focus in life.  The biggest fight was to grieve my previous life and accept my new one.  I still have days now when I inadvertently find myself on that familiar battle ground.

Me before the accident

Me before the accident

To this.... after the accident

To this…. after the accident

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WRITING CAREER

So inspiration to write books and blogs? None existent.  I was just laying in a dark pool of misery just managing to get through each day through the numerous symptoms of my particular chronic illness.  Full body pain in every joint, nerve and fibre, blurred vision, excrutiating pain with no let up, dizziness, sore throats, brain fog, depression, exhaustion beyond anything I could imagine to name but a few.  The list of symptoms is endless and like a relentless machine crawls it’s way through your whole being in any way it wants despite any efforts to stop it.

The severity of CFS/ME

The severity of CFS/ME

So as I laid in the misery of my reality crying out to the angels or anyone that would listen, then at the eleventh hour, the dream arrived.  I knew the dream I had just had, being lucid and strong,  was a direct message from the angel realms as a loud voice boomed, ‘You shall write what you have dreamt.’   I got up straight after the dream and literally started writing like a woman possessed.  The first six chapters were laid out before me without hardly taking a breath.  I had no brain fog as I wrote and just literally typed out my dream, recalling all of the events with such a startling reality, it would give me goosebumps with every word.  In fact my head is tingling now and I’m goosing up as I write! 🙂  It also felt as if a silent voice was telling me what to write next, it was and still is an intriguing phenomena.  EARTH WALKERS the first book of a trilogy was finished in a matter of months. It was a beautiful way to relay my spiritual knowledge and expertise, fantasy fiction, laced with subliminal spiritual education.

But it hasn’t all been plain sailing.  Sometimes you have not got the strength or the thought process to write.  My hands and fingers can be so swollen and so painful that I couldn’t write even if I tried.  The delicious part was without a doubt though, being able to become absorbed in the writing.  It was like I could escape the confines of my caged body and sail through the realms of fantasy.  I started to see my writing as a kind of ‘fix’.  I started to feel excited that I could take myself away from my reality and bath in the delicious depths of fiction and fantasy.  It also hit me that I could still help people through my words rather than through theatres, television and workshops.  It was a win win situation.

BLOG

I told someone recently about what I am telling you and they said, ‘My God this is amazing, why are you not telling anyone about all of this, your story?  I could just listen to you forever.’  So a few weeks ago I started my first ever regular blog, ‘ME myself and I.  My Soul Diaries.’  Writing the blogs has definitely been cathartic, I have relived the worst time of my life and through faith and miracles can look back and see how far I have come.  I can also reach and hopefully inspire chronic illness sufferers as well as lace my life chronicles with spiritual understanding and the true magic that the celestial realms can bring.

COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

My next stage is to start the frightening step of sending my book out to agents.  But if it originally came from a psychic dream, surely it will flow and get out to where it needs to go?  All I know is, is that chronic illness can rob you of everything, but not your mind and soul.  If your mind is positive, your day can be bright irrespective of whether you are in bed or able to hobble around. However, if you choose to be in the darkness, then you will lay in a morbid pit of misery, despair and loneliness.  IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

If you suffer from chronic illness, reach out, ask for help and love yourself, putting everything second to your physical and mental well being.  If you are surrounded by negative people, extricate them from your life.  Nothing can exacerbate your condition more than stress and a negative environment and people. I have also found chronic illness forums on facebook invaluable and have made some very special friends who totally understand me as they are going through it themselves.  The biggest problem was educating my friends and family about this invisible illness.  If I had a pound for every:

‘But you look well are you better now?’

‘If you just force yourself up and push through it’

‘You should exercise to get moving again’

‘It doesn’t help you sleeping all the time’ (With a subliminal look of accusing you of being lazy)

I would be living in a mansion with a therapy unit, hydrotherapy pool, private therapist, chef and carer!  The beauty of my five year journey has been that I have had a chance to heal and reflect on my relationship with me.  I now love myself in a healthy way and refuse to be put in stressful situations, as I know that when I am exposed to difficult situations, my ‘new brain’ loses the ability to cope.  So I write when I’m able and rest when I should and take every day as it comes.  Be kind to yourself and do not let others judge how you feel or how you should be. Stop any of that nonsense in its tracks.

