Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

  • -
Time to set sail away from this space

Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

SURRENDER IS THE KEY, DENIAL IS YOUR PRISON

The visit of that lovely spirit lady raised my vibration in a big way.  It gave me impetus to start looking at my life and make some pivotal decisions.  I needed to start facing reality and realise that this was my new life.  It was nothing like my old life but I started thinking that I needed to reach out for help.  I needed to find ways to help myself and set goals that were reasonable and manageable with my condition.  I was starting to pull away the threads of denial.  I was disabled, in need of serious support and I needed to own the reality of being a sufferer of a chronic condition that was not going to go away any time soon.

Time to set sail away from this space

Time to set sail away from this space

The first thing that I did was change my GP.  It was one of the best decisions ever.  My new doctor was very empathic and completely understanding of ME and fibro sufferers.  He was open to any treatments and exceptionally supportive.  He even allowed me to phone him whenever I wished as he knew I couldn’t get to the surgery easily.  The next thing I did was call the local community care team who were brilliant.  They provided me with equipment that assisted bathing and every day things that I couldn’t manage.  My carer would regularly visit and help me with absolutely anything I needed, even if it was just a therapeutic chat.  These two phone calls took a long time to do, as I found coping with change and reaching out into the world very difficult but was so pleased with myself when I did.  I also got a cleaner as I couldn’t risk using my energy up cleaning. I arranged a massage therapist to visit my home when I was up to it to soothe my agonised muscles. I arranged a dog walker.  It was an absolute joy to watch Teddy and Mia sit at the gate waiting for the dog walker to arrive.  It was like they had a sixth sense.  They knew the days he was coming along with three other fur babies and would sit patiently listening out for his car.

BABY STEPS LEAD TO GIANT CHANGE

I felt strengthened by these tiny little steps.  I would always recommend tiny goals to set yourself that are MANAGEABLE, even if just one gets ticked off in a week, it’s a step in the right direction.

Out on their walks

Out on their walks

Walkies!

Walkies!

The next thing I set myself to do was reach out and find forums that had members coping with chronic illness.  It was one of the best things I did.  On Facebook I met a beautiful group, The Barmy girls who were from all over the world.  We don’t sit wailing and moaning, we cheer each other up and support each other.  So during my lonely nights there was always someone to talk to.  There are many support forums on Facebook for chronic illness sufferers, I cannot recommend them enough.  You also get fabulous advice and suggestions from hollistic remedies to updates on new drugs that are out.  I love those girls so much and what also helps is that they totally understand everything I am going through.  The most heart breaking thing is people not understanding your condition and making judgement.  I then started to reach out and tell me friends that I needed help.  Very slowly my ‘coping’ armour was taken off piece by piece.  When I couldn’t feed myself or cope, rather than starve or just eat biscuits I went and stayed at my friends’ Leigh Ann and Lynn’s house.  I allowed myself to be weak and frail, I allowed them to bring me cups of tea and lunch.  It felt alien but God I felt so much better admitting to people I had a debilitating condition that I couldn’t manage alone.  I changed my eating habits and did every diet that was recommended, but to be honest I felt no benefits from any of them but I still take the following health supplements:

Coenzyme Q10, Ubiquinol (Highest strength you can get), Vitamin D, Busy B’s, Cod Liver Oil, Glucasamine Sulphate (Has to be with Chondroitin), Magnesium (an absolute must!) and K2 which helps distribute the magnesium into your body.

ESSENTIAL OILS ARE ESSENTIAL!

I also find Epsom salt baths fantastic.  Put about four scoops in and to help your body even more, drop five to nine drops of essential oils into the last scoop.  I always use Lavender oil for pain relief and anti inflammatory as well as Bergamot which is a natural antidepressant.  In fact I burn essential oils all day and every day.  I studied the ones that particularly help my symptoms and they also make the house smell lush!

My friend also found this for me.  It is a very soothing oil mixture to rub on the most painful parts of your body.

DILUTE THE FOLLOWING INTO 30 ml OF OIL (ALMOND/VEGETABLE/CARRIER OIL)

5 DROPS THYME

10 DROPS ROSEMARY

5 DROPS CYPRESS

10 DROPS EUCALYPTUS

10 DROPS PEPPERMINT

Here’s a link to get you started on your path to the magic of essential oils   oils https://draxe.com/essential-oils-guide/

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

I also do juicing when I am feeling up to it for breakfast in my Nutribullet (another tip from my Facebook friends, thanks Paula!).  The most important things to add to your fruit/veg juice is nutmeg, cinnamon, turmeric, ginger.  These  all  have anti inflammatory and pain relief qualities.  I had indigestion and tummy problems for three years until one of my friends on my forum recommended fresh ginger.  My discomfort was gone within hours.  I also don’t drink alcohol and drink water like it is coming out of my ears.  I also have a thirst for Earl Grey tea.  I later found it was made from Bergamot, an anti depressant, so my body was telling me what it wanted.  The good thing about this new brain/ body is that you become so in sync with your body that your intuition tells you what you need.  I have never listened to my body and mind so much in all of my life.  It does cry out for sugar a lot, so even though it is bad I answer it’s call.  If there’s something it doesn’t want it’s normal rejected straight away!  I like things now that I never did before my illness like chocolate, coffee, green tea, ginger, but on the flip side things I adored do not agree with me anymore i.e wine, southern fried chicken, normal tea, strong spices.

