When our Babies go to Heaven

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When our Babies go to Heaven

Hello all!

Hope I find you all well x

NEWS

TOBY

Update on my baby toad!  I found him in my bedroom three nights running so I decided to create a toad home for him under a tree in my garden and have named him Toby!  He has gone from animal totem to official pet bless him.  I checked on him this morning and he is chilling in one of his water pools that I made out of an old compost bag!  What a rock and roll life I lead!  I know that my blogs are few and far between but I have to wait until my brain and hands work and I have inspiration for what subject to concentrate on!

MY SHORT STORY COLLECTION – THE CHILL LOUNGE

I don’t know if all of you saw on Facebook that I asked if you would be interested in reading my paranormal short stories that I have written.  They contain all sorts of adult inspirational stories with an underlying spiritual message or some form of education.  As I had a lovely response I will be getting them put on my website as soon as I know the best way to execute my new idea, each download will cost 75p.

HEAVEN CALLING

For all of you beautiful people who sent your stories in about how you have had proof of your loved one’s afterlife for my book, could I ask you to confirm if you still want them in the book as I will be submitting it mid September.  I will email you as well but thought I could save some energy lol!  Thanks to the ones who have already emailed!

WHEN OUR BABIES GO TO HEAVEN

Angel babies

I had to write about this, this week.  I have had a lot of synchronicity that has drawn me to this subject lately and of course the harrowing story of beautiful baby Charlie in the media.  I have been inspired by a beautiful girl emailing me that has been trying and failing to fall pregnant and an amazing story where two babies literally create a miracle to let their mums know that they are together and are thriving.

Nothing can prepare anyone for the loss of a baby or young child.  Babies lost through pregnancy whether it is a miscarriage, termination or born sleeping (hate the word stillborn)  brings so much trauma and grieving to mums and dads.  I have done countless readings where the pain is still there twenty years on.    It’s because they were never born that people assume there is no one to grieve so some  mums tend to hold the pain in, hardly mention it and try to move on, which is the worst thing to do.

They never leave us….

 

I can tell you now that I have communicated with hundreds of souls of babies that want to send love to their mums, dads and siblings.  They usually name their family and give either the date of their passing or when they were due.  They also describe whats been going on in their family household.  They basically prove their existence.  They are always holding the hands of a family member, so please know that they are looked after up in Heaven, they are never alone.   As soon as life is created in the womb, the silver esoteric cord from Heaven connects with the foetus delivering the soul energy.  This soul then goes back up on the silver cord to heaven if they don’t survive.  They have intelligence and can communicate and visit you in the afterlife.

How do I know this?

SILVER CORD

I was doing a evening of mediumship in Shoebury when a lady came up to me and showed me a picture of her beautiful baby girl that had been born sleeping.  The reason she showed me the picture was because there was a silver white line coming from the babies tummy rising up into the air.  She wanted to ask me what it was.  I, to be honest had no clue.

So I told her I would ask my guide Julianus later and let her know.

In meditation I asked Julianus what the silver line was.

THE ESOTERIC CORD

He said:

The line that you see is the ethereal silver cord that comes directly from Heaven.  It is like the spiritual version of an umbilical cord that connects to our solar plexus.  It links us to the universe and Heaven.  This is also what holds our soul in place  to our physical body.  When the human body is born, the tie breaks from Heaven but is still used to hold our soul onto the human body. When the human body dies, the tie reforms as a line to return to Heaven.  You can later on in life travel on it which you will know as Astral projection. As the human baby had not even experienced Earth life or breathed in the atmosphere, the heavenly link to the body was still attached as you saw in the photograph.

I was ashamedly sceptical and I am also mortified to say that I didn’t tell the mum this as I doubted it!  Two weeks later I was doing another evening of mediumship in Dartford.  A lady came up to me and I was gobsmacked when she showed me a picture of her baby boy born sleeping and asked me what the silver cord was coming from his tummy.  I told her instantly what it was and then phoned the other mum straight away.

Julianus enabled me to see this other photo to prove that he was right.  I have seen many other photographs of the same thing.

So Please know that if your baby is 3 weeks, 8 months or 3 days old in pregnancy or 3 weeks, 8 months or 3 days old having been born they are still a fully formed soul with memories, consciousness and a love for their family.  You will also meet all of your babies when you are reunited in Heaven.

YOU HAVE NOT LOST YOUR BABIES FOREVER.