Love is key, to learn to love yourself and to be surrounded by it is vital.  My grieving process is full circle and I now find myself in the stage of acceptance. But cant lie, I do have wobbly days, I am only human after all! As I write this my lungs are hurting with each breath, my ribs feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand hot needles, my lips are full of cold sores, my feet are on fire and are swollen, my fingers and wrists are aching, BUT I get to share my story with you beautiful people and my office is my bed, writing in my PJ’s next to my two little dogs!  Lucky me!

I do hope that one day there may be a cure or this crippling ailment will leave me, but for the time being I shall stop chasing miracle cures, be the best person that I can be, continue to write and take each day as it comes…

Be Strong, be kind, BE YOU!

Be Strong, be kind, BE YOU!

I wish you strength, love, happiness and peace and hope that my little input has inspired you,

Lots of Love

Nicky Alan xxx


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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 6

YOU ARE TO WRITE WHAT YOU HAVE DREAMT

The Sunday after my bumble bee episode, I accumulated another tool to add to my spiritual itinerary. It seemed that in the last week the heavens were initiating everything they could to get me back in a positive mind space and strength to fight.

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE

My friend randomly said, ‘I don’t know why, but you need to watch this.

Now I had read the book and worked on the exercises contained within it.  This book is priceless, if you find yourself in the wilderness, lost and desperate get this book or watch the DVD.  This book gives you the compass, map and route to find your way home.  When I watched the video, I cried through most of it listening to the individual stories of people’s struggles and triumphs.  It gave me another kick up the backside in wanting to get back on track mentally and spiritually.

YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by LOUISE HAY is a ‘must have’ to adorn your book shelf. It is like my personal bible.

There are such beautiful illustrations in the book and the affirmations and guidance in finding a happier, more contented you, are simply priceless.  I recommend getting the book rather than downloading it as the visual quality of each page can’t be missed!

You can heal your life by Louise Hay

This is the best copy for illustration

This is the best copy for illustration

So now I was ‘working it’ thinking about my life, changing all the negativity into positivity.  Even when the pain became unbearable I would imagine me walking through the Crystal Palace trying to distance myself from my mutinous body.  But believe me it was very difficult in the early days. I had a night just after that Sunday where my reality hit and I felt desolate yet again.

Sometimes in the dark hours your mind works overtime and mine was working like a jet fuelled engine. I cried out and said to whoever wanted to listen ‘I get it, but why? You need to deliver something as I am not going to survive with only stupid little signs, HELP ME!’ I was sobbing like a baby, I just wanted a lifeline, a reason for being.

THE DREAM

Now I know I have already put this story of my dream in a different blog but it is SO incredible I will mention it again.

The following morning after shouting the odds to up above I was awoken by my friend banging my door with the hoover.  I was so frustrated as I was in the middle of the most magnificent dream.  There were tears flooding down my face and my heart was beating out of my chest, I was literally breathless.  The dream was euphoric, the colours, feelings and visions held such a vibrancy I could do nothing but yearn to be back in it’s magnificence.  It was 7.30 so I though I would get a cup of tea and see my friend before she left for work. Well that wasn’t going to happen!

A voice that I recognised as I can only describe as angel vibration mixed with Julianus said , ‘GO BACK TO SLEEP!’

Now, because the spirit world contact us a lot in our dreams I have taken time to study dream phenomena.  Incidentally I have this fab dream analysis site, it is spot on when I look up what my dream means.  When our loved ones and guides can’t reach us in the waking hours they will blend with us during dream state where they can send information without our consciousness interfering and also give us a cuddle! That is why they cope so well as they can be with us whenever they like, but unfortunately for us we can’t, unless we meditate of course..

Here’s a link to the dream site Dream analysis

KATRINA

hurricane-katrian-looters-ap05083005104

 

I have always had intense dreams but I really started to take it seriously when I started to have prophetic dreams.  The one of hundreds that comes to mind was when I dreamt that I was standing on a beach in New Orleans, it was sunny and glorious but then this huge wave washed over me and I was thrashed around until I found myself in this main high street with dead bodies and sharks floating around me.  I looked up and saw a shop sign and it had ‘Katrina’s’ written on it.