THE EPIPHANY

Amazingly through this process I came to a striking revelation.  All of the advice I had doled out to thousands of people as a police officer and medium, I was now doing it for myself.  I had never thought to love and care for myself before.  I had never meditated every day or stopped and appreciated living in the moment.  I had never spoken to or lived such a spiritual existence.  The thorny vines of this illness curse were actually starting to bloom small flowers of positivity.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It has crashed for a reason, it is up to you to find out what it needs.  But remember we are all different and some things work better than others. Depression hits like a steam train with no warning.  All GP’s will prescribe you with some form of anti depressant.  They have found that apparently it helps with the nerve pain.  It will usually be something like prozac, fluoxetine or duloxetine.  I was not happy being prescribed with these drugs but I had no choice.  Be open to anything that will help you.

A HAPPY MIND MAKES A HAPPY BUNNY

But, there is one thing that will be the biggest battle of your life.  Your mindset.  I still struggle now but have improved a hundred fold in the last couple of years.  You have to find ways to keep you happy on the bed ridden days.  This can be music, comedy on the TV,  jigsaw puzzles, home crafts, adult colouring, meditation. You have to keep your mind busy because it will slowly descend into blackness if you do not find ways to keep yourself afloat mentally on the very bad days.

Why do you think I write this blog? lol 🙂

Curl up with a good book

Curl up with a good book

Obviously if your eyes and brain fog can cope, a good book is a must.  I go through hundreds of books, it’s a great way to escape.  But the most important thing is educating your loved ones.  The biggest problem I see from other sufferers is the lack of understanding by friends and family and them permanently trying to justify this invisible illness to them.  They are in more denial than you are.  If your husband/mum/mate is subtly referring to you as lazy, forcing you to get up and do things or insisting you get a grip, you need to start putting your foot down. They will NEVER understand how it feels.  They will never fully appreciate that every single second of every single day you are in pain somewhere or everywhere with no let up.  They can’t possibly understand that as soon as you stand, gravity pulls you down into a heavy, claustrophobic exhaustive suit that will not disappear and cannot be removed.  Tell them your feelings.  Tell them you need help.  Tell them to read up on what you are suffering with.  If they refuse to acknowledge your predicament, you have to make some serious decisions.  You CANNOT be surrounded by judgemental people who make you feel useless.  I am so lucky that my friends are understanding.  The ones who weren’t have diminished which is fine by me.  I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

DON’T SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY

Unbelievably a lot of my friends in the last few years have been diagnosed with the same condition!  It is a very common pandemic that the health organisation and society have to wake up to.  The most incredible thing was, my friend Jay got diagnosed with ME. So we now hold each other up on the bad days. Us meeting was meant to be.  My old friend Nicky also was diagnosed along with FIVE others.  We have very interesting conversations normally starting with, “What’s wrong with you today!”

Be kind to yourself.  Admit you have a serious chronic condition and ADAPT.  You have to grieve your old life and find ways to survive in the new one that has befallen you.  There is no cure for this illness.  Don’t chase the next ‘miracle treatment’.  Cope with what you have, gain control and make yourself as comfortable as possible.

It is no mean feat but together we can continually fight this relentless beast.

Reach out, ask for help and love yourself.  On the bad days keep your mind busy and if you need to sleep all day, DO IT! On the good days don’t overdo it or you will find yourself in bed for days or weeks after.  We all do it though, it’s called booming and busting.

YOUR RIGHTS

I was no longer going out, buying clothes or spending money on normal life things so every penny I had went on helping me.  If you find as I did that you cannot work, you are entitled to benefits.  You can apply for PIP which is a living allowance for disabled people.  I also got a blue badge for my car and owned the fact that even though my title was ‘disabled’ I was still the same person but just needed a little help. Don’t suffer in silence like I did for three long years.

All of these achievements took ages to deal with and arrange.  But I felt so much stronger in myself and felt I had established some sort of control of my life.

However, I was still on Morphine, Gabapentin, Cocodamol, Ibuprofen, Duloxetine and Paracetamol.  I was eating them like smarties, but pain was still a constant companion.

