ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11

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The plant of acceptance...

ME Myself and I . My Soul Diaries 11

SENDING OUT AN S.O.S

So at this point in my life 14 March 2015, there was a lot rattling through my brain.  I think a massive epiphany arrived of all places in B and Q!  More of that later!

My angel boot camp had now shot me back to when I was 7 years old in my dream state.  I was attacked sexually by a stranger in some damp dingy toilets.  The man, or monster, which ever way you want to refer to him was showing his son what you do with little girls.  I often think of that poor boy, he no doubt grew up to be a monster like his dad.

TELLING DAD

I will never forget the look of anguished pain on my dad’s face when I told them what had happened.  We were just about to eat Sunday dinner and I had been down the park with my friend. It is amazing how your chemical senses can link to a memory back in time.  I remember the smell of the roast and my dad about to cut into a Yorkshire pudding like it was yesterday.  (By the way, my mum’s Yorkshire puddings are THE BEST, FACT! lol).  This man had groomed us in the park and followed us to the toilets.  As an innocent child you would never suspect a man with his son playing happily in a park to be a dangerous stranger with evil intent.

My dad shot up from the table and got straight into the car and headed for the park.  Obviously the man wasn’t there.  I felt guilty, dirty and also mortified that the love of my life, my dad was so upset.  I thought at the time he was upset by me.  A child victim is a very difficult subject to comprehend and cope with.  I pray that this never happens to you as a parent, but if it does, here’s a few tips.

I remember people whispering in other rooms about the attack.  Being so young they didn’t even think to realise that I was fully aware of their muted conversations.  It made me feel even more vulnerable and alienated.  More and more people knew my secret, I felt like I had an invisible name tag adorned around my neck, ‘VICTIM’.  So don’t have conversations within ear shot of your child.  It heightens our awareness of embarassment and feeling like soiled goods.

The police in the 70’s were awful.  There was no appropriate victim protocol back then. The first police to arrive, a man and a woman decided to interview me whilst I was sitting on my stairs at home.  They were asking me all sorts of questions in front of my mum and dad. I wasn’t even aware that they were coming to see me. Firstly I did not want to talk to a man, even if he was a police officer.  As far as I was concerned he was a stranger and I felt instantly intimidated.  To then ask a 7 year old to describe graphic details with no warning in front of your mum and dad was frightening and abhorrent, obviously I closed up.

Nowadays there are sympathy suites for victims and the care is second to none.  You are now allocated a family liaison officer who is the facilitator between the victim, victims family and the investigation.  That was my main job as a detective and I loved it.  I am sure that this day, when the officers were questioning me on my stairs was the day when I vowed I would become a police officer and would never allow a victim to feel how I was feeling at that time, embarassed, ashamed, guilty, dirty and mortified.  ALWAYS ask your loved one what they want and explain everything which is about to take place.  Children are far better prepared by being in the loop than just being shoved into a situation where they have no idea what is happening. You are not protecting them, you are placing them in a dark scary place of uncertainty.  If there is anything you are not happy with, concerning the questioning of your child, or the investigation, voice your concerns, don’t let it unfold to your child’s detriment.

My policing days, so proud

My policing days, so proud

Even though it is exceptionally hard, don’t show negative feelings in front of your child.  They will immediately perceive this as they have caused the upset, not the perpetrator.

Obviously counselling should be encouraged but not forced until your child is ready.  I was never afforded this option back then but I dealt with it later on.  Well I thought I had dealt with it until it came tumbling back into my dreams back in 2015.  They were so real, the dreams, the smells, the atmosphere, the man.  It was tangible,  it was hard to go through this.  The dreams lasted for about a week and then disappeared. The man who attacked me was never caught. I still have tiny issues being in damp or dirty toilets and cannot bear to stand where someone else has dripped, like a swimming pool changing room or by a pool, but that’s as much trauma as I have now! Not too bad!

However, I still questioned at the time if it was me having some sort of breakdown or the angel realms were healing my scarred soul.  I soon got the answer.

SHALDON

Jay came and insisted that I got out of bed.  He still didn’t really understand my condition, thinking it was mind over matter.  However I had been isolating for so long, that I thought it would be good to get out and have some fresh air.  I told him about my current cluster of dreams and he suggested we take the angel cards with us, perhaps I could get some answers.  He had made some food for a picnic.  I felt quite excited even though I was totally exhausted and every movement was like a burning hot sword slicing through my body.

Sheldon, Devon

Shaldon, Devon

At Shaldon I took in the fresh briny air, listened with contentment to the screaming gulls and listened to the relentless ebb and flow of the magnificent emerald blue sea. The sea to me is like my life force, I am obsessed with it. I was glad I had made the effort.  I had hobbled into a cafe where we had a delicious hot chocolate, the dogs were in their element running around the sandy beach, I felt almost human.  Healthy people take for granted what they are able to do every day, we however, suffering with chronic illness, see the most smallest things as a magnificent treat.

