ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 13

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Manifest the love that is there....

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 13

THE MAGIC OF MEDICINE

Hello all. I find that my blogs are a  bit more few and far between at the moment, it’s due to my unpredictable condition.  I truly hope that you are enjoying them, as always I value your feedback.

If you know anyone that could benefit from reading them as a Chronic Illness sufferer or who may be interested on how the celestial realms guide us and help us please feel free to pass my experiences on xx

NAN’S VISIT

I saw the silver threads of light darting like sprites across my landing before I even thought I was going to see a manifestation. I was so weak and exhausted that I didn’t sense the usual feelings that one experiences prior to a manifestation.  Usually the hairs on the back of my neck go up, I get goosebumps, the temperature can either go up or down dramatically.  I usually smell who the person is as well.   My nan has her own smell its a bit like old fashioned perfume mixed with an old clothes smell that hasn’t been in the fresh air for a while.  My dad will be beer or cigarettes.  They are not the best smells but they will pick something that you will notice that you don’t ordinarily smell.

Usually when my dad also manifests some electrical phenomena that will bring my attention to his presence.  In the past he has rung the doorbell again and again, even changing the tune on the chime.  He has set off the microwave with the letters AFM which are his initials, he has turned the television off and on and turned all the lights on in the house after I have switched them all off.  With my dad’s dad I always see a dark grey suit, my mum’s dad I just feel him standing tall at the doorway.  All of your spirit loved ones will manifest the same way each time so that you can understand and identify them.  They will choose their way to manifest though.  So look out for similar feelings or senses when you believe they may be with you.  If you feel something odd in the ether or sense someone with you the easiest thing to do is close your mind and your eyes, the first person to be shown in your mind is usually the person who is there, you just have to trust it!

As I am writing this my sleeping dogs, Teddy and Mia have just jumped up and are barking like mad.  There is only birdsong, nothing else to rouse them, so perhaps I have drawn some of my lot here by talking about them!  I have already told you of the power of music, so always listen out for their favourite music.  They will try everything and anything to maintain a relationship with you.  The fact they have had a funeral is totally irrelevant.

Manifest the love that is there....

Manifest the love that is there….

So after the firework display of silver in my landing I then saw my nan who was unmistakable with her striking white hair and large figure.  She was walking away from me but then stop and turned.  I laid there breathless.  She looked transparent with a silver glow around her.  She said three words…..

Go on Facebook‘” she then turned around and walked past the door and that was that.  Now to say that I felt a little deflated was an understatement! Of all the things she could have said,  she said this!  Also you may be thinking how does she know about Facebook?  All of your loved ones no matter how long ago they have passed, walk with you, sit with, you share your life experiences, so they know exactly what things you do and all of the latest mod cons we use.

GERMANY

I remember doing a reading once in Germany , it went a bit like this

Me “Your dad is saying that you met on the internet, on a dating site. He really likes your husband.”

Her “That can’t be my dad he wouldn’t have a clue about the internet or Match!”

Me “Has everything I told you so far made sense?  His name being Peter*, that he was a carpenter, passed in a fire, all the rest of the stuff I have said is right?”

Her “Yes”

Me “Good, then you know that this is your dad.  You must also know that they watch us whenever they want.  They know what is happening, who we are seeing, what TV programmes we watch.  They learn of the new technology as they see us use it. You did meet your husband on a dating site didn’t you?”

“Yes”

“Then know that your dad has seen this and the evidence that I have told you tells you that he is still alive and with you.”

They learn what we do, when we do it and how. Another common one is the sitter will say it is not their loved one communicating as they are mentioning something that took place after they passed, like someone being born or getting married.  Of course they know this has happened as they are still with us!

FACEBOOK

So I knew that my nan would not make all the effort to come down to me if it wasn’t for a good reason so I immediately went on to Facebook.  The first thing I saw was the news feed and this lady crying with pure joy.  She had been in bed with ME/ Fibromyalgia for ten years.  She had taken a drug that her friend had recommended and within five days she was down the park with her granddaughter.  The video then scanned round the park and back on this woman who was playing with her granddaughter.  Usually I would think this was a scam or some rubbish to make money, but as my nan had told me at that exact time to go on Facebook and the first thing I saw relates to my condition, I started to google this wonder drug.

LDN TRY IT BEFORE ANYTHING

LDN TRY IT BEFORE ANYTHING

LOW DOSE NALTREXONE

LDN RESEARCH

WIKI LDN

Now I am going to scoot a couple of weeks on from this faithful night on the 27th July.  Luckily if you remember I had found the perfect GP.  I immediately made an appointment with him and asked for this drug.  He was totally proactive and agreed to prescribe it.  He was already treating patients for MS with it.  I was exceptionally lucky because most GP’s have never heard of it or won’t prescribe it.  Unfortunately it is a post code lottery.  Why don’t we know about this drug?  One guess. MONEY.  Because the Professor that manufactured it didn’t want it as a profit drug it has not gone through the FDA, unlike the higher dose which is used to treat diseases such as HIV and AIDS. No profit, pharmaceutical companies aren’t interested.

It is an opiate based drug and on researching it for weeks I found that most people had a hundred per cent recovery rate.  It treats Cancer, Hashimotos, Arthritis, Lymes disease, Chronic pain, Alzheimers, Parkinsons etc.  Any neuro, central nervous sytem, auto immune disease can be treated.  I have put a few links above so that you can have a look for yourself.

LIFE CHANGE

I was so nervous as I so wanted it to work.  What I can say is after taking it for five days I was able to get up and sit in the lounge.  I slowly came off of all of my heavy pain killers.  The morphine, tramadol, cocodamol and gabapentin went in the bin.  I had no side effects and there is no weaning off, you can stop it whenever you want to.  Unfortunately it only improved my condition slightly unlike thousands of others but I was grateful to be out of my bed permanently for three years.   It DEFINITELY improved my standard of life.   At least I was off the cocktail of hard drugs as I still am now.  In fact I started to write my book, EARTH WALKERS even more regularly and felt a little more hopeful on a daily basis.  I can not say it will work for you but I can say if you don’t give it a go, you are very unwise.

If you are one of the unlucky ones who has an ignorant doctor who steers away from ‘off the label’ treatments, then you can order this to your door privately.  This puts it into context how cheap it is.  It is £9 privately to buy.  The charge for prescription and delivery makes it £18 pr month, worth every penny.

Do your research and try this drug!

Here’s a link for the chemist who will help you if you need to get it privately.  You will have to prove that you have been diagnosed with your condition.  You will have a session on the telephone with one of the Doctors from Clinic 158 and then, the rest as they say is history, it arrives through your letter box and you start getting an improved state of life.

DICKSON CHEMIST GLASGOW

You have to find the sweet spot of mg’s that works for you though.  It takes a bit of time going up and down the dosages but you will eventually learn your individual dose requirement.  I stay permanently on 2.6 mg but the highest you can go is 4.5 mgs.

Give it a go, what have you got to lose?

So with my magical nan helping me in the most amazing way, my diet improved and not living so much in a dark hell what was next?

My next healing boot camp, my exes!

*The name has been changed to respect the privacy of the client

 

 


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The plant of acceptance...

ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11

SENDING OUT AN S.O.S

So at this point in my life 14 March 2015, there was a lot rattling through my brain.  I think a massive epiphany arrived of all places in B and Q!  More of that later!

My angel boot camp had now shot me back to when I was 7 years old in my dream state.  I was attacked sexually by a stranger in some damp dingy toilets.  The man, or monster, which ever way you want to refer to him was showing his son what you do with little girls.  I often think of that poor boy, he no doubt grew up to be a monster like his dad.

TELLING DAD

I will never forget the look of anguished pain on my dad’s face when I told them what had happened.  We were just about to eat Sunday dinner and I had been down the park with my friend. It is amazing how your chemical senses can link to a memory back in time.  I remember the smell of the roast and my dad about to cut into a Yorkshire pudding like it was yesterday.  (By the way, my mum’s Yorkshire puddings are THE BEST, FACT! lol).  This man had groomed us in the park and followed us to the toilets.  As an innocent child you would never suspect a man with his son playing happily in a park to be a dangerous stranger with evil intent.

My dad shot up from the table and got straight into the car and headed for the park.  Obviously the man wasn’t there.  I felt guilty, dirty and also mortified that the love of my life, my dad was so upset.  I thought at the time he was upset by me.  A child victim is a very difficult subject to comprehend and cope with.  I pray that this never happens to you as a parent, but if it does, here’s a few tips.

I remember people whispering in other rooms about the attack.  Being so young they didn’t even think to realise that I was fully aware of their muted conversations.  It made me feel even more vulnerable and alienated.  More and more people knew my secret, I felt like I had an invisible name tag adorned around my neck, ‘VICTIM’.  So don’t have conversations within ear shot of your child.  It heightens our awareness of embarassment and feeling like soiled goods.