A MESSAGE FROM HEAVEN

My clever Nan

My clever Nan

It took a visitation from my nan one night on the 27th July, to change my life considerably.  I will never forget the night that I saw the spirit of  her bustle across my landing, turn around and radically change my day to day life by saying three little  words……


  • 1
'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 8

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

Hi everyone,

It’s great to see that people are commenting on the blogs themselves. I would love a community to build up here so we can help each other and discuss my blogs.  So please don’t be shy, add your thoughts!

So where were we?

MY NEW HOME

Yes, I had just moved into my cottage in Kingswear Cemetery. It is a solitary cottage completely surrounded by forestry and of course graves! I had no neighbours, nothing but nature.  I was so relived that after 8 months I finally had my own space and a place to call home.  I had never rented a house in my life so was feeling a little vulnerable but grateful. Jay had stayed for a couple of days so that I settled in.  I was then alone. I woke up and went downstairs and looked at all the moving boxes around me feeling a little intimated  with the mammoth task ahead. A lot of my stuff had been in storage and was full of mould. It was what I had clawed together before I had said goodbye to my house in Essex that I adored.

THE CRASH 7 NOV 2014

I stood looking out to the cemetery, it then hit me. It felt like my life force where the last morsels of sand running out in an hour glass had dropped their last grain.  I then literally felt every single bit of energy seep from my body. I started to shake and get heart palpitations, feeling dizzy I stumbled to the settee fighting for breath clutching my chest. I laid down panicking, no this wasn’t happening, I had been free to get around all summer, this just couldn’t be happening. The snarling beast of ME sauntered towards me it’s gnarled fingers reaching out to claim it’s prize. I was now about to pay for all of my activity throughout the summer.  The pain started to snake through my body until each breath felt like I was breathing in shards of glass. As tears stung my eyes I fell into a dreamless sleep, the only option, submission.

I woke up and it was dark.

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

I could hardly move and guiltily looked at two pairs of staring eyes. My dogs needed feeding, so I staggered to the kitchen every limb shaking from the effort and fed them. I had a glass of water then went straight to my bed and woke up again the following afternoon.

The sheets were drenched. Another symptom, excessive sweating, I was far too weak to change the sheets so I just chucked a towel over the soaked stinking mess.

My body was trembling so violently that I was terrified.   It took a little while to realise that I had no bladder control so I stuffed a towel around my bottom aswell.

I could hear a low growling moan, it took a few minutes to realise it was coming from me.

I realised that I had unleashed my lion over the last few months and had brought myself into the worst ME crash ever.

I thought that I had been through the worst.

How wrong was I.

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

This would be an opportune time to explain the LION and the MOUSE.

I was doing a trance demonstration once and as ever the exuberant Julianus came to the fore.  He was asked a question about what is the human soul and how is it different from our spirit.

This was his answer.

‘The spirit Is our essence. It reflects the colours and light that we perpetually carry and beam out. We exist in the ever moving ebb and flow of the universe. It is our identifying light amongst all the others that live within every living thing.

Your soul is your story, consciousness and core of intelligence.

When you incarnate onto the earth you need to cope with it’s heavy resonance and that of other humans.

It is like when Nichola dives. She needs equipment to manage the different atmosphere. The lower part of your soul that covers the heart chakra to the base chakra is the necessary equipment to help mange your material life. It reflects the same energy vibration of Earth life.  The higher part of the soul is your light connection to us and the universe. From your heart to your crown chakra.

For human purposes the higher part of the soul we shall call the ‘mouse.’  The tiny voice that feeds us all we need from the universe to live a spiritually connected life as a human.

The lower part we shall call the ‘lion.’ It roars with ego and human emotion and threatens the mouse’s tiny voice if you let it. The trick is to allow both mouse and lion to live in harmony. Once the lion roars too loudly for too long, the mouse is frightened, voiceless and becomes lost in the human experience.

How very simple!  So my lion roared all through summer, I MUST WORK, I MUST RECORD A CD, I MUST BOOK A NEW COURSE, I MUST BOOK SHOWS. My poor little mouse was trying to shriek above the roars to warn me of my frailty but I refused to shut the lion up.

You always know when you have gone wrong as nothing flows. Let this be my wisdom to you, if you keep trying something and it repeatedly fails and nothing flows from it, CHANGE DIRECTION.  When it is right, it will flow with everything dropped in front of you with no effort at all.

My CD hardly sold as I wasn’t able to get out there and promote it.  I was mortified, my friend Mark had arranged the production and recording facilities and it had failed. It was the first ever failure in my career, I was so embarassed,  the Universe was not allowing it to flow AT ALL.  I felt no one was interested in my work anymore, I was nothing, an old urban legend of a once good medium.  I should never had abused my energy to get it done.  The lion wanted to get it out there to help people, keep me in the loop as a medium and of course the funds were to help me survive as I was hardly working. The mouse was obviously trying to tell me to rest, take time out and heal. I remembered Julianus’ words when I was on Berry head, ‘last chance, don’t abuse it.’