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

I have this wonderful story to share.  Two days ago one of my best friend’s son Jack was wondering along the breakwater in Brixham as kids do and found a bottle.  Inside was a beautiful message with stars and pretty things sealed in the bottle. (I won’t divulge too much in the description for privacy of the person).

They got home and shared the find on Facebook as it seemed very important that the sender of the bottle be informed.

Well hours later the owner of the bottle was miraculously traced.

She had lost her young child and her friend had lost her baby.  A year and a day ago, on the birthday of the oldest child, mum had thrown some bottles out to sea.  It was a gesture relating to her daughter and her friend’s daughter as a wish that they were together in Heaven and never forgotten.

To find the bottle ONE day after the young girls birthday a year later was totally wonderful and a sure sign that the girls are together and wanted their mums to know!

HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN THEY VISIT?

Babies and young children have a very definitive way of making their spirit known to us.  In readings, every baby I have ever seen shows themselves about 4 years old, so that I can describe their features to their parents.  The first thing to realise is that your baby may visit you in your dreams around this age or the age they would be now.  So be aware of this.

APPORTING

Babies love to bring things to you to let you know that they are there.  The most interesting one I ever came across was at a house where a woman was getting nappies left on her landing regularly.  She was scared that her ex was breaking in and trying to mess with her head.

When I was there I sensed the presence and then saw a cheeky looking little spirit boy poking his head around the bathroom door.  He then went on to tell me that he was leaving the nappies to remind his mum that it was his anniversary and that he would always look after his sister.  She was gobsmacked.  So was I, I could not work out or even try to, how he was managing to manifest nappies into the ether!  When we checked the diary, it was indeed five years to the day that he had been born sleeping.  Since that day the nappies never arrived again, but the mum now sees her spirit son running around the house.

I learned two things that day, babies can manifest anything and they always act as guardian angels over their siblings.  This explains the phenomena of ‘imaginary friends’,  they usually are the spirit of the child’s brother or sister.

We obviously do also have random spirit children that are attracted to children’s energies down here, but this is very rare,  they will usually be family.  Look out for buttons, white feathers, coins and other items that have been UNEXPLAINABLY placed somewhere.

TOYS

Of course kids love their toys.  So your living children’s toys will be moved, will turn on by themselves or repeatedly go missing and then turn up again in random places.  Look out for it!

ASPORTING YOUR STUFF!

Babies also have a tendency to want to asport your personal items, such as jewellery, hair brushes, clothing, anything you that you use regularly.  The phenomena is called ‘asporting’ they either move it to another location, or it goes missing for a long time and then appears in a obvious place that you would have noticed if it was there before.

GIGGLES

You may also hear running footsteps which is a very common phenomena.  I was doing an intimate evening of mediumship at someones house and I started to communicate with the mum’s baby that she lost in pregnancy.  Within  seconds the whole audience went white as we heard running footsteps upstairs knowing there was nobody up there! Bless him!  You may also hear giggling as well.

FEEL THEIR LOVE

Whenever I link with spirit children and babies I feel a freezing, bubbling breeze over my thighs and lower legs.  If you are sitting down it’s like they are coming up to you and pulling themselves onto your lap.  See if you ever feel this without any noticeable or explainable draughts.  They also love to touch you especially your face and hair.  This can also be seen in orbs next to your other children.  They can be first stage manifestation, a circle creating it’s own light (make sure they are not dust particles!), second stage – trailing comet shaped light anomalies, or third stage – White mist.  The colours can be different they don’t have to be white.  So keep a look out when photographing your children!

If you have any pics that you want help with please add them to the comments below.

A for Andrew

I was doing a reading for someone and a young boy was communicating with me.  I asked him to spell his name out for me. I then felt burning on my left hand and was amazed to see the letter ‘A’ being scratched onto my hand!  His name was Andrew which was confirmed by the family.  Don’t worry they won’t go to this extreme with you, but I am just showing you what they are capable of!  Amazing!

ENCOURAGING COMMUNICATION

As I always say at this juncture, DO NOT try and start a spiritual relationship with someone when you have not grieved properly or don’t understand spirit communication very well.

But if you are feeling up for it here are a few tips to get you started!

Buy something that represents your baby if you have nothing connected to them or create a sacred space in your garden.  Then tell your baby out loud that this item /space represents them.  They can then possibly interact with this item or it gives you something to focus on if you want a chat with them.  Take pictures of the space, you may capture something!

