The Boot Camp of my Mind

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The Boot Camp of my Mind

HEALING STARTS FROM WITHIN

Have you ever woken up and thought, why the hell did I dream of that for?  Well I did , it was a random dream that was so intense that I woke up tearful.  I had dreamt that I was still with a certain ex who pretty much broke my heart.  I put it down to a random dream, but the next night it happened again.

This then lead to three weeks of dreaming about all my exes that had done wrong, been awful or had really hurt me.

By week one I realised that it was another spiritual boot camp.  I was healing my broken heart of bad relationships.  There were quite a few I can tell you!

The dreams felt so real it was like I was reliving them.  Every thought feeling and behaviour was revisited during dream state.

I needed to form a plan

I needed to form a plan

The first thing I did was dive into my spiritual knowledge itinerary.  What could I use or do to help me understand, heal from and end my apparent heart break?

ANGELS

Firstly I called upon Archangel Raphael as he is the Archangel of Healing.  I then called upon Archangel Azrael.  Now Archangel Azrael is usually the Archangel of death.  Not the grim reaper!  He helps souls part from their body and acclimatise to their new form.  He also assists people who are suffering the loss of that loved one.  However, he also assists with grieving and moving on from situations that brought us harm.  So I decided to call upon him.

After I had done the invocation, I decided to pull a few angel cards and to my amazement the first two cards were Azrael and Raphael.  The next two were, ‘time to heal from past hurt‘ and ‘importance in knowing your self worth and value

Wow they had heard my plea already!

I then had an Amethyst crystal resting on my heart chakra when I was laying down which was pretty much most of the day.

Amethyst amongst other benefits help you to grieve situations or people.

Now I didn’t think that I was grieving these losers from my past but obviously my guides and angels knew differently!

TOUGH TIMES

Admittedly it was tough.  A lot of the time I woke up crying or still feeling the love I had for these men.  I couldn’t understand how this was helping me, reliving each let down.

However, I diligently wrote out my feelings in my soul journal and started to see a pattern between the lines.

Incredibly and I have to add this now. I have at this very second received a message about my ex who stole thousands from me after my accident?! Talk about synchronicity! Wow! Karma works, I swear.

Anyway back to my journal.

ARE YOU WITH THE WRONG MAN OR WOMAN?

Writing in journals heals the soul

Writing in journals heals the soul

When I started to read over my experiences and what had happened in the relationships in black and white, it hit me like a bolt of lightening.  I have had such low self esteem that I had attracted predators time and time again.  Like attracts like, so what I thought of myself and believed about myself was unhealthy and so I naturally attracted the same ilk of men.

You are who you attract

You are who you attract

I realised that this had to change.

I needed to value myself, put me first and love everything about me unconditionally.

MY LIST

The first thing I did was make a TO DO list in my soul journal.

Students of my PRISM LIVING course will know all about this!  My Soul Journals are my most precious possession.  I cannot recommend enough keeping a diary of your innermost thoughts and feelings.  The words in black and white provide so much clarity and power!

My first TO DO was self care.  I could not cope with daily living so I decided to surrender and reach out.  I asked for a carer and help and I soon got it.

I got a cleaner in as i was not able to.  So instead of crying over a mess in the house this was now resolved.

I got a dog walker for my babies to release the guilt of not being able to take them out.

I decided to say three things every morning that I liked about myself.

I decided that I would not have ANYONE enter my house who I didn’t really want there.

I decided to improve my diet and try to manage my comfort eating.

I repeatedly placed a blessing on the names of the people who had abused me, hurt me, lied to me and cheated on me.  I sent them pink roses and asked for me to be let go emotionally from their energy that was obviously still connected to me. I did this with past friends as well.

I arranged for a counsellor to attend my home.

After doing this for just two weeks I felt incredibly different. To receive help in my daily care, to help me get through my pain emotionally and to love myself was life changing.

