Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

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Time to set sail away from this space

Me Myself and I. My Soul diaries 13.

SURRENDER IS THE KEY, DENIAL IS YOUR PRISON

The visit of that lovely spirit lady raised my vibration in a big way.  It gave me impetus to start looking at my life and make some pivotal decisions.  I needed to start facing reality and realise that this was my new life.  It was nothing like my old life but I started thinking that I needed to reach out for help.  I needed to find ways to help myself and set goals that were reasonable and manageable with my condition.  I was starting to pull away the threads of denial.  I was disabled, in need of serious support and I needed to own the reality of being a sufferer of a chronic condition that was not going to go away any time soon.

Time to set sail away from this space

Time to set sail away from this space

The first thing that I did was change my GP.  It was one of the best decisions ever.  My new doctor was very empathic and completely understanding of ME and fibro sufferers.  He was open to any treatments and exceptionally supportive.  He even allowed me to phone him whenever I wished as he knew I couldn’t get to the surgery easily.  The next thing I did was call the local community care team who were brilliant.  They provided me with equipment that assisted bathing and every day things that I couldn’t manage.  My carer would regularly visit and help me with absolutely anything I needed, even if it was just a therapeutic chat.  These two phone calls took a long time to do, as I found coping with change and reaching out into the world very difficult but was so pleased with myself when I did.  I also got a cleaner as I couldn’t risk using my energy up cleaning. I arranged a massage therapist to visit my home when I was up to it to soothe my agonised muscles. I arranged a dog walker.  It was an absolute joy to watch Teddy and Mia sit at the gate waiting for the dog walker to arrive.  It was like they had a sixth sense.  They knew the days he was coming along with three other fur babies and would sit patiently listening out for his car.

BABY STEPS LEAD TO GIANT CHANGE

I felt strengthened by these tiny little steps.  I would always recommend tiny goals to set yourself that are MANAGEABLE, even if just one gets ticked off in a week, it’s a step in the right direction.

Out on their walks

Out on their walks

Walkies!

Walkies!

The next thing I set myself to do was reach out and find forums that had members coping with chronic illness.  It was one of the best things I did.  On Facebook I met a beautiful group, The Barmy girls who were from all over the world.  We don’t sit wailing and moaning, we cheer each other up and support each other.  So during my lonely nights there was always someone to talk to.  There are many support forums on Facebook for chronic illness sufferers, I cannot recommend them enough.  You also get fabulous advice and suggestions from hollistic remedies to updates on new drugs that are out.  I love those girls so much and what also helps is that they totally understand everything I am going through.  The most heart breaking thing is people not understanding your condition and making judgement.  I then started to reach out and tell me friends that I needed help.  Very slowly my ‘coping’ armour was taken off piece by piece.  When I couldn’t feed myself or cope, rather than starve or just eat biscuits I went and stayed at my friends’ Leigh Ann and Lynn’s house.  I allowed myself to be weak and frail, I allowed them to bring me cups of tea and lunch.  It felt alien but God I felt so much better admitting to people I had a debilitating condition that I couldn’t manage alone.  I changed my eating habits and did every diet that was recommended, but to be honest I felt no benefits from any of them but I still take the following health supplements:

Coenzyme Q10, Ubiquinol (Highest strength you can get), Vitamin D, Busy B’s, Cod Liver Oil, Glucasamine Sulphate (Has to be with Chondroitin), Magnesium (an absolute must!) and K2 which helps distribute the magnesium into your body.

ESSENTIAL OILS ARE ESSENTIAL!

I also find Epsom salt baths fantastic.  Put about four scoops in and to help your body even more, drop five to nine drops of essential oils into the last scoop.  I always use Lavender oil for pain relief and anti inflammatory as well as Bergamot which is a natural antidepressant.  In fact I burn essential oils all day and every day.  I studied the ones that particularly help my symptoms and they also make the house smell lush!

My friend also found this for me.  It is a very soothing oil mixture to rub on the most painful parts of your body.