Jay phoned to ask how I was, he was one of the very few I would pick the phone up to. I cried, I moaned, I screamed. He just listened but then he said something was niggling him, he was preoccupied all the time with the fact I had heard nothing from the solicitor who was representing me for the accident. Materially I was hanging in there for a payout. Without that I was truly in dire straits.

Jay kept on insisting that I phoned up to check what was going on. In the end just to shut him up, I emailed.

THE SHAME OF THE COURT SYSTEM

Long story short, the solicitor had done absolutely nothing with my case. It had sat in a pile as it was deemed a ‘complex case’ and obviously he didn’t want to deal with it. In three months time I would lose the chance to make a claim on the accident. I tried to complain through the ombudsman but they, all as most corporations do, close ranks.

When it dawned on me that I might not get any compensation at all, that’s when the anxiety attacks really kicked in. I would lay their wild eyed gasping for breath thinking I was having a heart attack. Thinking back on this time I feel quite nauseous remembering it. I was in my worst hell.  I hung on to the fact that I could use the money for care, a cleaner, private treatment and potentially my own home again. The desolation hit me every minute.  I felt doomed to the core.

Now just changing the subject a little, I have names that hold a particular energy.

David is a massively important name and men with this name have always represented help to me, it is also the code name my dad uses when he visits me from the spirit world as it was his best friends name.

Mark is another one. Mark’s in my life  are always there supporting in the background and want nothing in return.

So the next day when I saw the name Mark at a local solicitors firm I called him.

I don’t know how he understood my story as I was hysterically crying and reeling out my predicament about my solicitor failing me. I asked if he could help.

I will never forget his words,

‘Nicky ordinarily I never take on a case from another solicitor, but after hearing your story and how you have been so desperately let down, I’m taking this on, but I can’t promise you anything’

I felt so relieved.  Mark applied for an extension and registered the accident with the court, he was amazing, but this is what really angers me.  The law and the courts recognise ME and Fibromyalgia as a ‘malingerers’ disease. Not real. They also will not accept that road accidents can create this condition. So every knock and bang in my medical history was put down to this condition  going to happen anyway. The fact I was bed bound and in agony directly after the impact was not relevant at all.

Mark had only a few months to get all of the evidence together which wasn’t long enough. I was going to lose out big time. It also wasn’t relevant that I had lost my career, my two homes and my whole life. You can’t claim for that. So these people that sue in America for being upset over a news report seemed more important than my accident that wasn’t my fault, my illness and my non existent life. It made me want to puke.

Oh how the Lion roared. I felt hard done by, an enormous sense of injustice and a vitriolic anger that lived within me for the foreseeable future.  I also went back to self hate, as I had obviously deserved all of this misery.

The lion despite everything, still made me grip determinedly to my career, I wasn’t going to lose it, so I stupidly decided I would do a show on the 17 December at Lupton.

THE FINALE OF MY CAREER

Dragging myself through

Dragging myself through

The show had the lowest energy I have ever worked with in my life. I struggled with every link in the first half, the spirit people were walking all over me, jumping in and out whenever they pleased, jumbling all of the messages up and confusing me.  I was too weak to control them. When the first half ended the relief was tangible.  I went into the back room during half time and as I made my way to the settee my legs gave out from under me. I was trembling and felt like I was going to vomit, I couldn’t stop crying and felt so exhausted. I trowelled more makeup on and to my utter shame looking back, I necked three cans of red bull, oral morphine and vodka to try and keep me going for the second half. I am ashamed, but this blog of my soul journey has to be my truth, whether it is pretty or ugly.

It was at that point that I knew I had to surrender. It was over.

‘Enough Nicky, no more’ I said to myself.

I then walked up onto the stage, fake smile plastered onto my face, when all I wanted to do was collapse onto the floor and cry my heart out.

How I got through that night I will never know.  My grandad Fred came in the second half to help me.  When I got home I realised that there was to be no more public appearances and demonstrations. This was another thing I had to grieve as I cancelled everything and cut my work phone off.  As far as I was concerned my career was over and the stupid dream I had had about the Earth Walkers was just that, a far away dream that would never come to any fruition.

BACK TO BLACK

I was back in my dark, claustrophobic pit and this time, I didn’t want to get out of it. I wanted to rot away.  I wanted to starve my soul, mind and body until I was no good for this earth and would be taken back home.

Every night I begged God to take me back home as  I couldn’t do my Earth experience any more.  Suicide was like a morbid fantasy weaving its way through my consciousness at any given moment. But every time I looked at my little babies eyes staring at me I couldn’t imagine abandoning them like life had abandoned me, so I just sat in the fantasy of death hoping that the decision would be made for me.

