Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

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Time to set sail away from this space

Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

SURRENDER IS THE KEY, DENIAL IS YOUR PRISON

The visit of that lovely spirit lady raised my vibration in a big way.  It gave me impetus to start looking at my life and make some pivotal decisions.  I needed to start facing reality and realise that this was my new life.  It was nothing like my old life but I started thinking that I needed to reach out for help.  I needed to find ways to help myself and set goals that were reasonable and manageable with my condition.  I was starting to pull away the threads of denial.  I was disabled, in need of serious support and I needed to own the reality of being a sufferer of a chronic condition that was not going to go away any time soon.

Time to set sail away from this space

Time to set sail away from this space

The first thing that I did was change my GP.  It was one of the best decisions ever.  My new doctor was very empathic and completely understanding of ME and fibro sufferers.  He was open to any treatments and exceptionally supportive.  He even allowed me to phone him whenever I wished as he knew I couldn’t get to the surgery easily.  The next thing I did was call the local community care team who were brilliant.  They provided me with equipment that assisted bathing and every day things that I couldn’t manage.  My carer would regularly visit and help me with absolutely anything I needed, even if it was just a therapeutic chat.  These two phone calls took a long time to do, as I found coping with change and reaching out into the world very difficult but was so pleased with myself when I did.  I also got a cleaner as I couldn’t risk using my energy up cleaning. I arranged a massage therapist to visit my home when I was up to it to soothe my agonised muscles. I arranged a dog walker.  It was an absolute joy to watch Teddy and Mia sit at the gate waiting for the dog walker to arrive.  It was like they had a sixth sense.  They knew the days he was coming along with three other fur babies and would sit patiently listening out for his car.

BABY STEPS LEAD TO GIANT CHANGE

I felt strengthened by these tiny little steps.  I would always recommend tiny goals to set yourself that are MANAGEABLE, even if just one gets ticked off in a week, it’s a step in the right direction.

Out on their walks

Out on their walks

Walkies!

Walkies!

The next thing I set myself to do was reach out and find forums that had members coping with chronic illness.  It was one of the best things I did.  On Facebook I met a beautiful group, The Barmy girls who were from all over the world.  We don’t sit wailing and moaning, we cheer each other up and support each other.  So during my lonely nights there was always someone to talk to.  There are many support forums on Facebook for chronic illness sufferers, I cannot recommend them enough.  You also get fabulous advice and suggestions from hollistic remedies to updates on new drugs that are out.  I love those girls so much and what also helps is that they totally understand everything I am going through.  The most heart breaking thing is people not understanding your condition and making judgement.  I then started to reach out and tell me friends that I needed help.  Very slowly my ‘coping’ armour was taken off piece by piece.  When I couldn’t feed myself or cope, rather than starve or just eat biscuits I went and stayed at my friends’ Leigh Ann and Lynn’s house.  I allowed myself to be weak and frail, I allowed them to bring me cups of tea and lunch.  It felt alien but God I felt so much better admitting to people I had a debilitating condition that I couldn’t manage alone.  I changed my eating habits and did every diet that was recommended, but to be honest I felt no benefits from any of them but I still take the following health supplements:

Coenzyme Q10, Ubiquinol (Highest strength you can get), Vitamin D, Busy B’s, Cod Liver Oil, Glucasamine Sulphate (Has to be with Chondroitin), Magnesium (an absolute must!) and K2 which helps distribute the magnesium into your body.

ESSENTIAL OILS ARE ESSENTIAL!

I also find Epsom salt baths fantastic.  Put about four scoops in and to help your body even more, drop five to nine drops of essential oils into the last scoop.  I always use Lavender oil for pain relief and anti inflammatory as well as Bergamot which is a natural antidepressant.  In fact I burn essential oils all day and every day.  I studied the ones that particularly help my symptoms and they also make the house smell lush!

My friend also found this for me.  It is a very soothing oil mixture to rub on the most painful parts of your body.

DILUTE THE FOLLOWING INTO 30 ml OF OIL (ALMOND/VEGETABLE/CARRIER OIL)

5 DROPS THYME

10 DROPS ROSEMARY

5 DROPS CYPRESS

10 DROPS EUCALYPTUS

10 DROPS PEPPERMINT

Here’s a link to get you started on your path to the magic of essential oils   oils https://draxe.com/essential-oils-guide/