DILUTE THE FOLLOWING INTO 30 ml OF OIL (ALMOND/VEGETABLE/CARRIER OIL)

5 DROPS THYME

10 DROPS ROSEMARY

5 DROPS CYPRESS

10 DROPS EUCALYPTUS

10 DROPS PEPPERMINT

Here’s a link to get you started on your path to the magic of essential oils   oils https://draxe.com/essential-oils-guide/

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

I also do juicing when I am feeling up to it for breakfast in my Nutribullet (another tip from my Facebook friends, thanks Paula!).  The most important things to add to your fruit/veg juice is nutmeg, cinnamon, turmeric, ginger.  These  all  have anti inflammatory and pain relief qualities.  I had indigestion and tummy problems for three years until one of my friends on my forum recommended fresh ginger.  My discomfort was gone within hours.  I also don’t drink alcohol and drink water like it is coming out of my ears.  I also have a thirst for Earl Grey tea.  I later found it was made from Bergamot, an anti depressant, so my body was telling me what it wanted.  The good thing about this new brain/ body is that you become so in sync with your body that your intuition tells you what you need.  I have never listened to my body and mind so much in all of my life.  It does cry out for sugar a lot, so even though it is bad I answer it’s call.  If there’s something it doesn’t want it’s normal rejected straight away!  I like things now that I never did before my illness like chocolate, coffee, green tea, ginger, but on the flip side things I adored do not agree with me anymore i.e wine, southern fried chicken, normal tea, strong spices.

THE EPIPHANY

Amazingly through this process I came to a striking revelation.  All of the advice I had doled out to thousands of people as a police officer and medium, I was now doing it for myself.  I had never thought to love and care for myself before.  I had never meditated every day or stopped and appreciated living in the moment.  I had never spoken to or lived such a spiritual existence.  The thorny vines of this illness curse were actually starting to bloom small flowers of positivity.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!  It has crashed for a reason, it is up to you to find out what it needs.  But remember we are all different and some things work better than others. Depression hits like a steam train with no warning.  All GP’s will prescribe you with some form of anti depressant.  They have found that apparently it helps with the nerve pain.  It will usually be something like prozac, fluoxetine or duloxetine.  I was not happy being prescribed with these drugs but I had no choice.  Be open to anything that will help you.

A HAPPY MIND MAKES A HAPPY BUNNY

But, there is one thing that will be the biggest battle of your life.  Your mindset.  I still struggle now but have improved a hundred fold in the last couple of years.  You have to find ways to keep you happy on the bed ridden days.  This can be music, comedy on the TV,  jigsaw puzzles, home crafts, adult colouring, meditation. You have to keep your mind busy because it will slowly descend into blackness if you do not find ways to keep yourself afloat mentally on the very bad days.

Why do you think I write this blog? lol 🙂

Curl up with a good book

Curl up with a good book

Obviously if your eyes and brain fog can cope, a good book is a must.  I go through hundreds of books, it’s a great way to escape.  But the most important thing is educating your loved ones.  The biggest problem I see from other sufferers is the lack of understanding by friends and family and them permanently trying to justify this invisible illness to them.  They are in more denial than you are.  If your husband/mum/mate is subtly referring to you as lazy, forcing you to get up and do things or insisting you get a grip, you need to start putting your foot down. They will NEVER understand how it feels.  They will never fully appreciate that every single second of every single day you are in pain somewhere or everywhere with no let up.  They can’t possibly understand that as soon as you stand, gravity pulls you down into a heavy, claustrophobic exhaustive suit that will not disappear and cannot be removed.  Tell them your feelings.  Tell them you need help.  Tell them to read up on what you are suffering with.  If they refuse to acknowledge your predicament, you have to make some serious decisions.  You CANNOT be surrounded by judgemental people who make you feel useless.  I am so lucky that my friends are understanding.  The ones who weren’t have diminished which is fine by me.  I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

DON’T SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY

Unbelievably a lot of my friends in the last few years have been diagnosed with the same condition!  It is a very common pandemic that the health organisation and society have to wake up to.  The most incredible thing was, my friend Jay got diagnosed with ME. So we now hold each other up on the bad days. Us meeting was meant to be.  My old friend Nicky also was diagnosed along with FIVE others.  We have very interesting conversations normally starting with, “What’s wrong with you today!”

Be kind to yourself.  Admit you have a serious chronic condition and ADAPT.  You have to grieve your old life and find ways to survive in the new one that has befallen you.  There is no cure for this illness.  Don’t chase the next ‘miracle treatment’.  Cope with what you have, gain control and make yourself as comfortable as possible.

It is no mean feat but together we can continually fight this relentless beast.

Reach out, ask for help and love yourself.  On the bad days keep your mind busy and if you need to sleep all day, DO IT! On the good days don’t overdo it or you will find yourself in bed for days or weeks after.  We all do it though, it’s called booming and busting.