I was also putting on weight. With no exercise and a diet of biscuits and cake, each gained pound corroborated my abhorrent view of myself. The lion told me I would never be attractive again, nobody would ever want me and that I was to be alone forever. The downward spiral was on full throttle and I had no intention of slamming on the brakes.

THE SERAPHIM

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarachy

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarchy

One night as usual I was awake, the insomnia was horrific. I slept for days then was awake for weeks with no respite.

I heard a female voice which sounded like singing. Despite me living in a cemetery it was not haunted at all. It was 3.33 in the morning when my phone turned itself on and started playing music, angel meditation music.

Angel number 333. I then heard a low rumbling and knew that something was about to happen.

Julianus then said,

‘We have provided this dwelling as a sanctuary. It will be protective, it will be completely for your healing. It is your castle and we will ward off anything that will bring harm’

I then saw in my minds eye a huge Seraphim growing bigger and bigger and folding her colossal black wings around the house.

Seraphim are one of the oldest, highest forms of the angel hierarchy.  They are God’s warriors. ( I had learned this in my dream for Earth Walkers) They were creating a bubble for me to reside in to heal, whilst obviously the soul boot camp exploded to a higher more intense level.

I then saw a shimmering light on my landing and Catherine, my guide of prophecy and Khan stood smiling at me with such a  look of humility that I started to cry.

I whispered,  ‘Please help me!’

The only reply that I received was, ‘Help yourself and we shall carry you through the journey’

I didn’t want to hear this, I wanted a magical miracle to transport me to a proper life free of ill health. But we never get what we want, we can only achieve our goals through hard work and introspection.

I thought I had had a hard life, but this was just the beginning.

I was to be put though the mill, squeezed through the wrangle until every single thing that held darkness was wrung out of me drip by agonising drip.

The first lesson was dealing with my abuse as a child and teenager.  The horrors of my past that had been locked away, were now being reopened and put right in front of my face.

Believe me when I say, they refused to leave until I lived through every single experience they gave me, the only option was to engage with them or allow their misery to haunt me…..


  • 10
Earth Angels

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries no 7

EARTH ANGELS

Hi everyone,

I have been asked to write a blog for a Canadian group so I am pleased that I am reaching people and so humbled to have been asked!  This is my only way to reach you, so I truly hope that you enjoy my posts. Please share it with your family and friends 🙂

My next obstacles in my life that were making me stress every day were the work commitments that I felt too weak to cancel, I was too scared to face the back lash.  I was so worried about upsetting people.   With this condition your ability to cope with the most smallest problems is non existent.  I can only describe it as a blank spot.  As soon as anything gets too much you get an adrenaline rush and you just want to fly not fight and your mind goes completely numb, like a flatline.  Bearing in mind I used to be a strong minded police officer who could cope with any dramatic situation, this particular part of the illness was as if an alien had deposited itself in my brain and had sucked dry my coping mechanism.  I couldn’t even cope with answering the phone or opening a letter.

Coping with emotion is non existent

Coping with emotion is non existent

I had a weekend retreat booked and evenings of mediumship in Grays and Dartford.  They were both sold out, I couldn’t let the audience down or the centres.  How the hell was I going to carry this out when I couldn’t even last a day without sleeping? I couldn’t think straight and was in massive pain despite the Morphine, Tramadol, Codeine and god knows what other opiates the doctors were shoving down my throat.  I was drinking cans of red bull to keep me up, countless cans. My new alien brain had also changed my tastes, I could no longer stand tea and craved sweet things and coffee BIG TIME.

NIGHTMARES

I started to get nightmares all of the time, of standing in front of audiences and them booing me. It was horror every time I went to sleep.  Stress then causes other symptoms so I ended up with urinary problems, gynae problems, incontinence, skull shattering headaches, severe depression and extreme pain that made you want to die just to end the suffering.

I was desperate to hold on to my magical dream of the book, but in the darkest times, it was a distant unrealistic dream.

I ended up in hospital which was brutal as I attended alone and felt so desolate and unloved.

I saw family members kissing their loved ones and visiting and it just made me feel worse.

When I look back at this time I could kick myself rather sharply in the derrière as all I had to do was cancel all of the work. But I didn’t have the strength or self love that I have now.

I suffer NOTHING from anyone anymore and speak my truth. It is their problem how they react to my truth.  Everyone take a lesson from that.  Own your illness, own your boundaries and refuse to be amongst negative people or people that make you feel devalued.  It’s like an insipid cancer, it will eat away at your already frail state! Get rid of negative people and situations!

THE RETREAT

The retreat was in June of that year 2014 and as each day passed I prayed for a miracle, it was like a count down to the guillotine. I was so scared, I was going to let down all these beautiful people who had paid to come and learn from me.  The hospital visit and operation had solved a few problems so at least that was sorted.

Every time I tried to reach Julianus I heard silence and found my brain would not allow the focus I needed to reach that loving alpha brain wave state.