The Amethyst crystal amongst other things heightens your third eye chakra and helps you to focus on the spirit world. Grab one!

With the amethyst, try meditation or just simply ask for you to see your babies in your dreams.  It does help to hold something that they had contact with.

Any objects that you know have been sent by them keep in a box as it heightens their ethereal energy in that space.

Please do not be ashamed that you are still grieving your baby.  If you need to talk about them please do.  If people around you don’t want to hear it, there’s something wrong.

Google the stages of grieving.  If you are still held in denial, anger, guilt or depression and it has been a healthy passing of time (couple of years) you really should seek a bereavement counsellor.

Electronic Voice Phenomena

If you are brave enough try EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomena).  Children are excellent at resonating their voice with Electro Magnetic Field energy.  This energy creates sound on any digital recording device.  You can actually hear their spirit voice and they will answer your questions after practice.  ONLY do this if you are prepared to hear spirit voices.  It can be terrifying if you are not ready!

Talk to them out loud if you feel they are present and acknowledge any phenomena they bring.  They can hear your thoughts and voices and will  know when they are getting through to you.

It also goes without saying if you wish to seek communication through a medium,  PLEASE go to someone who is recommended word of mouth and doesn’t charge the Earth.  There are a some dodgy ones out there that will hurt you and hinder your progress!  You have been warned!

TRYING FOR A LITTLE ‘UN

To help with fertility call upon Archangel Gabriel to help facilitate the pregnancy.

Wear rose quartz on you all of the time.  This is one of the main fertility stones.

Write a letter of intent to the Universe i.e

‘It is August 2018 and I am pregnant’ statement the fact, don’t wish for the future.

Stop letting your energy pull you down every month when you discover that you are not pregnant.  Let it go and let the University provide!  Your thoughts and emotions create your future!

I don’t want to make this too long as there is so much else I could mention. I’m worried that you are yawning by now! lol

If you have any questions or concerns regarding this awfully traumatic subject please ask below in the comments and I will gladly help you.

You have never lost any of your babies forever, trust me, they are with you more than you know xxxxx

All my love

Nicky xx

 

 


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Don’t go hating!

HEARTBREAK AND HURT

Have you ever woken up and the first thing on your mind is the delicious fantasy of the demise of the person who has hurt you?  In fact scrap the first morning thought, every waking second when your mind has nothing else to think about it but that person?  The one you wish still lived in an era where they could be hung, drawn and quartered?

Yes we have all been there.

People hurting us in whatever way draws the soul into a gut wrenching tirade of self loathing for being taken in by that person, absolute heart break, awareness of self vulnerability, uncontrollable grieving, anger and a teeth clinching hatred that that person can still walk around breathing, laughing and moving on.

Head explosive anger!

Head explosive anger!

THOUGHT PATTERNS

When we can in a quiet moment we almost relish in the fact that we can think out the most avenging things for the villain in our story. We should really curl up on the sofa with a bar of chocolate, glass of wine and  a roaring fire to plot our revenge as we put so much effort into it, so why not add some nice accessories during the raging thoughts of destruction and ultimate  hate?

When we are in the rawness of human hurt, we don’t even begin to look outside ourselves to see what is really happening.  We are far too busy thinking out the next witty sarcastic remark to add to their Facebook page! As we cry our hearts out, eating Ben and Jerry’s listening to ‘All by myself’ (yes I stole that from Bridget Jones!) are we really doing ourselves a justice?

In a way yes, we all have to grieve what has been done to us.  If the grief is too overwhelming then perhaps we need outside help.  Either through psychotherapy or counselling.

But let us just for one minute think about the words that surround this hateful time .  Words that we have surrounded ourselves in, that our soul is absorbing and what we are stating to the Universe.

Hate, anger, sadness, loathing, agony, pain, heartache, vitriol, bitterness, jealousy, injustice, unfairness, humiliation, vulnerability, rage, frustration, angst, stress, anxiety, sickness, depression.  I could go on and on.

If I was playing a word game and had to guess the link between all of these words here I would say ‘hell’.

Yes a living hell.  So why bathe in hell?  Why put ourselves through more physical and mental pain by hanging onto it all?

“BECAUSE THEY DID THIS TO ME!”

Yes fair point, but why do we then keep ourselves in their energy for the foreseeable future?  It’s a done deed.  Why do we dwell in the darkened chasms of their ill will or bad behaviour for as long as we do?