YOUR RIGHTS

I was no longer going out, buying clothes or spending money on normal life things so every penny I had went on helping me.  If you find as I did that you cannot work, you are entitled to benefits.  You can apply for PIP which is a living allowance for disabled people.  I also got a blue badge for my car and owned the fact that even though my title was ‘disabled’ I was still the same person but just needed a little help. Don’t suffer in silence like I did for three long years.

All of these achievements took ages to deal with and arrange.  But I felt so much stronger in myself and felt I had established some sort of control of my life.

However, I was still on Morphine, Gabapentin, Cocodamol, Ibuprofen, Duloxetine and Paracetamol.  I was eating them like smarties, but pain was still a constant companion.

A MESSAGE FROM HEAVEN

My clever Nan

My clever Nan

It took a visitation from my nan one night on the 27th July, to change my life considerably.  I will never forget the night that I saw the spirit of  her bustle across my landing, turn around and radically change my day to day life by saying three little  words……


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sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6

ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 10

 

FOCUS, HEAL, FIGHT AND WRITE

So I thought that I had done well getting through the abuse nightmares, but obviously not.  Another exceptionally scary part of ME/ Fibro are the severe mood swings.  You have absolutely NO control over your emotions whatsoever.  For instance, yesterday I actually managed to get out and get myself dressed, all be it very slowly!  I sat by the most breath taking view of the river Parrett, looking out to contented cows munching on their delicious banquet of emerald green velvet, birdsong creating the most tantalising orchestra and countryside views that were simply stunning. I listened to the odd aquatic plop of a jumping Chub in the ever flowing river, feeling serene.

Anyone would have felt at peace and completely at one

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

EMBRACE IT, OWN IT, NURTURE IT AND FIGHT IT

with nature in this place.  It is hard to understand from someone who doesn’t suffer from this condition, but even though part of me was adoring just sitting still taking in the environment, there was a dark melodic song miserably wailing somewhere within, alerting me to the fact that sadness and anxiety were happily swimming through my consciousness just like the fish in the river.  You don’t feel depressed, you don’t have any reason to feel sad but your brain just decides that is what it is going to do for the day.

DOCTOR VISIT

So going back to January 2015, I was experiencing the most volatile mood swings I could have ever imagined.  The anxiety attacks were frightening and constant and to add to it I had a seriously ugly red blotched rash covering my hands and arms.  They looked like sores, they were disgusting.  So in the end I decided to make an appointment with my GP as the receptionist said the GP was too busy to come out to me and was it an emergency.  My friend was supposed to take me but she was kept at work.  I couldn’t afford a taxi so I decided rather stupidly to drive the two miles to the surgery in Brixham.  I wished that I hadn’t even bothered.

I walked into the room and straight away I burst into tears.  I couldn’t stop myself from wailing out every fear and worry.  I explained about the debt people hounding me every day, the anxiety attacks, the fact that I thought I should be put in a psych ward as I couldn’t cope with the mood swings and about my non existent life coping with the pain and exhaustion.

This was the following conversation.  As an ex police officer, I was so enraged I made original notes straight after!! lol

Dr sighs: Well I can give you some cream for the rash, but I have to say, you need to get a grip.

me: What do you mean?

Dr: Well it’s not as if you are disabled or anything, it’s not as if you have a broken limb

me: It’s not as if I’m disabled! (I repeat sarcastically)

Dr: Well no you managed to drive here, you are dressed and can carry that bag.

Me: I have my pyjama top on and a pair of jogging bottoms with no underwear, the bag is empty to carry my prescription and I had no choice but to drive.  It took me two hours to get out of my bed to the car and I will now no doubt be in bed for days because of the effort it took to get here!

Dr: Well that’s just it, straight away you are putting yourself in a negative thought pattern by saying you will end up in bed

Me: (raising my voice) Well that’s because it’s fact, I have been going through this for three years!

Dr: Why didn’t you get a taxi if you are so ill?

Me: Because I couldn’t afford it. Have you been listening?  Banks and debt collectors are calling and sending threatening letters every day.  Sometimes I can’t even buy food as I am paying all the debt off!

Dr: Well why don’t you go back to work?

Me: Why don’t I go back to work, are you serious?

Dr: As I said it’s not as if you are disabled

Me: Of course I am! I can’t look after myself I lay in bed month after month laying in my own urine, eating shit and rotting away like a ninety year old! (Shouting at this point)

Dr: I am not arguing with you Nichola, don’t use that language with me

Me (crying my eyes out) I can’t believe this, I can’t believe my Dr is saying this to me

Dr: Well as I said I am not arguing with you, you need to start getting dressed every day and forcing yourself to get out

Me: Just give me my cream

I then tried my best to march out of the door, but wasn’t very effective at a snail pace hobble!