A few weeks later hurricane Katrina smashed through New Orleans and when I saw a picture of the high St in New Orleans I was nearly sick. I had seen it coming but who would have listened to me and what could I have changed? I have asked this of Julianus, he said, ‘You are not there to warn, you are there  just listening to the highest vibrations that have shaken through the Universe and of those to come.’

So I now mention it on social media, the dream I have, just to give credit to prophetic dreaming, very frustrating.  I even dream of celebrities, I remember a warning one with Gary Barlow, he was in a bank looking very stressed. I sent him a message on twitter! (Yes I did feel like a nutter!) About a fortnight later he was under investigation for tax evasion. I saw the riots in the UK quite soon before they erupted in our towns and cities, I put it on Facebook and lots of people acknowledged it, which was good.  If it’s to do with a murder though, then I always send what I have to the investigation team, no doubt they chuck it in the bin, but I have done my bit..

I wish we were more like America and psychics were used as help on investigations, as I have had so much information before that came out correct when the perpetrator was eventually caught.

Any way back to my dream, my life changer.

I know that usually we only dream in seconds, but I went back to sleep and awoke 5 hours later on conclusion of the dream.  I was like a woman possessed, it was like returning from oblivion.  The same voice then said, ‘You shall write what you have dreamt’

MY READING

Now I have to take you back a few years, I was getting a reading from a medium called Bill, funnily enough at St Cecilia’s spiritualist church in Rayleigh, Essex. (Remember St Cecilia’s, my home in Rome?)

It was just after I had seen the three men in the window at my first mediumship evening, after I was retired from the police service in 2003.

Bill said to me, ‘You are going to be an important  spiritual teacher and reach thousands of people.  You will also write and this will reach millions.’

I smiled and said thank you, but writing? Nah.  Don’t get me wrong I have always loved creative writing and have always kept a soul journal,  I wrote permanently in my old job, detailed descriptive hundred page statements from rape victims and murder victim families, but books and stuff?  I didn’t think I had it in me.

Recently a consultant from America asked me, ‘What was the inspiration for your book?’  I had to be honest, ‘Erm, a dream? I had no inspiration what so ever!’

WAKING UP

So back to waking up,  still crying from the emotion of the dream, I walked into the lounge and typed the first five chapters then and there.  The words spilled from me like a geyser, exploding out on the white blank document before me.

Even the character names were given to me in a second.  None of it came from my imagination.  I later googled the names out of curiosity.  I was shocked when I saw that the names and descriptions of the characters in the book were the exact people described in the Old Testament, it was surreal.

I was completely obsessed with the story, it was so epic and so unbelievably reflective of our planet that I was humbled as I wrote.  I then learned as I was given more and more information that it was not only going to become a book it was to be a trilogy.  I even started getting visions of the actors that would play the characters! (Gerard Butler, Archangel Michael, lol)

Now and then  the human part of me whispered my concerns and fears, ‘This will never be published, agents will laugh at your effort, one in a million chance, blah blah blah.’ The lion part of the soul, is what Julianus calls it.

But then the spiritual part of me was screaming, ‘This has been channelled from the Heavens, you are their messenger, this is what they want you to tell humankind. To educate them through fiction.’ That was the mouse talking.  More about the mouse and the lion another time!

LIFE PATH CHANGE

My life path from that single dream had been changed in a dramatic way.  I now had something to focus on, something to work on during the lonely hours and a dream of being a published writer of this type of fiction.  I couldn’t reach the masses from the stages any longer, but I possibly could through my words.  I was already doing that through articles in magazines but certainly not on an epic scale such as a trilogy!

It was an epiphany.  It hit me like a bolt of lightening, as I then remembered that reading from St Cecilia’s. ‘You shall write for millions’ this spurred me on and in a few months the first book was finished.

If you have read my other blog entry from ages ago, you will know that I have been provided with an unusual mentor! I was told by Julianus that Elizabeth Bowen was helping me. I googled her, she was a Victorian supernatural fiction writer!

elizabeth

The reason why I have been told to do this in fiction is because Julianus explained that it would reach more people.  It would be a fictional story but laced with angelic and celestial fact throughout the plot.  Genuis!