The police in the 70’s were awful.  There was no appropriate victim protocol back then. The first police to arrive, a man and a woman decided to interview me whilst I was sitting on my stairs at home.  They were asking me all sorts of questions in front of my mum and dad. I wasn’t even aware that they were coming to see me. Firstly I did not want to talk to a man, even if he was a police officer.  As far as I was concerned he was a stranger and I felt instantly intimidated.  To then ask a 7 year old to describe graphic details with no warning in front of your mum and dad was frightening and abhorrent, obviously I closed up.

Nowadays there are sympathy suites for victims and the care is second to none.  You are now allocated a family liaison officer who is the facilitator between the victim, victims family and the investigation.  That was my main job as a detective and I loved it.  I am sure that this day, when the officers were questioning me on my stairs was the day when I vowed I would become a police officer and would never allow a victim to feel how I was feeling at that time, embarassed, ashamed, guilty, dirty and mortified.  ALWAYS ask your loved one what they want and explain everything which is about to take place.  Children are far better prepared by being in the loop than just being shoved into a situation where they have no idea what is happening. You are not protecting them, you are placing them in a dark scary place of uncertainty.  If there is anything you are not happy with, concerning the questioning of your child, or the investigation, voice your concerns, don’t let it unfold to your child’s detriment.

My policing days, so proud

My policing days, so proud

Even though it is exceptionally hard, don’t show negative feelings in front of your child.  They will immediately perceive this as they have caused the upset, not the perpetrator.

Obviously counselling should be encouraged but not forced until your child is ready.  I was never afforded this option back then but I dealt with it later on.  Well I thought I had dealt with it until it came tumbling back into my dreams back in 2015.  They were so real, the dreams, the smells, the atmosphere, the man.  It was tangible,  it was hard to go through this.  The dreams lasted for about a week and then disappeared. The man who attacked me was never caught. I still have tiny issues being in damp or dirty toilets and cannot bear to stand where someone else has dripped, like a swimming pool changing room or by a pool, but that’s as much trauma as I have now! Not too bad!

However, I still questioned at the time if it was me having some sort of breakdown or the angel realms were healing my scarred soul.  I soon got the answer.

SHALDON

Jay came and insisted that I got out of bed.  He still didn’t really understand my condition, thinking it was mind over matter.  However I had been isolating for so long, that I thought it would be good to get out and have some fresh air.  I told him about my current cluster of dreams and he suggested we take the angel cards with us, perhaps I could get some answers.  He had made some food for a picnic.  I felt quite excited even though I was totally exhausted and every movement was like a burning hot sword slicing through my body.

Sheldon, Devon

Shaldon, Devon

At Shaldon I took in the fresh briny air, listened with contentment to the screaming gulls and listened to the relentless ebb and flow of the magnificent emerald blue sea. The sea to me is like my life force, I am obsessed with it. I was glad I had made the effort.  I had hobbled into a cafe where we had a delicious hot chocolate, the dogs were in their element running around the sandy beach, I felt almost human.  Healthy people take for granted what they are able to do every day, we however, suffering with chronic illness, see the most smallest things as a magnificent treat.

I then started to get drop dead tired so Jay drove me to Labrador Bay where we ate the picnic in the car.Labrador Bay

It was simply stunning.  He then said, ‘Right let’s see what the angels have to say!‘ I put my roll down, took a deep breath, closed me eyes asking for answers in my mind, and selected the cards:

THE POWER OF ANGEL MESSAGES

ARCHANGEL GABRIEL  Gabriel is deeply concerned about children’s welfare and their healing.  Gabriel helps earthly messengers such as teach­ers and writers. This Arch­angel acts like a Heavenly agent and manager who motivates you to polish your skills. Gabriel then opens the door of opportunity for you to work in your chosen career, and gives you a loving push through it if you hesitate.

Wow, he was over seeing my childhood healing! Yet again, the writing had come up.

You are experiencing temporary set backs.  Do not compare yourself to others and also be aware of their motives.

Good the setbacks were temporary.  A reminder to keep myself safe from harmful humans and to not be resenting everyone else’s healthy lives.  I had been doing a lot of that recently.

ARCHANGEL RAGUEL   Justice, better finances and paying off of all debts

OMG! He was still with me and was reminding me my debt would be sorted! Could the justice be about my road accident and all of the loss?

New Career.  You must make yourself ready as your path is about to change.  Do not doubt your abilities in this new arena of your life

WOW! You just couldn’t write it.  How amazing were those messages.  I felt a new surge of hope snake through me.  But writing? Really, as a career? We would see.  Angel cards are so helpful and I always find are totally relevant to your needs.

How to use angel cards

I ask a question or sometimes just ask for a little guidance. You can do them daily or when you really need direction. I close my eyes, still my mind, then pick up to four cards, however many I feel to take at the time.  You either feel drawn to what card you want to take or sometimes they fall out of the pack when you are shuffling.  They ALWAYS explain my predicament or take me forward.  Sometimes they tell you what you don’t want to hear, but follow their advice!  I have many favourite packs.  I think the best thing to do is look at various packs and see which ones you are instantly attracted to if you want to start using them.  To be honest you can never go wrong with Doreen Virtue.

Doreen Virtue angel cards

Here’s a link to help you get going.  These are my current ones that I use.  They are angel essence mixed with the divinity of tarot.  Have a go, you really will get results.

B and Q

After our lunch I felt a little euphoric.  So on the way home I decided to stop in at B and Q to get some plants for my new garden.  It was a stupid move as I had already used all of my spoons for that day. This is what I mean by spoons!

Spoons for the day!

Spoons for the day!

As I hobbled into the store, I stopped right by the entrance and realised I just couldn’t move another inch.  I felt dizzy and unbalanced and just wanted to lay down.  Every muscle was screaming, it felt like my whole body was spewing lactic acid.  I started to feel an anxiety attack come on and just wanted to be home and in bed laying horizontal.  Unless you have this condition you have no idea how delicious it is to lay down, it’s like a wave of relief seeping through every nerve and fibre.

Sitting up is using a spoon, talking, listening, absolutely ANYTHING apart from laying down quietly is a spoon.  So on some days a talk with your friend or cleaning your teeth is the option, one or the other, not both.

Anyway back to B and Q,  I was obviously an impressive shade of green and white as Jay asked if I was alright.  I couldn’t reply.

One of the staff then came over and before I knew it I was shoved in a wheelchair.  I was horrified.  I was not disabled.  I was just ill for a while.  I could get up, I wasn’t going to be one of those people that  the public looked at  with a pitying glance as you were wheeled along.  I then had a battle right then and there in Torquay’s  B and Q.  I was crying and struggling to accept the predicament I was in.

A wheelchair user, disabled, no independence, useless, needy battled with comfortable, able to go to the shops, no more extra pain.  It was like my mind did not want to accept the inevitable.

But as Jay pushed me along, my muscles screaming their thanks, I realised that I had to surrender.  Yes, I was being pushed around, but I could look at the plants and see more than I had ever seen in months. I just felt like if I accepted that I couldn’t walk anywhere or get help, then it would be my reality forever.  I didn’t want to be disabled.  I wanted to be well and mobile and strong again.

But deep down, I knew that it was time to accept and embrace my current status.  The GP was wrong, I WAS disabled.  I needed a wheelchair for the time being.  I had to grow up and accept my situation, no use fighting anymore.

I remember looking at a fuschia and thinking,  ‘Ok, if that’s what my body needs for now, so be it.’

The plant of acceptance...

The plant of acceptance…

That special day fuelled by my angel cards lead me to get help and finally admit I needed to send out an SOS.  I had to stop ‘going it alone’.  Believe me it was a hell of a fight to accept this.  When you are a survivor, strong in will and totally independent, to accept help and the fact that it was vital to your daily routine was one of the most difficult things I ever had to come to terms with.

This final revelation lead to so many miraculous changes,  that I will never forget that special day and was so glad my body disintegrated in B an Q!


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sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 10

 

FOCUS, HEAL, FIGHT AND WRITE

So I thought that I had done well getting through the abuse nightmares, but obviously not.  Another exceptionally scary part of ME/ Fibro are the severe mood swings.  You have absolutely NO control over your emotions whatsoever.  For instance, yesterday I actually managed to get out and get myself dressed, all be it very slowly!  I sat by the most breath taking view of the river Parrett, looking out to contented cows munching on their delicious banquet of emerald green velvet, birdsong creating the most tantalising orchestra and countryside views that were simply stunning. I listened to the odd aquatic plop of a jumping Chub in the ever flowing river, feeling serene.

Anyone would have felt at peace and completely at one

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

with nature in this place.  It is hard to understand from someone who doesn’t suffer from this condition, but even though part of me was adoring just sitting still taking in the environment, there was a dark melodic song miserably wailing somewhere within, alerting me to the fact that sadness and anxiety were happily swimming through my consciousness just like the fish in the river.  You don’t feel depressed, you don’t have any reason to feel sad but your brain just decides that is what it is going to do for the day.