What a wonderful supportive doctor, stupid cow!  It is the GP’s like this who make our lives a misery.  What is it about this condition that there is such a lack of knowledge and understanding with some GP’s?  I was hurt, exceptionally upset and my brain started to tell me that I was making it all up and a hypochondriac. If my GP wasn’t backing me up then who would? I stood crying as I got my cream at the pharmacy.  The pharmacist asked if I was ok, I just said, ‘I’m upset because my GP is disgusting!‘  Haha, what a thing to say.

So ladies and gents, my advice here is OWN IT!  Do not allow your GP to judge you or dismiss your illness due to their ignorance, whatever your illness is.  Complain about them if you are not happy.  ME and Fibro are the most misunderstood and disregarded conditions in this country.  I am so amazed by the lack of support and understanding. Speak out, we need to be heard!  Now, I would have given her what for, but I was so emotionally and mentally weak back then.  I just limped out of the surgery feeling even worse than I had before I went in.  I let her words haunt me, so the following day I forced myself to walk around the cemetery, obviously this lead to more pain and exhaustion, so promptly stopped after day two!

Own it!

Own it!

The cream did absolutely nothing to remove the blotches, I assumed they were another part of the illness, so just allowed them to spread and stopped using the cream.  I started using Lavendar and wheatgerm oil instead, smelled nice, but did nothing at all, at least it stopped the soreness!  The rash disappeared about six months after as if it have never been there, but left some nasty scars. Weird one!

SPIRALLING DOWN

From that day I was on a roller coaster of emotion, it was torturous.  One minute I was smiling listening to the birds, the next I was raging and wanted to kill the stupid cow who had smashed into me and caused all of this.  I spoke to no one.  Who wanted to hear my rantings?

But something weird happened, that jolted me into making efforts to snap out of the spiralling.

It was in the early hours of 23 Jan 2015.  I was looking after my friends dog Zeus (bless you Zeus, hope you are enjoying the rainbow bridge x) He was a very placid dog and very quiet.  But he woke me up by suddenly growling and barking.

I looked at the clock and it was 3.33.  I couldn’t understand what he was barking at, he stood at my bedroom door barking at an invisible space on the landing.  I was terrified as I thought there may be a burglar.  Then there was the most almighty crash.  It sounded like my front door had been kicked in.  My two little dogs then woke up and started barking as well.  It was complete chaos.  I grabbed the phone and started to dial 999 as I was convinced I was getting broken into.  Visions of being faced with an intruder started to flash through my mind.  My whole body started shaking as I looked around for a weapon. My ears were straining to hear where the intruders were in the house.

DREAM OR CELESTIAL?

But then as if I had dreamt it, Zeus sat down and stopped barking.  My two babies, stopped aswell and laid down promptly going back to sleep.  My heart was pounding, it was like there was a huge drum banging through my ears.  I was breathing frantically and still straining to hear for sound.  Zeus, then literally fell asleep, snoring his head off!

I listened for a little longer, finger hovering over the last 9 on my phone.  But there was nothing, complete silence.

Don't go down there!

Don’t go down there!

Now, you know when you watch a scary film and the victim walks into the darkness and you wait for the high violin stringed music to signal their impending death?  Yeah well that was me.  You would ordinarily scream, ‘Don’t go down there!’ But I put the phone in my pocket and shaking like a nutter, holding a back scratcher (Come on!  I could find no other weapon!) I furtively walked onto the landing stepping over the snoring Rotweiler, that should have been alert and guarding my back!  I stood on that landing for an eternity, sweat was running down my back as I was in my mind waiting for the violin music! Haha.  My back started to scream out in pain, so it was either return to my bed or hobble down the stairs.  I bravely or stupidly chose the latter.  I walked around the dark house and found nothing to explain the huge smash.  Everything was in order.  Nothing was out of place.  As I sat on the settee looking out to the cemetery it hit me like a thunderbolt.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

It was the 23 January, exactly THREE years to the day that I had had my road accident. I then remembered the time this incident had started 3.33.  I then tingled from head to toe.  I had been given a sign.  They were still with me, I was convinced.  They were making their presence known.  They were bringing to my attention that I wasn’t going through this hell alone.  I WASN’T ALONE!

I smiled as I looked out onto all of the silvery graves animated by the clouds flurrying before the moon.  It looked as if the shadows were dancing, celebrating, living.