So the plot involving forbidden love, action, death, evil, love and all things juicy has an important message laced within it.  We need a HUGE wake up call, we have to realise that as a species we are killing ourselves and our planet and things have to change.

As I write this I am getting goose bumps, as the magic of the book seriously transports you.  I furtively asked one of my best friends mum, Lin to read it and critique it.  I knew I would get honesty and harsh critique if I deserved it.

She had read the first few chapters and I approached her like I was facing a headmistress with my homework.

‘Did you like it then Lin?’ I asked holding my breath.

She turned around and burst into tears and was speechless!

I think that’s a yes then! lol.

So now I had to reinvent myself as a creditable writer.  I cannot tell you the times I have re read and re written the first book.

COLUMN

The other thing I had niggling me was how was I going to get it out there, how was I to get an agent?

Back in November last year, the 7th to be precise, I  remembered that most writers with a media presence are always asked by agents if they have a column. Apparently for some reason its important.  Well I had nothing like that.  I had been out of the loop for four years, I was starting to panic.

I sent a silent thought up to Archangel Gabriel and said, ‘You know my concerns, I need some help please if you want your message to get out.‘ It didn’t occur to me that I had sent this SOS up on a very spiritually numbered day, 7 11.

THE ANGELS DELIVER

book-angel

We have heard you

The following morning I woke up in pain but planned to start researching agents to approach.  Then I sighed and had one of those Lion moments,  ‘You have no chance, you are wasting your time and limited energy,’ said the roaring beast.  Then my phone beeped and I sat reading in complete shock what had just been sent to me.

I was asked to be the columnist in Fate and Fortune as the Psychic Detective! How the hell had that happened?  I had not been working for years, but here it was in black and white. Tears of gratitude coursed down my face as I raised my eyes  to the sky and choked  ‘Wow you work fast! Thank you‘ to Archangel Gabriel.  To be asked was an honour and obviously I adore my subject matter, investigating mysteries!

They were helping me, they had heard me, I was going to get this book out, I just knew it.

My Column as The Psychic Detective

My Column as The Psychic Detective

So in your darkest times, especially battling chronic illness, whether you believe in angels or not ask them for help, what’s the worst that can happen?

So back to 2014, as I proceeded along my boot camp schedule, writing frenzied chapters and trying to cope, I realised one day that I had committed to a spiritual retreat in Kent, I sank into a dreaded blackness. How the hell was I going to do it or get out of it?  It had been honoured and sold out for a year, I desperately didn’t want to let the students down, but I was far too ill.

I also met someone that little did I know was going to walk my path as my Earth Angel.

Footnote: I apologise for accidentally sending this out before I had edited it.  As you would have seen, I am writing on a brain fog day, so for me it’s harder than most to write! xx

 


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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 5

THE BATTLE OF THE MIND

I awoke the following morning and felt excited looking back on my visit from Julianus and the drum healing.

I decided to get up and get a cup of tea but as soon as I started to lift my head, I felt like I was wearing a suit of armour with my head banging like an incessant drum (pardon the pun!) so I laid back down again.

EVERY morning you get the same quiz show challenge.  It’s called ‘What’s wrong with my body today.’  No matter how happy you feel when you first open your eyes you get a vicious reminder of your chronic condition within minutes. That’s why you can NEVER make plans as you never know what you are going to wake up like. I have lost count of the times I have cancelled things because of my game show existence.

ME with ME

 

img_8271

Invisible disease?

This was a picture of me one morning when I woke up and couldn’t open my eye. It was like a ninja had popped stealthily in during the night and punched me in the face!  I had blurred vision anyway so couldn’t see a thing. I just wanted to show you that this invisible disease isn’t quite so invisible, but we never like to ordinarily display these sort of pictures.  The following morning the bruising and swelling and lack of vision disappeared as if I had imagined the whole thing!

So this particular morning, I had light sensitivity where it felt like the sun was about a centimetre from my face, ringing in my ears, a banging head, every single muscle and joint was singing in pain and I felt like my lungs were too tired to inflate and deflate.  This is when the panic attacks start as you feel you can’t breathe properly.  There are at least 200 symptoms to this condition and I think over the last five years I have experienced every single one of them.  So I nearly sank into my dismal existence of sadness, misery and futility.