Ask yourself, why?

You have two choices.  Live in their wake for as long as you choose to or look at this situation, honour it, feel it, then move on and let the Laws of the Universe do the rest.

“Yeah right Karma, as if that works!”

Karma isn’t revenge.  Karma is the natural consequence of your thoughts and actions.

If they live in a dishonest, selfish and hateful existence how can they surely escape their own actions?

The simple answer is they can’t.

So if you stay in their energy hating them and loathing them you are placing yourself in their boat, in their filthy pond attracting the other scum in other boats in the same pond.

What if you got off of the boat, waded to shore and dipped into the neighbouring cool fresh ocean filled with freedom, encountering new boats that are enjoying the crystalline waters of tranquillity and happiness?

Its stubborn pride that keeps us in that limited dark dank pond.

 

Get off that boat!

Get off that boat!

It is a fact that our thought patterns lead to an emotion that then leads to behaviour.  If we don’t catch it and kill it (Yes stole that from Bear Grylls!) then we remain in a never ending circle of negative feelings and emotions.  We have been through enough, so why put ourselves through any more pain.  YOU are the captain of your ship, so it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay in the shark infested pond or sail into the horizon in your newly found sparkling ocean.

GET THE ITINERARY FOR YOUR MAIDEN VOYAGE

There is nothing I loathe more than people who give you advice or you read about  people who give you facts and haven’t been through it themselves.  That’s why I always write on subjects that I have experienced and what I have done on a mindful and spiritual path to lose the pain.

I recently got exceptionally hurt by someone and felt mortified that I had been exposed to it (I write about it in my next column Diary of a Psychic!).  I nearly went down the same route I always do.  The road aptly named ‘Self Pity’ leading to the junction of ‘hate’ ending at the ‘revenge’ motorway.

Yes I spurted out some pretty hateful words on the first couple of days and was spitting flames, but then I checked myself and started to look at ways to move on from this madness.  By me continually raging, I was still on day one of the hurt and not moving anywhere fast!

So the first thing I did was call upon Archangel Raguel. He deals with all relationship battles and hardships in your life and will not stop until your harmony is restored.  He can also assists in legal battles and finding justice.

Archangel of justice, harmony, balance and vengeance

Archangel of justice, harmony, balance and vengeance

It does not matter if you do not believe in angels.  What have you got to lose?  They will answer whether you believe in them or not.

You have to invoke angels, they need permission to enter your lives.

It’s very simple to invoke them.  I just said,  “Archangel Raguel I give you permission to come into my life and deal with this situation as you see fit and take the pain of this away from me.” There, done.

Archangel Raguel works on a pale blue light ray, so when you ask him to come and help imagine a big pale blue ball of light as you ask.

Trust me it works.

I then made sure I did something EVERY DAY that was for me and my indulgence. Basically a ‘self love’ exercise.

I am somewhat limited to movement so did self healing in meditation,  but for the sprightly person I would always recommend healing.  Either at a local spiritualist centre or a local recommended Reiki practitioner.

My friend Ian’s website thespiritguides.co.uk holds the best comprehensive directory of healing services near you.

The next thing is to get all of your thoughts and emotions out.  For the more physical people, go run and scream out somewhere isolated.  Scream to the top of your lungs until you can’t scream any more. Go punch something (Preferably a punch bag, not the villain in this piece!) go and play sport.  exhaust yourself of the emotion burdening you.

If you prefer a more cadenced approach write out your feelings in a journal (my students know I love a journal!)  keep writing until you get bored of writing about the same thing.  I also ask a family member in spirit within the words to also help me out.  This means that you have exhausted all of the negative thought patterns in your mind and soul through your writing.  It is very cathartic and it will surprise you how much you end up writing.

Whether you are in a field like a crazed lunatic or writing your woes out in a journal also state your INTENT.  Where you want to be in six months time.  The Universe needs to understand the problem, how you want to move from it and what you want at the end of it. (Don’t say ‘agony for that rat!’  It’s all about you remember!).

CRYSTALS

Sunstone is the ultimate crystal for this situation.

Self empowerment stone

Self empowerment stone

Sun stone gives you self empowerment, vitality and cleanses you from the negative actions of other people.  It is also excellent for strength and courage say in an interview (or court hearings if you are divorcing them!)  Have it as jewellery, in your pocket, or ladies in your bra, that’s where I keep mine.  Don’t forget to charge them  I will be doing a blog on crystal care another time.