DOCTOR VISIT

So going back to January 2015, I was experiencing the most volatile mood swings I could have ever imagined.  The anxiety attacks were frightening and constant and to add to it I had a seriously ugly red blotched rash covering my hands and arms.  They looked like sores, they were disgusting.  So in the end I decided to make an appointment with my GP as the receptionist said the GP was too busy to come out to me and was it an emergency.  My friend was supposed to take me but she was kept at work.  I couldn’t afford a taxi so I decided rather stupidly to drive the two miles to the surgery in Brixham.  I wished that I hadn’t even bothered.

I walked into the room and straight away I burst into tears.  I couldn’t stop myself from wailing out every fear and worry.  I explained about the debt people hounding me every day, the anxiety attacks, the fact that I thought I should be put in a psych ward as I couldn’t cope with the mood swings and about my non existent life coping with the pain and exhaustion.

This was the following conversation.  As an ex police officer, I was so enraged I made original notes straight after!! lol

Dr sighs: Well I can give you some cream for the rash, but I have to say, you need to get a grip.

me: What do you mean?

Dr: Well it’s not as if you are disabled or anything, it’s not as if you have a broken limb

me: It’s not as if I’m disabled! (I repeat sarcastically)

Dr: Well no you managed to drive here, you are dressed and can carry that bag.

Me: I have my pyjama top on and a pair of jogging bottoms with no underwear, the bag is empty to carry my prescription and I had no choice but to drive.  It took me two hours to get out of my bed to the car and I will now no doubt be in bed for days because of the effort it took to get here!

Dr: Well that’s just it, straight away you are putting yourself in a negative thought pattern by saying you will end up in bed

Me: (raising my voice) Well that’s because it’s fact, I have been going through this for three years!

Dr: Why didn’t you get a taxi if you are so ill?

Me: Because I couldn’t afford it. Have you been listening?  Banks and debt collectors are calling and sending threatening letters every day.  Sometimes I can’t even buy food as I am paying all the debt off!

Dr: Well why don’t you go back to work?

Me: Why don’t I go back to work, are you serious?

Dr: As I said it’s not as if you are disabled

Me: Of course I am! I can’t look after myself I lay in bed month after month laying in my own urine, eating shit and rotting away like a ninety year old! (Shouting at this point)

Dr: I am not arguing with you Nichola, don’t use that language with me

Me (crying my eyes out) I can’t believe this, I can’t believe my Dr is saying this to me

Dr: Well as I said I am not arguing with you, you need to start getting dressed every day and forcing yourself to get out

Me: Just give me my cream

I then tried my best to march out of the door, but wasn’t very effective at a snail pace hobble!

What a wonderful supportive doctor, stupid cow!  It is the GP’s like this who make our lives a misery.  What is it about this condition that there is such a lack of knowledge and understanding with some GP’s?  I was hurt, exceptionally upset and my brain started to tell me that I was making it all up and a hypochondriac. If my GP wasn’t backing me up then who would? I stood crying as I got my cream at the pharmacy.  The pharmacist asked if I was ok, I just said, ‘I’m upset because my GP is disgusting!‘  Haha, what a thing to say.

So ladies and gents, my advice here is OWN IT!  Do not allow your GP to judge you or dismiss your illness due to their ignorance, whatever your illness is.  Complain about them if you are not happy.  ME and Fibro are the most misunderstood and disregarded conditions in this country.  I am so amazed by the lack of support and understanding. Speak out, we need to be heard!  Now, I would have given her what for, but I was so emotionally and mentally weak back then.  I just limped out of the surgery feeling even worse than I had before I went in.  I let her words haunt me, so the following day I forced myself to walk around the cemetery, obviously this lead to more pain and exhaustion, so promptly stopped after day two!

Own it!

Own it!

The cream did absolutely nothing to remove the blotches, I assumed they were another part of the illness, so just allowed them to spread and stopped using the cream.  I started using Lavendar and wheatgerm oil instead, smelled nice, but did nothing at all, at least it stopped the soreness!  The rash disappeared about six months after as if it have never been there, but left some nasty scars. Weird one!

SPIRALLING DOWN

From that day I was on a roller coaster of emotion, it was torturous.  One minute I was smiling listening to the birds, the next I was raging and wanted to kill the stupid cow who had smashed into me and caused all of this.  I spoke to no one.  Who wanted to hear my rantings?

But something weird happened, that jolted me into making efforts to snap out of the spiralling.

It was in the early hours of 23 Jan 2015.  I was looking after my friends dog Zeus (bless you Zeus, hope you are enjoying the rainbow bridge x) He was a very placid dog and very quiet.  But he woke me up by suddenly growling and barking.

I looked at the clock and it was 3.33.  I couldn’t understand what he was barking at, he stood at my bedroom door barking at an invisible space on the landing.  I was terrified as I thought there may be a burglar.  Then there was the most almighty crash.  It sounded like my front door had been kicked in.  My two little dogs then woke up and started barking as well.  It was complete chaos.  I grabbed the phone and started to dial 999 as I was convinced I was getting broken into.  Visions of being faced with an intruder started to flash through my mind.  My whole body started shaking as I looked around for a weapon. My ears were straining to hear where the intruders were in the house.

DREAM OR CELESTIAL?

But then as if I had dreamt it, Zeus sat down and stopped barking.  My two babies, stopped aswell and laid down promptly going back to sleep.  My heart was pounding, it was like there was a huge drum banging through my ears.  I was breathing frantically and still straining to hear for sound.  Zeus, then literally fell asleep, snoring his head off!

I listened for a little longer, finger hovering over the last 9 on my phone.  But there was nothing, complete silence.

Don't go down there!

Don’t go down there!

Now, you know when you watch a scary film and the victim walks into the darkness and you wait for the high violin stringed music to signal their impending death?  Yeah well that was me.  You would ordinarily scream, ‘Don’t go down there!’ But I put the phone in my pocket and shaking like a nutter, holding a back scratcher (Come on!  I could find no other weapon!) I furtively walked onto the landing stepping over the snoring Rotweiler, that should have been alert and guarding my back!  I stood on that landing for an eternity, sweat was running down my back as I was in my mind waiting for the violin music! Haha.  My back started to scream out in pain, so it was either return to my bed or hobble down the stairs.  I bravely or stupidly chose the latter.  I walked around the dark house and found nothing to explain the huge smash.  Everything was in order.  Nothing was out of place.  As I sat on the settee looking out to the cemetery it hit me like a thunderbolt.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

It was the 23 January, exactly THREE years to the day that I had had my road accident. I then remembered the time this incident had started 3.33.  I then tingled from head to toe.  I had been given a sign.  They were still with me, I was convinced.  They were making their presence known.  They were bringing to my attention that I wasn’t going through this hell alone.  I WASN’T ALONE!

I smiled as I looked out onto all of the silvery graves animated by the clouds flurrying before the moon.  It looked as if the shadows were dancing, celebrating, living.

I need to carry on fighting‘  I said out loud.

‘I need to dance and celebrate in my mind even if I can’t do it physically

A new resolve started to snake through me.  This bitch wasn’t going to beat me.

I then laughed as I put a vision in my mind of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!’ Yes get away from me, you filthy condition.  I heaved a huge sigh, said thank you to the angels, but they must have felt my niggling doubt that the smash and the time of the incident was a coincidence, because, like the alien, they kept on coming.

 

ANGELS

Every night from that night on, call it coincidence or not I was woken at 3.33.  I, as an open minded sceptic just assumed it was a natural occurrence, my brain registering that time every night to wake up.  Up above must have heard my mutinous thoughts!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won't load the proper way up? Weirdy!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won’t load the proper way up? Weirdy!

On Fri 13 Feb, I woke up to go to the toilet.  As I was in the bathroom, I heard voices and thought, ‘What now?’ I went upstairs and the television had turned itself on.  The remote was on the distant bed side cabinet. So I hadn’t leaned on it by accident or anything. I noted the time as 3.36 so I must have woken again at 3.33.  Amazingly the channel number was 369 and had stayed displayed on the screen in the top left hand corner, which ordinarily it doesn’t.  It was the Vintage Channel which I don’t really watch and certainly was not watching the previous evening.

369, Angel numbers.  I then heard a voice say Raguel.

My wing man

My wing man

Now I had never heard of this name before, so of course, I googled it:

To my absolute delight, it was a name of an Archangel.  I smiled as I read what he was responsible for.

Archangel Raguel working on the light blue ray is the Archangel of justice, harmony, peace, miracles and love.  He brings end to injustice, people and relationships from the past.

So was he here to balance the karma? Was that why I had had the dreams about my past abuse?  Was he here to heal me of my past hurts and friends who had turned their backs on me?  Was I going to get compensation for my life altering injury? Would I ever get a home again? Would the debt be dealt with? I looked around my bedroom, everything I had in there was pale blue and teal, colours I never usually was attracted to.  I had surrounded myself with his colour without even realising it.  I spoke out loud, ‘Archangel Raphael, I give you permission to enter my life and my soul and help me to heal from the injustice and hurt that has been brought upon me, I thank you for coming to me.’  That’s all you need to say really, when you invoke an angel.

MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD. OVER.

I then excitedly googled 369:

Angel number 369 is a message from your angels to continue forth upon your life purpose and soul mission, safe in the knowledge that your material wants and needs will be met as needed.  Your lightworking duties to serve and help humanity are important and you are being encouraged to put extra focus on your spiritual path and purpose.  Devote yourself to your soul mission without delay.

Your positive affirmations about your spiritual path and purpose have been heard and you are being responded to by the angels and those in higher realms.  Listen to your intuition and take action as guided.

Give any fears of monetary issues to the angels and get on with pursuing your purpose.  The angels, archangels and ascended masters fully support you and will ensure that your material wants and needs are met as you carry on your lightwork.

Research, study, schooling, education and learning will enhance and help your life purpose, personal growth and development at this time.  The angels will guide and help your need to learn and grow.

I then remembered with shocking clarity the angel necklace that I had found in a packing box the day before.

It was blue satin, with a light blue angel pendant on it.  I never remembered buying it or receiving it as a gift and as I touched it around my neck, I realised that it was the colour of Archangel Raguel. I then had a clear abrupt vision of my book.  The front cover was a picture of the Earth and human shadows in front of the Earth that depicted the Earth Walkers.

My destiny was to write and learn a new trade, I realised that now.  Write the direct word channeled from The Omnipresence and the angel realms.  My goal was clear.

After that magical night, a shift had taken place.  I let the phone ring on and on as I recognised the debt collectors numbers, smiling knowing that when the time was right, I would take them on and the banks with strength.  I just knew that it would be dealt with when it needed to be. It no longer haunted me. Justice would be done, I would be helped out materially, so all I had to do was focus, heal, fight and write.  I knew without any reservation that I was definitely being carried in the love and safety of the angel realms.

That night I slept like a baby.  They had finally reached me and had stopped the fear that had been eating away at my insides daily.  They were patient, but insistent and finally after all of their efforts, I was getting the message.

I felt truly blessed x

 

 


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Divine Intervention

Chronic illness, the light and the dark

WRITING BOOKS WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS, WHAT WAS I THINKING, NOTHING MUCH!

‘So what was the inspiration behind your book?’ I sat chewing my pen and had no clue how to answer that question.  I was filling out a questionnaire for a writing consultant and can honestly say that I had no inspiration to write for a living whatsoever.  Weird right?  Most people would most probably have a writing passion from birth or a previous life, lol, but not me!

Don’t get me wrong, I had always loved creative writing and had regular articles in many mainstream UK magazines, but to even think of writing blogs and books was beyond my remit.  You see, I never had a choice, it was thrust upon me in the most weirdest magical way.

THE WONDER OF DREAMS

Divine Intervention

Divine Intervention

In February 2014, I woke up after the most magnificent dream.  I was left in complete euphoria. I was desperately trying to resist my reality as I became more awake. I wanted to sink back into the wondrous pool of fantasy I was mercilessly being dragged from.  The dream was full of angels, miracles, world struggles, heaven and heroes.  ‘It was just a dream!’ You say. No, I haven’t mentioned yet about the fact that I’m a bit different from most people.  Since birth, I have been aware of spirit people, angels and other beings.  I was born into many generations of healers, mediums and psychics before me.  I was taking on a very important legacy that saw me leaving my career as a policeOn the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford detective and travelling globally to teach, demonstrate and investigate the magnificence of the afterlife.  My life was busy but amazing. I was relentless in helping humankind to understand how to cope with the pain of physical loss and understand the eternal journey of the soul.  I worked hard, played hard and loved my life. But oh how the brakes got firmly slammed on that existence!

 

On the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford

ACCIDENT

I had luckily worked my way up to becoming a well respected international medium and the world I saw, was literally my oyster.  But in January 2012, a few seconds changed my life forever. Those few seconds lead me two years later to be single, no career, no social life, homeless, debt laden, bed bound and in the darkest place of my life.  I had been T boned in a road accident by a young girl, that curiously left me in agonising pain on impact and bed bound experiencing the most debilitating exhaustion.  After a year of countless hospital appointments, doctors, specialists and physios, I was diagnosed with trauma related ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia.  I was happy with the diagnosis as I now knew what to fight, but as the months spread into years I realised there was no cure and I was just chasing the next ‘miracle cure’, after the next. Eating impossible diets and drinking every elixir I could get my hands on was my focus in life.  The biggest fight was to grieve my previous life and accept my new one.  I still have days now when I inadvertently find myself on that familiar battle ground.

Me before the accident

Me before the accident

To this.... after the accident

To this…. after the accident

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WRITING CAREER

So inspiration to write books and blogs? None existent.  I was just laying in a dark pool of misery just managing to get through each day through the numerous symptoms of my particular chronic illness.  Full body pain in every joint, nerve and fibre, blurred vision, excrutiating pain with no let up, dizziness, sore throats, brain fog, depression, exhaustion beyond anything I could imagine to name but a few.  The list of symptoms is endless and like a relentless machine crawls it’s way through your whole being in any way it wants despite any efforts to stop it.

The severity of CFS/ME

The severity of CFS/ME

So as I laid in the misery of my reality crying out to the angels or anyone that would listen, then at the eleventh hour, the dream arrived.  I knew the dream I had just had, being lucid and strong,  was a direct message from the angel realms as a loud voice boomed, ‘You shall write what you have dreamt.’   I got up straight after the dream and literally started writing like a woman possessed.  The first six chapters were laid out before me without hardly taking a breath.  I had no brain fog as I wrote and just literally typed out my dream, recalling all of the events with such a startling reality, it would give me goosebumps with every word.  In fact my head is tingling now and I’m goosing up as I write! 🙂  It also felt as if a silent voice was telling me what to write next, it was and still is an intriguing phenomena.  EARTH WALKERS the first book of a trilogy was finished in a matter of months. It was a beautiful way to relay my spiritual knowledge and expertise, fantasy fiction, laced with subliminal spiritual education.

But it hasn’t all been plain sailing.  Sometimes you have not got the strength or the thought process to write.  My hands and fingers can be so swollen and so painful that I couldn’t write even if I tried.  The delicious part was without a doubt though, being able to become absorbed in the writing.  It was like I could escape the confines of my caged body and sail through the realms of fantasy.  I started to see my writing as a kind of ‘fix’.  I started to feel excited that I could take myself away from my reality and bath in the delicious depths of fiction and fantasy.  It also hit me that I could still help people through my words rather than through theatres, television and workshops.  It was a win win situation.

BLOG

I told someone recently about what I am telling you and they said, ‘My God this is amazing, why are you not telling anyone about all of this, your story?  I could just listen to you forever.’  So a few weeks ago I started my first ever regular blog, ‘ME myself and I.  My Soul Diaries.’  Writing the blogs has definitely been cathartic, I have relived the worst time of my life and through faith and miracles can look back and see how far I have come.  I can also reach and hopefully inspire chronic illness sufferers as well as lace my life chronicles with spiritual understanding and the true magic that the celestial realms can bring.

COPING WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS

My next stage is to start the frightening step of sending my book out to agents.  But if it originally came from a psychic dream, surely it will flow and get out to where it needs to go?  All I know is, is that chronic illness can rob you of everything, but not your mind and soul.  If your mind is positive, your day can be bright irrespective of whether you are in bed or able to hobble around. However, if you choose to be in the darkness, then you will lay in a morbid pit of misery, despair and loneliness.  IT’S YOUR CHOICE!

If you suffer from chronic illness, reach out, ask for help and love yourself, putting everything second to your physical and mental well being.  If you are surrounded by negative people, extricate them from your life.  Nothing can exacerbate your condition more than stress and a negative environment and people. I have also found chronic illness forums on facebook invaluable and have made some very special friends who totally understand me as they are going through it themselves.  The biggest problem was educating my friends and family about this invisible illness.  If I had a pound for every:

‘But you look well are you better now?’

‘If you just force yourself up and push through it’

‘You should exercise to get moving again’

‘It doesn’t help you sleeping all the time’ (With a subliminal look of accusing you of being lazy)

I would be living in a mansion with a therapy unit, hydrotherapy pool, private therapist, chef and carer!  The beauty of my five year journey has been that I have had a chance to heal and reflect on my relationship with me.  I now love myself in a healthy way and refuse to be put in stressful situations, as I know that when I am exposed to difficult situations, my ‘new brain’ loses the ability to cope.  So I write when I’m able and rest when I should and take every day as it comes.  Be kind to yourself and do not let others judge how you feel or how you should be. Stop any of that nonsense in its tracks.