I started to get regular contact from friends I had let fade because of my illness.  These were my true die hard friends.

I find now that I am surrounded by the most caring, kindhearted genuine friends who have no ulterior motive.

If there is anyone who comes into my life with the wrong energy, their true colours are exposed so quickly it is quite remarkable.  My psychic intuition rings out stronger than it ever has  as soon as their energy changes to darker motives.

I am now free from the binds that tied me to past hurt.

Write out who has hurt you.  Make changes to move away from that energy.  Analyse your current relationships and see if you are in a mutually beneficial relationship with unconditional love.

If not

CHANGE IT!

I was such a people pleaser.  I was so desperate to be loved.  I would agree to things that I really didn’t want to do.  I allowed people that drained me and just used me for my esoteric knowledge to stay in my life.  I felt too weak and unsure of myself to say NO.  That ended by the conclusion of this particular boot camp.

Healing from hurt is never easy.  Nothing that is right is ever easy.  But believe me when you make the changes and start listening to your inner child, you become empowered.  The beauty of self belief and self love is truly remarkable.  It changes you as a person.  I will never let anyone ever take me for granted again.  Do the same!  Change your life!

It certainly worked for me.

After this period of self realisation, the dreams stopped of my exes and I felt a profound sense of freedom and inner strength.

I started to look forward to 2017  with such zest as I knew this would be the end of my dark night of the soul  (Please google this) and my resurrection. I couldn’t thank the angels and the Spirit World enough.  They were dragging through my every mistake and reason for failing in life.

I still get tearful now with so much gratitude as I look at my life now.  I am of course still chronically ill but it doesn’t matter.  I am surrounded by love, support and respect.  I adore my home and my fur babies, I am sugar and gluten free and on a bad day like this when I can’t get out of bed, rather than enshroud myself with self pity and sadness I have the wonderful opportunity to write and share my knowledge and experience with you beautiful people.  What could be better?

But whilst this seems like my fairy tale ending, I still had to get there!  There were still many battles ahead of me!

PHOENIX

But at that time in my life, with no permanent home and feeling so alone in the world with no career, I envisioned nothing but the Phoenix as soon as I started to slip into emotional darkness.  Like a phoenix from the flames, I knew that I was going to be reborn.  I had faith stronger than ever that my life was going to be amazing.

I am the Phoenix

I am the Phoenix

I was still bed bound most of the time, still in pain 24/7 but my mind kept me focused.  Yes I had horrendous days and still had obstacles to face in the next coming years, but, I KNEW I was going to be OK.  I just had to be patient and honour my healing journey.  That was the difference.

Until next time

Nicky xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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ME Myself and I. My Soul Diaries 5

THE BATTLE OF THE MIND

I awoke the following morning and felt excited looking back on my visit from Julianus and the drum healing.

I decided to get up and get a cup of tea but as soon as I started to lift my head, I felt like I was wearing a suit of armour with my head banging like an incessant drum (pardon the pun!) so I laid back down again.

EVERY morning you get the same quiz show challenge.  It’s called ‘What’s wrong with my body today.’  No matter how happy you feel when you first open your eyes you get a vicious reminder of your chronic condition within minutes. That’s why you can NEVER make plans as you never know what you are going to wake up like. I have lost count of the times I have cancelled things because of my game show existence.

ME with ME

 

img_8271

Invisible disease?

This was a picture of me one morning when I woke up and couldn’t open my eye. It was like a ninja had popped stealthily in during the night and punched me in the face!  I had blurred vision anyway so couldn’t see a thing. I just wanted to show you that this invisible disease isn’t quite so invisible, but we never like to ordinarily display these sort of pictures.  The following morning the bruising and swelling and lack of vision disappeared as if I had imagined the whole thing!