If the villain is still in your life, i.e a difficult boss, awful neighbour or negative colleague then get yourself a Laboradite.  This is the best protection from other peoples intentions that you can get.  It mirrors their energy and protects your auric field at the same time.  Plus it is absolutely lush to look at.  When I know I need it, I wear it as a pendant and smile inside knowing that every intention coming out of that fickle person is being reflected right back into their soul! Love it!

full on protection

full on protection

Again you may not even have faith in crystals but they do work.  They resonate with our meridians to create an energy that works in it’s own unique way.

There are many crystals that can help but these two have appeared in my mind for this input so I will go with it.

After you have dealt with this situation and person for a while, the next natural step is to move on.  This is where the daddy of the Archangels needs to rock up, sweep you off of you feet, cut any ties that bind you to that person and sail you off into the sunset not giving them a second thought!

Cut those ties that bind you

Cut those ties that bind you

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL

He works on a royal blue ray of colour.  Do the same, ask him to come to your aid to give you the strength to move on and live your life to the full.  Usually you will get a sign that the angels have heard within a couple of days after the invocation.  It could be a white feather apported in an unusual place, an angel symbol in an unusual place or any personal synchronicity that makes you think, “Wow, that’s my sign to say I have been heard!”  Don’t forget to look out for angel numerology.  Any numbers of three or the number three in them.

I know it hurts.  I know it is exceptionally hard, but there is one more thing you must do to break the energy connection between you and the baddie.!  You are going to resent this and it will sting but it is the only thing that works.

Love over hate is a stronger more tangible energy.  It empowers you and sends a beacon of light out into the Universe that you now embrace and attract love.

You must send love to the baddie.

Yes I know, impossible right?

I send pink hearts to them and then move on with my day.  It takes a lot to get to this stage but when you do do it, it feels empowering.

By doing this, you are streets above their pathetic behaviour.  You are moving on loving and valuing yourself and your self worth.

Leave them in their pond and to their own karma.

It works if you work it.  It’s up to you.

Crystalline turquoise waters, or a dark dank pond?

Send that love.  The Universe will love you for it xx

All you need is love

All you need is love

Good luck, own that Love!

Until next time

Nicky xx

 

 

 

 


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The Boot Camp of my Mind

HEALING STARTS FROM WITHIN

Have you ever woken up and thought, why the hell did I dream of that for?  Well I did , it was a random dream that was so intense that I woke up tearful.  I had dreamt that I was still with a certain ex who pretty much broke my heart.  I put it down to a random dream, but the next night it happened again.

This then lead to three weeks of dreaming about all my exes that had done wrong, been awful or had really hurt me.

By week one I realised that it was another spiritual boot camp.  I was healing my broken heart of bad relationships.  There were quite a few I can tell you!

The dreams felt so real it was like I was reliving them.  Every thought feeling and behaviour was revisited during dream state.

I needed to form a plan

I needed to form a plan

The first thing I did was dive into my spiritual knowledge itinerary.  What could I use or do to help me understand, heal from and end my apparent heart break?

ANGELS

Firstly I called upon Archangel Raphael as he is the Archangel of Healing.  I then called upon Archangel Azrael.  Now Archangel Azrael is usually the Archangel of death.  Not the grim reaper!  He helps souls part from their body and acclimatise to their new form.  He also assists people who are suffering the loss of that loved one.  However, he also assists with grieving and moving on from situations that brought us harm.  So I decided to call upon him.

After I had done the invocation, I decided to pull a few angel cards and to my amazement the first two cards were Azrael and Raphael.  The next two were, ‘time to heal from past hurt‘ and ‘importance in knowing your self worth and value

Wow they had heard my plea already!

I then had an Amethyst crystal resting on my heart chakra when I was laying down which was pretty much most of the day.

Amethyst amongst other benefits help you to grieve situations or people.

Now I didn’t think that I was grieving these losers from my past but obviously my guides and angels knew differently!

TOUGH TIMES

Admittedly it was tough.  A lot of the time I woke up crying or still feeling the love I had for these men.  I couldn’t understand how this was helping me, reliving each let down.

However, I diligently wrote out my feelings in my soul journal and started to see a pattern between the lines.

Incredibly and I have to add this now. I have at this very second received a message about my ex who stole thousands from me after my accident?! Talk about synchronicity! Wow! Karma works, I swear.

Anyway back to my journal.