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

I also do juicing when I am feeling up to it for breakfast in my Nutribullet (another tip from my Facebook friends, thanks Paula!).  The most important things to add to your fruit/veg juice is nutmeg, cinnamon, turmeric, ginger.  These  all  have anti inflammatory and pain relief qualities.  I had indigestion and tummy problems for three years until one of my friends on my forum recommended fresh ginger.  My discomfort was gone within hours.  I also don’t drink alcohol and drink water like it is coming out of my ears.  I also have a thirst for Earl Grey tea.  I later found it was made from Bergamot, an anti depressant, so my body was telling me what it wanted.  The good thing about this new brain/ body is that you become so in sync with your body that your intuition tells you what you need.  I have never listened to my body and mind so much in all of my life.  It does cry out for sugar a lot, so even though it is bad I answer it’s call.  If there’s something it doesn’t want it’s normal rejected straight away!  I like things now that I never did before my illness like chocolate, coffee, green tea, ginger, but on the flip side things I adored do not agree with me anymore i.e wine, southern fried chicken, normal tea, strong spices.

THE EPIPHANY

Amazingly through this process I came to a striking revelation.  All of the advice I had doled out to thousands of people as a police officer and medium, I was now doing it for myself.  I had never thought to love and care for myself before.  I had never meditated every day or stopped and appreciated living in the moment.  I had never spoken to or lived such a spiritual existence.  The thorny vines of this illness curse were actually starting to bloom small flowers of positivity.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It has crashed for a reason, it is up to you to find out what it needs.  But remember we are all different and some things work better than others. Depression hits like a steam train with no warning.  All GP’s will prescribe you with some form of anti depressant.  They have found that apparently it helps with the nerve pain.  It will usually be something like prozac, fluoxetine or duloxetine.  I was not happy being prescribed with these drugs but I had no choice.  Be open to anything that will help you.

A HAPPY MIND MAKES A HAPPY BUNNY

But, there is one thing that will be the biggest battle of your life.  Your mindset.  I still struggle now but have improved a hundred fold in the last couple of years.  You have to find ways to keep you happy on the bed ridden days.  This can be music, comedy on the TV,  jigsaw puzzles, home crafts, adult colouring, meditation. You have to keep your mind busy because it will slowly descend into blackness if you do not find ways to keep yourself afloat mentally on the very bad days.

Why do you think I write this blog? lol 🙂

Curl up with a good book

Curl up with a good book

Obviously if your eyes and brain fog can cope, a good book is a must.  I go through hundreds of books, it’s a great way to escape.  But the most important thing is educating your loved ones.  The biggest problem I see from other sufferers is the lack of understanding by friends and family and them permanently trying to justify this invisible illness to them.  They are in more denial than you are.  If your husband/mum/mate is subtly referring to you as lazy, forcing you to get up and do things or insisting you get a grip, you need to start putting your foot down. They will NEVER understand how it feels.  They will never fully appreciate that every single second of every single day you are in pain somewhere or everywhere with no let up.  They can’t possibly understand that as soon as you stand, gravity pulls you down into a heavy, claustrophobic exhaustive suit that will not disappear and cannot be removed.  Tell them your feelings.  Tell them you need help.  Tell them to read up on what you are suffering with.  If they refuse to acknowledge your predicament, you have to make some serious decisions.  You CANNOT be surrounded by judgemental people who make you feel useless.  I am so lucky that my friends are understanding.  The ones who weren’t have diminished which is fine by me.  I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

DON’T SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY

Unbelievably a lot of my friends in the last few years have been diagnosed with the same condition!  It is a very common pandemic that the health organisation and society have to wake up to.  The most incredible thing was, my friend Jay got diagnosed with ME. So we now hold each other up on the bad days. Us meeting was meant to be.  My old friend Nicky also was diagnosed along with FIVE others.  We have very interesting conversations normally starting with, “What’s wrong with you today!”

Be kind to yourself.  Admit you have a serious chronic condition and ADAPT.  You have to grieve your old life and find ways to survive in the new one that has befallen you.  There is no cure for this illness.  Don’t chase the next ‘miracle treatment’.  Cope with what you have, gain control and make yourself as comfortable as possible.

It is no mean feat but together we can continually fight this relentless beast.

Reach out, ask for help and love yourself.  On the bad days keep your mind busy and if you need to sleep all day, DO IT! On the good days don’t overdo it or you will find yourself in bed for days or weeks after.  We all do it though, it’s called booming and busting.

YOUR RIGHTS

I was no longer going out, buying clothes or spending money on normal life things so every penny I had went on helping me.  If you find as I did that you cannot work, you are entitled to benefits.  You can apply for PIP which is a living allowance for disabled people.  I also got a blue badge for my car and owned the fact that even though my title was ‘disabled’ I was still the same person but just needed a little help. Don’t suffer in silence like I did for three long years.