So this particular morning, I had light sensitivity where it felt like the sun was about a centimetre from my face, ringing in my ears, a banging head, every single muscle and joint was singing in pain and I felt like my lungs were too tired to inflate and deflate.  This is when the panic attacks start as you feel you can’t breathe properly.  There are at least 200 symptoms to this condition and I think over the last five years I have experienced every single one of them.  So I nearly sank into my dismal existence of sadness, misery and futility.

But something changed that morning, there was a tiny flicker of hope that could possibly fan into a bigger hungry flame if I let it. So rather than cry or start screaming how unfair it all was, I thought, ‘Sod it, if it’s a DVD day then so be it!’ I found a sort of calm or acceptance of it all.  You will find that chronic illness sufferers have watched every single thing that can be shown on screen. We are like starved animals craving the next meaty morsel on the screen to carry us away from our mundane existence.  We are the best film, TV and show critics in the world as when you are house/bed bound most days, there is simply nothing else to do. Films and box sets become a part of your life.  They provide escapism and a fantasy of living in the life of what you are watching. It’s a great distraction.

Oh come on, there’s nothing like a bit of img_8326indulgence 😉 Daryl helped me through many bad days lol!

 

 

TRICK OF THE MIND

 

I started to see a little bit of clarity.  I started to see that I was the pilot of my own mind, I could plummet into a valley screaming ‘MAYDAY’ or soar into the expanse of a never ending sky.

I remember once Julianus saying to me, ‘You are so tunnel visioned when human! It is simple, no matter what happens on the Earth plain you have two choices, to either walk in the desert, forever uncomfortable starving and thirsty, or you can walk in the oasis in the shade with the delights of thirst and hunger sated and a pool to dive in. Why do you all choose the desert when life gives you a challenge?’

Why walk in the desert?

Why walk in the desert?

 

 

 

 

 

No comparison really is there?

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It was then that I realised that as I almost started to get a bit of self pity a past simple observation of human life from Julianus hit me so clearly then and there.  Was I getting back the direct line I had always heard from above?  I hoped so as there is nothing worse than feeling alone with no inner voice guiding and nurturing you.

 

THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE

 

I then started to hear a humming sound and thought with despair that my ears were getting worse! I would like to add at this juncture that the reason I knew my symptoms on that exact day was because I used to keep a chronic illness app and recorded my symptoms daily to try and find a pattern. It proved to be about as useful as a trap door in a canoe for me but I know that it has helped others! The word that comes to mind is UNPREDICTABLE!  There is no logic to what your brain and central nervous system decide to do every morning.  No chart or pattern on an app explained my raging symptoms or how to prevent relapse.  To be honest though, my relapses were permanent.

So this incessant humming grew louder and I raised my weary head up to see what the hell it was.  I tottered around like a 90 year old trying to find the source when I realised that it was a bumble bee caught in the net curtain. I thought this as a bit odd as I certainly hadn’t had the window open, it was February! I also hadn’t heard the bee before that at all.  So I got a bit of paper and gently let the bee out of the window.

Nothing unusual in that you say!

How about the fact that the three following mornings there was a bumble bee again buzzing merrily in my ears that I had to rescue each consecutive day?  Four days in a row! It was only on the fourth day that it twigged.

 

ANIMAL TOTEM

 

Animal totems are something I was introduced to years ago after I had a meditation and one of my other guides Khan (I will introduce him to you another day) kept putting a bear skin over me with the head still intact.  I have to say that when I met him, my heart sank, he was a Native American, ‘Oh good God,’ I thought, ‘Everyone has Native American guides!’ It was later explained to me by Khan, that the Native American race had such a vast population of spiritual light workers in the past and now that of course a lot of us mediums and healers were going to be lumbered with them, how quaint!

Anyway, bear skin, I bloody hated it, but it went on for weeks and weeks.  Then one of my students said to me, ‘He must be making you aware of your current spirit animal totem.’ Bit embarrassing I know I should have known as the tutor, but if you know me, you know I NEVER have and never will read up to learn about spiritual and angelic phenomena.  I get it straight from upstairs and will only read something if I need to understand it more.