ARE YOU WITH THE WRONG MAN OR WOMAN?

Writing in journals heals the soul

Writing in journals heals the soul

When I started to read over my experiences and what had happened in the relationships in black and white, it hit me like a bolt of lightening.  I have had such low self esteem that I had attracted predators time and time again.  Like attracts like, so what I thought of myself and believed about myself was unhealthy and so I naturally attracted the same ilk of men.

You are who you attract

You are who you attract

I realised that this had to change.

I needed to value myself, put me first and love everything about me unconditionally.

MY LIST

The first thing I did was make a TO DO list in my soul journal.

Students of my PRISM LIVING course will know all about this!  My Soul Journals are my most precious possession.  I cannot recommend enough keeping a diary of your innermost thoughts and feelings.  The words in black and white provide so much clarity and power!

My first TO DO was self care.  I could not cope with daily living so I decided to surrender and reach out.  I asked for a carer and help and I soon got it.

I got a cleaner in as i was not able to.  So instead of crying over a mess in the house this was now resolved.

I got a dog walker for my babies to release the guilt of not being able to take them out.

I decided to say three things every morning that I liked about myself.

I decided that I would not have ANYONE enter my house who I didn’t really want there.

I decided to improve my diet and try to manage my comfort eating.

I repeatedly placed a blessing on the names of the people who had abused me, hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me.  I sent them pink roses and asked for me to be let go emotionally from their energy that was obviously still connected to me. I did this with past friends as well.

I arranged for a counsellor to attend my home.

After doing this for just two weeks I felt incredibly different. To receive help in my daily care, to help me get through my pain emotionally and to love myself was life changing.

I started to get regular contact from friends I had let fade because of my illness.  These were my true die hard friends.

I find now that I am surrounded by the most caring, kindhearted genuine friends who have no ulterior motive.

If there is anyone who comes into my life with the wrong energy, their true colours are exposed so quickly it is quite remarkable.  My psychic intuition rings out stronger than it ever has  as soon as their energy changes to darker motives.

I am now free from the binds that tied me to past hurt.

Write out who has hurt you.  Make changes to move away from that energy.  Analyse your current relationships and see if you are in a mutually beneficial relationship with unconditional love.

If not

CHANGE IT!

I was such a people pleaser.  I was so desperate to be loved.  I would agree to things that I really didn’t want to do.  I allowed people that drained me and just used me for my esoteric knowledge to stay in my life.  I felt too weak and unsure of myself to say NO.  That ended by the conclusion of this particular boot camp.

Healing from hurt is never easy.  Nothing that is right is ever easy.  But believe me when you make the changes and start listening to your inner child, you become empowered.  The beauty of self belief and self love is truly remarkable.  It changes you as a person.  I will never let anyone ever take me for granted again.  Do the same!  Change your life!

It certainly worked for me.

After this period of self realisation, the dreams stopped of my exes and I felt a profound sense of freedom and inner strength.

I started to look forward to 2017  with such zest as I knew this would be the end of my dark night of the soul  (Please google this) and my resurrection. I couldn’t thank the angels and the Spirit World enough.  They were dragging through my every mistake and reason for failing in life.

I still get tearful now with so much gratitude as I look at my life now.  I am of course still chronically ill but it doesn’t matter.  I am surrounded by love, support and respect.  I adore my home and my fur babies, I am sugar and gluten free and on a bad day like this when I can’t get out of bed, rather than enshroud myself with self pity and sadness I have the wonderful opportunity to write and share my knowledge and experience with you beautiful people.  What could be better?

But whilst this seems like my fairy tale ending, I still had to get there!  There were still many battles ahead of me!

PHOENIX

But at that time in my life, with no permanent home and feeling so alone in the world with no career, I envisioned nothing but the Phoenix as soon as I started to slip into emotional darkness.  Like a phoenix from the flames, I knew that I was going to be reborn.  I had faith stronger than ever that my life was going to be amazing.

I am the Phoenix

I am the Phoenix

I was still bed bound most of the time, still in pain 24/7 but my mind kept me focused.  Yes I had horrendous days and still had obstacles to face in the next coming years, but, I KNEW I was going to be OK.  I just had to be patient and honour my healing journey.  That was the difference.

Until next time

Nicky xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 5

THE BATTLE OF THE MIND

I awoke the following morning and felt excited looking back on my visit from Julianus and the drum healing.