Then something miraculous happened.

About a week before the dreaded date of the retreat, I woke up and actually felt a little energy. My pain was still there in every joint and limb but it was manageable. Our pain equation I’m sure is so extreme to other healthy people. Our ‘good’ pain day is most probably for healthy people a worry that would send them scurrying to the doctors.

So I started to get up and about, I even managed short walks with my babies. It was amazing.

As I was walking along Berry head in Devon one day, Julianus came through sure and clear .

‘This is your last chance to reach humans, use it wisely’

They had given me strength to get through the work, I just knew it, but I felt the warning I was not to abuse it.  But did I listen? No I didn’t, I made yet another one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

The retreat was at the Seekers Trust in Kent. I was left there alone with no help which really, really angered me. I was supposed to have people helping me, but I was left to cope 24/7 with all of my students.  But then the next miracle came, a lot of the students suffered with the same condition as me and were so understanding.  It was magical, they were beautiful people who helped me out tremendously and we all muddled together.  To say it was a stunning experience is an understatement!

THE SHOWS

So after a successful retreat, the shows were next.

Some of my beautiful ladies at Seekers Trust

Some of my beautiful ladies at Seekers Trust

Dartford, The Light on The Hill spiritualist centre with Trevor and Pat was my most favourite place to work, I adored it and the audience were always fantastic.  Again I was amazed at the fact I had strength and energy to work, but stupidly I took it for granted.

There was a queue running down the road in Dartford that night, despite it being sold out, people turned up on the off chance of getting in, they were shoving people in like sardines in a small can. I was gobsmacked, I had done hardly any work but here they were, all of these beautiful souls supporting my work.  The demonstration went wonderfully, I honestly thought I was back as the pure energy of the spirit people soared through my being, but it was a false prophecy. The lion part of my soul was roaring.

I managed the Grays dem as well and felt so well that I arranged to record my second guided meditation CD in London, MEETING YOUR GUIDES with the help of my ever supporting friend Mark.  I thought it would be a great way of helping people as well as some much needed funds.img_4443

I then in my new found energy booked a course to teach developing mediums back in Devon and a show there as well. I was feeling great, feeling  invincible and able to take the reins from where I had left them, whack the rumps and gallop onwards.

I was staying with my oldest friend Jo in Essex and we were having such fun, I was on a cloud of oblivion.

I then met Jay. We had everything in common. He was handsome, funny, kind and very spiritual and after my work we spent a wonderful summer exploring Devon and Cornwall.  Thoughts of bed bound misery and pain were like a fleeting cloud in a gale force wind. Don’t get me wrong I was still in pain and slept when I could but NOTHING like I was before.

Jay and I became close friends but not in a romantic way so I kept asking why he was in my life as I had friends already.

I was still homeless. Still staying at friends homes, I had my mobile home repossessed in Devon as the caravan site managers were monsters and wouldn’t help me at all.  But even though it hurt deeply, I seemed to cope with it.

MY FIRST HOME

In Devon I used to pass this old cottage on the grounds of Kingswear cemetery. I adored it and used to joke saying it was my house.

Well one night my nan came into the bedroom from spirit and said ‘Go on that house thing’ I then saw a vision of Rightmove.  As I was still suffering with insomnia and restless leg syndrome I thought ‘why not, it will fill the hours’. The first picture was the cottage at the Cemetery to rent, I couldn’t believe it.

Don’t ask me why I asked to view it as I didn’t have a penny to my name and couldn’t get a deposit together, but I went along with it as almost a fantasy. I was staying with my friend Janet back in Devon then.  I fell in love with this old crumbling cottage but had no money and no hope of renting it.

Then I thought of Jay. Without even blinking he agreed to lend me the money for the deposit and the first five months rent! I had only known him a little while, anyone else I wouldn’t even have contemplated asking.

My new back garden!

My new back garden!

He said to me as I was moving in out of the blue, ‘Your dad sent me here. To give you a home and help you‘ as if he was talking about the weather!

I froze and thought about it.  It hit me like a lightening bolt,  ‘My God, he’s an Earth angel, he has been sent to help me!’

 

In fact without his input over the next couple of months I would still be homeless and in despair.

Earth angels are humans that have such a high resonance in their energy that they can bring messages from the Divine without realising it. They are also sent to people to help guide them and walk with them on their path.  Most of them don’t have a clue that they are one.  They can be in our lives for five minutes, five weeks or for our whole lifetime.  A great example of this is addressed in the book ‘The Celestine Prophecies‘.

Earth Angels

Before we incarnate we create a blue print of our life map that we want to experience on Earth. When we need certain souls to come back into our lives, we mark them on our ‘map’ and they appear. You will, normally, if they are to walk your path feel an inexplicable draw to them, whether they are male or female.  They usually are part of your soul cluster which I will explain in another post.