All of these achievements took ages to deal with and arrange.  But I felt so much stronger in myself and felt I had established some sort of control of my life.

However, I was still on Morphine, Gabapentin, Cocodamol, Ibuprofen, Duloxetine and Paracetamol.  I was eating them like smarties, but pain was still a constant companion.

A MESSAGE FROM HEAVEN

My clever Nan

My clever Nan

It took a visitation from my nan one night on the 27th July, to change my life considerably.  I will never forget the night that I saw the spirit of  her bustle across my landing, turn around and radically change my day to day life by saying three little  words……


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My Totem Ladybird

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 9

FRIENDSHIP, NIGHTMARES AND THE LADYBIRD

I woke up and I was breathing like I had just ran a marathon.  I was soaked in sweat and felt like I had just been dragged from a time warp, a time in the past that I had never wanted to return to, ever.

During my teens after my dad had passed my mum unfortunately married, what I can only describe as nothing short of an animal.  Every day was like walking on egg shells hoping to appease him to prevent his frenzied violent attacks.  Fear roamed the corridors of our home like a malevolent shadow, waiting for any excuse to manifest itself.  I had along with other traumas, thought that I had dealt with this time in my life with therapy, but obviously not, as I was being taken back to that time every time I fell asleep.

The nightmares were so real that I thought I was dissolving into some sort of breakdown.  I was back as a teenager, angry, frustrated and  in the fear and terror of his vitriolic words, sneers and violence.  I just couldn’t work out why this was happening.  It was 1 Jan 2015 and I could see nothing but a black year ahead.  I just couldn’t shake out of it.  I was feeling like a victim again with the nightmares bringing all of my worried thoughts and innermost fears to the surface.  Why was I being made to suffer? The state I was in made me even more prone to not answering the phone.  It would buzz silently by my side but I refused to connect to the outside world, not even my closest friends had access, including Jay.  I couldn’t cope with talking, having any conversation or projecting my misery onto anyone else. I was isolating and I knew it.

THE LADYBIRD

My Totem Ladybird

My Totem Ladybird

As I went to grab my glass of water I was just about to take a sip and nearly swallowed a ladybird.  I carefully took it out of the inner rim of the glass and placed it onto the windowsill.  I then went back to sleep as the insomnia was horrific so most days I slept all day.

I woke up about 9pm fed my poor babies and was wide awake.  I had had yet another nightmare but chose to put it to the back of my mind as I literally ‘lost’ myself in Lost, a mysterious show where people are marooned on a very strange island.  I could hear a flickering sound and after a while realised that it was coming from under my lampshade.  It was the lady bird again.  Fearing she may burn on the light bulb, I caught her and took her downstairs to the lounge.

 

THE CEMETERY

I then decided to walk through the cemetery so the dogs could get a run.  Looking back on it, anyone from the road would have thought they had seen a ghost! I was in a white hooded dressing gown and carrying a torch!  I found a weird sense of solace sitting there in the silence under the starlit sky and the moon.  With no superficial light it felt ethereal.  I used to have many conversations with the angels there, in the black velvet of night.  But I never seemed to get an answer.  I felt an irony in that place, I felt like a ghost drifting through time and space with no specific goal or reason. It was so peaceful. I could understand why I had been given this space.

easebourne_cemetery_at_night_by_yoshi_1981

My starlit sanctuary

 

DIVINE INTERVENTION

When I walked back into the house, I of course went straight back to bed.  I saw something in the corner of my eye and saw that the ladybird was sitting on my pillow.  It just didn’t click, but remember the bumble bee?  So I huffed, lifted her up again and put her on the windowsill behind the net curtain.  I must have drifted off as at exactly 2.22 am I woke up and what was sitting on my hand?  The ladybird. I checked to see if this was a second ladybird, but there was nothing behind the net curtain, I recognised the markings anyway. It then finally hit me that this was a totem.  I googled it:

A ladybird heralds a time of luck.  Higher goals and new heights are possible.  Worries begin to dissipate.  New happiness will come about.  Don’t go too fast or try too hard to fulfil your dreams.  Let things flow at a natural pace.  In due course wishes come true.  Leave your worries behind you.  Do not be scared to live your own truth.  Protect your truth and know that it is yours to honour.

So it was about accepting my situation and allowing the processes to flow and resting throughout.  It was also telling me that I had to accept me and my new truth. It was to be difficult as I had always been driven to be the best at everything I did, as being good at doing nothing was the hugest obstacle I had to overcome.  It then hit me, was I being healed from my abuse trauma? Was there still a recess somewhere in my soul that tenaciously protected the memories and experiences of that trauma and they were finally being exorcised for good?  Was this part of the boot camp?  So many questions, but I just didn’t have the answers.