I decided to get up and get a cup of tea but as soon as I started to lift my head, I felt like I was wearing a suit of armour with my head banging like an incessant drum (pardon the pun!) so I laid back down again.

EVERY morning you get the same quiz show challenge.  It’s called ‘What’s wrong with my body today.’  No matter how happy you feel when you first open your eyes you get a vicious reminder of your chronic condition within minutes. That’s why you can NEVER make plans as you never know what you are going to wake up like. I have lost count of the times I have cancelled things because of my game show existence.

ME with ME

 

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Invisible disease?

This was a picture of me one morning when I woke up and couldn’t open my eye. It was like a ninja had popped stealthily in during the night and punched me in the face!  I had blurred vision anyway so couldn’t see a thing. I just wanted to show you that this invisible disease isn’t quite so invisible, but we never like to ordinarily display these sort of pictures.  The following morning the bruising and swelling and lack of vision disappeared as if I had imagined the whole thing!

So this particular morning, I had light sensitivity where it felt like the sun was about a centimetre from my face, ringing in my ears, a banging head, every single muscle and joint was singing in pain and I felt like my lungs were too tired to inflate and deflate.  This is when the panic attacks start as you feel you can’t breathe properly.  There are at least 200 symptoms to this condition and I think over the last five years I have experienced every single one of them.  So I nearly sank into my dismal existence of sadness, misery and futility.

But something changed that morning, there was a tiny flicker of hope that could possibly fan into a bigger hungry flame if I let it. So rather than cry or start screaming how unfair it all was, I thought, ‘Sod it, if it’s a DVD day then so be it!’ I found a sort of calm or acceptance of it all.  You will find that chronic illness sufferers have watched every single thing that can be shown on screen. We are like starved animals craving the next meaty morsel on the screen to carry us away from our mundane existence.  We are the best film, TV and show critics in the world as when you are house/bed bound most days, there is simply nothing else to do. Films and box sets become a part of your life.  They provide escapism and a fantasy of living in the life of what you are watching. It’s a great distraction.

Oh come on, there’s nothing like a bit of img_8326indulgence 😉 Daryl helped me through many bad days lol!

 

 

TRICK OF THE MIND

 

I started to see a little bit of clarity.  I started to see that I was the pilot of my own mind, I could plummet into a valley screaming ‘MAYDAY’ or soar into the expanse of a never ending sky.

I remember once Julianus saying to me, ‘You are so tunnel visioned when human! It is simple, no matter what happens on the Earth plain you have two choices, to either walk in the desert, forever uncomfortable starving and thirsty, or you can walk in the oasis in the shade with the delights of thirst and hunger sated and a pool to dive in. Why do you all choose the desert when life gives you a challenge?’

Why walk in the desert?

Why walk in the desert?

 

 

 

 

 

No comparison really is there?

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It was then that I realised that as I almost started to get a bit of self pity a past simple observation of human life from Julianus hit me so clearly then and there.  Was I getting back the direct line I had always heard from above?  I hoped so as there is nothing worse than feeling alone with no inner voice guiding and nurturing you.

 

THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE

 

I then started to hear a humming sound and thought with despair that my ears were getting worse! I would like to add at this juncture that the reason I knew my symptoms on that exact day was because I used to keep a chronic illness app and recorded my symptoms daily to try and find a pattern. It proved to be about as useful as a trap door in a canoe for me but I know that it has helped others! The word that comes to mind is UNPREDICTABLE!  There is no logic to what your brain and central nervous system decide to do every morning.  No chart or pattern on an app explained my raging symptoms or how to prevent relapse.  To be honest though, my relapses were permanent.

So this incessant humming grew louder and I raised my weary head up to see what the hell it was.  I tottered around like a 90 year old trying to find the source when I realised that it was a bumble bee caught in the net curtain. I thought this as a bit odd as I certainly hadn’t had the window open, it was February! I also hadn’t heard the bee before that at all.  So I got a bit of paper and gently let the bee out of the window.

Nothing unusual in that you say!

How about the fact that the three following mornings there was a bumble bee again buzzing merrily in my ears that I had to rescue each consecutive day?  Four days in a row! It was only on the fourth day that it twigged.

 

ANIMAL TOTEM

 

Animal totems are something I was introduced to years ago after I had a meditation and one of my other guides Khan (I will introduce him to you another day) kept putting a bear skin over me with the head still intact.  I have to say that when I met him, my heart sank, he was a Native American, ‘Oh good God,’ I thought, ‘Everyone has Native American guides!’ It was later explained to me by Khan, that the Native American race had such a vast population of spiritual light workers in the past and now that of course a lot of us mediums and healers were going to be lumbered with them, how quaint!