Love is key, to learn to love yourself and to be surrounded by it is vital.  My grieving process is full circle and I now find myself in the stage of acceptance. But cant lie, I do have wobbly days, I am only human after all! As I write this my lungs are hurting with each breath, my ribs feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand hot needles, my lips are full of cold sores, my feet are on fire and are swollen, my fingers and wrists are aching, BUT I get to share my story with you beautiful people and my office is my bed, writing in my PJ’s next to my two little dogs!  Lucky me!

I do hope that one day there may be a cure or this crippling ailment will leave me, but for the time being I shall stop chasing miracle cures, be the best person that I can be, continue to write and take each day as it comes…

Be Strong, be kind, BE YOU!

Be Strong, be kind, BE YOU!

I wish you strength, love, happiness and peace and hope that my little input has inspired you,

Lots of Love

Nicky Alan xxx


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'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 8

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

Hi everyone,

It’s great to see that people are commenting on the blogs themselves. I would love a community to build up here so we can help each other and discuss my blogs.  So please don’t be shy, add your thoughts!

So where were we?

MY NEW HOME

Yes, I had just moved into my cottage in Kingswear Cemetery. It is a solitary cottage completely surrounded by forestry and of course graves! I had no neighbours, nothing but nature.  I was so relived that after 8 months I finally had my own space and a place to call home.  I had never rented a house in my life so was feeling a little vulnerable but grateful. Jay had stayed for a couple of days so that I settled in.  I was then alone. I woke up and went downstairs and looked at all the moving boxes around me feeling a little intimated  with the mammoth task ahead. A lot of my stuff had been in storage and was full of mould. It was what I had clawed together before I had said goodbye to my house in Essex that I adored.

THE CRASH 7 NOV 2014

I stood looking out to the cemetery, it then hit me. It felt like my life force where the last morsels of sand running out in an hour glass had dropped their last grain.  I then literally felt every single bit of energy seep from my body. I started to shake and get heart palpitations, feeling dizzy I stumbled to the settee fighting for breath clutching my chest. I laid down panicking, no this wasn’t happening, I had been free to get around all summer, this just couldn’t be happening. The snarling beast of ME sauntered towards me it’s gnarled fingers reaching out to claim it’s prize. I was now about to pay for all of my activity throughout the summer.  The pain started to snake through my body until each breath felt like I was breathing in shards of glass. As tears stung my eyes I fell into a dreamless sleep, the only option, submission.

I woke up and it was dark.

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

My Earth angels Teddy and Mia

I could hardly move and guiltily looked at two pairs of staring eyes. My dogs needed feeding, so I staggered to the kitchen every limb shaking from the effort and fed them. I had a glass of water then went straight to my bed and woke up again the following afternoon.

The sheets were drenched. Another symptom, excessive sweating, I was far too weak to change the sheets so I just chucked a towel over the soaked stinking mess.

My body was trembling so violently that I was terrified.   It took a little while to realise that I had no bladder control so I stuffed a towel around my bottom aswell.

I could hear a low growling moan, it took a few minutes to realise it was coming from me.

I realised that I had unleashed my lion over the last few months and had brought myself into the worst ME crash ever.

I thought that I had been through the worst.

How wrong was I.

THE LION AND THE MOUSE

'The Lion and the mouse should live in harmony'

This would be an opportune time to explain the LION and the MOUSE.

I was doing a trance demonstration once and as ever the exuberant Julianus came to the fore.  He was asked a question about what is the human soul and how is it different from our spirit.

This was his answer.

‘The spirit Is our essence. It reflects the colours and light that we perpetually carry and beam out. We exist in the ever moving ebb and flow of the universe. It is our identifying light amongst all the others that live within every living thing.

Your soul is your story, consciousness and core of intelligence.

When you incarnate onto the earth you need to cope with it’s heavy resonance and that of other humans.

It is like when Nichola dives. She needs equipment to manage the different atmosphere. The lower part of your soul that covers the heart chakra to the base chakra is the necessary equipment to help mange your material life. It reflects the same energy vibration of Earth life.  The higher part of the soul is your light connection to us and the universe. From your heart to your crown chakra.

For human purposes the higher part of the soul we shall call the ‘mouse.’  The tiny voice that feeds us all we need from the universe to live a spiritually connected life as a human.

The lower part we shall call the ‘lion.’ It roars with ego and human emotion and threatens the mouse’s tiny voice if you let it. The trick is to allow both mouse and lion to live in harmony. Once the lion roars too loudly for too long, the mouse is frightened, voiceless and becomes lost in the human experience.

How very simple!  So my lion roared all through summer, I MUST WORK, I MUST RECORD A CD, I MUST BOOK A NEW COURSE, I MUST BOOK SHOWS. My poor little mouse was trying to shriek above the roars to warn me of my frailty but I refused to shut the lion up.

You always know when you have gone wrong as nothing flows. Let this be my wisdom to you, if you keep trying something and it repeatedly fails and nothing flows from it, CHANGE DIRECTION.  When it is right, it will flow with everything dropped in front of you with no effort at all.

My CD hardly sold as I wasn’t able to get out there and promote it.  I was mortified, my friend Mark had arranged the production and recording facilities and it had failed. It was the first ever failure in my career, I was so embarassed,  the Universe was not allowing it to flow AT ALL.  I felt no one was interested in my work anymore, I was nothing, an old urban legend of a once good medium.  I should never had abused my energy to get it done.  The lion wanted to get it out there to help people, keep me in the loop as a medium and of course the funds were to help me survive as I was hardly working. The mouse was obviously trying to tell me to rest, take time out and heal. I remembered Julianus’ words when I was on Berry head, ‘last chance, don’t abuse it.’

Jay phoned to ask how I was, he was one of the very few I would pick the phone up to. I cried, I moaned, I screamed. He just listened but then he said something was niggling him, he was preoccupied all the time with the fact I had heard nothing from the solicitor who was representing me for the accident. Materially I was hanging in there for a payout. Without that I was truly in dire straits.

Jay kept on insisting that I phoned up to check what was going on. In the end just to shut him up, I emailed.

THE SHAME OF THE COURT SYSTEM

Long story short, the solicitor had done absolutely nothing with my case. It had sat in a pile as it was deemed a ‘complex case’ and obviously he didn’t want to deal with it. In three months time I would lose the chance to make a claim on the accident. I tried to complain through the ombudsman but they, all as most corporations do, close ranks.

When it dawned on me that I might not get any compensation at all, that’s when the anxiety attacks really kicked in. I would lay their wild eyed gasping for breath thinking I was having a heart attack. Thinking back on this time I feel quite nauseous remembering it. I was in my worst hell.  I hung on to the fact that I could use the money for care, a cleaner, private treatment and potentially my own home again. The desolation hit me every minute.  I felt doomed to the core.

Now just changing the subject a little, I have names that hold a particular energy.

David is a massively important name and men with this name have always represented help to me, it is also the code name my dad uses when he visits me from the spirit world as it was his best friends name.

Mark is another one. Mark’s in my life  are always there supporting in the background and want nothing in return.

So the next day when I saw the name Mark at a local solicitors firm I called him.

I don’t know how he understood my story as I was hysterically crying and reeling out my predicament about my solicitor failing me. I asked if he could help.

I will never forget his words,

‘Nicky ordinarily I never take on a case from another solicitor, but after hearing your story and how you have been so desperately let down, I’m taking this on, but I can’t promise you anything’

I felt so relieved.  Mark applied for an extension and registered the accident with the court, he was amazing, but this is what really angers me.  The law and the courts recognise ME and Fibromyalgia as a ‘malingerers’ disease. Not real. They also will not accept that road accidents can create this condition. So every knock and bang in my medical history was put down to this condition  going to happen anyway. The fact I was bed bound and in agony directly after the impact was not relevant at all.

Mark had only a few months to get all of the evidence together which wasn’t long enough. I was going to lose out big time. It also wasn’t relevant that I had lost my career, my two homes and my whole life. You can’t claim for that. So these people that sue in America for being upset over a news report seemed more important than my accident that wasn’t my fault, my illness and my non existent life. It made me want to puke.

Oh how the Lion roared. I felt hard done by, an enormous sense of injustice and a vitriolic anger that lived within me for the foreseeable future.  I also went back to self hate, as I had obviously deserved all of this misery.

The lion despite everything, still made me grip determinedly to my career, I wasn’t going to lose it, so I stupidly decided I would do a show on the 17 December at Lupton.

THE FINALE OF MY CAREER

Dragging myself through

Dragging myself through

The show had the lowest energy I have ever worked with in my life. I struggled with every link in the first half, the spirit people were walking all over me, jumping in and out whenever they pleased, jumbling all of the messages up and confusing me.  I was too weak to control them. When the first half ended the relief was tangible.  I went into the back room during half time and as I made my way to the settee my legs gave out from under me. I was trembling and felt like I was going to vomit, I couldn’t stop crying and felt so exhausted. I trowelled more makeup on and to my utter shame looking back, I necked three cans of red bull, oral morphine and vodka to try and keep me going for the second half. I am ashamed, but this blog of my soul journey has to be my truth, whether it is pretty or ugly.