So when my student brought an animal totem book in the following week, I raced straight for the bear page and was totally gob smacked. The message that the bear brought was like a personal reading for me.  As soon as I had acknowledged the bear totem, Khan never placed it on me again. It’s a very Native American based phenomena it seems, animal totems are exceptionally important to them.

When an animal or insect repeatedly shows itself to you in an unnatural way, then google it, trust me you will be amazed.

I was never much of a believer in it but when it starts to enter your life all reasonable explanation goes out the window, they literally will stay with you until you get the message! I have had robins follow me home, a sparrow hawk sit on my door handle staring at me, a dragon fly land on my lap and stay there for 20 minutes, butterflies landing on my face and staying there, I could go on and on.  The most recent one was the 5 Feb, the anniversary of my dad’s passing.  I had just realised the date and said out loud, ‘You are a bit lazy dad you normally do something on your anniversary!’ Within a second a buzzard landed on the hedge next to me and just stared right into my soul.

I merely answered ‘Ok that was good, love you!’ I then googled the meaning of a buzzard, it made perfect sense.

Your spirit loved ones can also send animals as a sign from them. From my experience the favourites are butterflies, robins, dragonflies, lady birds or sometimes their favourite animal.  But remember they have to act unnaturally or visit on a certain time regularly or in the most unusual circumstances to be a totem.  Keep a look out!

So back to the bumble bee. This was it’s message:

220px-bumblebee_05

 

‘All bumble bees are productive, they stay focused on whatever they are doing and do not get side tracked.  We are being reminded to slow down, smell the flowers and taste the sweet nectar of life.  If your energy is scattered the bumblebee can show you how to focus once more.’

 

So the message was simple, to start to appreciate the finer things in life and to stay focused on the positive and the way forward.  I will never forget those four bumblebees as they did help me to bring my mind back to positivity when I found myself starting to slip down the treacherous ravine that lead to nothing but a ghostly darkness in it’s merciless pit.

It didn’t always work, sometimes I was beyond grief and despair and would isolate and hibernate, in fact I still do.  I’m doing it right this very minute in fact, I have no energy to speak or communicate with anyone, so I write slowly and surely, until I am too exhausted to type.  But now I don’t feel guilty about it, I need my time alone until I heal and feel strong enough to start communicating again, all of my close friends understand, but there’s one particular one (Nicky!) who gives me a four day pass then demands a reply to make sure I’m ok.  Whether I’m crying, talking gibberish because my brain isn’t working, or just answering in one word answers, she understands.  She is the only one that gets away with it, lol.  I no longer see these dark days as a failure, I respect them as healthy grieving days and a way of exercising my boundaries and needs to regroup, look at my options and heal.

 

So my little bumble bees helped me to see the positive in every little thing, which I never did before, I was far too busy.  Now I sit and watch the birds eating away at their bird table, or I watch the logs burning for hours in the fireplace, breath in the smell of the fields or the view of Glastonbury Tor, or I write, taking myself into my world of fantasy and escapism and of course the world of box sets!  I saw a gift in my illness that I had never appreciated before, the chance to stop, relax and reflect on the past and discover a new me.  Perhaps I was not only being stripped bare of my old life and my material world, I was being stripped bare of everything that was morosely clinging to my spirit like a strangling vine, choking my life force within an inch of it’s life.

 

BOOT CAMP

 

The next year was a revelation and a mountainous trek, I was not prepared for the healing that my soul decided to initiate.  It was like the spiritual boot camp from hell.  I was going to be dragged through every trauma of my life once and for all and have it exorcised.  It took me to the extremities of my mind, body and soul, but as all exorcisms do, the demons were finally starting to pack their bags, steal the towels and check out!

I was also not prepared in any way, that as the tangled threads unwound, how much I could truly experience the pure power of the spirit world and the angel realms.

‘Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so let us all be thankful’

Buddha


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