ANGELS WITH GLORIA HUNNIFORD

When I was asked to do ANGELS with Gloria Hunniford for Sky, I was in two minds.  I could be made to look an idiot or it could help reach people.

On the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford

I was in Sainsburys at the veg aisle and this old lady shuffled up to me and said, ‘You are so good at what you do, so go and do it!’

I stood there transfixed. She then walked away as if she had never said a word to me.  That night in the bath a feather fell onto my shoulder I watched it fall from the ceiling! I knew it was the right thing to do, so I agreed.

Typical example of a brief Earth angel ‘shove’ message as I call them.

Look out for them, they are everywhere.  They may be in your life already.

LOOKING FORWARD

So, earth angel in tow in the form of Jay,  I looked forward to my new home.

This was November 7th 2014, again I failed to see the significance of this spiritual date.

Little did I know that my life was going to shatter into little pieces yet again and the next phase of boot camp was to take me to my limits, beyond anything I could imagine.


  • -
ts_three

ME Myself and I. My Soul diaries.

When you live with chronic illness it really is just you and the world, that world mainly being touched through media from your bed as you actually cant get out into it. A blessing and a curse at the same time!

The one true beauty I have discovered through years of being alone is being faced with just me for company.

But it has taken me years to appreciate that beauty.  Initially there was nothing but ugliness.

I resented this ‘alone time’ as before my accident I was too busy helping everyone else and not myself. I found that I really didn’t like my own company to be honest. So initially the first years after my accident were very dark. I grieved for my old life, I watched friends disappear as you cant maintain friendships permanently in bed and feeling so ill. People apart from the true soul mates get bored with the fact that you simply aren’t getting well. They find it hard to grasp, just as any sufferer does when they find themselves in the throes of the evilness that chronic illness brings. You find everyone around you is in as much denial as you are.

They see you on a good day when you have actually managed to get dressed and wash your hair and you can almost see their body sigh with relief as they smile and say, ‘Oh great you are getting better!’ Nope its just one good day amongst weeks of bad days! I fantasised about punching people in the face when they said things like, ‘You just got to force yourself to get up and out’ and ‘If you set a time pattern and get up early you will sleep at night’ Bless them they were only trying to help, but believe me when you hear it the second, third time round the punching fantasy kicks in deliciously!

It’s funny as I was the same before, if the illness didn’t affect you or the ones you loved then why worry about it or try to understand it? It’s not until it arrives at your door that you have to start deciding whether to welcome it in and try and understand it or leave the door firmly shut ignoring the incessant rapping as it waits for you to answer.  Believe me its a relentless beast  and it wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. So those initial years I let it knock at the door whilst I licked my wounds and spent month after month in abject misery and complete denial of my reality.

During the first couple of years I went through the most clearest text book bereavement cycle you could imagine. initially as already mentioned, I was in complete denial that I had, possibly a life long condition with no cure. I was expecting every day to wake up and it would be gone like a cold or a sore throat.  On days when the symptoms were milder, I rejoiced and threw myself into all of the chores that needed doing whilst I had been exhausted and sleeping over the past weeks.  This then lead to horrific relapses. They usually hit you about 24 hours after the activity.  It’s a bit like drinking alcohol, you go for it at the time and then the inevitable hang over hits you like a bitch! Well this particular bitch meant business, so after a couple of hours of doing the washing, tidying up and loading the dishwasher a day later you find yourself in agony and exhausted for the next week or more.

Then the guilt hits you.  You go over your whole life and tentatively pick out your less finer moments and convince yourself that you are being punished for being such a shit. You get into a mind set that you have obviously done something to deserve this illness.  So as soon as you are awake you get into the guilt car and take the same trip to Guiltsville sucking it up on the way that you are a very bad human being.

Then on the drive the anger hits. The ‘Why me’s’ and ‘why doesn’t it happen to evil people’ and this particular emotion takes you on a roller coaster of peaks and troughs. The peaks ending in gut wrenching sobs and rocking yourself to try and bring some comfort to a grieving body and soul. Then when the anger exhausts you, you start to bargain with anyone in the ether that will listen. I have lost count of the times I asked me to be taken to heaven in lieu of a dying child’s soul, I used to ask that I take their dying soul and they could take mine. Then there are the promises that you will be the best person ever if the illness is taken from you. As an onlooker you would want to put us in a loony bin as talking to yourself, believe me, is pretty much 24/7 either out loud or in your head.

Then the next visitor arrives, depression, inconsolable misery of the fact that you have no future, no one is going to want you as a friend or partner, you have no career, no social life and no way out of this pool of dark murky crap. This one is relentless, it keeps you awake at night reminding you of your dire situation. This then lead to three years of insomnia. I had lost my homes because I couldn’t work and after eight months of being homeless and staying in benevolent friends’ houses I finally managed to rent a cottage in Devon. The irony was lost on me at the time but it was a lodge at a cemetery the first grave being about two foot away from my lounge! I thought it would be peaceful but now I realise, at last with a smile, that I was facing death every day and the mourners visiting their loved one’s graves.  Not the best setting!