It was at that point that I knew I had to surrender. It was over.

‘Enough Nicky, no more’ I said to myself.

I then walked up onto the stage, fake smile plastered onto my face, when all I wanted to do was collapse onto the floor and cry my heart out.

How I got through that night I will never know.  My grandad Fred came in the second half to help me.  When I got home I realised that there was to be no more public appearances and demonstrations. This was another thing I had to grieve as I cancelled everything and cut my work phone off.  As far as I was concerned my career was over and the stupid dream I had had about the Earth Walkers was just that, a far away dream that would never come to any fruition.

BACK TO BLACK

I was back in my dark, claustrophobic pit and this time, I didn’t want to get out of it. I wanted to rot away.  I wanted to starve my soul, mind and body until I was no good for this earth and would be taken back home.

Every night I begged God to take me back home as  I couldn’t do my Earth experience any more.  Suicide was like a morbid fantasy weaving its way through my consciousness at any given moment. But every time I looked at my little babies eyes staring at me I couldn’t imagine abandoning them like life had abandoned me, so I just sat in the fantasy of death hoping that the decision would be made for me.

I was also putting on weight. With no exercise and a diet of biscuits and cake, each gained pound corroborated my abhorrent view of myself. The lion told me I would never be attractive again, nobody would ever want me and that I was to be alone forever. The downward spiral was on full throttle and I had no intention of slamming on the brakes.

THE SERAPHIM

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarachy

Seraphim, the oldest order of angel heirarchy

One night as usual I was awake, the insomnia was horrific. I slept for days then was awake for weeks with no respite.

I heard a female voice which sounded like singing. Despite me living in a cemetery it was not haunted at all. It was 3.33 in the morning when my phone turned itself on and started playing music, angel meditation music.

Angel number 333. I then heard a low rumbling and knew that something was about to happen.

Julianus then said,

‘We have provided this dwelling as a sanctuary. It will be protective, it will be completely for your healing. It is your castle and we will ward off anything that will bring harm’

I then saw in my minds eye a huge Seraphim growing bigger and bigger and folding her colossal black wings around the house.

Seraphim are one of the oldest, highest forms of the angel hierarchy.  They are God’s warriors. ( I had learned this in my dream for Earth Walkers) They were creating a bubble for me to reside in to heal, whilst obviously the soul boot camp exploded to a higher more intense level.

I then saw a shimmering light on my landing and Catherine, my guide of prophecy and Khan stood smiling at me with such a  look of humility that I started to cry.

I whispered,  ‘Please help me!’

The only reply that I received was, ‘Help yourself and we shall carry you through the journey’

I didn’t want to hear this, I wanted a magical miracle to transport me to a proper life free of ill health. But we never get what we want, we can only achieve our goals through hard work and introspection.

I thought I had had a hard life, but this was just the beginning.

I was to be put though the mill, squeezed through the wrangle until every single thing that held darkness was wrung out of me drip by agonising drip.

The first lesson was dealing with my abuse as a child and teenager.  The horrors of my past that had been locked away, were now being reopened and put right in front of my face.

Believe me when I say, they refused to leave until I lived through every single experience they gave me, the only option was to engage with them or allow their misery to haunt me…..


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Earth Angels

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries no 7

EARTH ANGELS

Hi everyone,

I have been asked to write a blog for a Canadian group so I am pleased that I am reaching people and so humbled to have been asked!  This is my only way to reach you, so I truly hope that you enjoy my posts. Please share it with your family and friends 🙂

My next obstacles in my life that were making me stress every day were the work commitments that I felt too weak to cancel, I was too scared to face the back lash.  I was so worried about upsetting people.   With this condition your ability to cope with the most smallest problems is non existent.  I can only describe it as a blank spot.  As soon as anything gets too much you get an adrenaline rush and you just want to fly not fight and your mind goes completely numb, like a flatline.  Bearing in mind I used to be a strong minded police officer who could cope with any dramatic situation, this particular part of the illness was as if an alien had deposited itself in my brain and had sucked dry my coping mechanism.  I couldn’t even cope with answering the phone or opening a letter.

Coping with emotion is non existent

Coping with emotion is non existent

I had a weekend retreat booked and evenings of mediumship in Grays and Dartford.  They were both sold out, I couldn’t let the audience down or the centres.  How the hell was I going to carry this out when I couldn’t even last a day without sleeping? I couldn’t think straight and was in massive pain despite the Morphine, Tramadol, Codeine and god knows what other opiates the doctors were shoving down my throat.  I was drinking cans of red bull to keep me up, countless cans. My new alien brain had also changed my tastes, I could no longer stand tea and craved sweet things and coffee BIG TIME.

NIGHTMARES

I started to get nightmares all of the time, of standing in front of audiences and them booing me. It was horror every time I went to sleep.  Stress then causes other symptoms so I ended up with urinary problems, gynae problems, incontinence, skull shattering headaches, severe depression and extreme pain that made you want to die just to end the suffering.

I was desperate to hold on to my magical dream of the book, but in the darkest times, it was a distant unrealistic dream.

I ended up in hospital which was brutal as I attended alone and felt so desolate and unloved.

I saw family members kissing their loved ones and visiting and it just made me feel worse.

When I look back at this time I could kick myself rather sharply in the derrière as all I had to do was cancel all of the work. But I didn’t have the strength or self love that I have now.

I suffer NOTHING from anyone anymore and speak my truth. It is their problem how they react to my truth.  Everyone take a lesson from that.  Own your illness, own your boundaries and refuse to be amongst negative people or people that make you feel devalued.  It’s like an insipid cancer, it will eat away at your already frail state! Get rid of negative people and situations!

THE RETREAT

The retreat was in June of that year 2014 and as each day passed I prayed for a miracle, it was like a count down to the guillotine. I was so scared, I was going to let down all these beautiful people who had paid to come and learn from me.  The hospital visit and operation had solved a few problems so at least that was sorted.

Every time I tried to reach Julianus I heard silence and found my brain would not allow the focus I needed to reach that loving alpha brain wave state.

Then something miraculous happened.

About a week before the dreaded date of the retreat, I woke up and actually felt a little energy. My pain was still there in every joint and limb but it was manageable. Our pain equation I’m sure is so extreme to other healthy people. Our ‘good’ pain day is most probably for healthy people a worry that would send them scurrying to the doctors.

So I started to get up and about, I even managed short walks with my babies. It was amazing.

As I was walking along Berry head in Devon one day, Julianus came through sure and clear .

‘This is your last chance to reach humans, use it wisely’

They had given me strength to get through the work, I just knew it, but I felt the warning I was not to abuse it.  But did I listen? No I didn’t, I made yet another one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

The retreat was at the Seekers Trust in Kent. I was left there alone with no help which really, really angered me. I was supposed to have people helping me, but I was left to cope 24/7 with all of my students.  But then the next miracle came, a lot of the students suffered with the same condition as me and were so understanding.  It was magical, they were beautiful people who helped me out tremendously and we all muddled together.  To say it was a stunning experience is an understatement!

THE SHOWS

So after a successful retreat, the shows were next.

Some of my beautiful ladies at Seekers Trust

Some of my beautiful ladies at Seekers Trust

Dartford, The Light on The Hill spiritualist centre with Trevor and Pat was my most favourite place to work, I adored it and the audience were always fantastic.  Again I was amazed at the fact I had strength and energy to work, but stupidly I took it for granted.

There was a queue running down the road in Dartford that night, despite it being sold out, people turned up on the off chance of getting in, they were shoving people in like sardines in a small can. I was gobsmacked, I had done hardly any work but here they were, all of these beautiful souls supporting my work.  The demonstration went wonderfully, I honestly thought I was back as the pure energy of the spirit people soared through my being, but it was a false prophecy. The lion part of my soul was roaring.

I managed the Grays dem as well and felt so well that I arranged to record my second guided meditation CD in London, MEETING YOUR GUIDES with the help of my ever supporting friend Mark.  I thought it would be a great way of helping people as well as some much needed funds.img_4443

I then in my new found energy booked a course to teach developing mediums back in Devon and a show there as well. I was feeling great, feeling  invincible and able to take the reins from where I had left them, whack the rumps and gallop onwards.

I was staying with my oldest friend Jo in Essex and we were having such fun, I was on a cloud of oblivion.

I then met Jay. We had everything in common. He was handsome, funny, kind and very spiritual and after my work we spent a wonderful summer exploring Devon and Cornwall.  Thoughts of bed bound misery and pain were like a fleeting cloud in a gale force wind. Don’t get me wrong I was still in pain and slept when I could but NOTHING like I was before.

Jay and I became close friends but not in a romantic way so I kept asking why he was in my life as I had friends already.