But something changed that morning, there was a tiny flicker of hope that could possibly fan into a bigger hungry flame if I let it. So rather than cry or start screaming how unfair it all was, I thought, ‘Sod it, if it’s a DVD day then so be it!’ I found a sort of calm or acceptance of it all.  You will find that chronic illness sufferers have watched every single thing that can be shown on screen. We are like starved animals craving the next meaty morsel on the screen to carry us away from our mundane existence.  We are the best film, TV and show critics in the world as when you are house/bed bound most days, there is simply nothing else to do. Films and box sets become a part of your life.  They provide escapism and a fantasy of living in the life of what you are watching. It’s a great distraction.

Oh come on, there’s nothing like a bit of img_8326indulgence 😉 Daryl helped me through many bad days lol!

 

 

TRICK OF THE MIND

 

I started to see a little bit of clarity.  I started to see that I was the pilot of my own mind, I could plummet into a valley screaming ‘MAYDAY’ or soar into the expanse of a never ending sky.

I remember once Julianus saying to me, ‘You are so tunnel visioned when human! It is simple, no matter what happens on the Earth plain you have two choices, to either walk in the desert, forever uncomfortable starving and thirsty, or you can walk in the oasis in the shade with the delights of thirst and hunger sated and a pool to dive in. Why do you all choose the desert when life gives you a challenge?’

Why walk in the desert?

Why walk in the desert?

 

 

 

 

 

No comparison really is there?

img_8328

 

 

 

 

 

It was then that I realised that as I almost started to get a bit of self pity a past simple observation of human life from Julianus hit me so clearly then and there.  Was I getting back the direct line I had always heard from above?  I hoped so as there is nothing worse than feeling alone with no inner voice guiding and nurturing you.

 

THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE

 

I then started to hear a humming sound and thought with despair that my ears were getting worse! I would like to add at this juncture that the reason I knew my symptoms on that exact day was because I used to keep a chronic illness app and recorded my symptoms daily to try and find a pattern. It proved to be about as useful as a trap door in a canoe for me but I know that it has helped others! The word that comes to mind is UNPREDICTABLE!  There is no logic to what your brain and central nervous system decide to do every morning.  No chart or pattern on an app explained my raging symptoms or how to prevent relapse.  To be honest though, my relapses were permanent.

So this incessant humming grew louder and I raised my weary head up to see what the hell it was.  I tottered around like a 90 year old trying to find the source when I realised that it was a bumble bee caught in the net curtain. I thought this as a bit odd as I certainly hadn’t had the window open, it was February! I also hadn’t heard the bee before that at all.  So I got a bit of paper and gently let the bee out of the window.

Nothing unusual in that you say!

How about the fact that the three following mornings there was a bumble bee again buzzing merrily in my ears that I had to rescue each consecutive day?  Four days in a row! It was only on the fourth day that it twigged.

 

ANIMAL TOTEM

 

Animal totems are something I was introduced to years ago after I had a meditation and one of my other guides Khan (I will introduce him to you another day) kept putting a bear skin over me with the head still intact.  I have to say that when I met him, my heart sank, he was a Native American, ‘Oh good God,’ I thought, ‘Everyone has Native American guides!’ It was later explained to me by Khan, that the Native American race had such a vast population of spiritual light workers in the past and now that of course a lot of us mediums and healers were going to be lumbered with them, how quaint!

Anyway, bear skin, I bloody hated it, but it went on for weeks and weeks.  Then one of my students said to me, ‘He must be making you aware of your current spirit animal totem.’ Bit embarrassing I know I should have known as the tutor, but if you know me, you know I NEVER have and never will read up to learn about spiritual and angelic phenomena.  I get it straight from upstairs and will only read something if I need to understand it more.

So when my student brought an animal totem book in the following week, I raced straight for the bear page and was totally gob smacked. The message that the bear brought was like a personal reading for me.  As soon as I had acknowledged the bear totem, Khan never placed it on me again. It’s a very Native American based phenomena it seems, animal totems are exceptionally important to them.

When an animal or insect repeatedly shows itself to you in an unnatural way, then google it, trust me you will be amazed.