Anyway, bear skin, I bloody hated it, but it went on for weeks and weeks.  Then one of my students said to me, ‘He must be making you aware of your current spirit animal totem.’ Bit embarrassing I know I should have known as the tutor, but if you know me, you know I NEVER have and never will read up to learn about spiritual and angelic phenomena.  I get it straight from upstairs and will only read something if I need to understand it more.

So when my student brought an animal totem book in the following week, I raced straight for the bear page and was totally gob smacked. The message that the bear brought was like a personal reading for me.  As soon as I had acknowledged the bear totem, Khan never placed it on me again. It’s a very Native American based phenomena it seems, animal totems are exceptionally important to them.

When an animal or insect repeatedly shows itself to you in an unnatural way, then google it, trust me you will be amazed.

I was never much of a believer in it but when it starts to enter your life all reasonable explanation goes out the window, they literally will stay with you until you get the message! I have had robins follow me home, a sparrow hawk sit on my door handle staring at me, a dragon fly land on my lap and stay there for 20 minutes, butterflies landing on my face and staying there, I could go on and on.  The most recent one was the 5 Feb, the anniversary of my dad’s passing.  I had just realised the date and said out loud, ‘You are a bit lazy dad you normally do something on your anniversary!’ Within a second a buzzard landed on the hedge next to me and just stared right into my soul.

I merely answered ‘Ok that was good, love you!’ I then googled the meaning of a buzzard, it made perfect sense.

Your spirit loved ones can also send animals as a sign from them. From my experience the favourites are butterflies, robins, dragonflies, lady birds or sometimes their favourite animal.  But remember they have to act unnaturally or visit on a certain time regularly or in the most unusual circumstances to be a totem.  Keep a look out!

So back to the bumble bee. This was it’s message:

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‘All bumble bees are productive, they stay focused on whatever they are doing and do not get side tracked.  We are being reminded to slow down, smell the flowers and taste the sweet nectar of life.  If your energy is scattered the bumblebee can show you how to focus once more.’

 

So the message was simple, to start to appreciate the finer things in life and to stay focused on the positive and the way forward.  I will never forget those four bumblebees as they did help me to bring my mind back to positivity when I found myself starting to slip down the treacherous ravine that lead to nothing but a ghostly darkness in it’s merciless pit.

It didn’t always work, sometimes I was beyond grief and despair and would isolate and hibernate, in fact I still do.  I’m doing it right this very minute in fact, I have no energy to speak or communicate with anyone, so I write slowly and surely, until I am too exhausted to type.  But now I don’t feel guilty about it, I need my time alone until I heal and feel strong enough to start communicating again, all of my close friends understand, but there’s one particular one (Nicky!) who gives me a four day pass then demands a reply to make sure I’m ok.  Whether I’m crying, talking gibberish because my brain isn’t working, or just answering in one word answers, she understands.  She is the only one that gets away with it, lol.  I no longer see these dark days as a failure, I respect them as healthy grieving days and a way of exercising my boundaries and needs to regroup, look at my options and heal.

 

So my little bumble bees helped me to see the positive in every little thing, which I never did before, I was far too busy.  Now I sit and watch the birds eating away at their bird table, or I watch the logs burning for hours in the fireplace, breath in the smell of the fields or the view of Glastonbury Tor, or I write, taking myself into my world of fantasy and escapism and of course the world of box sets!  I saw a gift in my illness that I had never appreciated before, the chance to stop, relax and reflect on the past and discover a new me.  Perhaps I was not only being stripped bare of my old life and my material world, I was being stripped bare of everything that was morosely clinging to my spirit like a strangling vine, choking my life force within an inch of it’s life.

 

BOOT CAMP

 

The next year was a revelation and a mountainous trek, I was not prepared for the healing that my soul decided to initiate.  It was like the spiritual boot camp from hell.  I was going to be dragged through every trauma of my life once and for all and have it exorcised.  It took me to the extremities of my mind, body and soul, but as all exorcisms do, the demons were finally starting to pack their bags, steal the towels and check out!

I was also not prepared in any way, that as the tangled threads unwound, how much I could truly experience the pure power of the spirit world and the angel realms.

‘Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so let us all be thankful’

Buddha


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