What I will say is these nightmares paved way to something magnificent and another tool to my itinerary that would prove useful in future years.  I just couldn’t see it at the time.  As for the luck and happiness to come, it was exactly right, but again I was in the black and at that moment in time there was no flicker of light to help me along my dark tunnel of isolation and misery.

I then googled 222:

222 as an angel number is one of the more common sequences shown to those who are awakening to the presence and guidance from the angelic realm.

The Angel Number 222 has a very significant and powerful vibration. It contains the attributes of 2 and 22, the Master Builder Number of inspiration, big ideas and the focus and persistence needed to manifest big dreams into reality.

222 as an Angel Number has to do with manifestation, keeping in balance, and creating blessings on a huge and global scale.

When you repetitively see 222, it’s a message from the angels that you’re on the right track. You’re in the right place at the right time. Stay positive, know that your angels are supporting you, but remember to ask for angelic assistance.

222 offers assurance that things are and will work out for the best when you focus on your desired outcome, stay positive, go with the flow, and continue taking steps in creating your desired result.

The Angel Number 222 is a reminder to keep the faith, to stay focused on what you want rather than what you do not, and to trust that all is well, and everything is working out according to Divine will for the highest and greatest good.

How inspiring!  It was a perfect explanation of my circumstances and my dream of publishing Earth Walkers, and just to back this up when I went back to sleep, I had another very lucid dream, another story that I was to write.  It is called Coffin Crashers and is a romantic adult comedy ficton about two girls who work in a funeral home and gate crash the funerals to find love!  It also enables me to bring in facts about the afterlife and the journey of our soul.  It’s an excellent story.  So perhaps I was being taken onto a new more creative path?  Becoming a writer of fantasy fiction?  Who knew.

The next three weeks brought the most horrific nightmares connected to my past, but miraculously, the dreams started to change.  By the end of this particular part of my spiritual boot camp, healing abuse, including an attack I experienced when I was 7, I found I was taking control of each dream and in the end won over the attacker and my mum’s ex husband.  After a few nights of me being the victor.  The nightmares stopped.

Yes I was indeed being healed finally of this past trauma.  It made me realise that perhaps the shadows in my soul were being erased in order for me to be clear, light and ready for my new spiritual work.

FRIENDSHIP

The morning after the last victorious nightmare, I went down to the front door to let the dogs out.  There on the doorstep was a basket full of food.  There was no note, no clue to who had left it there, it was just full of essentials that I needed.  As I put my arm up to steady myself by the front door, the ladybird was sitting on my arm.  I started to cry, I felt so grateful and most of all loved and thought of.  The food parcels, cooked meals and toiletries were left regularly on the doorstep.  I may not be reaching out, but I was being cared for in a most magical way.  I can honestly say, I would not be where I am now without my friends.

Never underestimate the true power of genuine friendship.  These are the beautiful souls who will be there for the highlights and the shadows.  I have found that my close friends are my family, my soul cluster.  Even though I hadn’t learned it yet, they were and are my lifeline.  Please if you suffer from a chronic illness, reach out to your friends, they are just waiting for you to ask, trust me.  There is no weakness in asking for help, if anything it is a refusal of self love and self care.  I still struggle, but I am getting there!

SUPPORT

I would also like to add, that if you have been the victim of any abuse or trauma, it may still be held in your soul as a shadow, even though you think you may have dealt with it, it could still be affecting your life now.

Please consider counselling if you are open to this type of therapy.  There are many other holistic ways through hypnosis, NLP, healing, CBT etc.

 

Archangel Raphael

Archangel Raphael

Ask Archangel Raphael to help heal your way forward.  It doesn’t have to be a specific prayer, just give him permission to come and help you.  He works on a beautiful green ray of light.  Imagine this colour in your head as you ask him to come and help you.

Archangel Michael, the warrior, is also a good Archangel to call upon, on a radiant blue light he can help you move forward with strength and focus and help cut any ties that bind you to the past.

Archangel Michael

Archangel Michael

 

Generally in the next few days you will get a specific sign from them to say that they had answered your call.  It can be anything to a feather delivered in an unnatural environment, an angel symbol or anything that will hit you as ‘weird’ or a representation of the angel realms!

Don’t allow your past to create your present and your future.  get rid of it once and for all.

 

My tale of the lady bird was a sad one, I found out she needed to be hibernated.  I placed her in a matchbox and put her in the porch but found her dead in the spring.  I was so upset!  But in her death, it almost felt symbolic, like there was a death of part of me which could surely only lead to resurrection…..


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