The other challenge was that I had always been a survivor and had always been the saviour of everyone else, so to ask for help was a complete no no. I was my own worst enemy. I didn’t want to keep telling people how ill I was so despite the desperate loneliness, I chose to put my phone on silent and leave it in the corner of the room.  If you spoke to anyone about your illness, it made it real, so it wasn’t worth the phone call.  I also figured what was there to talk about? How crap my day had been on a scale out of ten? Plus brain fog and exhaustion made conversations intimidating and impossible. I would go for weeks on end not talking to a soul.

I would will death to knock on the door next to the illness monster who was still knocking.  But I was going to let death in on the first knock.  I saw no way other than death, it was a blissful fantasy to end this rotting, stagnant existence, with every day being the same. The absolute truth be told, I think I would have ended it in my darkest days if it wasn’t for my two little fur babies that would stare at me wondering why I wasn’t getting up and out. I would never have admitted that to anyone ever in my old life but this is not only about my journey but awareness of chronic illness.

It isn’t a sympathy vote or a need for ‘poor you’ it is a clear depiction of what is happening in this day and age. There are 300,000 sufferers of ME and Fibromyalgia. You see the adverts for help the aged and to remember them at Christmas but as a forty two year old I was in the same boat!  An extremely high percentage of GP’S treat you like a malingerer just shoving you out of the door with more pain killers and anti depressants which are supposed to help with the pain.  My first GP certainly did treat me like a hypochondriac.  She told me to get a grip, it wasn’t as if i was disabled.  Stupid woman!

Mind you, my GP turned into my legal drug dealer, I went there craving the next miracle drug that would bring me out back into the world again as a normal human being.  I have tried every single drug going that had a hint of being a treatable drug for my condition.  Each one brought more futility as it slipped down my throat with no miraculous result.

There are ME clinic sessions which are about as useful as a chocolate teapot where you drag yourself there to fill in a diary of what you have done (pretty easy, sleep, cry, take pain killers, repeat!).  Then spend the next couple of weeks recovering from dragging yourself to a diary session where the person has no clue of your condition at all.  It made me laugh as when I kept cancelling they warned me I would be struck off of the register.  I couldn’t even get my head off the pillow, so inevitably I was struck off.

Then came the pain clinic.  I thought great! Acupuncture, hydrotherapy, massage etc. I was envisaging similar to the MS centres where they have these services as well as hyperbaric chambers. Nope, I was told to do Thai Chi, which was about as possible as flying as I couldn’t even raise my arms let alone float them around creating ‘energy’ so the very disgruntled physio said if I wasn’t willing to try there was nothing else they could do. Oh they also advise you about diet, but they don’t take into account the fact that you have no energy to prepare fresh food which rots in the fridge when you are sleeping for days on end.

My main diet was digestive biscuits and tea and on a good day some toast.

So the days lead to months, that lead to years of the bereavement cycle running around full circle like a dedicated athlete, from denial to depression.

I had spent years before my road accident spouting out all of this spiritual stuff to the masses but it never occurred to me to turn it on myself.  I felt that the angel realms,the spirit world and my guides  had abandoned me.  I had been forsaken, I had obviously been sacked from my job as a spiritual ambassador. That’s what I felt, I used to rage and curse at them morning, noon and night for the misery they had dumped me in without a care.

My dad had visited me from the spirit world back in 2013 telling me that I was going to go through the worst hardship of my life but in 2016 it would start to shift and I would work in a completely different way, more amazing than I could imagine.  I felt elated at the time as he literally was sat in front of me for about ten minutes, something I know doesn’t normally happen.  But with the pain and multiple symptoms I was enduring every second, this visitation wore extremely thin in my memory banks.  In fact I started to talk myself into the fact that I had made it up, all the spiritual guff, that it was all bullshit.  In fact I thought all of it was smoke and mirrors and all the miraculous things i had seen and experienced in my life from the spirit world was all made up and that every single amazing reading I had delivered was just lucky guessing,  I honestly lost my faith and my soul during that time.

But then, two things happened that changed everything.  They turned my life around and threw me into a crescendo of acceptance of my reality and the will to fight. Two separate occurrences within a week in February 2014 took place that would change my life in such a beautiful dramatic way, it still makes me breathless when I think of it.

But I think you may have read enough for one day, so I will fill you in on my next post!

Namaste


Subscribe

Sign up to receive new posts to blog by Nicky to your mail box
Name
Email *

Archives

TESTIMONIALS

TERMS AND CONDITIONS