I was still homeless. Still staying at friends homes, I had my mobile home repossessed in Devon as the caravan site managers were monsters and wouldn’t help me at all.  But even though it hurt deeply, I seemed to cope with it.

MY FIRST HOME

In Devon I used to pass this old cottage on the grounds of Kingswear cemetery. I adored it and used to joke saying it was my house.

Well one night my nan came into the bedroom from spirit and said ‘Go on that house thing’ I then saw a vision of Rightmove.  As I was still suffering with insomnia and restless leg syndrome I thought ‘why not, it will fill the hours’. The first picture was the cottage at the Cemetery to rent, I couldn’t believe it.

Don’t ask me why I asked to view it as I didn’t have a penny to my name and couldn’t get a deposit together, but I went along with it as almost a fantasy. I was staying with my friend Janet back in Devon then.  I fell in love with this old crumbling cottage but had no money and no hope of renting it.

Then I thought of Jay. Without even blinking he agreed to lend me the money for the deposit and the first five months rent! I had only known him a little while, anyone else I wouldn’t even have contemplated asking.

My new back garden!

My new back garden!

He said to me as I was moving in out of the blue, ‘Your dad sent me here. To give you a home and help you‘ as if he was talking about the weather!

I froze and thought about it.  It hit me like a lightening bolt,  ‘My God, he’s an Earth angel, he has been sent to help me!’

 

In fact without his input over the next couple of months I would still be homeless and in despair.

Earth angels are humans that have such a high resonance in their energy that they can bring messages from the Divine without realising it. They are also sent to people to help guide them and walk with them on their path.  Most of them don’t have a clue that they are one.  They can be in our lives for five minutes, five weeks or for our whole lifetime.  A great example of this is addressed in the book ‘The Celestine Prophecies‘.

Earth Angels

Before we incarnate we create a blue print of our life map that we want to experience on Earth. When we need certain souls to come back into our lives, we mark them on our ‘map’ and they appear. You will, normally, if they are to walk your path feel an inexplicable draw to them, whether they are male or female.  They usually are part of your soul cluster which I will explain in another post.

ANGELS WITH GLORIA HUNNIFORD

When I was asked to do ANGELS with Gloria Hunniford for Sky, I was in two minds.  I could be made to look an idiot or it could help reach people.

On the Angels set with Gloria Hunniford

I was in Sainsburys at the veg aisle and this old lady shuffled up to me and said, ‘You are so good at what you do, so go and do it!’

I stood there transfixed. She then walked away as if she had never said a word to me.  That night in the bath a feather fell onto my shoulder I watched it fall from the ceiling! I knew it was the right thing to do, so I agreed.

Typical example of a brief Earth angel ‘shove’ message as I call them.

Look out for them, they are everywhere.  They may be in your life already.

LOOKING FORWARD

So, earth angel in tow in the form of Jay,  I looked forward to my new home.

This was November 7th 2014, again I failed to see the significance of this spiritual date.

Little did I know that my life was going to shatter into little pieces yet again and the next phase of boot camp was to take me to my limits, beyond anything I could imagine.


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Nicky Alan

ME myself and I. My Soul Diaries 4

THE ARRIVAL OF MIRACLES

Hi everyone,
Wow so far there has been such a huge response to my blog, of that I am overwhelmed and truly thankful! Quite a few of you have suggested that I make my story into a book. It’s already been started a while back. Like EARTH WALKERS I have decided to integrate my experiences with fiction to create THE DARK KNIGHT OF MY SOUL. It will be a chick lit comedy taking the character on a journey similar to mine but I will also be putting in some hilarious anecdotes of my time as a working medium. I don’t want it to be too miserable, so I am writing it with a lot of img_5012humour filled with inspiration, tears and laughter. I’m hoping that you will love it!
In fact I have so many ideas for books normally inspired from dreams that my fingers are going to have to work very hard to catch up!
I would also love to hear your comments, there’s a comment icon above my blog. I would love to hear your experiences especially if you are a chronic illness sufferer or want to share how faith or the heavens have assisted you on your path.

Drum Healing

So where were we? Yes I was on my way rather reluctantly to get some drum healing.
I was morose and in a deep depression and did not want to engage with anyone I met at the healing room. I was not good company. Finally I was summoned to the healing room where I would receive my healing. My friend Martine was not only doing the drum healing but she also handed me a bottle of water that she had infused with her healing energy. Water holds memory and I would literally try anything if it helped me get out of my God forsaken bed.

Deep Healing

The healing was deep, it penetrated my being with each rhythmic beat. It literally took seconds for my desperate soul to be seduced by the drum. I immediately went into a deep trance state, it was euphoric, I wanted to stay there forever. I did not want to come back down to Earth and to my miserable existence.

My mind then went blank, I was aware of the drum beats as they resonate through your whole body quite deliciously but apart from that I was in a no mans land where thought,  feeling and consciousness didn’t exist. I felt free.

Somewhere far away I was aware that the drum beats were slowing their tempo and were quieter, a far away thought was telling me we were coming to an end. I recall it so clearly, I could feel a little panic whispering it’s way back into my mind, I didn’t want to go back to my loneliness and Earth life. As my mind started to come back to the room it then stopped and wouldn’t allow me to awake any further. I must have been in the alpha brain wave state, the state we aim for in meditation. It was then that I saw him. The man who brought balance, unconditional love, discipline, guidance and breath taking humility.

He was my hero,my father, brother, friend, family and everything I could ever need, my soul guide JULIANUS.

I cannot recall if I cried out, I should ask Martine really, to see his beautiful face again after so long was like coming home.

Pain and relief

My Soul cried out in pain and relief, I had not seen him for what seemed an eternity.  Was I forgiven for whatever sins I had created to be going through this hell? Had he come to reprieve or reprimand me?  Mixed emotions were sailing through me, my saviour was here standing right by my side, but for what reason?

I think it prudent at this point to introduce you to Julianus. If you have been one of my students over the years and are reading this then you will smile and know all about him.

When I first became aware of him in my early twenties I had no clue who he was. I used to meditate and go to this little shack on a remote island. There I would see all of my family sitting around a fire in the middle of the shack. This grey haired, heavily stubbled man would be sitting in the corner wearing what appeared to be a brown sack cloth habit with a rope around his waist.  He reminded me a little of the TV character Steptoe!

Honesty, he had a very scruffy appearance and I chose to look at him but then ignore him as I said hello to my Nan and dad!
How awful Nicky! You naughty girl! But he said nothing, he would just smile and stare at me. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine why he was always there for years and years not saying anything.

I now realise that I was in the police then and obviously wasn’t ready to meet him and walk my path alongside him. After being retired from the police it didn’t take long for him to introduce himself!

I was sunbathing in my back garden, it was a glorious summers day and I am a bit of a sun worshipper. My mind was at rest listening to the bird song in the garden, I was totally relaxed and feeling completely calm.

I then suddenly felt exceptionally cold and realised I was in a cave. I could smell the damp moist soil on the cave floor and heard the incessant tap tapping of a water source somewhere nearby, dripping onto the rocks.
I started to try and wake up then, but realised that this was an important meditation as I heard a voice say,

‘It is time that I introduced myself, I am Julianus, I will show you how we met and that I have been responsible for you ever since.’

‘heard a voice’

Now when I say ‘heard a voice’ its a bit different from human hearing.
Sometimes they are discarnate, in the ether, like a proper human voice. The majority for me are in my head. It’s like a loud insistent thought that you know is not your own, I can sense the tone and accent easily. A bit like when I channel through spirit people during readings, or the angel realms. They all have a different energy and power, the angels realms is like a startling command it’s quite amazing.

Well this voice was melodic and velvety with a slight Italian accent. I fell in love with the energy of this strangers voice immediately, I was intoxicated with each word.
So I heard this voice and then the rocks at the entrance of the cave started to drag open. I walked out and found myself in a very hot climate looking out at a beautiful landscape lined with Cypress trees.

I asked,  ‘Where are we?’
He replied, ‘Trastevere, Rome’ (I thought he said travesty at the time!)
‘What is the year?’ I asked.
‘1452’
‘Why am I here?’
‘This is where we shared a life together, your name was Mary.’
I then felt a massive whoosh as if I was lifted into the air and found myself outside a stunning church with white pillars fronting the entrance. I looked up and saw the name of the church ‘ST CECILIAS’.

This man who I then recognised as the man who had been sitting in my shack for years took my hand and said,

‘You were welcomed here in the House of Mary Magdalena in this year.’ I looked into his bright blue eyes and wanted to cry, the care and love that exuded from them was indescribable.