I then started to get drop dead tired so Jay drove me to Labrador Bay where we ate the picnic in the car.Labrador Bay

It was simply stunning.  He then said, ‘Right let’s see what the angels have to say!‘ I put my roll down, took a deep breath, closed me eyes asking for answers in my mind, and selected the cards:

THE POWER OF ANGEL MESSAGES

ARCHANGEL GABRIEL  Gabriel is deeply concerned about children’s welfare and their healing.  Gabriel helps earthly messengers such as teach­ers and writers. This Arch­angel acts like a Heavenly agent and manager who motivates you to polish your skills. Gabriel then opens the door of opportunity for you to work in your chosen career, and gives you a loving push through it if you hesitate.

Wow, he was over seeing my childhood healing! Yet again, the writing had come up.

You are experiencing temporary set backs.  Do not compare yourself to others and also be aware of their motives.

Good the setbacks were temporary.  A reminder to keep myself safe from harmful humans and to not be resenting everyone else’s healthy lives.  I had been doing a lot of that recently.

ARCHANGEL RAGUEL   Justice, better finances and paying off of all debts

OMG! He was still with me and was reminding me my debt would be sorted! Could the justice be about my road accident and all of the loss?

New Career.  You must make yourself ready as your path is about to change.  Do not doubt your abilities in this new arena of your life

WOW! You just couldn’t write it.  How amazing were those messages.  I felt a new surge of hope snake through me.  But writing? Really, as a career? We would see.  Angel cards are so helpful and I always find are totally relevant to your needs.

How to use angel cards

I ask a question or sometimes just ask for a little guidance. You can do them daily or when you really need direction. I close my eyes, still my mind, then pick up to four cards, however many I feel to take at the time.  You either feel drawn to what card you want to take or sometimes they fall out of the pack when you are shuffling.  They ALWAYS explain my predicament or take me forward.  Sometimes they tell you what you don’t want to hear, but follow their advice!  I have many favourite packs.  I think the best thing to do is look at various packs and see which ones you are instantly attracted to if you want to start using them.  To be honest you can never go wrong with Doreen Virtue.

Doreen Virtue angel cards

Here’s a link to help you get going.  These are my current ones that I use.  They are angel essence mixed with the divinity of tarot.  Have a go, you really will get results.

B and Q

After our lunch I felt a little euphoric.  So on the way home I decided to stop in at B and Q to get some plants for my new garden.  It was a stupid move as I had already used all of my spoons for that day. This is what I mean by spoons!

Spoons for the day!

Spoons for the day!

As I hobbled into the store, I stopped right by the entrance and realised I just couldn’t move another inch.  I felt dizzy and unbalanced and just wanted to lay down.  Every muscle was screaming, it felt like my whole body was spewing lactic acid.  I started to feel an anxiety attack come on and just wanted to be home and in bed laying horizontal.  Unless you have this condition you have no idea how delicious it is to lay down, it’s like a wave of relief seeping through every nerve and fibre.

Sitting up is using a spoon, talking, listening, absolutely ANYTHING apart from laying down quietly is a spoon.  So on some days a talk with your friend or cleaning your teeth is the option, one or the other, not both.

Anyway back to B and Q,  I was obviously an impressive shade of green and white as Jay asked if I was alright.  I couldn’t reply.

One of the staff then came over and before I knew it I was shoved in a wheelchair.  I was horrified.  I was not disabled.  I was just ill for a while.  I could get up, I wasn’t going to be one of those people that  the public looked at  with a pitying glance as you were wheeled along.  I then had a battle right then and there in Torquay’s  B and Q.  I was crying and struggling to accept the predicament I was in.

A wheelchair user, disabled, no independence, useless, needy battled with comfortable, able to go to the shops, no more extra pain.  It was like my mind did not want to accept the inevitable.

But as Jay pushed me along, my muscles screaming their thanks, I realised that I had to surrender.  Yes, I was being pushed around, but I could look at the plants and see more than I had ever seen in months. I just felt like if I accepted that I couldn’t walk anywhere or get help, then it would be my reality forever.  I didn’t want to be disabled.  I wanted to be well and mobile and strong again.

But deep down, I knew that it was time to accept and embrace my current status.  The GP was wrong, I WAS disabled.  I needed a wheelchair for the time being.  I had to grow up and accept my situation, no use fighting anymore.

I remember looking at a fuschia and thinking,  ‘Ok, if that’s what my body needs for now, so be it.’

The plant of acceptance...

The plant of acceptance…

That special day fuelled by my angel cards lead me to get help and finally admit I needed to send out an SOS.  I had to stop ‘going it alone’.  Believe me it was a hell of a fight to accept this.  When you are a survivor, strong in will and totally independent, to accept help and the fact that it was vital to your daily routine was one of the most difficult things I ever had to come to terms with.

This final revelation lead to so many miraculous changes,  that I will never forget that special day and was so glad my body disintegrated in B an Q!


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