I need to carry on fighting‘  I said out loud.

‘I need to dance and celebrate in my mind even if I can’t do it physically

A new resolve started to snake through me.  This bitch wasn’t going to beat me.

I then laughed as I put a vision in my mind of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

sigourney-weaver-kissing-an-alien-27502-1287837059-6GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!’ Yes get away from me, you filthy condition.  I heaved a huge sigh, said thank you to the angels, but they must have felt my niggling doubt that the smash and the time of the incident was a coincidence, because, like the alien, they kept on coming.

 

ANGELS

Every night from that night on, call it coincidence or not I was woken at 3.33.  I, as an open minded sceptic just assumed it was a natural occurrence, my brain registering that time every night to wake up.  Up above must have heard my mutinous thoughts!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won't load the proper way up? Weirdy!

Always 3.33 on my clock. But this won’t load the proper way up? Weirdy!

On Fri 13 Feb, I woke up to go to the toilet.  As I was in the bathroom, I heard voices and thought, ‘What now?’ I went upstairs and the television had turned itself on.  The remote was on the distant bed side cabinet. So I hadn’t leaned on it by accident or anything. I noted the time as 3.36 so I must have woken again at 3.33.  Amazingly the channel number was 369 and had stayed displayed on the screen in the top left hand corner, which ordinarily it doesn’t.  It was the Vintage Channel which I don’t really watch and certainly was not watching the previous evening.

369, Angel numbers.  I then heard a voice say Raguel.

My wing man

My wing man

Now I had never heard of this name before, so of course, I googled it:

To my absolute delight, it was a name of an Archangel.  I smiled as I read what he was responsible for.

Archangel Raguel working on the light blue ray is the Archangel of justice, harmony, peace, miracles and love.  He brings end to injustice, people and relationships from the past.

So was he here to balance the karma? Was that why I had had the dreams about my past abuse?  Was he here to heal me of my past hurts and friends who had turned their backs on me?  Was I going to get compensation for my life altering injury? Would I ever get a home again? Would the debt be dealt with? I looked around my bedroom, everything I had in there was pale blue and teal, colours I never usually was attracted to.  I had surrounded myself with his colour without even realising it.  I spoke out loud, ‘Archangel Raphael, I give you permission to enter my life and my soul and help me to heal from the injustice and hurt that has been brought upon me, I thank you for coming to me.’  That’s all you need to say really, when you invoke an angel.

MESSAGE RECEIVED AND UNDERSTOOD. OVER.

I then excitedly googled 369:

Angel number 369 is a message from your angels to continue forth upon your life purpose and soul mission, safe in the knowledge that your material wants and needs will be met as needed.  Your lightworking duties to serve and help humanity are important and you are being encouraged to put extra focus on your spiritual path and purpose.  Devote yourself to your soul mission without delay.

Your positive affirmations about your spiritual path and purpose have been heard and you are being responded to by the angels and those in higher realms.  Listen to your intuition and take action as guided.

Give any fears of monetary issues to the angels and get on with pursuing your purpose.  The angels, archangels and ascended masters fully support you and will ensure that your material wants and needs are met as you carry on your lightwork.

Research, study, schooling, education and learning will enhance and help your life purpose, personal growth and development at this time.  The angels will guide and help your need to learn and grow.

I then remembered with shocking clarity the angel necklace that I had found in a packing box the day before.

It was blue satin, with a light blue angel pendant on it.  I never remembered buying it or receiving it as a gift and as I touched it around my neck, I realised that it was the colour of Archangel Raguel. I then had a clear abrupt vision of my book.  The front cover was a picture of the Earth and human shadows in front of the Earth that depicted the Earth Walkers.

My destiny was to write and learn a new trade, I realised that now.  Write the direct word channeled from The Omnipresence and the angel realms.  My goal was clear.

After that magical night, a shift had taken place.  I let the phone ring on and on as I recognised the debt collectors numbers, smiling knowing that when the time was right, I would take them on and the banks with strength.  I just knew that it would be dealt with when it needed to be. It no longer haunted me. Justice would be done, I would be helped out materially, so all I had to do was focus, heal, fight and write.  I knew without any reservation that I was definitely being carried in the love and safety of the angel realms.

That night I slept like a baby.  They had finally reached me and had stopped the fear that had been eating away at my insides daily.  They were patient, but insistent and finally after all of their efforts, I was getting the message.

I felt truly blessed x

 

 


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