I was never much of a believer in it but when it starts to enter your life all reasonable explanation goes out the window, they literally will stay with you until you get the message! I have had robins follow me home, a sparrow hawk sit on my door handle staring at me, a dragon fly land on my lap and stay there for 20 minutes, butterflies landing on my face and staying there, I could go on and on.  The most recent one was the 5 Feb, the anniversary of my dad’s passing.  I had just realised the date and said out loud, ‘You are a bit lazy dad you normally do something on your anniversary!’ Within a second a buzzard landed on the hedge next to me and just stared right into my soul.

I merely answered ‘Ok that was good, love you!’ I then googled the meaning of a buzzard, it made perfect sense.

Your spirit loved ones can also send animals as a sign from them. From my experience the favourites are butterflies, robins, dragonflies, lady birds or sometimes their favourite animal.  But remember they have to act unnaturally or visit on a certain time regularly or in the most unusual circumstances to be a totem.  Keep a look out!

So back to the bumble bee. This was it’s message:

220px-bumblebee_05

 

‘All bumble bees are productive, they stay focused on whatever they are doing and do not get side tracked.  We are being reminded to slow down, smell the flowers and taste the sweet nectar of life.  If your energy is scattered the bumblebee can show you how to focus once more.’

 

So the message was simple, to start to appreciate the finer things in life and to stay focused on the positive and the way forward.  I will never forget those four bumblebees as they did help me to bring my mind back to positivity when I found myself starting to slip down the treacherous ravine that lead to nothing but a ghostly darkness in it’s merciless pit.

It didn’t always work, sometimes I was beyond grief and despair and would isolate and hibernate, in fact I still do.  I’m doing it right this very minute in fact, I have no energy to speak or communicate with anyone, so I write slowly and surely, until I am too exhausted to type.  But now I don’t feel guilty about it, I need my time alone until I heal and feel strong enough to start communicating again, all of my close friends understand, but there’s one particular one (Nicky!) who gives me a four day pass then demands a reply to make sure I’m ok.  Whether I’m crying, talking gibberish because my brain isn’t working, or just answering in one word answers, she understands.  She is the only one that gets away with it, lol.  I no longer see these dark days as a failure, I respect them as healthy grieving days and a way of exercising my boundaries and needs to regroup, look at my options and heal.

 

So my little bumble bees helped me to see the positive in every little thing, which I never did before, I was far too busy.  Now I sit and watch the birds eating away at their bird table, or I watch the logs burning for hours in the fireplace, breath in the smell of the fields or the view of Glastonbury Tor, or I write, taking myself into my world of fantasy and escapism and of course the world of box sets!  I saw a gift in my illness that I had never appreciated before, the chance to stop, relax and reflect on the past and discover a new me.  Perhaps I was not only being stripped bare of my old life and my material world, I was being stripped bare of everything that was morosely clinging to my spirit like a strangling vine, choking my life force within an inch of it’s life.

 

BOOT CAMP

 

The next year was a revelation and a mountainous trek, I was not prepared for the healing that my soul decided to initiate.  It was like the spiritual boot camp from hell.  I was going to be dragged through every trauma of my life once and for all and have it exorcised.  It took me to the extremities of my mind, body and soul, but as all exorcisms do, the demons were finally starting to pack their bags, steal the towels and check out!

I was also not prepared in any way, that as the tangled threads unwound, how much I could truly experience the pure power of the spirit world and the angel realms.

‘Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so let us all be thankful’

Buddha


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What happens when we pass?

Hi all,
I have been recently speaking to a young lady who is tragically terminally ill. I know it is not the most positive of subjects at Christmas time but we may be unfortunate enough to have seriously ill relatives and friends at this time of the year.
I decided to send her some excerpts from my book HEAVEN CALLING
and from my book series EARTH WALKERS (fiction with spiritual fact) to try and give her an idea of what happens when we pass and perhaps a human picture of how heaven has been shown to me.
After I sent the email I thought I might share it with you all, in the hope that whoever needs it can be a little further educated on the process and receive comfort from it.
I fear it is a little long winded as I don’t think that I can send the chapters as an attachment on a post.
So if you have five minutes, it would be my honour and pleasure for you to have a read 🙂
Love N xxxx

ch-1-what-happens-when-we-die 14-the-omnipresence 23-matta

13-the-crystal-palace

14-the-omnipresence

23-matta


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