Court Yard

He then took me through to a court yard and lead me through an archway on the left. He pointed to the arch and said,
‘Here I write the word of the lord. My prophecies will remain here intact forever.’ We then came out through the arch and were standing by a tomb, St Cecilia’s tomb.
‘This was your home Mary.’
In  the sun I looked to the crypt and saw the outline of my habit in silhouette form. It had a square shape.
He then said,
‘I have someone for you to meet.’
A man then approached me  with the most beautiful thick wavy hair. His face just represented total serenity and love. He took my hands and said,
‘Mary, I am Nicholas, I preside over you and the men in this space. I am here to protect you.’
He then placed a kiss on my forehead, I could feel the emotion spread through me like an unknown heat. His love was infinite.
He then looked up to the sky and said, ‘Come we must make haste, Ava Mary is upon us!’
He then gently lead me towards the church where I heard the most stunning chanting.

Back in the room

I was then ‘back in the room’ as they say. I was wide awake and crying my eyes out. It was one of the most beautiful things that I had ever experienced in my life.
Once I had blown my nose the next thing, as all ex detectives would have done, was hit the google button. It was a weird experience because every time I tried to google St Cecilia’s I would get to a link but then the computer would go down or the internet was lost. I sensed that perhaps it wasn’t the right time, to be honest I was a little scared that my miracle introduction was just my imagination, I didn’t want to discover that it didn’t exist.  Silly me!
From then on Julianus was a regular visitor. He was quite a sombre man in those days. In trance he came across as very foreboding and took no nonsense. He even used medieval Italian and sometimes Polish words that were recorded and translated into lucid messages. It was simply amazing.
But there came a time when I realised, being a spiritual ambassador wouldn’t just work on my word only, I needed proof that he and I existed, so that I could challenge the sceptics with my evidence. So I decided to get a ticket to Rome. It coincided with my ex partners birthday so it was a dual purpose visit.
I cannot tell you the fear that smashed through me as I got into the taxi and asked the driver ‘Can you take me to St Cecilia’s church, Trastevere’ he just said ‘Si’
My heart was beating out of my mouth as he drove straight into a square and stopped.

St Cecilia’s square

I looked up and let out a gasp mixed with a sob. I was in St Cecilia’s Square and was looking up to the familiar church frontage with the white pillars ‘St Cecilia’ written as bold as anything across the rendering.
I think my ex partner paid the taxi man as I just got out of the taxi in a trance like state crying my eyes out.
I walked through the court yard like a zombie looking at everything I had seen years before in my meditation.
I could see the gated area to my left that I knew lead to St Cecilia’s crypt and the archway that had Julianus’ writing etched into it.
I was so frustrated as the gate was locked.

I then walked into the church and saw a bust of a monk. It was a St Franciscan monk, which I later discovered did a Sabbatical in a cave prior to serving God, that explained the cave then! I then went on to discover that Julianus was here in 1452 and did write words of prophecy in the arch that lead to the house of Mary Magdalena. Women nuns were welcomed into the church here in 1452 where they were allowed to reside with the monks.

It was simply staggering. I was standing in a place that I knew so well, 500 years later!

St Cecilia's Church where I lived in 1452

St Cecilia’s church where I lived in 1452

To say it was overwhelming was an understatement. Now I knew why I was always completely at peace in churches despite not being religious.  I had to have incense burning all of the time aswell.  I just couldn’t stop crying. I also learned that ‘Ava Mary’ was what they called the Ave Maria prayer in that time that was chanted at sunset hence why Nicholas looked up to the sky.
‘Nicholas’ I thought, ‘I now need to find Nicholas,’
Reluctantly I left the church and headed straight for the Vatican.
If you have ever been to the Vatican you will know it’s like a house for giants. It is colossal with thousands of people wondering around everywhere.
Well I knew it like the back of my hand even though I had never been to it in this life. I went straight over to a guide and asked quite impatiently,

‘Where is Pope Nicholas crypt from 1452 please?’
The guide looked into his guide book.
‘No he is not here, signora’
‘Yes he is! Look again’ I said, frustration lacing my words.
‘No signora there is nothing here’
‘Oh don’t worry!’ I said very impatiently.

I then turn around like a woman possessed and walk towards this concrete opening with complete confidence and bounced down the stairs frantically.
The second crypt on the right I threw my body over and sobbed  like a baby.
I had nuns coming up to me asking if I was ok.
I then looked down to his plaque and saw  ‘Pope Nicholas V’. From his details I saw that he did cover the Trastevere diocese during 1452.
I was so amazed and humbled at the same time. Previous incarnations,soul guides and everything I had ever seen since a child was real, this was never a figment of my imagination, I had proved it to myself.
After what seemed a lifetime I reluctantly pulled myself away from his crypt and went back up to the main hallways.
Amazingly the same guide came running towards me.
‘Signora,’ he smiled, ‘My apologies. How did you know of his crypt? It is in no guidebook, but I asked one of the oldest guides here and he told me it was indeed down below in the crypt room!’
I had no words to answer him, I just smiled.
‘You are a special lady, come with me!’
The next thing, he was guiding me towards this small shop in the Vatican.
‘Go buy two phials’
Without questioning him I went into the shop and picked two small bottles. At the till the lady giving me my change looked at the coins and said,
‘This is unusual, I have one of the gold coins that are the popes special currency!’
She was obviously in two minds as to whether it should be given to a member of public.
She made her decision, ‘Well it was obviously meant for you, take it!’
I thanked her enthusiastically, wow one of the Popes special gold coins!
I then gave the two phials to the guide and he spoke in Italian on his radio.
An armed man with an earpiece then arrived and spoke to the guide and then they both looked at me.
He smiled at me and then took the two phials.
I had no idea what was going on.
A little later he returned with the two phials filled with water.
‘This is from the popes private font. Take it with you and use it wisely,’ he smiled.
I couldn’t believe it!
I took the phials and thanked him and the armed guard with so much zest they must have thought that I was a nutter!
How lucky was I?
Incidentally I used that holy water to heal my dogs tumour, but that’s a story for another day!

Me in the vatucan by the entrance to the crypts

Me in the Vatican by the entrance to the crypts

I have asked sceptics, very well known ones in fact, about my story, they either have replied they can’t explain it but its not supernatural (?) or I fell asleep in front of a history programme! What nonsense! We should be investigating it all together, this phenomena, but they are too tunnel minded on  proving us idiots and charlatans to discover the truth!
So back to my beautiful Julianus.
He was standing there looking at me with such love and concern as I was laying on the healing bed. I was aware that the healing drum had stopped. Apparently I raised my arm to quieten the girls as Julianus started to speak. I had no idea that I had done this.
Julianus had his hood up, I have learned over the years that when his hood is up it is a very serious message and he means business.
I heard a feminine voice then say,
‘You are receiving the sacred feminine energy derived

Me at the Vatican, can you see the orbs, one looks like a small angel!

Me at the Vatican, can you see the orbs, one looks like a small angel!

from the North’ I had no clue what this meant but would understand it years later.
Then my darling Julianus spoke. If Heaven had a voice it would be his.
He placed his hand on my shoulder. My shoulder sizzled, popped and bubbled from his touch, my whole body grew huge goosebumps.
‘My darling Nichola, do you honestly think that we would put you through all of this pain for no reason? It has to be done to clear your wrong decisions and to prepare you for your next phase of life and work.’
He then held my face with both hands and kissed both of my cheeks. I felt as if I had been  kissed by fizzy, freezing water.
As I felt his connection I then saw myself in a dark overgrown forest. I was far off of the path I should have been on. In order to get back to my path I had to battle through the overgrowth that I had wondered into, so I knew I had a long journey ahead of me. They had stopped me in my tracks as I was in the wrong state of mind, surrounded by the wrong people and obviously I had a new way to represent them and everything had to be put back on track.
Julianus then showed me PSALM 56:22. It is one of his favourite things to do. He shows me quotes from his bible as a quick way to get a message across.
I made a mental note to google it later.
He then said, ‘The healing you are receiving is like lumps of fuel,’ I then saw him holding lumps of what looked like coal.
‘We are stacking them up within you,but you must not use them before you are completely sated and full. When it is time we shall light the fuel and allow it only to burn very slowly. It will not be lit Nichola until it is properly full. You must cherish and preserve this fuel. April 2016 will be your turn around, be patient. Stop worrying about small issues, people, money. It is all on course.’
He then backed away from me with the most loving smile I have ever seen.
I felt sadness as I watched him disappear.
I opened my eyes that were yet again welling with tears and smiled .
‘He’s back, they are back! They never left me!’ I remember saying.
I had a new vibrancy. Not physically but mentally and spiritually I could feel the strength returning. This was the day that everything began again.
The synchronicity, the signs, the voices, it all returned to me on that poignant day.
I felt blessed and at peace. Finally my soul had been reawakened.

Psalm Julianus

I googled the Psalm Julianus showed me.
‘CAST THY BURDEN UPON THE LORD AND HE SHALL SUSTAIN THEE: HE SHALL NEVER SUFFER THE RIGHTEOUS BE MOVED’
How magnificent.
That night I prayed for the first time in years and knew that every word was being heard!
The following day brought the first signs and synchronicity that were phenomenal and I still had the next miracle to befall me. Believe me, it would change my life forever…..


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